Welcome to my life.

I'm Rave. This is where I vent.

[raveinsatiable]

I'm tired of life and it's "trials." I'm tired of its' "test of strength." I'm losing strength. I can't keep doing this over and over again hoping that things will be different. I've been trying so hard over the years to get SOMEWHERE, and instead I am getting nowhere.

I'm stuck in a shitty apartment. I lost the love of my life. I had to step down from my position at work, and now I lost the only feeling of connection that I had. But, not only was it connection and my space, it was years of building/work. It was my source of income. It was how I found my business clients. It was a lifeline that I never even really knew as a life line. I don't even know where I belong. But maybe I don't really belong anywhere. Maybe I just am not supposed to be here.

[raveinsatiable]

I keep trying to tell myself you still care, but a lot of it really does make me feel like you don't. Was I really even that important to you?

[raveinsatiable]

This pain is unbearable. I was really hoping this time would be different. I was really hoping someone would stay, and find me worth it to stay and to put effort into. I was hoping you'd be different. You told me you were going to be different.

I'll forever remember that smile as you came out of your car and saw me approach. I'll forever remember the nervousness I had to tell you how I loved you underneath those stars, but how you beat me to it because you felt the exact same way. I'll remember the excitement we had when we talked about our future plans, and how our careers we wanted to pursue went so well together. I was always so happy to see you. Always so happy...I just needed a hug from you and everything seemed okay. You were the light at the end of my day. Now darkness is taking over.

I know I will never find someone quite like you.

[raveinsatiable]

I'm starting to think things will never go back to how they were. Even you told me you don't think you'll ever "come back." But that was who I fell in love with. That was the one who loved me hard and effortlessly. That was the one who constantly reassured me and complimented me and had no problems doing so. I'm not sure it is ever coming back and maybe that is why I mourned the loss of you already.

[paper-wounds]

[raveinsatiable]

I once again run into the problem where I'm realizing I'm just too different from most people. I don't think I'll ever really win.

[raveinsatiable]

You have to know what you're doing to me right now. You have to know what distress you are causing. Are you just living your best life right now? Is this a joke to you? are my feelings a joke to you? Is it fun that you now get to do whatever you want, like you had always wanted? Do you enjoy how angry and betrayed you make me feel? Now you can be the best fucked up version of yourself.

[raveinsatiable]

YOU were the one to give up.

YOU were the one to write bad stuff about me behind my back. YOU were the one who added people into your contacts with fake names to try and hide them from me. YOU were the one who talked about MY traumatic past to a complete female stranger. YOU were the one to continuously look up nude girls. YOU were the one who talked about wanting to flirt with other people. YOU were the one who lied to me about lots of things. YOU were the one who decided to buy drugs twice when you went back home.

[raveinsatiable]

Ending a relationship isn't just ending it with that person, it's also their families.

[raveinsatiable]

I barely can hold myself together anymore. I feel so broken. I don't even know who to talk too because everything i'm feeling is just so painful and I can't stop crying. I thought you and I were unstoppable. When I had met you, I thought you were my "prince charming." We had so much in common, and the way that you'd smile at me warmed my entire being. The first time I looked upon your face and seen that smile towards me, I was head over heels for you. I thought telling you everything that I needed would help prevent this from happening, but I'm still left here alone. Why am I so hard to love? You can't say I'm not. I feel like I don't belong on this planet. I don't love like everyone else. I mean, fuck, my "too caring" personality is apparently a problem. My niceness is a problem. How the fuck can that be a problem? Why cant someone just...stay? and love me? Why is that so hard? It's all I've ever wanted my entire life.

[raveinsatiable]

Part of me wants to cancel my birthday...

Part of me wants to give up on photography.

I'm just so shattered lately and it's so hard to pretend everything is okay.

[raveinsatiable]

I miss seeing these little mushies.

I'm ready for winter to be done.

[raveinsatiable]

Jealousy is a horrible trait. I hate it. But how can one turn it into something more constructive?

[beeple]

PSYCHOTROPIC LEARNING MODEL

[raveinsatiable]

Crushed

I honestly feel crushed with photography. It is taking everything in me to not give up.

I have no idea how to get further than where I am right now.

[raveinsatiable]

When we are young, we see things so differently. Even when I was home during those late nights of screaming and could hear the crying from my mother - I had still thought there was more out there besides what I saw every night. This couldn't be love, could it? This everyday sadness and the hope that things would just get better? It would work out for my mom, right? Some day they would get better, or she'd find someone else...until one day it's too late...and now you're 31 years old and you're starting to see that is not how life works. She's gone and didn't receive that love that you hoped existed for her. All of those romance books and false promises from past relationships...you start to realize that you've been living in a shell and dreaming for a dream that just didn't exist. Love isn't like that. It's not black and white.

[fhtagn-and-tentacles]

BLOOD SOAKED

by Anthony Chong Jones