i do things, primarily with words

also pictures and plant-based foods and textiles and tarot cards 🌙 brooklyn->wisconsin->denver✈️ queer, in all ways 🌺 jewish ✡️🇵🇸✊

[reader-raye]

In a new plane of insomnia

[reader-raye]

Check in on your teacher friends.

I don't know about you all, but I'm burned the fuck out.

[abbf26]

the inherent horor of being trans is knowing you are the single touchstone a cis person will probably ever have

im reminded of when i went to sit my philosophy exam and had an ex-officer as an invidulator. he asked me if i was trans, something i had no obligation to answer. but if i didnt, i would be cagey. i would now paint an image of all trans people being rude in his mind, so i said yes

that invidulator asked me why, as a trans student, i should have my rights respected if there are so few of us

and instead of rightfully getting pissed off, i had to remember that i am currently representing a community of millions to a single man in a room with just the two of us in it. i could be the deciding factor on how he conducts behaviour with trans people in the future. what if he gets called to invidulate again in 20 years time and has another trans student? what if he remembers the one he met before, and instantly assumes he knows our community?

so i explained to him why i should have rights. and i used my words carefully, because if i slip up even once i have now put a trans person in danger, because he has made a choice based on me

trans people dont get to be angry. cis people always joke about how we demand a space, or we demand the right name, or we demand they bow down to us

think very carefully, did that trans woman demand that you use the right name, or did she correct you? did that trans man hold you at gunpoint, demanding you let him piss in public, or did he look like he wanted to use the disabled toilet to avoid bothering you all together. did the nonbinary trans person have you on your knees begging for forgiveness, or did they ask nicely for you to be mindful of their pronouns?

the transphobic narrative is one of victimhood, meanwhile if i even use the wrong tone cis people will act as a child does, and they will demand that the next trans person they meet apologise

every trans person you meet is aware of this too. we're all very tuned into the fact that we are ambassadors, and that we never asked to be that. i dont want to have to very carefully consider 'will a curt answer mean someome later dies', but every day of my life i do

and cis people need to know that. to be trans is to literally walk on constant eggshells of cis fragility. its why when we see a new trans celebrity we have to desperately hope they dont do stupid fucking shit like caitlyn jenner did. because now everyone thinks trans women are like her. because now negotiations for our right to exist unmolested have gone back another 20 years

and tbh, cis people are pathetically weak. a trans person asked you to use the right name? that did not happen in a vacuum. that trans person has met 50-60 cis people today who refused

and guess what? we get tired too

[reader-raye]

My response when someone (straight) said the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality was too confusing for them:

Turquoise, blue-green, and aquamarine are overlapping terms that describe largely interchangeable things, but the nuances between those things do exist (although there is ambiguity between individuals as to how they are defined). And yet, we accept their existence and embrace the subtle differences. Can you do the same for people's identities? You can find examples of the same thing happening all throughout English, because English is a gigantic, confusing medley of 5+ different morphological and phonological systems, and also because identity is fluid and complicated. I literally give no fucks about the distinctions between my identity and someone else's being "confusing" for you. It's not on our community/ies to simplify ourselves for anyone else.

[fuckindiva]

Short Films by George Méliès

Le Manoir du Diable (1896) (considered the first horror film in history) Une nuit terrible (1896) Le Chateau Hanté (1897) Le Diable Au Couvent (1899) Évocation Spirite (1899) Le diable géant ou Le miracle de la madonne (1901) Le chaudron infernal (1903) Le cake-walk infernal (1903) Le monstre (1903) Le diable noir (1905) Les quatre cents farces du diable (1906)

Other Short Films

The Sealed Room (1909) Frankenstein (1910) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1913) The Fall of the House of Usher (1928)

Famous Classic Horror Films 

Das Kabinett des Doktor Caligari (1920) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1920) Nosferatu (1922) Häxan (1922) Orlacs Hände (1924) The Phantom of the Opera (1925) Vampyr (1932) House on Haunted Hill (1959) Plan 9 from Outer Space (1956) The Bat (1959) The Last Man on Earth (1964) Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Other Films

10s-30s

Der Golem (1915) // Der Golem - Wie er in die Welt Kam (1920) // Genuine (1920) // Dr. Mabuse, der Spieler (1922) // The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) // Wolf Blood (1925) // The Cat and the Canary (1927) // Svengali (1931) // White Zombie (1932) // The Monster Walks (1933) // The Most Dangerous Game (1933) // Ghoul (1933) // The Vampire Bat (1933) // Maniac (1934) // The House of Mystery (1934) // The Beast of Borneo (1934) // The Ghost Walks (1934) // Phantom Ship (1935) // Revolt of the Zombies (1935) // Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1936) // The Man Who Changed His Mind (1936) // The Rogues’ Tavern (1936) // 夜半歌聲 (Ye Ban Ge Sheng) (1937) // The Riders of the Whistling Skull (1937) // The Devil’s Daughter (1939) // The Face at the Window (1939) // Torture Ship (1939)

40s-50s

The Mummy’s Hand (1940) // The Devil Bat (1940) // The Ape (1940) // Doomed to Die (1940) // King of the Zombies (1940) // Invisible Ghost (1940) // Spooks Run Wild (1941) // The Ghost Train (1941) // The Mad Monster (1942) // Bowery at Midnight (1942) // The Corpse Vanishes (1942) // The Living Ghost (1942) // The Ape Man (1943) // Dead Men Walk (1943) // The Ghost and the Guest (1943) // The Monster Maker (1944) // Voodoo Man (1944) // One Body Too Many (1944) // The Flying Serpent (1946) // Devil Monster (1946) // Mesa of Lost Women (1953) // The Snow Creature (1954) // The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues (1955) // Dementia (1955) // Indestructible Man (1956) // La maldición de la momia azteca (1957) // 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) // Frankenstein’s Daughter (1958) // La momia azteca contra el robot humano (1958) // Night of the Blood Beast (1958) // The Screaming Skull (1958) // I Bury the Living (1958) // The Devil’s Partner (1958) // Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959) // A Bucket of Blood (1959) // Beast from Haunted Cave (1959) // The Killer Shrews (1959) // The Wasp Woman (1959) // The Manster (1959) // Terror is a Man (1959)

60s - 70s

Teenage Zombies (1960) // Horror Hotel (1960) // The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) // Atom Age Vampire (1960) // Ein Toter hing im Netz (1960) // 13 Ghosts (1960) // Tormented (1960) // Last Woman on Earth (1960) // The Naked Witch (1961) // The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) // Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961) // Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory (1961) // Night Tide (1961) // The Devil’s Messenger (1961) // Bloodlust! (1961) // Eegah (1962) // Carnival Of Souls (1962) // The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (1962) // The Devil’s Hand (1961) // Hands of a Stranger (1962) // The Dungeon of Harrow (1962) // Trauma (1962) // El barón del terror (1962) // Ring of Terror (1962) // Terror of the Bloodhunters (1962) // The Terror (1963) // Dementia 13 (1963) // Monstrosity: The Atomic Brain (1963) // À Meia-Noite Levarei Sua Alma (1964) // Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964) // The Strangler (1964) // The Faceless Monster (1965) // Il boia scarlatto (1965) // Creature of the Walking Dead (1965) // The Beach Girls and the Monster (1965) // The Eye Creatures (1965) // The She Beast (1966) // Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966) // Manos - The Hands of Fate (1966) // Curse of the Swamp Creature (1966) // Night Fright (1967) // Creature of Destruction (1967) // Spider Baby or The Maddest Story Ever Told (1967) // In the Year 2889 (1967) // The Ghosts of Hanley House (1968) // It’s Alive! (1969) // How Awful About Allan (1970) // La figlia di Frankenstein (1971) // Blood Thirst (1971) // Snake People (1971) // Horror Express (1972) // Frankenstein ‘80 (1972)

Click here for more

Here’s a list with almost 200 public domain horror movies

[reader-raye]

My little hideaway from sophomore year, when I left college to go be depressed in an attic. That was a bad year, but this was a good place.

[reader-raye]

I was put in a horrible position this week.

I had an organizing client a while back. He has many mental health issues, as do I. When I first worked with him he was troubled, but generally okay. He could take care of himself, he could semi-function in the world. He was anxious and depressed and a little forgetful, but he was okay. Working with him was slightly draining for me, but I could handle it.

Then, he dropped off the face of the Earth for about a year.

When I heard from him again recently, he sounded like he was in a bad place. He desperately wanted me to come work for him again, but every time we scheduled an appointment he would cancel out of anxiety. This went on for a couple of months. Now, I'm about to move out of the state. I told him I would have limited time to work with him. He keeps calling me, draining me of spoons. He just needs someone to talk to, but I'm exhausted.

Yesterday, we decided to finally meet today. In that same phone call, he starts asking me if I'm religious. When I explain that yes, I'm Jewish, he suddenly got very defensive. He assured me that Christians and Jews are basically the same, that I should read the New Testament. I had never heard him say anything like this before. I explain that Jews have their own culture, that I love Judaism. He asked me--in that way that's not really asking--if I thought I was superior because I'm Jewish.

Then he "made a joke" about how Jews love their money.

It stung. Especially because he owes me $200, and I was undercharging him for my services out of sympathy. I had no choice but to suck up to him, to reassure him, and to go work for him the next day. And I fucking hated myself for it.

So today, I went to go work for him. And things were... Not Good. In the year and a half since I'd last worked for him, he'd gained something like 150 pounds. The bottom floor of the house was covered wall-to-wall in pizza boxes and trash. There were thousands of flies everywhere. And there were dozens of empty liquor and beer bottles everywhere.

He was nursing a bottle of whiskey when I walked in. He wouldn't leave his chair. I immediately got to work on the trash, bringing everything on the bottom floor of the house out to the curb. I helped him find a bunch of checks that were in the trash piles. I threw out the rotting food in the kitchen, fridge and living room. I collected the ancient piles of dishes and cleaned them. I vacuumed up as many flies as I could.

It seemed like he had been drinking all night. He couldn't keep a train of thought going for more than a minute. He needed constant reassurance, constant conversation. I understand. But he kept hitting on me. If I got close enough to his chair, he would grab my hand and rub it. At one point he kissed it. I put on my blank smile. I didn't want to do anything at all that would upset him while I was there. He made a kissy face at me as I walked out.

As I was wrapping up, he offered to order me McDonald's. I declined, saying I wasn't feeling well. He asked/demanded me to come back tomorrow. And I said yes. I have no intention of going back there tomorrow. But I didn't feel safe saying no.

I'll have to tell him that I'm not coming tomorrow. And he'll spiral. I know he will. And I feel awful for it. But I can't help him anymore. And I don't want to.

[reader-raye]

A spread I did for Rosh Hashanah. Also suitable for Yom Kippur.

[mama-khajit]

New blog is @reader-raye

[reader-raye]

This was my most popular post from my old Tumblr. It's worth remembering.

[reader-raye]

I'm not sure why I'm back on Tumblr.

The last time I was here, I was 21. I was deeply depressed, scrambling to finish college "on time." I was smoking massive amounts from morning till night, trying to soften the sharp edges of my brain into something I could live with. My small attempts at being creative mostly fizzled into failure. I was in love, and accomplishing things, and so, so, unhappy.

I'm 25 now. I left my borough, left my college town, and left every friend I had for a high-powered job in Wisconsin. I lasted at it 6 months. But I then found a job that was more fulfilling--and manageable. I needed something in my wheelhouse, working with words. I needed to be with kids again. They force me to be Up on dark days.

I feel my mind settling into itself. I'm a stronger, healthier person than all the prior versions of me. I'm working at being Better, every day. But I still have so far to go.

As I close the Wisconsin chapter of my life, I need an outlet. I need a place to affirm that I am still here, and that I have worth beyond what everyone sees when they look at me. I hope someone reads this blog, and that something in it speaks to a part of them that needs more--more creativity, more well-being, more connection. I hope I find what I'm looking for within myself out west.

And I guess that's why I'm back on Tumblr.