RaspberryBlasphemy

[raspberryblasphemy]

9/18/19 cont.

After some thought, I’ve decided to start a new blog. I most likely won’t be posting about addiction as it’s not an issue for me right now, and I’d like to invite certain friends to follow my blog whom I don’t necessarily want to expose that side of myself to. New blog will still be for personal journals and witchblr stuff. Feel free to follow me there: savageartorius

[raspberryblasphemy]

9/18/19

I had a bizarre and terrifying experience yesterday.

I went to work on the farm as usual, arrived around 7:30am. I’m going to refer to the couple who owns the farm as M and V. M was awake, V was not yet. We started out the morning milking the goats. It was my first day doing it by myself, so while I did that, M went to the lower garden and started the drip system. The lower garden has a system of valves that separates three sections of the gardens, and then a secondary system of valves that separates the different beds in each of those three gardens. M had completed the dripping of one bed and handed off the timer to me during the second bed.

I went down to the garden to change the drip to the third bed when the timer went off. First I opened the valve on the third bed. Then I went to turn off the valve on the bed that had just finished. I turned it off, checked the valve on the first bed just to make sure it was closed. It was. The first and second bed valves were both closed, the third bed valve was open.

I can’t remember what it was I did while I waited for the third bed to finish dripping, which in hindsight is worrying. I think I may have been harvesting in the lower garden.

Anyway, the timer went off, I opened the valve to the fourth bed and turned off the valve to the third bed. I went to the end of the third bed to make sure the drip had reached all the way to the end, as we are currently having both water and water pump problems. It hadn’t. I went to the beginning of the bed to check. No sign of any water having come through the drip system.

I figured I’d let the fourth bed finish on the timer and if water still wasn’t coming through I’d go tell M. The timer went off, I went to check the bed. No water. I went back to the first and second beds that M had dripped to see if those had been watered. They had. I was confused as to why the water would stop right when I took over, so I started to walk up to the house to get M.

As I walked past one the main valves (the ones that separate the garden into three sections) I stopped for a moment, considering to make sure the right one was open. I decided not to, M would not have turned it off in the middle of dripping a bed, and I certainly hadn’t turned it off.

M came down with me, he checked the beds I had tried to drip. Eventually he made his way over to the main valves. “Here’s your problem, you don’t have any valves open.”

All i could manage was a shocked, “what?!” I hadn’t touched the main valves. There was literally no reason for it to have been closed. He walked over to the section of the garden that we were currently working on, and checked the first and second beds that he had watered. “These are both open,”

No way. No fucking way. I actually got really anxious at this point. I closed one valve. I checked to make sure the other was closed. I remember doing this. This made no sense whatsoever. I didn’t even know what to say. I said “I must be losing my mind,” a few times. My feeling of dread rose the more I thought about it. “Are you sure you didn’t close that valve?” I asked M, referring to the main valve that had somehow gotten closed. He nodded. “Neither did I. I’m actually really creeped out about this.”

We went back up to the house. V was awake now, M had finished making breakfast. I told V what had happened that morning. Either I blacked out and did not one, but THREE very illogical things that I have no memory of doing ... or there are ghosts in the garden. I felt pretty validated that she believed me about the garden shenanigans. I was feeling pretty crazy.

The timer went off. I went down to change the drip to the next bed. Everything was working fine now. I felt eerie. Like I was being watched on my way down the hill. The path goes through some tall reeds that added to my anxiety. The quiet whispering noise they made as they swayed in the autumn-like wind made me feel like something was behind me, or in front of me, or all around me. I checked every drip as I walked past them; half expecting them to be turned off or turned on without my doing. I felt something watching me. Changed the drip, went back up to the house to finish breakfast.

Timer went off, went back down to change the drip again. Same experience. Anxiety. Dread. The feeling of not being alone. I changed the drip and hurried back to the house. The autumn-like weather that had just begun this week, while beautiful and welcome, only added to the creepy atmosphere.

After sitting at the the table for awhile and listening to M and V talking about something unrelated, V paused and said, “is anyone else feeling really creeped out about the garden ghosts?”

“YES. It’s been really freaky walking down there,” I told her.

“It sounds like Coyote is messing with us. Do you want to take a smudge stick down with you?”

I thought this was a great idea, the next time I went down I took the smudge stick with me. I put the shell with the sage down by the garden gate and went to change the drip to the next bed. While bending over to open to valve, something caught my eye. I looked up. Just outside the garden fence I saw something creeping along. It looked like a canine; a coyote.

“Oh fuck no,” I thought and kept watching. (I’m not afraid of coyotes, but after V’s comment it would have been too much.) It wasn’t a coyote, it was a bobcat. A really big bobcat. He was slinking away from the garden, up the hill away from the farm. I pulled out my phone and got a short (and shitty) Live Photo of him slinking away. He was the biggest bobcat I’ve ever seen, easily a good 40 lbs. I’ve never tried to post a Live Photo so I’m not sure it will be animated, but:

I know he had been in the willows, watching my every move all morning. I know that his gaze set off a primative instinct in me that caused that feeling of dread and of being watched. I felt a little better knowing who was watching me, but that still doesn’t explain the valves. I did some smoke cleansing with the sage. After work I hurried home to tell my mom about everything that had happened. I felt foggy headed the rest of the day. Almost in a daze.

Last night I decided to consult the cards for the first time in months. I felt inclined to use the small animal cards deck my mom had gifted my sister a long time ago that my sister had recently given to me, as I was feeling very inspired (albeit creeped out) by the bobcat.

I just wanted to do something quick. My first card was pulled in response to my inquiry of the valves. Possum. My second card was pulled in response to me asking about the bobcat. Lynx. I wish I was making this up. I almost shat myself. I was done for the night.

Apologies if my explaination of the valves was confusing or if I just sound like a crazy person. I consider myself a skeptic and I’m not easily convinced of things that can’t be proven by science, but this really shook me. It’s freaky either way you look at it: me blacking out and doing something weird, or something paranormal happening. And the bobcat watching me all morning? Why this day?

Anyway, I am feeling better today. No garden shenanigans.

[raspberryblasphemy]

9/14/19

I had an incredibly vivid dream about my grandma. One of the most vivid that I think I’ve ever had since she died back in 2001 when I was 14 years old. It felt very real. Very meaningful.

In the dream I was with my mom and I think my sister. We went into this little consignment shop, and came to learn that it was run by my grandma (we called her Abuela or Abuela-Mom). In the dream we knew she had been dead for some time, but for some reason we didn’t question her presence.

I remember walking around the shop and I stumbled across a Native American black buckskin dress and moccasins that I recognized as my own. These aren’t pieces of regalia that are actually from the real world — my only regalia is a jingle dress I wore as a child, and it is still safely tucked away in my closet. In the dream I had given this buckskin dress away during one of my dehoarding phases, and upon seeing it in my abuela’s consignment shop I felt a great deal of sadness and loss. She was selling it for $80. I remember talking to my mom about it briefly, and then going up to Abuela and asking her if she’d be willing to go down $10 and sell it for $70 (I don’t understand why? Lol) she smiled at me and hugged me. When we pulled apart she smiled at me again and said, “so you finally grew up, huh?” That was the end of the dream.

I’m crying thinking about it. It took me a while, but I think I did finally grow up. Things are really changing for me.

It was just ... really a touching experience, even if it was just a dream. Even if it was just my subconscious recognizing the growth in myself ... hearing that from her was so meaningful. I love and miss you so much Abuela. ❤️

[raspberryblasphemy]

9/8/19

Oof, do you ever have a feeling that someone is just waiting for you to fail at something just to feel better about themselves?

Like... don’t be the person that sits back and relies entirely on the outside world to make you feel okay for the wrong reasons. Get out there, push yourself, DO things. You won’t have time to be watching other people so intently, and their failures and successes will have nothing to do with your inner peace — save for the happiness you feel when someone close to you succeeds, or the sadness you feel when someone close to you fails. That’s the way it should be. Make your own happiness, man.

I have been really busy. I’ve made a pretty big decision recently, though. This winter I will be moving to another state. So, my boyfriend recently visited — I literally can’t remember if I’ve blogged about it — and it was great. He’s been planning to move out here for a while now, but after thinking about it, he realized it probably won’t be for a couple of years because we want to buy land and build our own house out here, which obviously is costly. He also wants to stick around for a while to help his brother grow his business. I started toying with the idea of moving over there. At first it didn’t even seem conceivable as I have so much going on over here right now, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. Eventually I reached the point where I was just like, “that’s it, I’m moving.” A day after making the decision I told my sister. The next day I told my mom. I’ve told my dad and stepmom. I’ve told my bosses. It’s happening! I’m excited. The plan is to move out there this winter, probably mid December as I have work commitments until around then. I am excited to experience a different climate! I want to have a garden, of course, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to grow certain things year round down there. I will enjoy winter in a place that does not get below freezing.

There’s a lot I’d like to write about, but once again I am sleepy and tired of typing on my phone. I miss having a laptop. I’ve been house sitting and working a lot so I haven’t spent much time at home.

I’ll try to write more tomorrow. I realize every time I say that it never ends up happening. Oops 😬. I’ll try harder!

[strangehats-deactivated20220504]

[infected]

Thomas Moran, Moonlit Shipwreck at Sea, 1901

[raspberryblasphemy]

8/28/19

I started off last week with the most painful stomach flu I’ve ever had. The cramping was insane. It started in my chest in what felt like a spell of acid reflux, and traveled down the entirety of my body in an incredibly painful cramp. Repeat every few minutes for a few days. I was doubled over from the pain, I couldn’t do anything. Had to take off work. The acid reflux sensation prior to every cramp was bizarre; for a while I was afraid I had developed a stomach ulcer or maybe even burst my appendix. I was ready to go to the ER if necessary, it was that bad. I was finally able to get someone to pick me up some Imodium from town and that solved the problem, thankfully; just in time for the boyfriend to arrive from across the country. I was only in a bit of pain the first day he had arrived (last Wednesday), but it was still bad enough I was afraid I was going to have to cancel our backpacking/camping trip on the weekend.

I felt 100% better the next day, though, and so the plan was still on for the weekend. It turned out interesting to say the least. It was a poorly planned, badly coordinated adventure that turned out a bit disastrous for some of us. So it was me, my boyfriend, my brother and sister, my sister’s boyfriend, a couple of local friends and their baby, and my best friend from high school visiting from Denver. We invited another local friend we’d gone to high school with but she was unable to make it. The main issue was that some of us had to work on Saturday before heading out, and so we were all essentially starting out the hike at different times. The last time I hiked that trail I was 19 and in much better shape, and it was still a challenge, so I was a bit worried going into it this time. I wasn’t prepared for just how challenging it was going to be, though. Oh, and the drive up to the trailhead was the scariest road I’ve ever driven on. Super narrow, huge drop on one side, people driving out as I was driving in and so I had to back up huge stretches of narrow mountain road to let them out. It was the most challenging thing I’ve had to do in a vehicle so far, so I’m pretty proud of myself for keeping my cool and not succumbing to the anxiety. Go, me!

Once we reached the trailhead It was about a six mile hike one way up to a glacial lake. Most of the hike is through a valley following the river, but the last couple of miles are an incline of about 3000 feet or so. The final destination is about 12,000 feet above sea level with the trailhead being at about 8000 feet above sea level. So it was me, my boyfriend, and my friend from high school and my boyfriend’s dog. My siblings were coming in after us. I should have waited for my brother, but I felt a bit rushed to get there because my two local friends and their baby had started out hours before us and weren’t planning on camping, and my high school friend was going to head back down the mountain with them the same day as he wasn’t planning to camp, either. I assumed we would run into them on their way down. I remembered the trail being a whole lot more straightforward than it was.

So the hike started out well enough. The boyfriend and I were carrying heavy packs with camping gear and food stuffs, but it was manageable enough at first. The trail quickly took a turn for the worse and we ended up bushwhacking most of the way. There were multiple stretches of landslides where trees had been knocked down by freak winds and flooding, and we had to climb through them which was challenging and exhausting with the packs on. Plus the dog was struggling quite a bit. We had to trudge trough a lot of mud and over rocks, and the trail would disappear sometimes and reappear later. At one point we walked right by a sign directing us to the lake, and ended up following the wrong trail to the end of the valley, still a couple thousand feet below our intended destination. We passed a lot of really old mining equipment, it was pretty awesome.

When we got to the end of the valley I still thought we might be going the right way as I recognized everything (albeit from thousands of feet down) and so we pushed on. I knew exactly where the lake was, but the final incline that would have eventually gotten us there proved to be too much for my boyfriend and I with our packs, and we were running out of daylight. We made the decision to turn around and hike back down to the bottom of the valley and camp. Because of our taking the wrong trail, we missed our rendezvous with my two local friends and so my high school friend was forced to camp with us, despite being completely unprepared to do so. He was wearing shorts and sandals, and had nothing warm to wear. It was getting really chilly, too, as the sun went down and we were surrounded by permanent mountain snow fields. I tend to run pretty hot, so I let him wear my hoodie. we mustered up enough energy to get to the bottom of the valley and set up camp. It was horrible. We were forced to walk through huge fields of large rocks that were slippery with condensation. It was insanely challenging and a full body work out. We got to the point where our energy was completely depleted, and set up camp in a less than ideal area. We were running low on water as we had planned on boiling some once we reached our destination (my brother was bringing a camping stove), but fortunately my high school friend had brought two extra bottles and let us have one. the night would have reaaaally sucked otherwise, more than it already did. We were in a hilly, grassy area, so I didn’t feel safe starting a fire had there been dried wood to do so, which there wasn’t.

The night started off okay. Boyfriend and I had a double sleeping bag so I was totally fine, and while he started off pretty cold he eventually warmed up too. We had brought two thermal blankets just in case, so my high school friend was able to use those. I let him use the sweatpants I had brought to sleep in, and fortunately I had brought multiple pairs of socks which we all needed after treading through water. Poor guy still froze, I felt so bad. The wind picked up later in the night and it got colder. It was really bad. There were multiple instances where I felt sure that the tent was going to collapse, but it held strong. I was pretty impressed and I’m glad my boyfriend bought a new tent for the occasion. Had it been an older one (like mine), I feel confident it would have gone down immediately. The ground underneath me was slanted and rocky and insanely uncomfortable, so I tossed and turned a lot and woke up pretty frequently. We all slept poorly. The wind was still going strong when morning came around. We packed up quickly and started our hike out of the valley, which was still pretty challenging. Took us forever to find the trail, had to walk through so much water and my boyfriend and I were insanely thirsty. He had brought purifying tablets but we were dumb and didn’t read the directions beforehand and didn’t realize you had to leave the tablets in the water for four hours before drinking it. So that was pretty useless. We eventually found the trail and had to trek back through the landslide areas over the fallen trees. The dog was a pro at this point, I was pretty impressed with him. We passed the sign where the trail forked and realized our mistake. Not long after, we ran into my two local friends who had come looking for us after being visited by my high school friend’s panicking dad the previous night. His family was freaking out after he hadn’t returned, understandably so. We finally made it back to the trailhead, and I left notes on my siblings cars letting them know I made it out and was heading home. I hoped they had come to the conclusion that we took the wrong trail and that we were fine, and hoped they would return to the trailhead and find the notes and not spend time looking for us. The drive down the mountain wasn’t as bad as going up, and I didn’t have to back up at all this time, thankfully. Made it home safely, and my brother arrived a few hours later. He told us that they had all figured that we took the wrong trail. My sister and her boyfriend came down later that night. Needless to say, i learned a ton and won’t make the same mistakes again.

I have a lot more to write about, but I’m on mobile and a bit burnt out and ready to sleep more. I’ll continue tomorrow with some farm adventures.

[scholasticbabe]

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done”

— Thomas Jefferson 

[psychofactz]

[plantanarchy]

it’s time 2 quit being sedentary. If you are physically able, go outside. Not in a “go outside you strange internet hermit way” but just a “go walk down the street and be present in your own neighborhood” type way. Just noticing the seasons changing and paying attention to people and houses and street signs and critters is very very good for mental health and shakes off that dissociation, depersonalization feeling.

[specialformytaste]

[raspberryblasphemy]

8/12/19 priorities of the day

1. Jar the dehydrated apricots✔

2. Finish at least six trays of sage sticks ✔

3. Game with the love tonight

4. 7000 steps ✔

4. Make a turnip dish ✔

5. Dehydrate some cherries ✔

6. Draw ✔

7. In bed by midnight ✔

[pictures-of-succulents]

[plain-flavoured-english]

Your purpose in life is not to love yourself but to love being yourself.

If you goal is to love yourself, then your focus is directed inward toward yourself, and you end up constantly watching yourself from the outside, disconnected, trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of.

If your goal is to love being yourself, then your focus is directed outward towards life, on living and making decisions based on what brings you pleasure and fulfillment.

Be the subject, not the object. It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself. You are experiencing life. Life is not experiencing you.

[glittergradient]

SO,

- jon being revealed as a targaryen? POINTLESS

- the night king being hyped up as the biggest threat for 8 seasons? POINTLESS

- cersei being the original mad queen and being hyped up as the biggest human threat? POINTLESS

- jaime’s character development and 8-year long redemption arc? POINTLESS

- bran becoming the three-eyed raven? POINTLESS

- jon being brought back from the dead for a higher purpose? POINTLESS

- arya leaving braavos and instead choosing her family and home? POINTLESS

- the starks going through hell for years and years waiting to be reunited? POINTLESS because they were reunited for like 5 minutes before being separated again

- daenerys overcoming all the terrible things that happened to her, bringing magic back to the world, going from nothing to becoming one of the most powerful people on earth, pledging to break the wheel, learning the moral difficulties of ruling, trying hard not to be like her father? POINTLESS

BUT HEY AT LEAST BRONN GOT HIS CASTLE SO IT’S ALL GOOD

[raspberryblasphemy]

8/10/19

Finally the weekend ... I have much cleaning to do.

But I also want to make some pickles and dehydrate some apricots and cherries, and there are so many sage sticks that need trimming.

I’m going to get started. I’ll try to make a longer update later tonight or tomorrow!

[kamiiramaria]

I used to be an adventurer like you.