“He hid it from me for four years. The whole time I believed he was in love with me. He was always saying: ‘I love you.’ Always: ‘I want to be with you.’ And he seemed to care so much. He’d always ask about what I read, and what I learned, and what I thought. We’d talk about our future together. I was so happy. The world seemed so beautiful. Until one night we were eating dinner, and his phone rang. He glanced at the screen then put it down quickly. Something felt strange, so I told him to answer it. But he refused. And that’s when I knew. I pressed him for days until he finally admitted everything. I went through all his emails. All the things he ever told me, he’d told her too. Word for word. Everything had been lies. They’d even travelled together when he claimed to be on business trips. My world was broken. I haven’t dated for years. So many of my previous understandings have lost their meaning. I no longer know what ‘loyalty’ is. Or ‘commitment.’ I can’t even use the word ‘love’ anymore. I used to say it all the time: ‘I love this,’ or ‘I love doing that.’ Now I just say that I ‘want’ to do something. Or I use the word ‘happy’ a lot. Like: ‘I’m happy to be with you.’ But never ‘love. Because I don’t know what that is anymore.”
(Hong Kong)
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2087
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