“The years cannot be erased”
I said in my voice that feels far away, in a voice that sounds almost optimistic, and mismatches my sad dead eyes.
The years cannot be erased.
The worst times and every time I begged for change that came just barely too late, every fight and bruises and all of the pain cannot be erased.
The days of blinding happiness, the touches that felt like home, the feeling of being able to be more genuine than I’ve ever been in my life, cannot be erased.
And mourning you, mourning us, is a lonely feeling. Lonely through shame, because after what I found out about you, I am not sure I ever really knew you. And everyone is so fast to erase all the good when a new piece of information taints the legacy.
It’s over, and there was many times that I think we both wished it was over, but now that it is the world feels hollow.
There’s regret that is misplaced, without the mistrust built over the years we may have never got here, I may have lived in ignorance for a while longer, I may not have this weight on my shoulders. It’s crazy to want to live a lie, it’s crazy to have preferred ignorance.
The track had straightened, the circle we had gone in for so long seemed to finally open up like the track was switched and there was a way forward, but it was just the end of the ride.
People will think I’m crazy for still hoping you will be okay, hoping you will start up the train again, after I’ve stepped off of it, and continue on whatever track you can make from here. I don’t know what a track is anymore, but I go through the motions.
I wish we had been better for eachother, I wish you had been a better man. I wish that the future wasn’t so terrifyingly empty, but here we are. All we can do is keep walking forward, but now it’s different. We are walking alone.
“You can’t erase the years” and I don’t think I’d want to. What is grief if not love preserving? I have grown in ways I wouldn’t have, I’ve learned and cried and broken and picked myself back up. I cannot regret the years that while they brought such immeasurable hurt, also brought incredible happiness and memories I wouldn’t trade. I thought I had no line, I thought I was such mush in your hand that I was just along for the ride, I found my line.
I keep a straight face and an unwavering voice but after we speak I get sick to my stomach, most would say it’s because of what you’ve done, but I think it is more of the absolute crushing weight of knowing that we are done. Knowing that we did not go the distance, knowing that things are different now.
Or maybe it makes me sick to think that all along, maybe I really just didn’t know anything at all.
amandla
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
2087
izzy806
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
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