rambles and bullshit

this isn't a blog as much as it is a diary/space for me to vent I use they/them

[ramblesandbullshit]

I don't know if I'm being the asshole here but I'm having a lot of issues with poly things and also issues with a partner who has chronic illness

My partner has a new partner who is a really close friend of mine, which is absolutely fine, but there have been a lot of things that have been fucking me up recently. They have been very intimate and touchy feely, which would be completely fine, but I have been receiving 0 intimacy and 0 physical touch from them for a while, and they have been saying that it's because they aren't in a very touchy feely or lovey mood recently in general, which again would be fine and completely fair and understandable if they weren't being incredibly intimate and lovey with their new partner.

They've also been having a lot of issues with chronic pain recently, which I do my best to accommodate and help out where I can, but I currently have a broken arm that's in a lot of pain, and my ADHD makes it really hard for me to start a lot of tasks and even harder to complete them when I've started, and they just get pissed off and shitty with me. It really feels like they have no respect for my own medical issues when they are also having issues, and like my problems don't actually exist and I can just power through them whilst that would be (understandably) impossible for them. Like come on we both have issues that we are both aware of, you can be frustrated but understand that people will also be frustrated with you for the same things.

Idk all of this is really just feeling like they don't care for me or care about me at all, and the only thing I'm there for is to keep them safe and busy so they don't ruminate for too long. At the same time, it is to the point where I am given no time to do the things I want to do or need to do to keep myself safe, and if I even suggest that I need to prioritise myself and they need to find a way outside of me to cope, that's me being a dick and not understanding their issues.

I just feel very unloved and lonely at the moment because of it.

[ramblesandbullshit]

'im struggling with [hanging out with, being around] other people, including you at the moment because it feels like people don't have enough awareness of their own emotions for me to be around them' hits different when he has a breakdown and needs me to be there to help

This is a bullshit thought and makes it sound like he's awful and he isn't, it's also very out of context but I had to get the thought down

[ramblesandbullshit]

Sat in the car having a near panic attack for no reason it seems

I've taken my meds, I've had a shower, got ready for the event I'm going to later, planned the whole thing in my head but I'm still having some of the worst anxiety ever.

It's an event I have been to loads, it happens every month or two and I'm going with 3 people I've gone with many times before and one new person who's never been to this event, or any event like it.

Yes, I'm anxious about them coming but that's not what is causing this right now and I do not know how to stop it. I want to sit in silence and play guitar but one of my partners who I live with is at home and me playing guitar can fuck with their own overstimulation and therefore I don't think I can.

I'm a bit fucked for money again and I don't really know what I'm going to do about that yet but my biggest concern is that I might not be able to kick this anxiety at all. I have to drive 2 hours to get there with these 4 other people in my 5 seater car and it's going to be rough but I know it'll work out fine, yet I still can't stop the anxiety.

I want to run away again.

[ramblesandbullshit]

I keep getting the feeling like I want to/need to escape recently. Not in an SH was or sui way but still I just feel like I need to delete all my socials, get in the car and drive to Scotland for a bit

It's not that I don't like or want to be around my friends and loved ones but ATM everything seems very......weird and not at all right

My partner is not doing well at all mentally, as well as one of his partners, and that's taking a massive toll on me, and then some people in the group of mates I have (who have joined more recently but that makes no odds) are just getting a bit too much in a lot of ways. A couple have been getting a lot more sexual a lot of the time, which is fine, but it doesn't feel normal in any way and it's making me uncomfortable a lot, and then others are getting weird about drugs/drug use, the use of kink terms, kink in general, and basically is acting like they have little to no respect for anyone else, and then they are seemingly trolling people at the same time? Idk it just seems really weird and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around people who I've never felt like that with.

So yeah, feel like I just need a complete fresh start with new everything but I also know I don't *actually* want that and it's not going to help, but in my mind, if I ctrl+alt+del and just reset my life I'll be in a better position

[ramblesandbullshit]

Just some song lyrics I came up with today

I try so hard to help

But every time i do it goes wrong

Im fucking up again and again

And still your pain it goes on

I fail too much, i try again

I feel like thats just not on

And if i leave you all alone

I get too scared you might be gone

And i hope

You see it comes from the right place

I cant cope

I know you dont think that thats the case

I feel im loosing you

The world it beats you down all too much

Ill keep to my side of the bed

Hope i dont fuck it up

I broke your things, i didnt mean it

But it still messed things up

Ill try to fix it but i know thats not enough

And i hope

You see it comes from the right place

I cant cope

I know it doesnt matter anyway

[ramblesandbullshit]

Another rough night but this time there's a silver lining

Had an interview for a job I've been wanting for a long time which went really well and I'm really proud of myself, but it keeps getting overshadowed by all of the other shit I have going on at the moment

[ramblesandbullshit]

another rough one today.

at work and feeling like shit™ and don't know why, but the worst part is i feel like i cant talk to my friends about it because they all have their own shit going on which i am trying to actively help with, but i just don't have anyone to vent to.

i know that i almost definitely do have friends to talk to and if it gets worse I will always reach out, but at the moment it does seem very lonely in my head

[ramblesandbullshit]

I don't know what to do in a situation I'm in

My partner is not doing well at the moment and every time I try to help or say something or get him to do something that I know will help I get shot down. Want to eat something? No. Drink something? No. Go for a walk? No. Sit together and do fuck all in bed? No. I don't know what to do at this point as they've gone the whole day without eating or drinking anything, haven't left bed other than to pee and they are barely saying anything to me.

I know they're going through a rough one mentally and I can try to help or just be there but I know that someone else isn't always what's needed, but I just wish I knew what to do to make it better.

I'm sorry I can't make it better, and I'm sorry if I make it worse