Journal entry 34, March 11th, 2019, continued
I wasnât sure how I acted was the best approach. Iâm still not definite it was a good way. But all I could think of was that Seokjin had entrusted me with the task of making sure Jimin wouldnât hurt himself.
At first I trusted Seokjin when he told me Jimin was suicidal.
But after I found out he told Namjoon that Yoongi was dead, I realized Seokjin had lied to us. A part of me only believed Seokjin lied to me about Jimin.
I didnât want to believe it. Even after I saw the signs, I denied them.
Jimin only got worse from that point on.
Whenever he saw Jungkook he would cry. It got to the point that for his own sake, they wouldnât let Jimin visit Jungkook anymore.
They told me Jungkook was still asleep and his condition showed no hints of waking up.
Jungkook never did wake up. We accepted that he is lost.
But we will never let him go. He still remains with us at heart.
Maybe someday he will join us. Or maybe somehow, he will join him.
Jimin rarely spoke. He also lied. He said he was fine.
And that Jungkook would wake up soon. And when Jungkook did, so would he.
To make matters short, I hadnât watched Jimin as much because we were focused on Yoongiâs recovery. But the episode I recall the most is an incident that if I had not intervened with, Jimin might have, later on, lost his life.
He went to go use the bathroom twenty minutes ago, as I went to go look for him in the hospital restroom. The door wasnât locked, so I walked in. Jimin was at the sink, running the water over his sleeve, trying to get a blood stain out. His sleeve was pulled over his hand.
When he noticed me standing there, he scrubbed it harder and faster, in a panic.
I didnât say anything, but walked up to him and rolled up his sleeve, which revealed a cut.
His eyes that day never looked more full of fear and lost.
He and I never told anyone about it. I debated if I should tell someone, that it might be better if I did, but Jimin promised he would never let it happen again.
I trusted his lies to be truth.
Jimin never did fully recover even after Yoongi woke up.
I caught him on multiple occasions with injuries.
Eventually he stopped eating. I wouldnât let him starve.
Thatâs where I drew the line.
Namjoon made him go to therapy.
We took him to different places until he found one with sessions he liked.
The technique wasnât to talk through his hardships. He disliked recalling them.
After every visit he seemed to be getting better.
Jimin is no longer is suicidal but the emotional damage never let him be normal.
Heâs almost like a blank slate. Heâs softer, lighter. Child-like, even.
Heâs never âhappyâ, heâs overjoyed. Heâs never âsadâ, heâs heartsick.
His eyes light up with wonder at the smallest things.
He is easily overcome with strong feelings, but he never raises his voice.
Heâs overcome himself. Heâs become innocent.
After Yoongi started walking is when Jimin was able to get better.
Whenever Yoongi acts like his old self, so does Jimin.
Jimin proudly smiles whenever Yoongi can complete a task on his own.
Sometimes I think Yoongi pretends just so Jimin will smile.
Heâs still the same person he was before, but a lot about him has changed.
He once told me he would rather have became lost.
That all of us should have.
That way we could all be with Jungkook, Taehyung and Seokjin.
He talks about what they might be doing at this very moment.
How he knows all three of them will be happy together in the realmâs eternity.
I never had the heart to tell him the truth.
We went to visit Jungkook today.
As we left, we each embraced him with a hug.
I know he is lost. I know he has found happiness where he is.
Yet the part of me that will never let go still felt the need to ask him, just once.
