i hurt myself by giving someone the thought i know they'd never care to return

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@rayliee
i hurt myself by giving someone the thought i know they'd never care to return
Let the ground digest my body, like the warmth of her cold heart digested me whole.
— mother listen ; 2024
what's in my bag you ask? my girlfriend, i carry her with me everywhere
when you caress me slowly , you touch my feelings, my nerves, my bones, my skin, my thoughts and all my deep long speculations on how i could never be loved .
i'd rather be dumb and free than knowing and trapped.
you love so much it makes you numb. now you feel only the words they say to you, and less of the warmth when they touch you.
if you see me change seasonly know it's because i didn't have anyone to reflect on as a kid that could stick with one thing at a time
asking how you are is like willingly pulling a knife deeper into my stomach. i know how it's gonna feel, i know what you're gonna say, yet i do it willingly because i fear there isn't gonna be another day of you.
Little adult wishes.
i wish to be oblivious like a child.
i wish to be mothered when i'm frightened, which is all the time.
i wish i could relate to others, when they ask questions to answer's that are obvious.
i wish i knew how to do stuff that is reckless and immature.
i wish i could argue with a parent in a way that doesn't cause consequences.
i wish i could remember how it was to be child.
after getting out of my home, it never felt like i grew up but i never felt like i was ever small.
i wish i could stay young forever, whatever that means.
to be small in a big world, getting taken care of because people cared. whatever that means.
Baptisia
lay with me till both our hearts evaporate from the warmth of our skin. i beg of you. consecrate me with a song using the vocals; only a nightingale can sing. deliver my frangible soul to your vast castle; and let me butcher the fears you apprise me; before the moonlight makes its final spark. and love me; till our ship strike its finally wreck; letting our cherished memories turn blank like white wild indigos.
sometimes i feel like my body works slower than the speed of city life . like i'm an old clock being renewed every experience i get, by every mistake i make. whereas everyone around me works like new technology, i see no mistakes, i only see new inventions.
no one gets how my imagination affects everything in my life. when i tell them i have millions of scenarios of what's gonna happen in the future yet i'm as blank as blinded.
how i know about all million of stars but never able to touch them, to never know how they feel.
You're so loud, and you talk so much .. , she says.
I want to be remembered, I responded. I do not wish the attention, never have.
Listen; My words are just my colors, I paused.
My stories, my experience, is my artwork.
You long for the love, you've never been taught to give.
I hope you find that someday.
Suddenly, I'm aware of a taboo. I've been taught that death is peaceful. Death is resting. So why do I hear people say rest in peace?; but frown when I tell them I'd like to do the same?
Am I not supposed to dream about rest, peace and quiet? I would like to die. I cannot wait to die. I cannot wait to rest in peace. To finally, rest with peace.
oh wow i didn't know anyone would like my poetry.
I tried so hard to become someone I thought you loved,
yet, again and again, you'd change your heart.
You're already promised to yourself, I figured.
with no room for anyone else but; You, and Yourself.