Heart broken. That's how I can say 2020 is ending for me. In all honesty, I am a broken person at this point. Drinking to much to cope with... Well, alot of previous trauma in my life. My family life when I was younger wasn't so great, nor was school for me, and as a 34 year old man, I wish it didn't effect me.
But it does.
Unfortunately, that causes me to find codependent women who wish to fix me, and that just breaks them down. That kind of toxic behavior, combined with heavy drinking is good for no one, and I need to get well before I can support a relationship. And leaving the recovery home only to come back... I need to focus on me and not some fantasy love life BEFORE I'm ready to engage in love again. You gotta love yourself before loving anyone else.
Luckily, I have a process and plan for the next year. Photography and Design have always been two passions of mine.
My canon RP is now my girlfriend. We spend alot of time shooting photos of the SF bay area in this pandemic time, and it's been healing in a way I can't describe. While my ex may have moved on (working on yourself, my ass!) I'm actually putting the work into myself, and the first thing I can say I'm proud of is my weight loss and muscle gain.
In 2018, I was 315 lbs. I nearly died in a shower, passing out after smoking a cigarette. And dispite my lapse, I still managed to work out and drop to 223. My goals are to drop that extra 23lbs, and get fit. Part of recovery is physical health, and I see no limit to what I can achieve healthwise. It's a long road for me, but I can either stay fat and unhappy, or man up and look my best. So I'll bite the bullet, keep running and lifting weights, and practicing my photography and web design so I can ACTUALLY have a decent life to call my own. It's been a failure of mine, getting distracted by love and not working on a career that I enjoy. Having a life worth living involves some responsibility, and competence is a huge part of self esteem. Plus, camera equipment is expensive. I need a job to afford not only the bay, but my hobbies and interests.
Another thing I've been doing is Moderation Managment. I barely fall into the category of people who can learn to moderate their drinking, so I'm choosing to abstance while I get back on my feet. I can't stand the old time, black and white thinking of Alcoholics Annoymimous. With medical advances like naltroxine and baclofin, plus trauma Threapy, hope for return to a normal drinking pattern exists. Hell, even in the big book it states a rare few can moderate with a few rules. And those nine steps of change can apply to so much more than drinking as well, like obsessive behavior and urges like sex. Jesus, the american healthcare system is so puritanical, it's no wonder we all are fat, sick, and dying. I hate overdrinking, and to know treating my underlying trauma and medication can help me, give me more hope than "you're an alcoholic." Fuck that.
Lay-led non-profit dedicated to reducing the harm caused by alcohol abuse. Self-managed guided help for alcohol moderation. Personal Respons
Today, I'm working on a short video for my YouTube channel, about the exposure triangle. It's not my best work, and editing on my phone makes things alot harder. But it make me happy, and that's all I care about now. Working to keep myself busy what my life is about at this point, and I have hope that not only will I overcome all this bullshit, but grow into an amazing person this year. It's in the tarot cards, after all.
Check my channel out for video on recovery and photography.
Photography and fitness from an Uber need with a camera Interested in my photography? Email me!
Bonus: here's one of my latest photos:
The garage gym I workout in.
