[rayliee]

i hurt myself by giving someone the thought i know they'd never care to return

[rayliee]

Let the ground digest my body, like the warmth of her cold heart digested me whole.

— mother listen ; 2024

[rayliee]

what's in my bag you ask? my girlfriend, i carry her with me everywhere

[rayliee]

when you caress me slowly , you touch my feelings, my nerves, my bones, my skin, my thoughts and all my deep long speculations on how i could never be loved .

[rayliee]

i'd rather be dumb and free than knowing and trapped.

[rayliee]

you love so much it makes you numb. now you feel only the words they say to you, and less of the warmth when they touch you.

[rayliee]

if you see me change seasonly know it's because i didn't have anyone to reflect on as a kid that could stick with one thing at a time

[rayliee]

asking how you are is like willingly pulling a knife deeper into my stomach. i know how it's gonna feel, i know what you're gonna say, yet i do it willingly because i fear there isn't gonna be another day of you.

[rayliee]

Little adult wishes.

i wish to be oblivious like a child.

i wish to be mothered when i'm frightened, which is all the time.

i wish i could relate to others, when they ask questions to answer's that are obvious.

i wish i knew how to do stuff that is reckless and immature.

i wish i could argue with a parent in a way that doesn't cause consequences.

i wish i could remember how it was to be child.

after getting out of my home, it never felt like i grew up but i never felt like i was ever small.

i wish i could stay young forever, whatever that means.

to be small in a big world, getting taken care of because people cared. whatever that means.

[rayliee]

Baptisia

lay with me till both our hearts evaporate from the warmth of our skin. i beg of you. consecrate me with a song using the vocals; only a nightingale can sing. deliver my frangible soul to your vast castle; and let me butcher the fears you apprise me; before the moonlight makes its final spark. and love me; till our ship strike its finally wreck; letting our cherished memories turn blank like white wild indigos.

[rayliee]

sometimes i feel like my body works slower than the speed of city life . like i'm an old clock being renewed every experience i get, by every mistake i make. whereas everyone around me works like new technology, i see no mistakes, i only see new inventions.

[rayliee]

no one gets how my imagination affects everything in my life. when i tell them i have millions of scenarios of what's gonna happen in the future yet i'm as blank as blinded.

how i know about all million of stars but never able to touch them, to never know how they feel.

[rayliee]

You're so loud, and you talk so much .. , she says.

I want to be remembered, I responded. I do not wish the attention, never have.

Listen; My words are just my colors, I paused.

My stories, my experience, is my artwork.

[rayliee]

You long for the love, you've never been taught to give.

I hope you find that someday.

[rayliee]

Suddenly, I'm aware of a taboo. I've been taught that death is peaceful. Death is resting. So why do I hear people say rest in peace?; but frown when I tell them I'd like to do the same?

Am I not supposed to dream about rest, peace and quiet? I would like to die. I cannot wait to die. I cannot wait to rest in peace. To finally, rest with peace.

[rayliee]

oh wow i didn't know anyone would like my poetry.

[rayliee]

I tried so hard to become someone I thought you loved,

yet, again and again, you'd change your heart.

You're already promised to yourself, I figured.

with no room for anyone else but; You, and Yourself.