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— SHE'S THE ONE I'M RUNNING WITH

RECEIVERS。yandere!nikolai gogol x asylum_attendant!fem!reader

WISHCARD。“Hello, Gogol. From what you had listened from other staff, you are to have an assigned attendant during your life here in this facility. My role is to devote my time to you – to please you, to take care of you, to accompany you and to entertain you. I am to supervise you throughout your day.” —— “So you'd be my friend?” —— “You could say so,”

BOUQUET。angst, very suggestive, obsessive behaviour, deranged!nikolai, heavy yandere tones, heavy hints of physical and emotional abuse, manipulation, heavy dubious consent, possible inaccuracies about asylum (more about this)

PRICE。approx. 15.0k words

FREEGIFT。after dark (mr. kitty), dark red (steve lacy), skins (the haunting)

OTHER SHOP。available on AO3

“Good morning, Nikolai.”

The man looked at the door and you gave him a friendly smile. He returned your smile with a grin as he watched you stepping further inside his room.

“Have you showered?” you asked.

“I have, yeah! Would you like to sniff me, missy?” he asked, a mischievous tone clear in his voice. You only shook your head and noticed that his hair was still damp. He probably washed his hair and let loose of it once in a while.

“Do you want to have breakfast in your room or the cafeteria?” you asked as you started to gather his blanket and folded it nicely, tidying his bed. Nikolai only watched as he sat at the edge of the bed.

“The cafeteria, please..” he replied. You nodded.

“Very well. Give me a minute and then we will go there,” you replied as you puffed up the pillow. However, your eyes were quick to roam around the bedding, trying to catch anything suspicious being hidden. That was the whole reason why you tidy up the bed after all.

You are Nikolai Gogol's asylum attendant. Gogol was being pursued because of involvement in a massive terrorist act that happened several years ago. But, six months ago, he was finally arrested for terrorism, a high number of first-degree murders and involvement in torturous and inhumane acts. There were also more records of his crime, including impersonating other private civilians and breaching the prison that held various dangerous ability users with explosives. Truly a dangerous man — you wouldn't be surprised if he were to get a verdict of death punishment.

But for some reason — some weird unknown miracle, he was admitted to the asylum instead. His reasonings for those crimes were counted as something that could be treated. There must be something wrong with the law if this kind of man is still alive after those horrendous crimes. Someone or something might had interfere with the law. But that part was out of your field, so you wouldn't question it.

Your job was to be his attendant in this facility. Your whole life as an attendant was to be dedicated to the patient. So you will dedicate your time, body and soul just to take care, please and entertain the patients you were assigned with until the end of their time in the institute.

Your life was strict — all and everything you should do and were allowed to do were regulated in the rule book. Just like the matron — your supervisor — said during your training period, “Devote yourself to the patients and the facility, that is your role and life.”

Although your devotion to the patient was important, this asylum housed patients that were criminals themselves. So the regulation book did teach and say about precautions and how to deal with them if the patients were getting violent.

Having a partner to deal with criminals was an ideal solution but the whole asylum was short-staffed of attendants. But you were fine. So far, Nikolai Gogol — your current patient — never harmed you or inappropriately touched you. Though, this man was annoying in his own way.

“Missy! I'm hungry~! Let's get to the cafeteria quick!” he whined, pulling your sleeve to get your attention.

“Yes, sir. Let's get going. You don't mind letting your hair loose?” you asked.

“Ehh~ I need to dry it naturally once in a while, no?” Nikolai got up from the bed, stretching himself. You went to the desk right beside his bed and took his favourite pompom hair tie. You kept it in your dress pocket, just in case.

“Come on! Come on!” Nikolai was getting impatient, pulling your arm and practically dragged you outside. You followed his steps but immediately pulled your arm from his grip. You must maintain a neat and proper manner after all. Nikolai pouted, seeing you fixing your appearance and posture as you walked ahead first.

“Hey~! Don't be so stuck up!” Nikolai shook your shoulder. “Feels like I'm talking to a robot! Aren't you supposed to be my friend?”

“I am your attendant, Nikolai. My role is to devote my time to you,” you replied, the same answer you had always given to him. Nikolai huffed and just twirled his finger around his hair. You only glanced at him, watching the man sadly play with his hair.

Nikolai was a bizarre man. You remembered — the first day you met Nikolai was his eighth day in the asylum.

“Good day, I'll be your personal attendant.” hands at the front, you bowed 45° to Nikolai who had his upper body strapped and was held by two guards. He looked up and his eyes widened. Then he let out an excited gasp before he tried to lunge towards you but he was immediately held back by a guard.

“I like you! You're so pretty!”

“Hey! Behave yourself..!”

You only smiled. It wasn't strange to have some patients charming up their way to escape, so you thought Nikolai might be the same. “Nice to meet you too, Sir Gogol,” you replied. Then you turned to the guards. “Bring him to his room, can you? I'll take care of everything after,” you said. They obeyed you and brought Nikolai to his room. When you came inside, Nikolai was sitting on the bed, still strapped.

“Miss. We'll wait outside and leave when everything's confirmed to be fine. This man is dangerous.” one of the guards said. You nodded and patted his back in a friendly manner.

“It's okay. I promise nothing bad will happen,” you replied. You were trained to defend yourself if the patient ever attacked you, and you also had a small knife hidden somewhere in your dress.

The guards left and it was only you and Nikolai in the room. He had been staring at you from the very beginning until right at the moment. You pulled the chair and positioned it right in front of him. You sat down, hands on your lap, proper manner.

“Hello, Gogol. From what you had listened from other staff, you are to have an assigned attendant during your life here in this facility. My role is to devote my time to you — to please you, to take care of you, to accompany you and to entertain you. I am to supervise you throughout your day.” you explained.

“So you'd be my friend?” he asked, beaming.

“You could say so,” you replied. He then cackled.

“So if I asked you to dance, you would dance?”

“Of course. We attendants do have skills to entertain our patients,” you said calmly, which surprised Nikolai a bit. He was just joking but if you could dance so well for him, then he will take that information as his personal memo.

“Any other questions, Gogol?”

“Call me Nikolai, pretty lady! Let's skip to the first-name basis!” Nikolai said happily, scooting closer to the edge of the bed. You kept your demeanour as you scooted the chair to the back a bit, maintaining distance.

“Well, Nikolai. Anything else?”

“I thought there would be two of you being my friends but I guess not. My my! You must be a strong girl if you can be assigned alone to attend to a patient.” Nikolai remarked.

“We are short-staffed, first and foremost. Also, I do have ways to defend myself if you ever attacked me. And I wouldn't recommend that to ensure your safety, Nikolai. Although we are short-staffed, we are very strict on regulations towards the workers and the patients. You might get in big trouble if you display violent tendencies.” you explained before you stood up.

Then, you sat right next to him on the bed. Nikolai's smile withered as his mismatched eyes gleamed. His breathing got heavier — as if he just found something valuable, something so precious he would never let it go.

“Now, I'll take off this strap. But I need you to not get violent or inappropriate. Else, the guards might have to be harsher on you.” you said. Nikolai looked at you and then the strap and then you again.

“Uh-huh! Don't worry, I won't hurt ya! You're in my good book so far!” Nikolai grinned. “Come, come! Release me from this,” he said, adjusting his position so you could undo the strap.

“I'd appreciate your cooperation, Nikolai,” you said before you undid the strap. Then you helped him to take off the strap jacket. Once Nikolai was free, he instantly stood up. You stepped back in urgency, preparing to defend yourself.

But instead, Nikolai just stretched himself, groaning with a hoarse yet high voice. “Wah~! Feels liberating, hm!”

You looked at him suspiciously but he wasn't showing any hostility. Compared to how he looked, he actually was pretty tall. Though his body was not as big and muscular as the guards, he was pretty well-built.

You stood properly again, folding the strap jacket neatly. Nikolai then looked at you and smirked. He stepped closer but he was still looking friendly — and you knew better than to trust this persona early on.

“Nikolai.”

“You're so pretty. I really like you.”

You frowned a bit but remained calm. “Please do know that in my line of work, I have witnessed so many attempts from my patients to escape — including charming their own attendant. I am trained, Nikolai,” you said and Nikolai only listened with that weirdly smug face — as if he won an invisible battle.

“Besides, I am engaged.”

You thought his smug smile would drop when you clarified your status but Nikolai was just staring at you with the same dreamy look. He then giggled before his finger caught the white ribbon from your dress and twirled it.

“Oh, really? What a shame.”

You gulped — welp, this did not go as expected. Nikolai's finger then trailed up to your face, barely touching your chin. His touch was too subtle and too soft but both of you knew he had touched your face albeit very lightly. Nikolai let out a broken small giggle.

“You are just so pretty, little bird.”

“Birdie, did you hear what I say?”

“Huh?”

Nikolai pouted, tapping his bowl with his spoon. You two were now in the cafeteria. Your mind brought you into a journey to the past and it felt like you had been on autopilot this whole time.

“Why're you ignoring me?” Nikolai whined, lightly kicking your leg under the table like a child. You only chuckled awkwardly but you remained composed.

“I apologized for getting distracted, Nikolai. Uh.. how's the breakfast today?” you asked, immediately trying to change the topic to entertain Nikolai.

“Better than yesterday, love.”

“Is that so? Glad to hear that,” you replied. “What would you like to do today? Shall we continue our board game yesterday evening? Or would you like to play some musical instruments? Violin?” you asked. Nikolai hummed as he rested his cheek on his palm.

“My friend liked cello,” he remarked.

“Really? Do you know how to play it?” Nikolai shrugged his shoulders at the question — which did not confirm anything.

“I wanna go to the garden. From day to night — let's play cricket!” Nikolai exclaimed excitedly, two fingers pointed up to the ceiling. “I wanna see you run around the field with that dress!” he grinned.

“Oh, my my... We could play cricket but I'm afraid I have regulations to follow.” — yes. Attendants were expected to present themselves neatly, cleanly and with proper manners. But regardless, you still have to dedicate yourself entertain your patient. If he wanted to play cricket, then you'd gladly do so.

“Right, right. All that regulations bullshit. I know, I know.” Nikolai waved his hand, dismissing. He then raised his fork and took a piece of potato from your plate. “Hm~! Why does your food always taste better than mine? Not fair!” he whined.

“You can always request me if you wanted a personalised dish,” you said, giving him a few more pieces of potato onto his plate. Nikolai grinned cheekily as he ate the potato happily.

“Yeah, yeah! I know, you're my servant.”

“I am your attendant.”

“Okay, okay! Whatever! It's the same!”

“So, the garden today?”

“Yes, love.”

As per agreement, you and Nikolai spent the day in the garden. During the first few weeks of his time in the asylum, Nikolai often made an effort to come to the garden to take care of the birds. Since then, the birdhouse located in the garden seemed to be under Nikolai's care now.

“How are the birds today, Nikolai?” you asked when Nikolai excitedly opened one of the birdhouses to look at his birds. He cooed and tugged your arm to come closer.

“Look! Baby birds!” he pointed at a colony of chicks at the back of the birdhouse. You cheered a bit in adoration, the chirps were indeed loud in the house. “Aww, they're so cute. I'm not gonna disturb them for now. They need their mama.” Nikolai said as he adjusted some leaves and tree sticks in the section before closing the door.

“Would you like to feed the birds, Nikolai?” you asked.

“Oh, absolutely. Could you take one cup of it for me, dearest?” Nikolai grinned and you just smiled at him before you took a cup of seeds and nuts for the birds. You gave the cup to Nikolai and he giggled.

“Aren't we such a sweet couple? Taking care of the birds together like they're our children!” he exclaimed which you nodded with a smile.

“You are very fond of them, yes,” you replied. Nikolai was always smiley when he was taking care of the birds. And it gave you a sense of serenity, watching him feeding the birds in silence.

“... Don't you have questions, dear?” he suddenly struck a question. You looked at him but he did not turn to you at all, just focusing on the birds.

“What questions..?”

“About me liking birds.”

Seeing a person being enthusiastic about something was not weird for you. Him taking care of the birds shadowed a piece of humanity inside him, you thought. But the way he solemnly voiced that out just made you think there might be something more than him purely having an interest in birds.

“Why do you like birds, Nikolai?” you asked — conversation to fill his time and keep his mind busy. Besides, you had to entertain him after all.

“I couldn't remember when I took a liking to them — I guess when I was young. But every time I see birds flying in the sky, unbothered, I can't help but to think, maybe freedom exists after all... Maybe I could feel something like that. Perhaps sooner or later, I could find what I seek..”

“... Well, what did you seek?”

“Freedom. A true free will.” Nikolai turned to you, eyes sharp. “I believe if I get rid of my emotions, I could be free from this cage. I despise feelings — for me, it's brainwashing. Why should I feel guilty when I kill someone? Why should I feel sad when a death of a family member occurred? Emotions, my dear, are just a hindrance in your very head from doing something. That's why, even as a sane man, I...”

He looked down at his palm and you did too. Just then, you noticed a long thin streak of blood scarred his porcelain skin. He was hurt. Probably from a sharp tree stick while he was adjusting them.

“Oh, my God. We need to clean it up.” you held his hand and Nikolai flinched. You looked at his face and his eyes were fixated on you.

“I... The blood... No, it doesn't hurt... Just...”

Instead of pulling his hand away, he held your hand back, engulfing you entirely. Nikolai sighed softly, “I... I love your touch... I love you so much...” he mumbled as he brought your hand to his lips. He nuzzled his face against the back of your hand, but before he could kiss it, you immediately pulled your hand away from him.

“Nikolai..!”

He looked at you — eyes confused and innocently pure.

“W-Wait here... Just wait. I'll bring a clean napkin and some plasters for you real quick,” you said, words quite stumbling each other as you took a few steps back and made a jog to the facility. You managed to turn to Nikolai one more time and he was still looking at you.

You felt unease — but you needed to remember, this was your reality of being an attendant.

A few minutes later, you returned to the garden with a small roll of bandage and a napkin. You saw Nikolai was still at the birdhouses, but this time, there was a man with him there. A man in an attendant uniform.

“Nikolai...?” you called for your patient and Nikolai turned to you. Just then you noticed he was clenching something in his hand — it looked like a rock. Swiftly, you stood in between Nikolai and the man, quickly taking the rock from his hand and dropped it to the ground.

“Taking care of your patient well, baby?” the man asked and you only sighed lowly.

“The male and female attendants are not allowed to associate together while on duty — that was one of the very first lines in the regulation book,” you said. The man snorted mockingly. “And you must not leave your patient's side,” you added, glaring at him.

“What? Talking to the mirror, darl'? You left this guy here alone too. And I'm supposed to follow my patient to constipate?” he replied. “Would be a mess if the head attendant saw us but I need to get my answer right now,” he said.

“What...?” you asked.

“Where were you last night? Why didn't you come home to our room yesterday?”

“... A-Are you serious..? Why are you asking this right now when we are on duty..?” you replied, averting the question. “Don't bring personal stuff into our work...” you mumbled, dissatisfied.

“What? I'm not allowed to be worried about my fiancée now?” your lover tsk'd and glared at you sharply. Noticing his eyes, you looked away.

“I don't wanna... argue here, especially in front of this guy. But well, he's a criminal, he sure understands, yeah?” the man cackled as he nudged Nikolai's shoulder. Then he turned to you, “Come back home tonight. I'll be waiting. Or else.”

The man finally left and you clicked your tongue. But, you immediately coughed to yourself, pursing your lips to subdue your frustration as you put up your manner again.

“Nikolai?” you turned to him and saw how he was still watching your fiance's figure leaving the garden.

“Nikolai, hand, please. I need to treat you.”

Nikolai frowned and then pouted. He half-heartedly gave his hand to you, letting you clean it and wrap it nicely with the bandage.

“I don't like it.”

“You don't like what?” you asked.

“He's been hurting you, hasn't he?”

“N-No! No, no... It's fine. It's just one of those lovers' quarrels. W-We... are fine... Besides, you don't have to worry anything about me. Just focus on yourself and I'm more than happy to assist you in every way possible. That's what I should do after all.”

You did not dare to look up at Nikolai, just giving your attention to his hand. However, that did make you miss the threatening gaze and quivering irises from him.

You were later than your schedule. You were supposed to be with Nikolai right at the supposed time but you were late. All because of... certain things happening behind the curtain.

When you arrived at Nikolai's ward, you opened the door, greeting him with your usual friendliness.

“Good morning, Niko—”

The room was empty, with no signs of Nikolai. You stepped inside, trying to look around — maybe he was curling up on the corner. But really, the room was tiny enough for you to know it was empty. The only thing that had been touched was the messy bed with scattered papers on it.

“Where'd he go? Does he have any therapy session or something?” you mumbled to yourself, roaming around the room until your eyes caught the sight of the scattered papers again.

They were folded. There was also a pencil in the mess. You felt curious and you reached for one of the papers. As you unfolded it, you realized it was not just any random note, rather it was a letter.

You could not read the language written in the letter. It was probably one of the Slavic languages which you did recognize by the way the writing looked. But you could understand the first line of the letter.

“For my dearest doll...?”

You frowned. This letter was dedicated to someone that he referred to as 'doll'. You wondered if the other folded papers were the same. So you reached for another one.

“For my little songbird...?”

You started to look after each letter, now noticing constant patterns. The name of the receivers was never mentioned, just replaced by some endearment terms. All the contents were written in a foreign language.

“Is he writing for the same person?” you asked yourself, checking other letters until you finally saw one letter that was probably different.

“For my dear friend, Fedya... Fedya? Why is this letter named but not the others..?” you mumbled before you took another one that was a bit crumpled at the side. You unfolded it — much to your surprise, the receiver of the letter was someone you knew.

“Why... Why does this have my name..?” your hands shook slightly, seeing a crumpled letter dedicated to you. You felt heavy in your chest. You were very curious about what he might have written to you as you couldn't read nor understand the content of the letter. But perhaps, not knowing what he wrote would be better for you.

“Shit.. What am I doing? I should look for him quickly—”

“Yeah, you should have looked for me from the beginning, love.”

You turned your head around, seeing Nikolai standing behind you. The door was closed and he was eyeing you with hidden intentions — malicious. Nikolai tilted his head, hands behind his back.

“Hello, love.”

“N-Nikolai..! H-Hey..!” you tried to maintain your friendliness but your mask crumbled as Nikolai was fast enough to grip your shoulders and pushed you onto the bed. You gasped and immediately tried to get away but Nikolai laughed as he climbed to hover over you.

“It's okay, darling. It's okay, I'm not mad you're looking at those.” Nikolai closed the gap between the two of you, whispering to your ear softly. His hand slithered from your stomach to your chest and finally rested around your neck. He was seizing your jaw, hard.

“In fact, I'm happy. You wanted to know me better— You wanted to know more about me.”

“No... No, that's not it..” you placed your hands on his chest, trying to push him away gently to give you personal space but Nikolai only chuckled, unmoving.

“It's the first time we've been this close. I can smell your scent — you're so nice, darling...” he sighed.

“G-Get off..! You can't touch me— inappropriately..!” you tried to push him or at least reach for the hidden knife in your dress. But Nikolai only cackled before he raised himself a bit, still caging you under him.

“I'm touching you better than that man... Ugh, I can't even call him your fiancé — you don't deserve such treatment, dear. Really.” Nikolai sighed defeatedly. Then his eyes glared down at your body, up and down and it made you feel super self-conscious.

“I was gone for the toilet. But then I saw your... your fiancé again. He looked at me funny. I don't like it. He even mocked me, saying how I'm a weirdo and insane. He's totally wrong, but... But you said I can't use violence — so, I don't do anything to him..” Nikolai rambled and you just had to listen to him.

“His knuckles are red though... And I think—”

Nikolai trailed his hand from your neck to your stomach. He then smiled before he pressed his palm hard on the side of your tummy. You yelped, body jerking in reaction to the pain.

“He hit you, didn't he? He hit you. He hit you right here. On your tummy. Maybe somewhere else too. When I did this to my darlings, they didn't let out such reactions unless I wounded them. But I never wound you. I never hurt you here. So why is this?”

“I'm... I'm an attendant. Of course I might get hurt here and there.” you replied, making up an excuse.

“But that doesn't explain the small bruises on your face two weeks ago. Oh? What if there are new bruises on you right now and you managed to cover them with some cheap powder? What if I just...” he reached out his other hand to touch your face but you immediately turned away.

“Y-You'll hurt me, Nikolai,” you spoke out with sternness in your voice. Nikolai's hand froze in the air before it retracted. You glanced at him, seeing his somewhat surprised face. Then slowly, you felt his weight was lifted off you.

Before you could react, Nikolai gripped your wrist, pulling you to sit up.

“Eh..?”

“I don't wanna hurt you...” he mumbled, eyes everywhere but you. He looked like a lost cat. Though he did look harmless now, you scooted away from him. Some papers shuffled on the bed and fall to the floor. You only eyed them as Nikolai started to silently collect them.

“... Why is there a letter for me?”

“I wrote letters for people I cherished,” Nikolai replied. You frowned. The letters were a lot. And as you could recall, the head attendant for female attendants, the matron had given you a file of Nikolai's personal records that they could compile and receive. But never in the file mentioned anything about Nikolai having a known family member or friend that was willing to bail him out of jail or testify for him during his trial.

He seemed to work and operate alone. Imaginary friends, maybe? So why weren't the receivers for most — if not all — of these letters named?

“Why're you looking confused, dearest?” Nikolai asked, finally had collected tens of the letters in his hands.

“Oh... No.. No, just wondering something..” you mumbled. Nikolai suddenly gleamed with excitement before he laughed.

“You're acting weird! Just say you're curious about me, honey! I have been plotting tons of riddles to spice up our relationship!” he said. You only chuckled awkwardly before standing up from the bed.

“Nikolai, I'm sorry for my lateness to attend to you... But now we can continue on our usual routine,” you said, trying to reach back to the usual tension and routine. You had regulations to follow after all. “It is almost noon.. Should we get lunch?” you asked.

“I'm not hungry yet,” Nikolai replied.

“Oh... Then, to the birdhouses?”

“Then your fiancé might be there too.. I don't like him. He's been hurting you.”

You pursed your lips. It felt like he had been rubbing that fact to your face as much as he could whenever he could relate something back to your fiancé.

“Where do you wanna spend your day today then?”

“... Somewhere where your boyfie won't find us.”

This fucking man...

“Uh... How about the lounge? We can play some new board games.” you suggested and Nikolai hummed, swinging his long legs.

“M'kay...”

After you tidied up his bed decently, both of you left the room and you could finally take a relieved breath. At least you two were in the open now. You did not realize how tense you were while being in a small room with only Nikolai.

“Alright, come. Let's get to the lounge. I'm sure you'll love the new board games.” you said, trying to lift up the heaviness in your chest. You felt as if you had been through the whole day but you were sure it was barely thirty minutes in that room.

You walked ahead first but your steps slowed when you felt your hand was being held — this time, tenderly.

You looked to your side, seeing Nikolai was holding your hand. His fingers linked in between yours, tightening his grip. He smiled cheekily. “I wanna hold your hand. Can I?”

Well, he was already holding it...

“Yeah...” you replied and Nikolai grinned.

With hands intertwined, you two walked to the lounge. Strangely, despite what happened in the room, you sensed no danger from him now. He was just happy as he got the chance to walk with holding hands.

Unconsciously, you returned his hold. It feels nice.

“Why...”

“Why're you like this?”

Your voice was small as you fruitlessly tried to push your fiancé away. His lips were giving nonstop sloppy kisses against your lips and neck. He only chuckled upon your question — his lips nibbled your earlobe softly.

“I'm kissing your bruises better, baby.”

“N-No..! Enough! Not now, please...” you begged and your legs shook when you felt him grinding against your thigh. “We're in the storage room— This is not appropriate..!” you raised your voice, in hope that it would get to his head.

“And? The more thrilling it is, the better.”

“You can't be joking— I won't have sex with you right in here while we are both waiting for our patients..!” you said, finally pushing him away with a mild kick to his thigh. Your fiancé groaned and you immediately stood straight from your position — leaned against boxes of unknown items.

This evening, Nikolai and several other patients were dragged to participate in an activity — probably a therapy session. So you and some attendants were left with no one to take care of. And by some horrible luck, your fiancé also had no patient, which means he could take advantage of your free time to do anything he wanted.

Including dragging you to a nearby storage room.

For intentions.

And you hated this. You felt incredibly unsafe. Much worse than when Nikolai had you under him.

“I'm leaving! I need to tend to my patient and I have no time to play with you.” you sternly said. Your fiancé clicked his tongue seeing you harshly rub your face with your sleeves as if his kisses were that bad and nasty — they were.

“Yeah, go and get attached to that terrorist freak,” he replied. “Tonight you're gonna come back into my arms anyway,” he added with a mocking laugh. You glared at him but you did not want to waste any more time in this storage room with him. So you quickly left the room and went to look for Nikolai — anything just to get away for now.

You travelled the whole floor and to his room, but Nikolai was not seen at all. You even went to the cafeteria as it was already dinner time, in case the staff brought the participating patients there, but you really could not find him.

“Did I really just lose my patient? Oh God...” you mumbled to yourself, trying to keep your appearance and face as calm as possible. Manners, first and foremost.

“Nikolai... My God, where are you?” you whispered to yourself as you kept your eyes down, not wanting to make a contact with other busy attendants and staff that might notice you just lost a patient because of how alone you were right now.

You walked out of the facility, making your way to the garden. Or to be exact the birdhouses. And much to your relief, you saw Nikolai standing at the birdhouses, alone in the dark garden as the only light provided were some dim tall lamps and the moon.

“Nikolai!” you called out his name jovially and he turned from the birdhouses. His smile returned to his face as he waved at you, not making any moves to come towards you instead.

So you jogged towards him, holding your dress up a bit to allow your feet to make bigger steps. You reached him and he just grinned.

“You looked tired, honey. Were you running around the asylum to come to find me?” Nikolai giggled playfully. “Don't fret, fret not! I'm not about to run away! Yet! Haha, kidding.” he tapped your shoulder as he laughed.

“Either way, I'm glad you aren't hurt or anything.. You seemed fine, after whatever the staff did to you... So.. Uh, would you like to come with me to get dinner?” you asked. Nikolai hummed and shook his head before he pointed to a bench nearby. You looked at the bench, seeing two meal boxes on it.

“They gave us food. And I took one extra for you before I ran away quickly — each patient should take one only because they made it just according to the numbers. But I really want to eat with you.” Nikolai said before he took your hand.

“Can you work overtime tonight, darling?”

You did not know what possessed you to agree — but when you nodded, Nikolai's eyes gleamed as he dragged you to the bench. He placed his arm around your shoulders, essentially pulling you close to him. You could hear his snicker when he was close to you.

However, he then made a confused noise before he gripped both your shoulders, forcing you to stand facing him properly.

“W-What?”

“There's a hickey.” Nikolai frowned, his finger pressing a spot on your neck. You gulped and quickly held his wrist to prevent him from touching you any further.

“I smell a faint scent of a man on your clothes too...”

“Nikolai..! Let's ignore this and let's just eat, okay?” you held both his wrists and tried to pull him to the bench. But Nikolai tensed himself, making it harder for you to drag him. You sighed and looked at him, shaking your head.

“Please don't make this harder for me...”

“I don't like it...”

“Yes, I know you don't like it but—”

“Wash it off.”

“What?”

Nikolai yanked his hand from your grip, only to hold your neck again. “Wash this off. Wash his scent off. I don't like it. I don't wanna smell his lingering scent. I hate it. I'll even wipe them off for you. Let's go. Let's go to the toilet and wash you off. I don't like it. I don't like him. I hate him. He hurt you and tainted you. I hate it.” he spoke, a bit demanding. Too demanding, to be honest.

“Okay, okay! I'll wash it off later! I promise this mark will be gone tomorrow, okay? But I really need you to eat now. Really, I'll make sure you won't smell any trace of my fiancé at all tomorrow.” you said, attempting a negotiation.

“.... Promise?”

“Yes, Nikolai. I promise. Now let's eat, okay?”

You and Nikolai finally sat down on the bench together. You silently exhaled a long breath in relief. The day was too hectic for you — your fiancé dragging you, losing Nikolai but then he acted weird. When your shift ended, you might have to face your fiancé again in your shared dormitory.

“You're gloomy now. What happened?” Nikolai asked as he mindlessly played with his food. You glanced at him and shook your head, letting out an awkward laugh.

“I think I'm very tired to explain anything right now. I'm just feeling too exhausted today. Everyone has that particular day once in a while.” you replied, nonchalantly. Nikolai however watched you in silence. He then hummed before sighing.

“I pity you.”

“What?”

“You're bounded to rules and regulations. And you are aware of that. Now, let's not lie to ourselves about those bruises, love. We both know what most likely happened. You're like a bird, aware that it is trapped but made no effort to get the key. You're only flapping your wings to avoid unwanted touches but you're still flying in your own cage.” Nikolai spoke, eyes solemnly looking down.

“... What are you implying, then?”

“You kinda reminded me of myself at some point in my life.” Nikolai snickered. You side-eyed him and just returned to your food.

“You mentioned how you wanted to get rid of your emotions. Yet, here you are, sympathising with me and my fate. You even wrote letters for people and most likely reminisced fragments of your life while doing so. You desperately want to run away but why do you keep coming back?” you asked, finally sparing a look at him. Instead of a shocked face, Nikolai was looking at you with somberity, sprinkled with a little crook of a smile.

“I could not describe how exactly I felt when I killed him. It felt light in here, as if nothing was confining it. Freedom. That might be how freedom feels like. Liberating, albeit for a short moment — for a new heaviness came to engulf me again.”

“I wanted to feel that relief again. I wanted to feel that liberation, that freedom. So I poured my heart to my darlings and basked them in affection that I know would kill both of us. If I indulged myself in much painful brainwashing, then when I get rid of it, I would achieve much pleasant freedom, no? That's what I thought. But it's never enough — I would never feel the same way when I killed him, none could make me feel as free as he did.”

“But I think... maybe I've found the perfect one now.”

You gulped, immediately breaking eye contact when you felt a slight unease. “... I.. I see..” you replied, low enough just for him to hear that affirmation. “... The greater the suffering, the greater the freedom,” you mumbled.

“Guess you are braver than I am, battling your own head while being aware of the consequences,” you commented. Though, you sounded like you were very uninterested and exhausted. How could you not?

You felt your energy was drained to zero and you did not feel like eating at all now. Furthermore, the meal that was given to the patients simply looked dry as hell — a true prisoner's food. They even tasted bland.

Silence surrounded the two of you. You just focused on trying to swallow the awful food, completely unaware of what Nikolai was doing.

“Dove, look.”

You turned to Nikolai, expecting his shenanigans. And just as you expected, he was holding a tissue with two fingers. Then with his other free empty hand, he made a fist. He covered his fist and gestured to you to blow on it.

“What?”

“Blow on it! You might get a prize!”

You looked at him confused and half-heartedly blew on the tissue. Suddenly he pulled the tissue away, only to show a single red blooming rose in his hand. Your eyes widened in surprise at the trick and Nikolai laughed softly at your expression.

“A rose, for the most beautiful dove I've ever seen.”

He gave the rose to you and you took it. A small smile curved on your lips.

“Waa! Now you are finally smiling! Do you wanna see more magic tricks?” Nikolai asked before he showed his hand. Empty on the back, empty on the palm. Then he trailed his hand on your hair, to the back of your neck and pulled back, only to show you a red fluffy ball in his hand.

“Huh? Where did that...?” you touched your hair, trying to feel if he had hidden anything but you did not feel anything weird.

“Not yet! I'm not done!” Nikolai closed his hand around the fluffy red ball. He poked his fist twice and opened his palm again, only to reveal three fluffy balls in his hand now.

“What?”

“Whoops! Not yet.” he closed his hand again around those three red balls. He then took your hand, placing it on top of his. “Say my name softly.”

“N-Nikolai...?”

“Haha! You're easy to trick! I just wanna listen to that.” he cackled. “But here you go, princess.”

He pulled his fist away from you and suddenly swung that hand in your direction. Instead of three fluffy balls being thrown at you, it was a rain of red petals.

“How did you do that?!” you cooed in amazement, hands open to reach the petal. They were real flowers, at least you felt so. You unknowingly giggled to yourself — for some reason, having petals thrown at you made you feel like some kind of princess in a telenovela.

“Did you feel better now?” Nikolai asked, standing up proudly. Both of your meals had been contaminated by the red petals and you were sure Nikolai did not want to eat such things anyway.

“If you still feel sad, I can give you more magic! Will you believe it if I say I trained the birds to do tricks with me? Like those in a circus, haha!”

“Your magic does make me feel better... Thank you,” you uttered, smiling nicely at him as your finger traced the rose. “Hopefully you did not pluck this from the crop. You might get in trouble with the gardener,” you commented.

“Who knows, who knows!” Nikolai laughed. Then he stepped closer to you.

“Red suits you, love! Red suits us, no? Your surprised face when surrounded by those pretty crimson petals was such a nice sight. I'm the luckiest man on earth to be able to witness such magnificent beauty, enough to make my breathing stop! How beautiful! How powerful! You're such a lovely girl, it's a shame...”

His fingers tucked your chin and he went closer.

“What a shame, there were more disgusting reds on you.”

And at that moment, you felt a delicate touch on your cheek — and when his lips touched that spot on your skin, you felt a light painful sting as it was a new red on you. But the sting was not for long as the way he stilled his lips on you felt too soft and tender. His thumb traced your lips, rubbing them ever so carefully and lovingly.

Lovingly.

“Did I kiss it better, love?”

You did not know how things escalated. Ever since that night, you made the effort to always have dinner with Nikolai, be it in the garden or the cafeteria, sometimes even in his room. It was better to stay overtime instead of coming home early only to your fiancé.

But your fiancé was quick to catch up on your lateness when you came home. Arguments erupted and you were afraid to spend more time with your patient. Nikolai even complained about how your fiancé often bothered him, which you believed almost immediately since you knew that bastard most likely did it.

“Are you gonna go back right on time again today?” Nikolai asked, holding your hand as he did not want to leave the lounge yet. If you were almost off duty, you should bring your patient back to their ward.

“Yes, Kolya. Come on, let's clean up this mess and go back to your ward,” you said as you took the box for the board game to tidy up.

“No, no! I don't wanna go back yet.” he held your wrist tightly. “Please, spend more time with me. Why're you so eager to leave me nowadays? I thought we...”

You felt a pang of guilt in your heart when you saw Nikolai was being crystal clear upset. You weren't sure what he thought of that soft kiss on the cheek he gave to you that night but he probably thought whatever relationship you two had right now had evolved. He had a unique way of thinking after all.

“Nikolai... I care about you, alright? But if I breach my regulations multiple times, I might get in trouble.” you tried to explain. Nikolai clicked his tongue and tightened his grip around your wrist, making you more nervous.

“Your fiancé gave you the trouble, right? He's always bothering me too.” Nikolai said. “Don't go yet,” he added, insisting to have you keep playing board games and cards with him. You shook your head, giving up on keeping your facade.

“Why? Why are you so scared of that bastard so much? Aren't you supposed to devote your time to your patient? I am your patient — so devote yourself to playing games with me.” Nikolai whined, shaking your hand like a child trying to force their parents.

“I can't, Kolya...! He threatened me. If I work overtime again, he'll claim that I'm getting attached to you. Maybe it could even escalate to accusations about helping you escape. I can't risk that. I can't risk anything now — I have no one and nowhere to go to if I lose this job.”

“....” Nikolai stared at you for a moment before he let go of your wrist. He turned glum and just slumped over the couch as he let you tidy all the pieces from the board game on the table. Awkwardness clouded the room as you silently cleaned up and put things according to their places.

“Be honest, dove,” he spoke, causing you to halt your work for a minute. You turned your head to him and Nikolai was still looking down at the empty table. But in his hand, he was playing with a red ball, squeezing it and kneading it.

“Don't you want to bleed those who bruised you?”

“To swallow such pain... To allow people to step on you, control your every manner — as long as you can still live another day just the way your brain had engraved.”

“Are you scared, dove?”

You did not respond as you turned your head away from him, not wanting to entertain his riddle this time. But Nikolai was not having it as he stood up, stepping closer to you. Without saying anything, he slithered his arm around your waist, pulling you against his chest.

“Are you scared, my dove?” he repeated. You tried to push him away gently but with his free hand, he held yours tenderly, unlike how aggressive he was just now. You felt his breath getting heavier as you noticed from the corner of your eyes that he was resting his head on your shoulder.

His hand that was on your waist started to knead your flesh, purposely putting more pressure on a spot where he knew he could get a small painful shriek from you. And you did, body wiggling trying to avoid his intentful touch — it backfired as it just caused you to snuggle against his face.

His cold lips traced your hair and then to the shell of your ear.

“I love you, dove. And I'll help you fly too.”

To convince Nikolai to let you go was hard. You had to make up promises and oaths to negotiate with him — which was easy to utter but not easy when Nikolai started to demand you to do those promises. Whatever, as long as you're free for now.

The walk to his ward was quiet. As usual, he wanted to hold hands while walking, so you let him — would be another headache if he started to whine and be forceful. At least it felt nice. You noticed how Nikolai liked to rub his thumb on your skin and he would grip you a bit harder when you two were making a turn. His fingers were also long and slender, though somewhat veiny.

“We are here, Kolya,” you said when you two were finally in front of his ward. You took out the key to his ward from your pocket and unlocked the door. You also scanned your keycard — double lock, double safety as the higher-ups said.

You opened the door and motioned to him to enter his ward. Nikolai glanced at you and then at your hands. You waited for him to finally enter and after a few minutes of being in silence, Nikolai stepped into his ward.

But he didn't let go of your hand yet.

“My love.”

“Yes, Kolya?”

He turned to you, smiling. Then he leaned forward and you knew, stepping back would only make him move forward and further out from his ward. So you stayed still.

“Brave girl now, huh? Think it's time...”

“What?”

“Nothing... Anyway, I have a request,” he said. You tilted your head, listening. Nikolai smirked.

“I heard from other patients that there is a circus show in town. I would love to watch it.”

“A... A circus show?” you asked, trying to confirm and Nikolai nodded. You looked at him oddly. “You wanna go out from the facility to watch a circus show?” you asked again and his answer was the same — a nod.

“Yes. Yes to all, darling. Could you do that? I just... Well, it's been months now and I really yearn to watch a circus show.” he said. You bit your lips, head hanging low as you thought of his wish. Of course you could request the matron to bring him out with extra supervision. But the possibility of Nikolai trying to escape was still very much big.

“I'll think about it..” you replied, smiling at him.

“Thank you, love. I expect good news.” Nikolai grinned. You let go of his hand finally and held the door to close. But Nikolai still wanted his bits of freedom.

“One more! Can you come closer for a second?”

You obliged, stepping closer but your hands were still on the door. Nikolai flashed you his usual coy gleam before he leaned forward. A soft kiss landed on your forehead and a dainty giggle emitted from him.

“Goodnight, sweetheart!”

And he himself pulled the door to his ward closed.

You stood in front of his ward, frozen. Your hand reached up to your forehead, on the spot where he kissed. A light chuckle crumbled from your throat as you left the hallway.

As tomorrow made its way, you were still following the same routine. And Nikolai did not fail to bring up the circus show topic again.

“How did you even listen to some conversation about this circus show?” you asked as you watched Nikolai carefully stroking the bird on his hand with his finger. You two were at the birdhouses — Nikolai's favourite place aside from the lounge.

“While you were gone for a moment, I bother people. So I bothered some patients and listened to their conversations. Apparently, there's an organization specialised in circus show that is performing in funfairs.” Nikolai said before he gently moved the bird off his hand.

“So? What's the verdict? Can we go out on a date?” he snickered.

“A date? No, no... Nikolai, of course there are cases where the patient could leave the asylum for a while but that requires heavy supervision.” you replied. “Not to mention, your reputation...”

“Well, that's to be expected, no? No way this facility would let someone like me escape easily!”

Then Nikolai — dramatically — grasped both your hands, holding them close to his heart. “Please, love? I really want to watch a circus show. It's fine if it's such a shitty non-popular troop but circus... that... that was once important for me.”

“Do you have some sort of past regarding a circus?” you asked.

“... Well, you might find out one day,” Nikolai replied as he looked at your hands. His smile deepened as he brought both your hands to cup his cheeks, providing warmth in the early winter.

“You feel cold, Kolya...”

“You too, dove. But your touch is just so comforting, I could bask in it no matter how frosty you feel,” he murmured as he tilted his head, pressing kisses on your palm. Your fingers clenched — tensed as you did not expect Nikolai to smooch your skin again in the span of twenty-four hours.

“Urm...”

“You aren't afraid of me anymore. I'm happy.” Nikolai muttered before his hold on your hands became loose and you took the chance to pull away. You rubbed your hands together, trying to calm your heart and console the lingering coldness from his touch.

“I really hope you'd consider it. I don't mind if there would be three or more guards following us along to the circus show. I don't mind wearing an electronic tag if they wanted to track my location. They can put me in a strap jacket, I don't care. I just really want to watch a circus show.” Nikolai rambled as his finger scratched the wooden wall of the birdhouses.

“Besides, the circus show most likely will be held during the night when the fun fair is at its peak of entertainment. That, my love, could be more reason for you to not come back to that bastard,” he added and strangely, his voice lowered a few tones while speaking the last bits — like a snake trying to slither its way into your mind.

And it did.

Logically, if you were to come home late — probably after your fiancé had gone asleep, you could avoid arguments and have a reason as to why you are late. I was on duty and the matron got the notice. You cannot threaten to report me because I was literally working! — Yeah, that would be perfect. Even for a temporary escape, at least you could enjoy a circus and come home without worry.

“My dove? What say you?”

“... The matron might be in her office this evening. I have to leave you alone for a moment if I want to bring this up to her,” you said and Nikolai cooed in eagerness.

“So we will go for a circus date?”

“Not yet, Kolya. Please keep your expectation low. Until the matron gives permission and some regulations for me to follow to bring you out, let's not get our hopes high up.” you stated. But regardless you smiled at him.

Nikolai grinned — though you had seen him grinning multiple times, this time you felt different about it. It was not uneasiness, nor discomfort.

Tricky. Perhaps enigmatic.

It was surprising that the matron actually allowed you to bring Nikolai out for a circus show. You did say how the circus was important for Nikolai and it might help with his mental development — guess your excuses worked.

So for a few days, you made your research on where would be the nearest circus show. Fortunately, there was one funfair that was organising a circus show and the journey to go there took almost two hours. But that'd be fine since you wouldn't be the one driving.

Regardless, he needed a lot of supervision. Three guards would follow along and drive you two to the circus show. You were also provided with a taser in case he tried to do anything nasty and an electronic tag that will be worn by Nikolai.

“It's heavy,” he murmured as you put the electronic tag around his ankle. You two were now in his ward and a guard was waiting as he was also one of the guards following you to the circus. Instead of your usual attendant uniform, you were wearing casually — black pants with a sweater-like blouse and a brown coat. Nikolai was still dressed in his white patient suit.

“Is it? I can't loosen it because it's a precaution. If you're too uncomfortable to walk, then tell me.”

“It's uncomfy.” Nikolai pouted but before you could reply, a hoarse voice broke the conversation.

“Don't whine so much. You are still a dangerous person.” the guard said, sternly. But then his tone changed when he turned to you, speaking to you with respect. “Miss, the car is already waiting at the asylum gate,” he said.

“Oh! Well, then... Kolya, come. We can go now.” you took Nikolai's hand and he got up from his bed, walking out with you. But you were quick to let his hand go as you did not want to make the guard suspicious if you keep holding him. As you both left the ward, the guard closed the door to his ward and locked it with his master key.

“Come, follow me.”

Nikolai was forced to walk right beside the guard. You just followed behind closely. A good handful of the patients were not afraid of the guards and Nikolai was certainly one of them as he kept bothering and riddling with the guard.

“Argh... miss, is he always like this?” the guard groaned as Nikolai tried to blow a raspberry at him. He tried to avoid him and Nikolai only laughed seeing his disgusted face. “I'm gonna spit on you if you're doing this again.” he threatened.

“Oh? I can't say I hate that.” Nikolai grinned, slightly nudging the guard's foot.

“Stop it. Behave yourself.”

“You might not get this experience to befriend a patient after this, guardian!” Nikolai exclaimed, swinging his body left and right which caused the guard to tighten his grip on him.

“Uh... he's just happy to go to the circus, I think...” you replied, looking at the guard with an awkward smile. The guard looked at you, defeatedly and sighed.

The three of you were now outside but then, Nikolai stopped his track right before the door. You almost bumped onto his back, even. The guard looked at him weirdly but not saying anything as Nikolai turned to look at you.

“I'm cold.”

“Y-You're cold?” you asked, trying to get more information from his vague words.

“Yes.. I am cold. I'll be cold. You two are wearing thick clothing but I'm still in my patient suit. It's thin and I'm cold.” Nikolai almost stammered but you got what he wanted to say anyway.

“So, do you want a blanket or something? I could find one since we aren't very far from the laundry area,” you asked. His eyes peered at you as his lips made a small crook.

“I'm fine with anything. I'm just cold.” Nikolai replied.

“Miss, can we even take a blanket out? The laundry attendants are always quick to file a complaint.” the guard asked.

“I doubt they would even allow me to bring out a blanket,” you replied, rubbing your lips as you thought. Then you looked at Nikolai, “Nikolai, would a coat be fine for you? An overcoat, perhaps?”

“That’s more than perfect, love.”

“Oh, well. I think there might be some overcoats in the office or dormitory. It's not far from here, so can you bring Nikolai to the car first?” you asked the guard. He nodded and practically dragged Nikolai to the car. As they left, you turned around to go to your small quest — to get an overcoat for your cold patient.

A few moments later, you managed to borrow an overcoat from a male colleague. The coat was big enough and it seemed that it would fit Nikolai's figure. Satisfied enough, you immediately made your way to the car, seeing that Nikolai was already annoying the guards.

“Nikolai! Here's your overcoat,” you said as you approached them. Nikolai happily opened his arms and you unhesitatingly put on the overcoat from him. “Is it comfortable for you?”

Nikolai looked at you and then opened the coat a bit to see the inside. He let out a chortle. “Yes, very much. Thank you, dear.”

“You're welcome. Just say to me if you need anything. I am still in my role after all.” you replied. Nikolai sneered before he tapped the car, wanting to get in already. A guard opened the door to the backseat and urged the two of you to enter as the other two guards went to the front passenger and the driver seat.

The journey was long — the asylum was located in an isolated area after all. Nikolai was just silent most of the ride as he was scolded to shut up and you were left on your own to carry on conversations.

“It's been a while since you left the facility, eh?” one of the guards asked you.

“Yeah, it has been almost a year, I think...”

“A year?! How can you not be sick in the facility, miss?” the guard replied in surprise. You let out a timid laugh.

“I see no reason to leave. I mean, groceries are all provided and we can just ask the matron if we ran out of something,” you said. “Besides, I always have new patients after a certain period. There's no time for me to leave my duty,” you added.

“Damn, you're a hard-working girl, aren't ya? Your future boyfriend must be one lucky guy.” the other guard commented. Nikolai turned to you and you just shook your head — signalling to him to not comment anything. You did not make your marital status public after all. Only your fiancé was busy running his mouth.

“Don't you have a boyfriend, miss? You seemed like so, since you aren't afraid sitting in a car with four men. Haha!” one of the guards joked and you bit your inside cheek, finding his joke distasteful. You frowned a little, unpleased.

“Don't say that, bald ass,” Nikolai spoke out.

“What did you call me?”

“Bald ass!”

“Nikolai—! Let's not fight, okay? Behave yourself.” you immediately held him and Nikolai only clicked his tongue before he slipped his hand out of his coat and leaned back with a dissatisfied huff.

“Yeah, listen to her, criminal.” the guard snickered. Nikolai glared at him and then at you. You only tapped his shoulder, mouthing 'No, please.' to him. His eyes trailed down and he only pursed his lips.

The ride was silent — awkward. And that awkwardness finally ended when you finally arrived at the funfair. The funfair was rained with colourful lights and people. There was a big sign of a circus troop that would be performing for the night too. Kids and adults all around, jovial and blithesome.

Nikolai shifted in his seat as he looked out the window in delight. He even undid his seatbelt first, eager to step into the funfair.

“Wait, Nikolai! Don't just barge out of the car, okay? You'll have all the time you want after this.” you gripped his arm, stopping him from doing anything reckless.

“Miss, we are all gonna wait here. You have the thing, yeah?”

The taser. You nodded after subtly feeling the pocket in your brown coat. With some more affirmation from the guards, you and Nikolai finally left the car. He was clearly excited as he immediately dragged you to enter the funfair area.

“Come, come! The show is about to begin, right?” he asked as you two stepped further inside the funfair. Fun rides and stalls were all around and Nikolai was eyeing each of them — his gazes glistened with pure joy and impatience.

“Uh, well, the show will begin at 10 a.m. and we have like one hour more. What would you like to do, Kolya? I rarely go to this kind of place, so I'm not very well-versed.” you said and Nikolai beamed as he gripped your hand, linking your fingers together with him.

“Then, no worries! I can show you around! This is my place to show off, hahaha!”

Nikolai was true to his words — he really did know this kind of place very well. You two began at a nearby ball and bottle game booth where they prepared various prizes. But you were sure no one ever really won those since all the participants before you left with small cheap prizes. Not to mention the bottle looked heavy and the balls provided to throw onto them looked squeaky.

But,

“Got it! I knocked the gold bottle! Haha! Suck it!”

You and the operator were both shocked when Nikolai managed to knock the highest bottle on the bar. The bottle wiggled when the ball touched it and it then fall to the ground.

“W-Woah..! You are very strong, sir! You can choose any of these items to be your prize.” the operator said, showing a row of stuffed toys and expensive gadgets for his choices.

“That teddy bear looked nice!”

The operator looked baffled. He took the teddy bear — it was not large, just small and cute, with a basic 'I love you' written in red cursive. The teddy bear even held a bouquet of roses. But certainly, out of other stuffed toys and prizes, it looked decent at the very least.

“This? Oh... Okay..”

As soon as Nikolai got the teddy bear, he pushed it straight to your face, giggling. You only chuckled as you took the teddy bear. You looked up at him. “You're not gonna make this little guy your sleeping partner?”

“I'd have a better sleeping partner.”

Mismatched eyes leering on your face down to your figure. Then moved up again to admire your light fluster.

“F-Funny, huh,” you replied as you hugged the teddy bear. “Thank you.”

“All for you, dove,” Nikolai replied, smiling coyly before he dragged you to another booth.

“How'd you even win that game? It is clearly rigged,” you asked with his arm hooked with yours — almost like a couple — and Nikolai even pulled you closer to have you keep rubbing against him.

“I rigged the game too. Magic!” he tugged his coat proudly and you could only look at him confused by what he meant.

The two of you walked around the fair until it was twenty minutes left before the show. The audience for the circus show was already gathering and some of them were already inside the circus tent. You kept Nikolai closed as the two of you lined up with the rest to enter.

“There's a lot of people. Is it usually like this for a circus show?” you asked, making a conversation as Nikolai was eating his cotton candy. He hummed and nodded as he plucked a small amount of cotton candy before giving it to you.

“Guess it's a popular troop if there are this many people,” he replied before he slipped the candy into the small gap between your lips. Your eyes flashed up to him as he slowly retracted his fingers away from your mouth, taking the chance to rub your lip with his thumb.

“Which means, the performers are most likely professionals. What luck, no?” he added as he nonchalantly licked that very thumb. “Hm~ sweeter. Strawberry lip gloss today, dear?”

“S-Stop it...”

You looked away, pursing your lips to swallow embarrassment at his nonstop flirting.

Almost five minutes before the show, you and Nikolai were already seated in the tent. Your position was at the last row but the highest, allowing you to look at the performance better. Then, the lights went out one by one, leaving the middle light on to focus on the stage.

“I'm so excited...” Nikolai muttered. “Can I hold your hand?” he asked and you silently held his hand without saying anything. He made his usual happy noises as he gripped your hand tightly yet carefully.

The show began, at last, starting with an acrobatic act from a couple of performers. You started to enjoy the show as the acts were amazing and eye-catching.

A magician came to the stage, making a magic trick involving white doves. And you could see how Nikolai was leaning forward in interest. The magician first summoned a single dove from his hat and then he continued the act by putting the calm bird into an open glass container. The container then was covered with a thick black cloth.

“Oh my.”

As soon as the black cloth was removed, several doves flew out from the container. You cooed in amusement, seeing the birds fly highly around the tent, not daring to go down further to the audience. The magician started to move to his next tricks, leaving his doves resting on the tent's bars.

But you sensed something weird.

For someone that claimed to love birds so much, Nikolai certainly was quiet.

So you turned to him, only to see that he was staring at one dove that was resting right by a small transparent section on the tent, looking outside. Even with the entrance door wide open, none of the doves flew out.

You wondered what he would be thinking. You wanted to ask but he seemed to be drowning in his mind.

So you let him be.

The show ended two and a half hours later. It took a while to leave the tent as there were probably hundreds of people, but you two managed to leave anyway. The funfair was still active, and people were still in their own world, merrymaking. Lights were still on, rides were still moving.

“That was great, dove! I'm happy that you picked a good circus show! Yippee!” Nikolai playfully raised both your hands to force you to make a 'Hooray!' pose and you just laughed. He even raised the teddy bear that you had been carrying since the beginning like his own son.

“I'm glad you like it, Kolya. It's worth the trouble,” you replied, eyes gleaming as you also felt glad that Nikolai was enjoying the show.

But then, you felt a buzz in your pocket. You slipped your hand into it, taking out your phone. One of the guards was now calling you. You glanced at Nikolai and raised your palm to pause him.

“What? Your fiancé called?”

“No, the guard.”

You answered the call, putting the phone right by your ear. Nikolai's eyes squinted in curiosity and knowing you have to be in a good manner to your colleague, Nikolai lunged himself to your back, hugging you tightly as he rested his head on your shoulder, attempting to listen to the conversation.

“Oh— Agh— Hello?” you squealed at his action but quickly maintained your professionalism with the person on the other side.

“Miss, the show has ended, yes?”

“Yes, yes! We just left the tent. We will come out the fair—” your words were interrupted when Nikolai pulled your phone away from your ear. He shook his head, not wanting to go back yet. You looked at him, rethinking.

“You wanna do something else here, Kolya?” you asked, slightly rotating your body to look at him better. Nikolai seemed taken aback and panicking subtly as his eyes shook from your eyes to your lips.

“Uhm... Uh, Ferris wheel.”

You understood quickly and nodded. “Okay... Okay, we'll ride that and then we go home. Is that okay with you?” you asked and Nikolai nodded before he turned you around to keep hugging you from behind. You only let him — you had grown used to his touchy behaviour after all.

You put the phone back on your ear. “We will get on one last ride. It won't take long, I think. Probably around thirty minutes.” you said. Gladly the guard only sighed and allowed you two to go on the ride. He also reminded you that they're waiting at the parking lot now.

“Yeah, thank you,” you said before ending the call. You tapped Nikolai's arm and he relaxed his hold on you to let you go. “We can ride the Ferris wheel, Kolya. Just one round, okay? Pretty sure it's expensive.”

“Yeah! Yeah, let's go!”

The line to the Ferris wheel was long indeed. Most of the people were couples and families. After fifteen minutes of waiting, you and Nikolai finally get to a cabin. It was a bit wobbly and you had to grip on Nikolai to have him help you to get in.

“Phew, that's scary.” you sat at the seat across from him. You placed the teddy bear right by your side as Nikolai scooted closer to the window, leaving the spot next to him empty.

Not for long.

“Dove. Come sit here.” he gently took your hand, urging you to sit beside him.

“Huh? Wouldn't the cabin be unbalanced?”

“No, it won't! You're funny, aren't you? It's fine, if you stumble, I'll catch you.” Nikolai said, voice soft as to reassure you. He seemed to notice that you disliked the wobbly feeling and he held your hand tightly to ensure you.

So you quickly steered to the spot right next to him, a bit stumbling. And Nikolai was quick to hold you by your waist, “I got you, love.” he chuckled.

“Are you scared of heights? Now now, how cute is that? My little birdie is afraid of heights.”

“I'm not scared. It's just this... this thing is wonky and shaky,” you replied, slightly pouting at his teasing. Nikolai laughed softly before he returned to look out the window as the cabin was starting to reach the top of the circle.

“Oh, would you look at that, dear? The troop from the circus is walking around the fair to greet people.” Nikolai pointed to a spot and you slid closer to him to look out the window too. “Oh! The magician is surrounded by his doves!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Oh yeah. He looked majestic indeed with that unique white magician suit,” you commented.

Nikolai cackled to himself before he turned his head to you — and you did so. It accidentally caused your face to be closer to him. And that panicky look returned to Nikolai again. His eyes were shaky and twitchy, roaming on your every feature carefully as if to savour your whole beauty — and no one could miss his lingering stare on your lips.

This is dangerous. In a way.

“S-Sorry...” you mumbled as you tried to move back but Nikolai quickly had his arm right on your back, preventing you to move away. His other hand fondled your face, thumb rubbing your lips as his eyes stared yearningly at them.

He closed the gap between your faces and you felt as if your mind was starting to cloud with thoughts. You thought of many things and it was hard to process everything. Familiar heaviness returned, creeping its way around your ribs to cage your heart.

“Just a taste won't hurt.”

— he whispered before he placed a gentle and mellow kiss on the very corner of your lips. It lasted for several seconds and you felt dizzy at the serenity of it. Soft, peaceful, nice — it felt like new to you. And your rebellious head would just keep coming back to your early memories where you felt this kind of affection.

You missed it — the taste of that intimacy.

Just a taste won't hurt.

Tilting your head slightly, your lips barely brushed Nikolai's. Your noses touched against each other and you could feel twitching on his fingers. You could even listen to his slow yet heavy breathing. Your hand straggled up his body, stopping right where his heart should be — loud and fast.

Just a taste won't hurt, he says.

You shifted forward and with seconds passing, your lips finally connected with his. The hold on your face became tighter as Nikolai's fingers reached the back of your head, pulling you closer as he started to savour you — desperately.

He suckled on your lips, slightly nibbling on the tip of your tongue as his hands started to roam your body. The kiss broke for a bit before he continued to latch his lips on yours, swallowing your little mewl. The closer you leaned to him, the more desperate he became as he trailed his kisses to your jaw down to your neck.

“Hm...!” you moaned softly as he nibbled your skin. You felt stings on that spot and lightly pushed him to break away. Nikolai parted from you, his eyes glimmered at the dark mark on your neck.

“Now, that's pretty.”

You took deep breaths, trying to gain your thoughts and conscience. You just kissed your patient, whom you're supposed to take care of professionally. You were still engaged and your fiancé was probably waiting in your dormitory right at this hour. Isn't this technically cheating?

“Oh God... Oh God, Oh God..!” you started to freak out.

Possibilities and assumptions flooding your head. You broke regulations and your kiss with Nikolai might get you in legal trouble. Of course, you could escape your fiancé for a while but that doesn't mean he wouldn't feed lies about you — Circus show with Nikolai? Is this truly a work or an excuse for a date? Why does your own patient often touch you intimately? Why do you keep breaching the rules with him? Are you in a relationship with this criminal? Are you assisting in his escape? Did you abandon your engaged partner to spend more time during the night with your patient? What if they fire you and put Nikolai in harsher punishment? Forget about all of that, what if your fiancé bruised you again out of suspicion? Perhaps out of his own ideas and assumptions? What if he creates lies about Nikolai to have him transferred or worse, executed? What if he saw this mark and forced you to have sex with him to rebuild intimacy? Is this too far? Aren't you out of reach now?

“You're smitten by me, aren't you, dove?”

You glanced at Nikolai in fear. He was smiling yet it was solemn. His index finger touched your lips, teasing them.

“You're smitten by me and you did not realize it until now. You initiated the kiss. But that's fine, I'm not mad. I always love you, even your flaws.” he murmured. You shook your head and just then you felt a warm wetness stream down your cheek.

“Why're you crying, darling?” his large hand cupped your face, rubbing the tears off. “My dove, my poor dove... You're such a strong girl, aren't you? Battling with your own head by yourself — but it's fine. I understand you. I see you.” he whispered to you softly, voice sultry enough to comfort your conflict even a little.

“T-This is weird... This is wrong... I feel bad... I feel like something bad is going to happen to me...”

Nikolai chuckled before he pecked your lips, short and delicate, enough to halt the brawl in your head. The peck was so casual as if there was already something deeper between the two of you.

“It's fine. It's fine, my love. I promise everything will be fine. No one will know. No one will hurt you anymore.”

“There they are.”

One of the guards immediately woke his sleepy friends. They quickly got into their role. One of them started the car engine. The guard that sat in the backseat left the car to get your attention.

You and Nikolai approached the car. Your face was covered with clear exhaustion and gloominess — totally a damsel in distress. Meanwhile, Nikolai looked cheerful and bright. He also looked satisfied as if he just accomplished something.

“Welcome back, miss. Ready to go?” the guard asked.

“Huh? Yeah...” you replied, voice distracted. At this point, you just wanted to submerge your head underwater and never wake up. But that would be absurd.

“We had fun, police!” Nikolai said. The guard tsk'd and opened the car door.

“I'm not a police.” he sighed. “Quick. Come in and let's bring you back to where you belong, eh?” he said sarcastically to Nikolai. He clutched Nikolai's arm roughly to force him to enter the car.

“Okay, okay! Jeez! I have legs!” Nikolai whined. Then he turned to you. “Dear, you good? You don't leave anything, yeah?” he asked. You nodded as you thoughtlessly felt your pocket. Your face then washed with panic as you realized you did not have your phone.

“Miss?”

“Crap... I think I left my phone at the ride.” you groaned, frustrated at the things that happened today.

“Oh, you know where it is?”

“Yeah, most likely in the Ferris wheel. I'll just go grab it quickly,” you said as you gave Nikolai the teddy bear. “Nikolai... Stay here with the others. I won't be long.” you added, sensing Nikolai wanted to follow you. His hopeful smile drooped into a pout as he entered the car.

You left the parking lot and entered the funfair again. You jogged to the Ferris wheel section and directly went to the operator. You asked about your lost phone and thankfully he had it kept in his station. You retrieved your phone and checked if there were any important messages. Gladly there weren't except a few missed calls from your fiancé. You decided to ignore it for now and kept the phone in your pocket. Making sure the item was really in your coat, you headed to the exit.

The parking lot was dark since it was in a field that was in front of the funfair. As you recalled, the car was parked at the back where it was even darker. You weren't afraid that much — you did have your taser after all.

But what awaited you was even dreadful.

Three bodies were laying on the ground, right beside the car. All of them were wearing the asylum guard uniform. Your breath hitched as you stepped back. You were not sure if you wanted to check the bodies. But the blood pooling under their head certainly told you that they're most likely dead. There were even splatters of blood painting the car windows.

“P-Police..! I should call—”

You could not find your phone.

You were sure you had it. You made a double check but your phone was nowhere to be found. Even your taser was not in your pocket anymore.

“What the hell...!”

“Shush, you might attract people, doll.”

A strong arm rested around your shoulder as a familiar man slopped right beside you. You glanced at him in fear as you noticed his hand was bloody and the other was holding a gun. Smudges of crimson were also present on his face.

“Nikolai..?”

“Shush, I say. Admire my presents for you.”

His bloody finger pressed against your lips and you swore you could smell fresh blood from it — it felt like the smell was engulfing your system as you started to feel dizzy at how strong it was. You pushed his arm off and stepped away from him.

Nikolai tilted his head. His upper half was smeared with blood. The overcoat was stained too. The electronic tag was nowhere around his ankle. He smiled before he wiped the blood off his hand.

“Sorry! Must've smelled uncommon for someone like you, yea?” he laughed. You looked at him warily as you slowly raised both your hands in the air, surrendering. There was no way you could fight or counter him, especially when he had a gun in hand. Especially since it just dawned on you that he had an ability.

But — didn't he tell people that his white cloak was necessary for his ability? Did he lie to the world?

“Y-You can run... I won't tell a soul. I won't attempt to stop you. Just... Just spare my life.” you stammered. Nikolai suddenly burst out a laugh as he strode towards you with wide steps. He kept chiming 'My darling, my darling,' several times as he walked around you in a circle with his gun against your body.

And he stopped when he was finally right in front of you.

“Sparing your life? And then what? Having you return to that boring asylum? Having you return to your... your fiancé — that fucking bastardized piece of garbage? No, no! I wouldn't dare to let my bird suffer! She shall suffer no more!” he spoke, theatrically.

“T-Then, what are you going to do with me..? Whatever happened between us is surely part of your escape plan, isn't it..?” you asked, feeling small and extremely vulnerable. Nikolai grinned before he wrapped his arm around your waist and held your hand as if you two were about to dance.

“No. No, everything I say to you is honest. I truly love you, from the very beginning I saw you. My nights are just spent thinking about you. I would think about our time spent on that day and what might happen tomorrow. You made me look forward to my life — and I love you for that.”

He leaned forward, nuzzling his face against your neck, tracing his lips to your cheek. And your breathing was staggering as you tried to wiggle your way, but it only made Nikolai press you deeper and closer into his warm embrace.

“I'm not done, love. Stay still.”

Though he was not scolding or raising his voice, you still heard that shadow of threat behind it. So you tried to stay still as Nikolai gave you kisses upon kisses on your warm face.

“I get so excited when it is almost your duty time. I get so happy when you smile at my magic. Your face, when you lost a game against me, was so cute, I almost wanted to crush you. When you touch me, goodness, when you touch me...! I couldn't control my heart. I feel like I could explode. And I look forward to each day passing to see if you could let me hold your hand while we are walking. I even touched myself with that very hand — you can't imagine how hard I'd get just with the thought of you sleeping right next to me, trusting me with your very heart. You don't know what you did to me, love. You made me feel things. You made me feel everything — and I think, maybe I could finally taste that same freedom I've craved for.”

You looked at Nikolai with teary eyes and a fearful gaze. He was blushing madly and his breathing was rigid. “Love, can I kiss you?” he asked softly.

“No. No, you can't,” you said, trying to assert a harder tone in your voice. Nikolai's dreamy eyes lost their spark as he looked at you perplexed.

“Huh? Why?”

“If... If you love me, Kolya... Let me go.”

“To where? You don't have anyone! You have nowhere! I am your someone now and we'll create our own home, right? No one will hurt you. No one will put ridiculous rules on you! Let's just be free together, love.” Nikolai begged, clasping your hands and you could hear the clacking sound of the gun dropping on the ground.

“No... No, I just... I admit I like what we had... Yes, you did make me forget my burden for a moment. Your touch was... perfect. Just too perfect. But, Nikolai... Nikolai, are you the right person for me to turn to? Am I the right person for you to indulge in..?”

Are you not just insane?

“Yes! Yes, we are right for each other! I know it! I can sense it..! Days after days we spent with each other just confirmed enough to me that you're the one I'm flying with.” Nikolai replied as he studied your eyes. He then sighed, loudly.

“My darlings are always hesitant, aren't they? But, that's fine because they are good afterwards. You are hesitant now but I'm sure you'll be just good after this.”

“What are you—”

Nikolai suddenly hugged you tightly and you felt a sharp pain right on your nape. You yelped and tried to scream for help but your face was buried deep in his toned chest, causing your voice to just sound like muffling noises.

Your head was getting dizzy, your heart was getting more scared and panicked. You clawed onto Nikolai's clothes, hoping for his humanity to sprout even for a second but he just held you tightly until you felt your limbs go limp.

Your world gradually wallowed in black and the only voice you could hear was the repetitive oath of his love.

I love you so much, dearest. I love you.

An unexplainable amount of time had passed.

You were in a nice apartment unit. Very expensive. If you tell yourself a few years ago that you would live in such luxury, you would be called a fraud. But here you were, covered nicely in a blanket with a cup of instant coffee on the table. Your eyes were fixed on the television, broadcasting news of a gruesome murder.

“The victim was found with multiple wounds and bruises on his face and body, suspected that it was caused by physical attacks. His hands and feet were cut off and were found in a tank of dried cement several metres away.”

“From reports and quick investigations, the victim was a male attendant worked in the Asylum of...”

You looked at the detail of the victim that was shown on the screen. His name, his age, his job — everything was compiled in your brain and was processed to one single person. Your fiancé.

He was murdered.

But you could not bring yourself to sympathise with it.

“My pretty birdie, good afternoon...”

You sat up from the couch and turned to Nikolai who just left the bedroom, shirtless and just with a pair of black shorts. His hair was messy as he just got up from his nap. He made his way to you and put his arms around your neck from behind.

“Good evening, Kolya. You slept well, hm?” you asked as you caressed his cheek and gave a soft kiss to him. He smiled before he returned one to you too.

“You're so cute.” he chuckled before his eyes flashed to the television. A familiar murder was shown and he let out a small laugh. He clasped your hand, lightly stroking your bandaged ring finger.

“So you've seen the news? Happy anniversary, love. May your nightmare is no more.”

You stared at him, studying his expression. Nikolai was still giving you the very same sweet smile, and hazy eyes, no matter how much time had passed. He was just always full of desire, always appreciating and alluring — pulling you further deeper into an inescapable tangle.

You smiled, raising yourself to give him a hug and he gladly embraced you back. His lips always took the chance to kiss you whenever and wherever he could. And you were fine with it — his touches were just like an intoxicating drug. Soothing enough for you to keep running to him.

My nightmare is no more, you thought.

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