Sometimes I feel like I am the third wheel in my own house and I have nobody but myself to blame partially. The curse of being too different from the rest, I suppose. Two always locked in the room and the other two almost always roaming together and not even bothering to lmk anything until I enquire about it. And somehow the other two almost always end up knowing it before me even though I am the latter pair's roommate.
I don't know man... sometimes I regret taking this flat with these people. Sometimes everything just builds up somewhere in me and it really needs an outlet that I can't confide in anyone irl because the matters are too complicated between the two pairs and I am stuck in the middle so bad that I need a break away from all of them. I can only stand being around the first pair when they come out but I can't stand my roommates.
I suppose everyone changes in a year. But never have I experienced this stark of a difference over the span of one year. The amount of hypocrisy and utter bafflement I faced with the lot of them is staggering. I don't know what to do at this point honestly because there is just two more months to go before we all leave this place but honestly, this one year has taught me a lot sharing a flat with people who are polar opposites in nature and nurture.
I think I can feel my mental defense wearing down one by one. They say I adjust a lot. They say that I am the most responsible of them all. And I am partially responsible for them all. I handle most of the finances until this month. I handle being the mediator. All 5 of us have huge language barrier and somehow I am the one who seems to know more of the language than most so I am stuck as the mediator. And I still have anxiety over asking people stuff.
I don't know what exactly was the breaking point that I am so incoherently letting my feelings go on Tumblr places after so long but... at this point, whatever friends group I have here, they are connected with either one of my roommates and it is not like I can vent it out to them when I don't have the assurance that it won't get back to them...
I just need a break, I guess. A place to sit down and cry. Fanfics used to be the way I organised my feelings and aired them out but not having much time to sit down and actually process my feelings like that these days. Art is also not helping so I am clueless without my usual go to for stress relief when all I can rely on is talking to any one of my 4 roommates, who I can't vent out everything to without sounding like someone who is complaining a lot or has too many grievances. I mean, I already vent out to them and the more it happens, the more I feel like I am being asked to choose one side invisibly. Choose the "right side" and I am stuck in the middle of a lot of debates that I am losing interest to do things I love around them any more...
Maybe that is the problem. I don't feel like this "home" is a safe space with all of them around to express myself as I am because I feel like I am too different from them. Too... disconnected?
Getting along with 2 out of 4 flatmates is a good thing if not for the fact that sometimes... even they feel a little distant as they are in their own bubble most of the time.
I am just tired at this point. So tired.
I should be used to the fact that I am that one friend who is always in some friend group but no matter how hard I try, I don't know where it all goes wrong but I somehow end up in the outliers of the group without realising it until it happens. Been happening since school. Don't know why I thought college will be any different. Wishful thinking, I guess.
If anyone else wants to know more about stuff, be my guest. The asks and messages are always open
