and we drown

the poetry of re trout

[re-trout]

I still might kill myself one day I haven’t even thought about it in any serious way in years but the tears and the fears and the jeers from within my own mind still plague me all the time I stand in front of the bathroom mirror blue eyes looking into blue eyes but her smile quirks up on the wrong side and I tried and I tried but I just couldn’t find in those blue blue eyes bright against a rim of white any of the answers to my questions in the night And when I pull that reflection wide watch mirror-me slide to the side blue blue eyes find blue blue bottles less than a palm in size up to six a day, they advise but what’s the pain of a tooth or four when the truth is more than a soul can take? What did I do to deserve this ache? The popped off cap feels heavy in my hand but still I stand gazing long into this abyss and I don’t miss the way the blue blue bottle looks bright against the pills of white I am reminded of a pair of blue blue eyes looking up at me from below and how much I want to see him grow of bright skies and brighter snows I am reminded of Saturday nights and my father’s cheers and the tears and the fears and the jeers don’t go away but they are kept at bay Back into place, mirror-me swings blue blue eyes inside rings of red I am not dead But there they stay tucked away blue blue bottles that hold so much sway because I still might kill myself one day

Blue, re trout

[re-trout]

1. You haven't left your mark yet. You've got talent and intelligence and a good mind and you deserve the chance to live up to your potential. 2. There are people in this world that you love and who love you in return. But you can't live for other people. You have to live for you. Just don't forget that those people make your life worth living. 3. You have been fighting this battle for a long time and you've always come through the dark patches before. The good days may be numbered but so are the bad ones. It's always been worth it before and it always will be.

Reasons to Keep Living, re trout

[re-trout]

maybe i didn't fight you as hard as i should have when you put your hands on me and didn't take them off when i told you to i had fists and nails and knees but i didn't know how to use them i've never been a fighter but you introduced me to battle you made me a warrior you taught me how to hate and maybe i'll never get to make you hurt in all the ways i've imagined in my darkest daydreams in all the ways you deserve maybe i don't have blades or bullets but i do have words and one day you will regret the things you did to me

warrior, re trout

[re-trout]

One day I will have a daughter One day there will be a little bundle with big eyes and tiny toes One day there will be a small voice calling you Granny And on that day, Mother, when she comes into our lives and changes our world there is a conversation that you and I will need to have Because you will not treat her the way you have treated me You will not make her feel the way you've made me feel This is the day that I will sit you down and tell you that your insecurities are your insecurities And yours alone My little girl's Granny will never make her feel unbeautiful the way my Mother made me feel My daughter will know that no scale will ever be able to measure her worth And that the opinions of others do not dictate her value You will never say to her "every woman hates something about herself" the way you said to me And if she should have brothers you will not teach her subordination the way you tried to teach me You will never expect housework from her while her brothers play video games You will understand that being her grandmother does not give you any special right to her that she is not comfortable with You will never utter the word "slut" in her presence And, no matter what choices she makes, you will never call her unladylike The way you did with me You will teach her kindness You will teach her the value of helping another human being just for the sheer satisfaction You will teach her the importance of hard work You will tell her the story of the little girl who crossed an ocean. You will tell her the story of the family who gave up everything to build a new life And what a life they built You will teach her that sometimes you have to do the big, scary thing Sometimes you have to take the risk You will teach her to sing whether other people like the sound of her voice or not and you will teach her the words to all your favourite songs and they will become her favourite songs And you will teach her that home sounds like the people you love singing Christmas songs that aren't Christmas songs You will teach her to love Christmas in that silly way you do You will teach her to stand up for herself because she deserves respect You will always support her dreams, no matter how crazy You will love her And you will teach her the importance of family The way you did with me

A Letter to my Mother, re trout

[re-trout]

i love your writing (:

thank you! ^.^

[re-trout]

it’s the least poetic moment i know as a black car drives away from an elementary school leaving four kids scared and one boy broken but one broken boy fixable in time is better than one destroyed girl to never be the same so she gets out while she can before it’s too late

it’s the most poetic moment i know because it signals an ending a change in the tides and in the lives of a group of teens who can never go back to the way things were in high school or their last summer together which was also their first and will forever be their only

[re-trout]

this is a tale of 7/11’s and open roads of time spent apart learning who we are and time spent together being who we are

this is a tale of stolen kisses and long embraces of painting basements dungeons and dragons laughter and smiles and times worth remembering

this is our tale one that spans from the honeymoon capital to the canadian capital to just outside the tomato capital and back again

always back again

to our home of midnight drives where we get lost in the darkness and each other

this is a tale of growing up and growing apart

of learning where we belong that people change times change and sometimes that’s okay

of learning to change together

this is a tale of 7/11’s with perfect slurpees and clerks who know us by face

of unlit backroads that are just as much home as any house we’ll ever have

this is a tale of a little yellow car cramped with friendship and love where the only thing louder than the music is the laughter

this is the tale oh how i came to be who i am today of how they helped me get here and of how friends

became family

[re-trout]

1. four days short of eight months after your first kiss

it happens.

2. you’re watching tv with your mother when a commercial for condoms causes her to express her disgust for the fictional couple’s liberation.

you know she’s wrong. you tell her so.

she makes a backhanded comment about how you have no self respect because she doesn’t like your hickeys.

3. your roommate is ashamed of her virginity. she gives it to the first boy who asks.

you stay up with her all night.

you get mcdonalds at six in the morning to celebrate.

4. he loves you and you assume that’s the only reason he wants you.

and you’re okay with that.

5. sorry boys.

this is a one man show. and when someone tries to take that away from you you take yourself away from him.

6. you think you’re late to the party. you think other girls do this earlier.

you get to university and realize you’re wrong.

you like that you have advice for your less experienced friends.

7. your mother finds your birth control pills and tells you

‘you can always talk to me’.

8. boys at the club buy you drinks and ask you to dance.

you’re okay with that too.

9. you like it

a lot

and you don’t understand why people think you should be ashamed.

so you aren’t.

[re-trout]

Succubus Siren Slut

Something about her draws men to her Something more than just looks

She never wanted anyone to die for her Never wanted men to dash themselves on rocks Never wanted to know what it felt like to snap the neck of a man who wouldn’t hear ‘no’

They blame her Call her a monster Evil Sinful

But it’s not her fault they can’t keep their hands to themselves

[re-trout]

define: nothing - re trout

[re-trout]

i never wondered what it would be like to taste  someone’s smile

until i heard you  laugh 

[re-trout]

poets are liars

I can’t write you poetry I can’t give you waxing words about the emerald of your eyes or the eternity in your smile And lord knows I’ve tried again and again and again I can’t add iambs into pentameter And no thesaurus in the world could help me rhyme these words When you scatter my thoughts With just a look With just a laugh With just a touch And I realize now after all this time that it’s not because I’m a bad writer It’s not because I’m a bad lover It’s because poets are liars And anyone who can condense love into a couplet has never loved Not the way I love you With my heart and my head and the spaces between my fingers

[re-trout]

my mother doesn’t like tattoos she says art belongs on a wall

well i say no one not even my mother gets to tell me that i can’t be a masterpiece

[re-trout]

i don’t think about  stepping in front of cars  anymore but sometimes  i’m halfway across the street before i remember to look both ways

i don’t think about  swallowing pills  anymore but i still have the bottles in my medicine cabinet tucked away nice and safe

just in case