A love letter to the contradictions of Sawamura Eijun
Caveat: there was no real point to this…I just wrote until my brain was quiet 😂
Second caveat: this is very much my projecting onto a character and very much influenced by how I write him
Although we don’t know what exactly Eijun’s family does, it’s pretty clear that this isn’t a baseball legacy family. Which means as the only son of a Japanese family, Eijun is likely experiencing a lot of unspoken societal pressure. To support his family moving forward, to continue the family business, etc. While it’s clear his family is extremely supportive of his dreams, he likely still shoulders a lot without addressing it. As the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, I resonate with some of those societal pressures. We never see any explicit details of stress associated with his family, but I cannot imagine that affording to send their high school kid to an out of province school would be cheap, so maintaining his baseball scholarship is paramount. We know he wants to fulfill his middle school team’s dreams, so its likely he’s also shouldering the belief that he needs to succeed to keep his family from being disappointed in him, or shattering their dreams. When I got into university, while my parents never outwardly said it, there was definitely a silent pressure of me succeeding where their dreams weren’t. Parents work hard for their kids to succeed after all.
Not to mention the fact that at the start of the story, Eijun is not a powerhouse baseball player. He’s passionate, but even he is aware of his shortcomings. So now he’s leaving everything he’s ever known on the off chance that maybe he’ll be good enough. Boy the stress…. On top of that, he’s the epicentre of a friend group and dragging them further into what is their hobby but his obsession and meaning in life. First he failed as a friend, captain, and ace to get them to the top and now, from his perspective, he’s “abandoned” them for loftier goals. He simply cannot disappoint his friends who supported him with everything they have.
Then when he gets to Seidou, he doesn’t find the unrelenting and constant support and camaraderie he had back home. He finds teammates who don’t wake him up after making him play video games all night, he finds a teammate who will rat him out, and a coach who can’t afford time for leniency or understanding. And it’s not to say that Eijun doesn’t make mistakes or that the team is being unfair/rude. But the social whiplash of friends who love and tease him, to people who don’t know him pulling pranks? Teachers who know Eijun since childhood and understand how the boy behaves, versus a coaching team who are dealing with 100+ teenagers? It’s not easy.
Now, Eijun makes friends easily - innately kind, friendly, passionate and outgoing. Not surprising he draws people in like a moth to light. And over time he gets better at baseball, at becoming a person the team can rely on. He practices, practices, and practices. Until the grooves of his fingers have imprints of the ball permanently present. Surely, he’s getting the respect of his team, the coaches? He’s not ace material yet, but he’ll get there definitely.
And then the game with Inashiro, the yips arc.
Back home, his friends and family love him because he’s been there forever. Even if Eijun had no baseball, his family and friends would never stop loving him. We might never see it, but I sincerely doubt that Eijun would have reached out to his family/friends for support in this time. I honestly don’t think he would find it helpful longterm. Because he has a different demon now - can’t pitch to the inside, which means he can’t really play baseball at the level he wants to. Which means he can’t support the team (bells ringing at abandoning a second team). I don’t blame the teenagers for not knowing what to say to Eijun or how to comfort him; these are children, Eijun doesn’t come to them for support or even act close to how their expecting, and they think space might be helping. But I can’t help but think that from Eijun’s perspective, that this is the final nail in the coffin. He wasn’t good at baseball before, but at least he’d started to become useful to them team. So maybe he can find his place here the way he was able to at home? But now he can’t even be useful, why would they love him? They only know him in the context of baseball. So it’s no surprise that Ochiai’s words sink into his head - how else can you be loved if you’re not useful?
I can’t even imagine the clusterfuck that goes through his mind when he finds out about Miyuki’s injury and how long the catcher hid it. To be clear, Miyuki owed Eijun nothing, and Miyuki is an idiot no matter what for hiding the injury. But again, from Eijun’s perspective, the anxiety of watching someone he respects and cares about hiding an injury and not at least telling him, his “partner”? Anxiety is a bitch.
There’s so many times in the story where Eijun could easily feel less than, feel unwanted, or having not “earned” the respect he’s fighting for. Seeing the focus on Furuya when Eijun needs to practice as well; getting subbed in so late when Furuya is floundering only for Eijun to do incredible? A less anxious person would likely be offended. I can’t help but imagine that Eijun actually feels a bit guilty - he wasn’t good enough fast enough to start the game, to show the coach that he was the better option; but also his friend was suffering and all he could focus on was pitching.
It’s obvious that when Eijun is uncomfortable or nervous, he gets formal and loud. He fights back when people tease him, and he’s deeply emotional. As someone very similar, it sounds like he hides his hurt and anxiety by becoming the centre of attention. By being loud and drawing the attention that way, it’s harder to see his nerves. No wonder it’s shocking when he’s finally quiet during the yips arc, or when he sits away from the team to try and analyze the game himself. He’s the team’s mood maker, but also he gets to hide himself a little whenever he’s loud which means when he’s quiet, that part of him gets to take a bit of a rest. It’s not to say that Eijun isn’t a loud person, but the loudness of a happy person and loudness of an anxious person are very different.
There’s a lot of bravery in feeling so much all the time, putting yourself out there to be harshly criticized and still striving for the thing you love.
