On this episode of in my feelings...

Change of pace on this blog. Going to transform it into not only rants, but all my word vomit. Love, happiness, anger, sadness, anything goes here. Thank you for understanding💕

[rantsofacitymermaid]

They've broken my heart so many times there's no space for new cracks to form.

[racial]

might fuck around and drink the daily recommended amount of water

[racial]

i have to pee

[rantsofacitymermaid]

I really don't like to be ignored, it really makes me mad but I guess sometimes that's the way blocks fall.

[citysweetmermaid]

Skip this..

I'm laying on the floor, in a pool of my own blood, everything hurts. My vision is hazy, my glasses are cracked, I stare at the ceiling, trying to focus, trying to remember, but my brain won't put all the pieces together.

They called this love, they told me they did this because they loved me so much, right before calling me a piece of shit and sliding a chrome knife between my ribs. It's still there, my mangled hands reach out for it but a pain radiates through my body, I have to leave it. It shimmers, almost like it's teasing me.

I can still feel their hands around my neck, it's hard to breath, the blood soaked clothes feel cold against my skin. I tell myself to let go, there's no reason to fight... I want to drift into the unforgiving darkness, but I'm stuck suspended between my physical and spiritual presence. "just let go ALREADY" I scream to myself. My spirit refuses to detach herself from the physical being. "not yet" she tells me. I force myself to drift, to daydream of happier times, but before long I'm snapped back into this world. It's bright, not sure what hurts more, my mangled body or my eyes, when a face greets me. "you're okay, you're safe, you're gonna be okay".... But I can't help but think to myself: I will never truly be safe, will I?

[rantsofacitymermaid]

I feel so sad and hopeless right now, there's so much to do. I feel like a failure, I need help and don't have anyone to turn to, not sure on who to ask, I'm sure it I did ask I'd get a no.

I feel alone. Hopefully this feeling passes asap and just anxiety.

[extramadness]

[citysweetmermaid]

It still amazes me how you can fix your face to act/say/suggest that I was the one who stopped working on our relationship. I cannot wrap my head around it, I blamed myself for a long time but in all reality I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I stayed, even though your promises were empty. I stayed even when you were mean to me, I toughed it out even though it was unhealthy for me. But yet that wasn’t enough. You’re still there pointing the finger at me. I can take all the blame you want me to, no matter how untrue, but I have doubts that would even be enough.

I am not sure what else you even want from me? The last like three friends I have left? 

Honestly I wish the lies could stop, I don’t even know why you would still try to paint me as the bad guy, its over now. There’s no one to paint a picture for anymore..

[rantsofacitymermaid]

I am anxious aaaaffffffffffff

I planned a trip to WV to meet a friend and I wasn’t anxious in the beginning but now that its real I am anxious as hell.

What if I get stood up? What if I get hurt? What if he hates me? What if something bad happens? What if.. and I just want it to stop. I was fine, and all of a sudden my brain re wired itself, and made me shut down. Like please shut up, I am fine, you are stupid and broken. I feel like imma throw up, and I am hoping this soon passes. I hate watching myself spiral out of control, because logically I know I will be fine, and if I have to leave early I am close enough to do so but the anxiety is still running rabid. Brain please stop the nonsenseeeeeeeee. 

[rantsofacitymermaid]

But I'm kinda freaked out about where the ever living fuck my life is headed. The more time passes the more I'm sorta terrified I'm never gonna live the life I actually wanted for myself. I'm never gonna have a home with my family - my partners - my best friend - raising pets (maybe children) I'm never gonna have the family I wanted - the family I use to have. Everyone is so fucking stuck on carrying their own emotional baggage, not letting anyone help them that they ruin everything. They are so stuck in "well if this hurts" they're afraid to take the jump, to get help and rely on others. They stay stuck in a bubble and won't let anyone in and I feel like I'm the only one left taking the plunge. It didn't need to end like this if she just took my help to begin with, but she didn't and all she really did was stab me a few times and put the bloody knife back into her bag. Then I asked her to get professional help cause I'm so tired of trying to help and her saying she wanted it but she really didn't. I'm so fucking tired and don't know if my life is worth living. Facing facts if God forbid anything happened to mom I'd be completely alone - I am what keeps my family together right now, I have to push and shove everyone together because they need each other but nope. Now they just rely on me, meanwhile who the hell am I calling at 2 am when I need somebody? No one because I am that 2 am call, I am the person to call when you can't sleep. I dunno if this life is worth living, but I live it cause I can't stand to break the hearts of those that still need me. I am so scared of what's gonna happen next, my image of a family is falling apart and I'm loosing the pieces. I hate this all. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

Know what I miss?

Phone / video calls that turn into phone hangouts, talking on and off, words aren’t always said but humming and singing with one another happen spontaneously, listening to the other one get angry at video games, getting so sleepy but you don’t wanna get off the phone so you fall asleep there. Sometimes I tell you to go to bed and you pout and say no, but you fall asleep and I whisper goodnight to you and hang up.

For a moment in the universe no matter how far we actually are I feel close to you.

For a moment you don’t feel so alone.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

But let me ask you a question.

Did you miss me when you left?

Or

Was I just a distant memory?

Something fuzzy, something that's there but it can't be seen, can't be remembered clearly.. Did you ever wonder if I was still breathing? Still alive somewhere in this world? Did you hurt for me? Did you feel love I sent for you on your journeys? Did you feel my heart ache? Am I your home? Would you feel warm and fuzzy inside when you came back? If you came back... Not everyone comes back home. I left the door open for you, you came back for a while.. Did you shut the door? Was I ever home?

Maybe it's me who has the memories all wrong. Maybe it was me who was looking for home, maybe it was you that was my home. Maybe. Maybe it was all my fault.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

I'll be laying here sobbing if anyone needs me.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

Get woken up from my nap just to be screamed at and cursed out.

So when I'm inconsiderate I'm an asshole, when you're inconsiderate I'm still the asshole. Got it.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

Why ask me when the last time I ate was if you wasn't gonna do anything about me being hungry? To verify I was hungry? 🤬

On a different note, my friend was complaning to me he hasn't eaten all day but his wife ate and won't bring / give him anything for food? Bruh how? Ugh. And why are you messaging me? I'm not ya fucking girl, you ain't ain't want me, I am not responsable for you.

Cannot wait to move out, to cook in a kitchen that's not roach infested. Looking forward to having my own pets, and just being with my husband for a little while.

I'm over it.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

Hey heart is heavy with anger and sadness. I'm so tired of getting walked all over, it hurts. Why treat me like another bitch on the street? I put love and trust in you, and everytime I feel like we're doing a little better I'm taken down. I need a break from all the heartache, I need you to love me like you use to. Poly isn't easy, I never wanted it to be easy, but I feel like I'm drowning in the tears and insecurity while you watch over, you don't even offer your hand to help me up. You just watch to see how much I can endure.

Talk to you about my feelings? Can't cause when I do I'm the bad guy, so I'm forced to suffer in silence. I just want a good week, just one. I wanna always feel on cloud 9, I want to always see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

Getting ignored makes me so fucking mad inside.

[rantsofacitymermaid]

🤮 🤮

Just. Disgusting.