PEOPLE NEVER NOTICE ANYTHING

Trina. 19.12.69. Vegan. Weed. From Slovenia. Lived. Egypt. Finland. Slovenia. Denmark. Love. Passion. Peace. Harmony. Metal. Rammstein. Bob Marley. Music. Singing. Violin. Piano. Art.

[makeuphall]

[arcusxx]

[randomgirlshit]

For Carol

You try to hide, but you’re still there. You’re living, breathing, feeling. 

I download thoughts that are on the verge of being venomous, thoughts that could push me over the edge into depths of despair. 

I see you, I feel you, I watch you. You’re like a stone in the middle of a dead silent island, gasping for clean-clear water. Gasping but no words come out. 

You’ve drowned in your dreams of boundaries and limits. You have yet to find the treasure-map. You know the way, you can feel it in your heart. But all you do is see, look. You use your eyes to notice all that doesn’t matter. 

I’m flattered, that I have caused such troubles, taken your train off the trails and pushed you to look the other way. To see that there is another way. 

You got scared, you felt fear of losing something that could never be lost. All you could have done is give in and let go. But you’re still fighting a battle between poison and cure. 

What you don’t realise is that I’m a rock in the fountain of clean-clear water, not poison, not cure. I’m drowning in your dreams of boundaries and limits. I’m silent. I’m still. I’m found.

[randomgirlshit]

I will not be tolerated, I will be appreciated.

[randomgirlshit]

Yeah, I'm into that cheeky romantic stuff. So what? Everybody has a thing, right?

[randomgirlshit]

I love him so much, I can’t believe I ever had any doubts. Now I understand that it was all because of lack of communication. I am so appreciative of the experience I had with him. He made me feel like love, he made me feel like security, he made me feel like hope; and all the times he didn’t make me feel that way I now understand that it was my perception and once again, lack of communication that drove that relationship away. 

Today I am happy; I am truly in the state of satisfaction. Today, I feel so worthy and important. That feeling will resemble and it will bring to me what I send out. 

A few days ago, I got drunk and sent him a message. The next day, I was in a panic: “Why did I send that? How could I be so stupid? Why did I have to bother him again?”. And I know it’s hard to hear for him; how I love him and still think about him. But for me, personally, to some level it gives me a feeling of happiness. To know that what we had was important to me. To know that today, I think of it with no resistance. 

I do not regret sending him that message; more of the time I feel satisfaction that I told him the words I had to. I am so happy that in the drunkest of states, I could still write something so pure. 

“ I thought about you a lot today, and it’s impossible with the knowledge I have today, to realize that we can’t be together. All that you said makes sense. But in my heart, all that makes sense is the love I have felt for you since we have met. I have never felt towards anyone, what I have felt towards you. I know you are the love of my life and we will end up together sooner or later. Even when we are 60, that would be the coolest thing ever, to even spend any of my life with you. To be able to be close to you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are doing fine and you are not judging me for feeling this way.” 

I really freaked out about that message. I woke up in the morning and deleted the Instagram App; just because I didn’t want to look at it. To even see what I wrote. To even see that he had seen it, and hadn’t replied. But today, I felt an impulse, I felt him in my chest. And I just thought, I might want to see what’s going on. 

I wish him all the best, I wish that the new girl in his life buys him flowers, rolls him joints, cooks him good food and really takes care of him. I hope that he is happy, satisfied and that in the messages I send him occasionally sees, that he is worth and that I didn’t leave him because I really felt that way. It makes me want to cry sometimes when I think about it. How I could have passed on such a huge opportunity of love. 

I know I will find it once again; maybe an even bigger love. But for now, I am good with having the thought of how close I could actually get to someone. How I could actually feel one with someone. And the saddest part is; looking back at it, I feel like one with him now. I feel us lying in bed together, I feel his kisses on my shoulders. His arms caressing my chest, while he embraces me from behind when we go to sleep. 

I also feel the cocaine up my nose, from when I was feeling very low. But I have this whole new motivation in life. I feel as if one of my beliefs has completely shifted; like “Everything is possible”. 

The point of this post; I just wanted to ramble a bit and have some memories about how amazing it was with him. How I want this feeling back; how I am sending it to my vortex and trying to loosen the resistance so it comes into my life. 

I am forever appreciative of him and this experience. I love him forever. 

[uneventfulness]

[uneventfulness]

hipster blog

[uneventfulness]

[uneventfulness]

hipster blog

[randomgirlshit]

To dream about it means that it must be reality in one dimension.

Dreaming about my ex and me, sitting together, talking once again, like nothing had changed. Finally friends, with no regrets and no anger. My mind is at peace.

[aestheticsfuture]

[bohoindiegrunge]

[uneventfulness]

hipster blog

[randomgirlshit]

I feel people, deeply. I can feel their desires, their fears, their emotion. Walking into a room, I feel the reality of it all. I never believe myself, but I have changed my mind this time. My intuition is strong, and I am learning to listen to it more and more. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world, to be able to share something that is so sacred to people, even if they don’t know it, because of their fear of sharing. I accept it all and have an understanding that everybody has their own desires. You can only achieve this by putting your desires aside and truly focus on the emotion they are surrounded by. 

[randomgirlshit]

Do you want to say anything for me, when I’m back home watching this video? “Just let go, and remember this moment”.  

[randomgirlshit]

The secret that will never be told, is that every time I put up a smile about it, my heart bursts into tiny small glass pieces burning all the bloody organs in my body. It hurts, only until I stab a sword even deeper, so I feel the infinite pain of hurting myself, instead of focusing on the barbarian virus sucking on my strawberry sugar. Unbelievable non-control over my colourful sea, a huge wave flows through my throat into my lungs suffocating me. I’m silent, I shut up, I SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I don’t belong, I never will. My Ego haunts me in my sleep. My negativity grows as I write more negatively. I try to push it out, but depression just sounds so much easier, so much comfort in the coziness of sadness. Stab me to death, stab me many times, until I deserve it.   

[randomgirlshit]

Wow, did I write this?! so nice reading stuff that I wrote a long time ago.

[randomgirlshit]

Just for tonight, when I need you the most, show me that you care. Don't put up a fight, choose your battles wisely.

[randomgirlshit]

I’ve really been MIA lately. Not just from Tumblr, but from writing in general. I’ve completely abandoned a part of myself that used to be so important. Freedom to express myself through writing, through poems, through music...  Anyway, today I write again. And just by writing these few sentences I feel the pleasure of self-expression and self-exploration. Have a wonderful evening <3 00:00 

Goodnight *

[randomgirlshit]

Once again, end of the world panic. How will we survive on the first floor, the huge wall behind us will collaps on us. We need to be in the basement. It seemed to be 6 months before the date. Somehow I was also being in a friends room. I looked over all her things. I don’t remember much more.