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@raymondwalters-blog
raymondwalters:
Ray smiles shyly and places his hand on top of Josh’s, “They are.” He smiles.
“You feel different to when we first met.”
“The meds are helping. I feel less like 4 different people now. I’m not as hurt or confused.”
raymondwalters:
“I’m just scared that I don’t have all the time in the world. The outside world is different and terrifying. But…Dr. Winters, I know this is just your job, but I want to thank you for speaking to me, I know I make the other therapists uncomfortable.”
She gives him a small smile, “We need to work on you building the courage to face the world- it’s not as terrifying as you think. It is my job but I see potential in you.”
“It was the other doctors jobs too, but they never bothered. It feels like you actually care.” He begins picking at the bandage on his neck, peeling the edge of the medical tape.
raymondwalters:
“Not many other people are speaking to me at the moment. For good reason.”
“I bet the people that matter are.
Ray smiles shyly and places his hand on top of Josh’s, “They are.” He smiles.
raymondwalters:
“It’s the figuring out that’s so terrifying. I never had to think before, and now I’m my own person again, making decisions seems impossible. I don’t see much of a life past confinement. Either in that room or here.”
“You have all the time in the world, and, in a sense, we never stop having to figure out who we are. I’m here to help you through those tough decisions.”
“I’m just scared that I don’t have all the time in the world. The outside world is different and terrifying. But...Dr. Winters, I know this is just your job, but I want to thank you for speaking to me, I know I make the other therapists uncomfortable.”
raymondwalters:
“At least someone does.”
“I bet lots of people agree.”
“Not many other people are speaking to me at the moment. For good reason.”
raymondwalters:
He rubs his hand over his face, “I think I’m getting a bit more familiar with that side of me. I just worry that I won’t like who I am. My whole life was structured, even my emotions, and now, I can think for myself, I’m terrified.”
“We all go through a phase of figuring out who we are. For some it’s easier than others, but it’s not something you should worry about. You have time to figure out what life you want from here on out.”
“It’s the figuring out that’s so terrifying. I never had to think before, and now I’m my own person again, making decisions seems impossible. I don’t see much of a life past confinement. Either in that room or here.”
raymondwalters:
“I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just tired of being angry about everything.”
“I think you’re doing well”
“At least someone does.”
raymondwalters:
Ray stops and looks up at Dr Winters, eyes wide in shock, his breath catches before he exhales heavily, “I-I,” he breathes out heavily, “No. I’m not. I mustn’t be, if I’m willing to do anything for anyone who’ll give me attention,” he turns red and looks down, “Adam…he-he kissed me once and I was happy about it. Sometimes I think I’d let him do more than that, just to have him back.”
She stays silent as he talks, letting him say what’s on his mind. “I don’t mean to be harsh, Ray. And what you feel for Adam makes sense considering your situation, but we do need to focus on you. Who you are outside of wanting him back.”
He rubs his hand over his face, “I think I’m getting a bit more familiar with that side of me. I just worry that I won’t like who I am. My whole life was structured, even my emotions, and now, I can think for myself, I’m terrified.”
raymondwalters:
“You have by have to apologise to me. I was very confused and angry at the time but thinking about it - I just want you to be happy. That’s probably the difference between what it was like with Spencer. Or anyone really. I like you and want you to be what you want to be. Even if I’m not involved”
“You a a lot more mature than me”
“I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just tired of being angry about everything.”
raymondwalters:
“Thank you Josh. For speaking to me.”
“Thank you for understanding. Sorry you saw what you saw and sorry if it was confusing for you.”
“You have by have to apologise to me. I was very confused and angry at the time but thinking about it - I just want you to be happy. That’s probably the difference between what it was like with Spencer. Or anyone really. I like you and want you to be what you want to be. Even if I’m not involved”
raymondwalters:
“I guess so, I can’t change it now.”
“Exactly.”
“Thank you Josh. For speaking to me.”
raymondwalters:
Ray made a face, “No. I hadn’t, probably why it affected me so much. I regret it a lot now.”
“There isn’t any point in regretting it. I don’t regret my first time.”
“I guess so, I can’t change it now.”
raymondwalters:
“I felt bad about myself. He said things to me that made me feel less…bad. He said something that reminded me of Adam. I was lonely and vulnerable and I wanted someone to care,” he sighed, “I was willing to do anything for anyone to care.”
“Oh, never mind. Had you been with anybody else before?”
Ray made a face, “No. I hadn’t, probably why it affected me so much. I regret it a lot now.”
raymondwalters:
“I know that now,” he says with a sad smile, “Thank you Josh. I hope you feel less sad soon.”
“Why did you sleep with Spencer? What did he say to make you do it? You don’t seem like the type of person to just… do it”
“I felt bad about myself. He said things to me that made me feel less...bad. He said something that reminded me of Adam. I was lonely and vulnerable and I wanted someone to care,” he sighed, “I was willing to do anything for anyone to care.”
raymondwalters:
“Oh,” he flinched, “Um…I don’t think I hurt Spencer because of that. I think hurt him cause I was angry at myself and I wanted someone to hurt me, and Spencer kinda reminded me of Dad, but then I had a bit of an episode. But I’m on some new meds now and I’ve spoken with Spencer since, I’m not jealous anymore. Just sad.”
“You should never hurt people because you’re hurting.” josh gives a small shrug. “But I trust you. I’m glad you’re getting better and I’m sorry you’re sad too.”
“I know that now,” he says with a sad smile, “Thank you Josh. I hope you feel less sad soon.”
raymondwalters:
Ray perks up considerably, “Oh! Oh that’s good then! Is there anything else you, um, want to say?”
“People keep telling me you’re violent. They say you hurt Spencer because you found out he’s with Arthur and that I should be careful. You get jealous. Jack got jealous.”
“Oh,” he flinched, “Um...I don’t think I hurt Spencer because of that. I think hurt him cause I was angry at myself and I wanted someone to hurt me, and Spencer kinda reminded me of Dad, but then I had a bit of an episode. But I’m on some new meds now and I’ve spoken with Spencer since, I’m not jealous anymore. Just sad.”
raymondwalters:
Ray turns red and looks away, “Oh. Um, that’s fine then. I don’t think I am either really,” he looks like he’s about to cry for a second, “does this mean you don’t want to speak to me anymore?”
“Of course I want to speak to you.”
Ray perks up considerably, “Oh! Oh that’s good then! Is there anything else you, um, want to say?”
