KING RAT

♚ STAPLER ♚ professional street rat. part-time magician, pick-pocketing bastard, & proudly worthless.

[rattrashboy]

tbh all the new x-files hype makes me wanna bring back mulder oops

[rattrashboy]

MISCELLANEOUS SENTENCE STARTERS

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

“I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.”

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”

“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!”

“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.”

“You know what I like most about people? Pets.”

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?”

“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.”

“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.”

“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”

“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”

“If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.”

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”

“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”

“I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”

“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”

“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”

“Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

[rattrashboy]

when everybody changes urls on u while ur gone and u have no idea who anyone is anymore

[rattrashboy]

i need to update everything so much [stares into abyss]

[rattrashboy]

guess who did not die

[starbliind-archive-blog]

@rattrashboy / Starter Call

   “ Oh, god. You really need to take a bath,        you know that? You smell TERRIBLE. ”

[rattrashboy]

  "Sure that ain't your attitude you're smellin', lemon-face?             And for the record, I smell like a ROSE."

[rattrashboy]

carryabarricade​

    he gives a smack to the flashlight in his hand as the light falters,     and it lights back up like a torch once more. at the other’s statement     ( confession ), mutt begins to climb up the rafters.  ❝ good then. ya’    won’t mind th’rats.  ❞

       Mind the rats? Rats remind him of home.    ( if dingy and leaky asbestos-ridden buildings count )        Rats are family, and he’d always made sure to give them what        food he could spare, lest they nibble on him.   But spiders? He        can’t appease them with food offerings,  if they wanted his blood,        that was it—no arguing with them, they just sank their bloodthirsty        fangs into him with absolutely no consideration.

               “Rats are fine. Lots of different rats, y’know. Rattus rattus,         those are the gutter rats,” he explains, following Mutt lithely. The         rafters are a lot more stable than what he is used to — and Stapler         likes to climb, to perch, it makes him feel safer when he can see         everything below him. “Rattus norvegicus, those are the pet rats.         The cute ones. Loads more species,too,  like Rattus burrus, the         common name for that one is the nonsense rat. Dunno why, though.”

[goldleashtigers]

Ø ["what a dick, what a small asshole, what a fucking twerp..."]

“What a dick– what a small asshole, what a fucking twerp. I don’t know why I fucking care about this little shit so much. He’s a little shit! He smells like a dumpster and he guilts me into giving him whatever he wants. He smells like a dumpster! A fucking dumpster. I should drop kick him into the Pacific ocean to get rid of the trouble. I wonder if he’s eaten today. I probably have time to bring him food.”

[goldleashtigers]

Charlie huffed. “You won’t be inturrupting anything. She left because her friend called her with some totally fabricated emergency. Nothing more is going to happen. Please untie me.”

[rattrashboy]

Stapler covered his mouth, laughing. "She?! You let a girl tie you up?" he asked, doubling over. Man, not that he really had any evidence Charlie batted for the same time, but somehow it seemed almost better in Stapler's mind that it'd been a guy. He tried to stop laughing, not because he was afraid of offending Charlie, but because his ribs were starting to hurt. He climbed up onto the bed, tugging at the knots. "Do they teach knot-tying in Girl Scouts? She's pretty good."

[rattrashboy]

goldleashtigers: “You are a little shit. Be a little shit who unties me,” Charlie said. “I’ll make Jay cook for you if you untie me.” Like the situation wasn’t bad enough already– now some mangy little street kid was making fun of him.

"Naaah." It was a tempting offer, but really all he'd have to do is bat his eyelashes and shiver some, and Jay would take care of him. He was kind of a pushover. "You haven't even said please. Anyway, I wouldn't want to interrupt any kinky foreplay."

[goldleashtigers]

“What the fuck? Get off me, you little gremlin.” He pulled away from Stapler, disgust obvious on his face. “Put on a sweater.”

[rattrashboy]

"I'm not a gremlin, shit-face," Stapler scowled, putting his hands under his arms grumpily. "Oh sure, lemme just pull out my limitless wardrobe, right?" he scoffed, rolling his eyes. "It's your fault I have a cold, anyway. I blame you."

[rattrashboy]

@goldleashtigers

"I'm coooolllllddddd, Chaarrr-lay."

Cue Stapler sticking ice cube hands under Charlie's armpits. At least it’s not his feet this time.

[skiizzum-deactivated20160213]

@rattrashboy

               “ are you really a magician?                    cos I think you’re lying. ”

[rattrashboy]

          "I'm definitely a magician, thanks.                  Wanna see a trick, lil shit?"

[rattrashboy]

grxmpygills 

      “Hey, dude! Slow down for a sec!”

Total nonchalance, this boy. He stumbled off the rail he’d been perched on, waving his arms to catch his balance as he hurried after the man. He shoved his cold hands in the tattered jacket, beaming up at the man with his best grin.

      “Wanna give a starving orphan a Happy Meal? Easier than a kidney transplant, right? Thanks!”

[rattrashboy]

pssst how many of you suckers want a starter

[goldleashtigers]

“Were you robbed or is kinky foreplay gone wrong the reason you’re tied up?”

“Kinky foreplay gone wrong,” he grumbled. “are you going to untie me or what?” All he was wearing were boxers and it was getting cold.

[rattrashboy]

"Not yet, nope. I'm wrapping my mind around the situation." Kinky foreplay. Charlie. Charlie, who wouldn't even eat nachos because they were gross. Nachos and kinky sex were like, almost the same, really, on the pleasure scale. Probably. "Plus, I'm letting you stew in all the times you've called me a little shit, asshole."

[goldleashtigers]

"Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it!"

“Gross.”

[rattrashboy]