It's Random

Few braindumps 

[randomthinkoutside]

It’s been two years and 3 Christmases without you. The dirt on your grave has settled. Things are changing in my world again. I’m preparing to make changes and I’m not 💯 % sure why?!

I have this urge to not take flight but finish off where I am. I’ve learned a lot in my grief journey, the skills I’ve obtained through my experiences of loss, the fact I haven’t lost my shit and destroyed anything. The acknowledgement that I still am able to feel for others.

Discovering long life friendships with people. I’m questioning right now, why I’m feeling like I need to shift my scenery. I’ve made wonderful friends, I’m in a small town, I’m living at the beach but I need to shift how I’m making money.

I also need to know where home is to me.

[randomthinkoutside]

I lost my unborn granddaughter on 14th Sep 2025. My daughter was 17 weeks pregnant. If she was looked after properly and checked properly, I wouldn’t be sitting in this silent fury and deep grief for my baby and for my baby experience of having motherhood, taken from her. From never meeting my granddaughter it’s painful. I sometimes cry quietly because it’s the only way I’m going to deal with this silent fury.

[randomthinkoutside]

“Know the difference between bonding and compensating“

[randomthinkoutside]

“Sometimes it’s not connection.

It’s just compensation dressed up as understanding.” - Single Widow Life

[randomthinkoutside]

“I didn’t give you time — I gave you a vision.

What you do with it is yours to carry.

But don’t mistake possibility for a promise.”

[randomthinkoutside]

Back on the single scene with matches in one hand and standards in the other.

[randomthinkoutside]

Adjusting to single life comes with new boundaries.

I don’t rush now.

Don’t explain the silence.

Don’t open what’s already been closed.

It’s not distance.

It’s direction.

[randomthinkoutside]

Painfully watching and cannot interfere is like having your heart strung up high, waiting for someone to reach up and hold it. 💀

[randomthinkoutside]

I’ve been told I have a karmic lesson to learn. The rat shit part is, I cannot interfere in it.

[randomthinkoutside]

Thinking about giving my heart again ♥️

Yeah, no, fk that. I can’t go back to single life, I can’t just go ruthless, I can’t go back to surface loving when I’ve experienced deep loss. In short, I can’t just fk around anymore. Grief humbles you. FML

[randomthinkoutside]

Sometimes I wonder …. WTF just happened to my life?

[randomthinkoutside]

“I’m not afraid to feel this.”

“But I am afraid of what comes after it.”

[randomthinkoutside]

I know you are helping me and others from the great beyond. Thank you my love. This journey such a head mess. It’s so messy, so raw, so unpredictable, I’m not even sure which direction I’m going in life. My heart is still pouring as if you are here, but you’re not and I can’t stop this sense of love and it ain’t going anywhere, like it’s bleeding all over the place.

I sometimes entertain the thought that breaking up would be a lot easier for me to process something ending. But that was the thing, we never broke up, so I’m very unfamiliar in detaching or ending our relationship since you passed. I did hear that I don’t end the love I have for you, I honour it. It becomes part of me.

How is that for my life journey currently. Fml

You become a part of me. Ha! I can imagine you chuckling at that. I also know you’ve been guiding me too, trying to get me to lower my boundaries, seriously? 😂

Experiencing deep love/ deep loss, words cannot describe. But the deep lesson you learn through it, humbles the f out of you.

[randomthinkoutside]

My heart ❤️

[randomthinkoutside]

It’s been awhile. My grief journey has been nothing but a continuous experience, I’ve discovered the strength of vulnerability, standing in truth, patience and being unapologetic.

[randomthinkoutside]

It’s Xmas Eve 2024 and I’m thinking of you. Babe, I’m not doing good with interacting with new people. I’m distant, aloof, disconnected and disengaged. It’s not intentional, it’s a way my instincts are protecting me. I might not be fully aware of what’s really going on around me hence the natural way i distant myself from others. It’s not them. It’s me.

[randomthinkoutside]

Things are getting easier. I hope your family are doing well. I’m saying this from a huge mofo distance because I’m better here than over there.