“Love grows, it doesn’t come right away, it comes slowly”
Summary: 4 months into marriage, but no progress.
Genre: arranged marriage AU!, Namjoon CEO AU!, angst
Warning: mention of sex, swearing
The first time I entered this house it seemed bare and cold, like it was not meant to be a home. Since that day I’ve tried in subtle ways to make it cosier or at least resemble a place I can become happy. The couch used to look uninviting, so I brought blankets and pillows. I did the same to the bay widow in the main bedroom, but I still couldn’t stand spending time in there. For the tables and shelfs I looked for accessories and flowers to give the rooms more colour and personality. I was still afraid to change any of the furniture or rearrange them. As much as I tried, the house never felt like a home to me.
Even after 4 months there was still no progress, it seems the man I live with wants to continue ignoring me. It’s not like I’m desperately wanting his attention, but the feeling of living with a stranger get old with time. A part of me want us to become friends, so we would at least like each other’s company. Neither one of us wanted this, and yet I feel him blaming me.
To Namjoon I am an inconvenience. I’m always in the way, I’m invading his space, I’m taking up his time and I’m most likely the last person on earth he wants to come home to. A little part of me wants to hate him for being so hostile, but I also understand him. Being married with someone you do not love fucking sucks.
The ceremony was nice, or so I’ve been told. To me is was all kind of a blur, I remember the rings, I remember dancing, I remember my sister crying, I remember feeling dizzy and I remember smiling for the cameras. At the end of the night it didn’t feel like my wedding at all. My mother in law made all the decisions regarding the ceremony and reception, but I didn’t even mind her doing so. Even though I spent plenty of time as a kid dreaming about my wedding day, in the end I didn’t care, because I was not marring the love of my life as I had dreamt about.
Sadly, I remember the wedding night very clearly. I’ve tried to push those memories away as they are nothing but awkward and uncomfortable. Saving myself for marriage seems like a stupid choice now. I’ve come to realise my expectations for sex were way off. It was fast, and weird, and sloppy, and we were tired, and I guess not into each other. He didn’t force himself on me, but he gave me the choice to wait. I wanted it over with, and he has not touched me since.
My farther does not hate me even if it can seem like it, but he believes he choose what’s the best life for me. He also got the pleasure of braking up my relationship with my old boyfriend who he hated. He and my mom had an arranged marriage, and it worked for them. The fact that his company would benefit from it was only a plus, according to him. With my old boyfriend the future was uncertain, but with Namjoon I’ve secured myself money and safety for the rest of my life.
My farther had talked and talked about how wonderful, kind and charming Namjoon was. They had worked together in the past and was in the same circle of elite business men. When Namjoon inherited his father company it was almost bankrupt, and he had managed to turn the hole company around, therefor my father had huge respect for him.
Everybody had only grate things to say about my husband, but I just find him intimidating. It makes me wish I’ve met him under other circumstances. If things were different and I had meet him at work or in high school, would he be different? Would we have liked each other? Maybe we could have fallen in love? I like to think we would at least get along.
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