The Arsonist

I write. I make robots. Sometimes I write about making robots. Sometimes I don't.

[reachforglory]

“So, my strong and powerful one…learn to love and let go. Of it all.”

[reachforglory]

If my grandparents didn't get on one of the last trains to India, I might have been half Pakistani. Which would be completely okay, because even if they don't feel the same way, Punjab is a place in Pakistan just like it is where my family grew up. I'd still be Punjabi.

If my name didn't have the legacy it does, maybe I'd feel better about not living up to it. I'm supposed to love, fight, and be a warrior, and I've been able to do that at times, but I can't keep up. And almost never at the same time.

All I know to do is to reach for glory, or probably eventually, die trying. At least I'm good at that.

[reachforglory]

it's really cute when my father asks me if I know a certain word. Of course I do, and he is hyper intelligent, so being able to connect with him when he finds the word for something he wants to talk to me about is special, fantastic, purely human. He gets me like nobody else ever could.

[reachforglory]

sometimes, the kids are alright.

[reachforglory]

Take aswing, fuckstick.

Nah, I'd win.

[reachforglory]

in another life

in another life

I would sing and dance, like my mother showed me I could do

in another life

I would write, and share my thoughts with reckless abandon, like my father inspired me to do

in another life

I would still be me, happily, but maybe I'd love me a little bit more.

my name means heart and love, because that is what my father saw the moment he first laid eyes on me. that is the real story of how I was named.

perhaps it's time I actually realize that for myself

[reachforglory]

I doubt that folks look at this anymore. I never expected anyone to--the one who wrote a lot of the previous posts, it’s an angsty person being mad when things didn’t go their way. It doesn’t matter if anyone else sees this. I have always done this for myself.  Years later, reading all of it back...I look at the profile picture and see an image of a person who simply had no idea who they were. I wish I could hug him. I’m so much better. There’s still a ton of problems, but I can solve them. I’ve got the tools to work it out. I hit my goals. I won tournaments. Now, I’m confident I can aim higher and win it.  I’m not doing amazing, but I’m doing okay, and I have the confidence that I’ll fucking kill it everywhere I go. My team is to be feared, because I am on it. 

[reachforglory]

run it

[kushandwizdom]

[reachforglory]

“most anyone I know would’ve crumbled in your life, but no, someone decided to excel.”

an individual very dear to me told me that, and it meant the world.

[reachforglory]

yeh, this is a mildly cringey post, but yeah. I did this. 

[reachforglory]

Yet again, the odds stack against us. We've been here before. We'll get right on through again.

[reachforglory]

Let it be what we are

[reachforglory]

xx

You needed me, years ago.  You needed me when you were hurt, angry, in pain.  I wanted to be there for you. But I didn’t exist then. I do exist, now. I’m here, now.  I will hug you. I will love you. I will accept you. It’s late. I know. But I’m here now. I’m here now.  Even though you piss me off all the time, I love you. I love you.  I love you. 

[reachforglory]

Untitled - Losing feels worse than winning feels good.

I’ve got to talk about this concept.  Humanity naturally and inherently remembers first and foremost the times we fail. It’s easy. It’s convenient. When things go wrong, we focus on the most immediate, obvious reasons as to why that may be.  So I focus on the concept of loss and how much worse that is. Because when I acknowledge how hard that is, I can assign that much more importance to what it takes to achieve success, to the feeling of achieving my goals. 

[reachforglory]

Untitled

I can’t relate to you. I can’t exact your struggles, your pain, your journey. You have lived a life so incredibly difficult, and as you first held me in your arms, you resolved to never let me live the life you lived. I don’t remember that moment, but I know it was running through your mind. I carry that. 

I have no idea what fatherhood is like, but when I think of the concept, I think of you. Despite your flaws, despite our differences, I can’t help but notice our similarities. You show confidence in your strengths. When you’re on, you’re on, and I noticed it growing up. When I’m on, I’m on. I strut my stuff and blow away the competition when it matters. You, too. I could never have had that without the example you gave. You exude power, not because it is your privilege, but because you earned it. You came into a life that was against you, trying to kill you, literally. You made it, and while luck is always part of the conversation, the choices made are what make the difference. I carry that. 

I’m cocky because of you. I’m combative because of you. I fight and win because of you. When I am taken down, you are on my mind because I think of what you would do, how you would react, and I step back up and start swinging again. When I lose, I get the fuck back up and start working, because of the example you set for me. You have been there for the most significant moments of my life. When my team lost, you were there. When my team won, you were there. You know my history. You know my history of failure. Of being so close to success, and missing it on chance, or momentary inconsistency. But, you were there. You were there for it. My triumph, my success, my goal that I met. Unconditionally, unrequested, unasked for. You were there. You were there. I carry that. 

It’s because of you that I am who I am. Don’t get me wrong--you made mistakes, but I don’t resent you because of them. You’re a human being, too, and what you made of your mistakes is what is most important. You shared your lessons to me. You let me stand upon the shoulders of a giant whose size I can’t even fathom. I don’t have the lifetime to understand the weight you hold. When I fail, I look to share those mistakes to those who succeed me. To fail is to learn, and to learn is to become better. I couldn’t have become a person like that without you. I carry that. 

I carry your weight. I carry your honor. I carry your burdens, your history, your love, your life. I carry you, because I can’t breathe if I do anything else.

[reachforglory]

Untitled

Today is the end.  The end of hurting myself, the end of making excuses. I will live a better life from now on.  The most important step a person can take, is the next. And I’m taking that step.  These are my oaths. These are my choices. You will not have my pain. 

[reachforglory]

The champion’s mentality

It’s when you want it more than you fucking want to breath. 

[reachforglory]

I'm going all out, and it's fucking working. :)