Dexter: Remember the Monsters?; Or: For 45 Minutes It Was Great and Then It Wasn't
I decided that my foray into recapping Dexter should be...uh, the SERIES finale. So here you go.
I don't even like Dexter anymore, but I'm kind of consumed by finding out what happens. And seeing if Hannah finally decides to cut and dye her hair or if she's just going to keep wandering around looking like herself. She is super pretty so I guess I wouldn't want to mess that up either.
Is it terrible to say how glad I am that Dr. Vogel is dead? What a creep. Good riddance.
Hannah is just wandering around the Miami airport, looking like Hannah. Elway is also there. You'd think he'd be able to find her since she's the prettiest person at the airport. She's bound to stick out.
Dexter and Harrison finally arrive at the airport to meet up with her. They get to the gate, but can't find Hannah. She's hiding from Elway in the bathroom. I'M REALLY NERVOUS. HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET ON THIS PLANE TO ARGENTINA?
Dexter goes to the airport store and buys some stuff that he can make look like a bomb so he can say Elway planted it. YOU'RE VERY MASTERFUL AT THINGS, DEXTER. Then they clear the terminal so I guess he's not that masterful. I AM READY FOR THEM TO ESCAPE NOW. I'M REALLY STRESSED OUT.
Over at the horrible abandoned hospital, the rest of Miami Metro is investigating the Deb crime scene. When Deb's on the stretcher they tell her they're calling Dexter. she won't let them. Bitch is mad at her brother for some stuff.
In the ambulance ol' AIDS Sally (Quinn. Why does he look sick all the time?) rides with her and she tells him maybe she deserved this. Oh, shut up, Deb. Dexter's been doing good stuff all these years, Stupid. (IS DEB GOING TO DIE?)
[WHY AM I SO NERVOUS ABOUT THIS SHOW?]
Here's one last picture of Dexter in his unusually tight shirt. Can he even breathe?
Dexter tells Hannah to leave the country without him. He'll meet her there or something. WILL HE? (He better. I really like them together. Is that weird?)
Saxon is out roaming around, stealing cars from barrios and stuff. Dexter gets to the hospital. Everyone keeps telling Dexter that she's going to pull through.
Elway calls Marshall Clayton (Uh, spoiler alert: he's dead.) to let him know that airport is shut down and Hannah will be looking for another escape route. Then he calls the Marshall office and is told Clayton was killed.
Deb wakes up and babbles some stuff about hiking to Dexter. She tells him how Clayton fucked everything up with Saxon, but Dexter tells a real sob story about how he's screwed up Deb's life. She tells him not to feel guilty and she wants him to go be happy.
The doctor comes in and says she's optimistic about Deb's recovery. So that probably means she'll be dead soon. Deb keeps telling Dexter he needs to leave with Harrison and Hannah.
Then there's a flashback to when Harrison was born. Deb and Dexter look like babies. so does Harrison. But he is a baby so that makes sense.
Elway arrives at the hospital and threatens Dexter. "The storms coming," he says all tough like.
The hurricane is actually coming though. Of course it is.
Saxon goes to a vet to get the tech to stitch his wounds. I was really panicked that he was going to kill a dog. (I was totally OK with him killing the vet tech though.)
Dexter and Harrison meet Hannah in a motel to go over their plans. She has a new plan to bypass the hurricane. Dexter doesn't want to be apart from her for even a few days so they STILL HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS. COME ON.
Hannah, Dexter and Harrison arrive at the bus station. Hannah looks just like Hannah and totally sticks out, but NO ONE ON EARTH NOTICES. Dexter panics about leaving Saxon alive so he sends Hannah and Harrison to go without him. He tells Harrison he'll be there in a few days. THIS IS NOT GOING TO TURN OUT WELL. At least Harrison and Hannah will be happy together as mother and son. I'm really upset that they're never going to see each other again.
Saxon makes the vet tech drive him to Deb's hospital. Then he cuts his tongue out to distract all the emergency personnel at the hospital. Dexter walks in and realizes this is Saxon's work. They're both on their way to Deb. Angel gets there first and arrests Saxon. Once Dexter gets to the room he realizes Deb is gone. He finds Quinn who says there was a problem and she was rushed to the ICU. A clot caused a stroke and her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long. She's a vegetable. Who knew I'd be so sad about this? (I'm really upset.)
Another flashback to the day Harrison was born. Deb told Dexter about how he'd always taken care of her and made her feel safe. It's real emotional and stuff.
On the bus, Hannah tells Harrison all about Argentina. She's such a good mom. AND THEN THAT STUPID BASTARD ELWAY SHOWS UP. STUPID, STUPID ELWAY. WHY'D HE HAVE TO CATCH HER? (How can she kill him and get away?)
Dexter arrives at the police station to watch Saxon's interrogation. Angel promises to get him. DEXTER HAS TO KILL HIM. Maybe he and Quinn can work together on this one. I hate when one cop won't let the other cop beat the crap out of a criminal.
YES! HANNAH DRUGS ELWAY. THANK GOD. (So wait...should I be cheering for her? My moral compass is really spinning out of control here.)
Dexter goes in to see Saxon. He arrives with a bunch of injectable drugs. Then he says some nonsense about Deb being his (Dexter's) fault. Saxon grabs and pen Dexter was going to use to kill him and stabs him first. Luckily just in the arm so Dexter grabs the pen back and stabs him in the neck and kills him. THANK GOD, AGAIN! Nice work, Dexter.
Angel and Quinn are questioning Dexter as to why he was even there since he doesn't even work at Miami Metro anymore. Dexter says he was there to run some tests and was doing it because it was Deb. Quinn obviously knows something is up, but supports Dexter because that crazy bastard killed Deb. Thanks for finally being a good guy, Quinn.
Dexter goes home and then heads out on his ol' vessel, The Slice of Life. She's been a good boat. He boats to Deb's hospital. So you're telling me that every police station AND hospital in Miami is on waterfront property? That makes sense.
Dexter goes to Deb's bedside and does some crying and tells her how sorry he is and he knows he can't leave her like she is. So he turns off her machine and takes her tubes out. Spoiler alert [again]: she dies. He tells her he loves her and then wheels her to his vessel. WAIT, WHAT? NO ONE SEES HIM TAKING A CORPSE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL? For all that I loved about the episode I don't know how to take this turn. She's not one of his victims. He didn't murder her. There's no reason to drop her in the sea. He's in the eye of the storm when he calls Hannah. She and Harrison are boarding the flight to Argentina. He's totally never meeting them there. He tells Harrison one last time that he loves him, throws his phone and Deb overboard and he drives into the storm. He never wants to hurt Hannah the way he hurt everyone else.
After the storm has passed his destroyed vessel is found. No signs of life.
Until..dun dun..he's working as a logger in some random town.
Catfish: Alicia & Aaliyah; Or: The One That I Wish Was About Alicia Keys and Aaliyah (May She Rest in Peace)
If someone doesn't have a glass eye or live in a shed on this episode then it's dead to me. I'm also still really angry at the fatty on last week's episode. She was a liar and also so consumed by her fatness that she didn't even like to leave the house, but when she found out she was being catfished by another fatty (who, frankly, was much better looking that the creepy body builder whose pictures he used) she wanted nothing to do with him. I hate her. May she lose a foot to diabetes.
Moving on. The gentlemen are in New Jersey when they get Aaliyah's email that her internet girlfriend lives 70 blocks away, but they've never met. I assumed that she lived in New York since she measures things in blocks, but she lives in Oakland so she makes no sense. 70 blocks could be 300 miles for all I know. How far in kilometers is this, Aaliyah?
Aaliyah is 18 and has been "dating" Alicia for 10 months. Or 18 months. Some months. I wasn't paying attention because I was still trying to figure out the blocks thing. Anyway, they've been dating on Facebook. What's with meeting strangers on Facebook? I don't even accept friend requests from people I know most of the time, much less some weirdo stranger who sends me a creepy message.
Alicia works in an old folks home.
Now we have to learn the sad story about Aaliyah's life. I wish they'd skip this part of every episode. Fingers crossed that Aaliyah isn't ANOTHER fatty with self esteem issues. THESE PEOPLE ARE GETTING OLD ALREADY. There has to be someone with a pegleg who's been catfished and has written to Nev, right? I'll even take a tiny handed person. Anything other than a fatty who is ashamed of their fatty status and gets duped on the world wide web.
Aaliyah's mom has been evicted from her apartment, but that story seems to be neither here nor there. Maybe they'll bring it up again?
They video chat with Aaliyah. She seems nice. She's still in high school and she works for a non profit that helps people get food at more economical prizes.
Alicia looks like trouble in her pictures. DON'T YOU HURT AALIYAH, BITCH.
The guys head to Oakland. Oakland is a hole.
Aaliyah is living with her friend. She's been jumping around from place to place for the last 6 months. Her mom was diagnosed with MS. Great. Now I'm crying. Her mom also had to pay for Aaliyah's school and couldn't afford rent and the high school and she wanted Aaliyah to get a good education.
Apparently Aaliyah and Alicia had an argument once. Alicia wanted Aaliyah to buy her an iPhone, but she didn't want to. Alicia made her feel bad about it so Aaliyah bought it and some other junk. Alicia sucks and I hate her. AALIYAH, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TERRIBLE [AND ALSO FAKE].
Also, I'd be pissed if I were Aaliyah's mom. Homeless because she's using all of her money to send Aaliyah to school and her daughter is buying crap for some internet prostitute.
Nev and the Silver Fox set up shop and start the investigation. Alicia's Facebook says she likes dudes. But she's not out so that's not a total red flag. They reach out to some of her Facebook friends. Almost all of her friends on Facebook are flirting with her. (Her?)
One broad called them back and she says that Alicia dated her brother for a couple of years. But she's kind of sketchy so who knows if she's lying. Then a guy calls and says he dated her too. He's also sketchy. Is everyone lying? What's happening here?
The next morning they get a call from Alicia's sister. Turns out Alicia doesn't have a job. She's trying to find herself or some nonsense. She should totally go to the desert. That's where everyone finds themselves.
Oh, and she has a boyfriend that the sister has met a few times. Max tells her about Aaliyah. "I haven't ever seen any signs of 'gay'. No one in our family would approve of her being gay." the sister says. They sound nice.
They take Aaliyah to the coffeeshop to go over what they've found out about this crazy bitch, Alicia. Aaliyah keeps making excuses for Alicia. She's heartbroken when they tell her that Alicia's sister says that she's met the boyfriend. But Aaliyah still defends her.
I hope it turns out to be Alicia Keys.
Nev and Silver Fox head back to the hotel to call Alicia! (Alicia kind of looks like the black Khloe Kardashian. [Not a compliment.])
Alicia knows about the show. "What if I don't want to meet her?" she opens with. She's also nice.
Alicia is really angry about all of this. "There's something that I need to tell Aaliyah," she says. OHHHH, WHAT? WHAT? TELL ME NOW!
They go pick up Aaliyah to take her to meet Alicia. I'm so nervous I might throw up. Aaliyah is also really nervous. (Probably more than I am. It's unclear.)
Alicia's house looks like it has bodies buried under the driveway. She bursts out of the house looking like this:
So...what's you're saying is, you put this outfit on and thought, "Yes! This is the one! This is the perfect thing to make my television debut in." That's what you thought, Alicia? Because it was a terrible choice. Also, why is your rack mangled? (That's not what racks are supposed to look like.) Also, why do people insist on getting chest/rack tattoos? It's a good look for no one on Earth. I also think she stole my friend Molly's lion bracelet and made it into a necklace. :(
She's real abrasive. She opens with some asshole comment about had she wanted to meet Aaliyah she would have since they're in the same city. I HATE YOU, ALICIA. Your clothes hate you too. They're trying to escape your body.
Alicia is a sociopath. She laughs like a maniac the entire time Aaliyah asks her about the boyfriend and all the stuff Aaliyah sent her. Deck her with the camera, Silver Fox.
"What about your job?" Aaliyah asks her. "You was my job," Alicia says. Well, it's hard to hold down a job with those language skills. (OH MY GOD, I'M SO ANGRY. I WANT ALICIA TO MEET A FIRE!)
Alicia's fupa is something to behold. You dodged a bullet with this crazy bitch, Aaliyah.
Silver Fox consoles Aaliyah. It's very sweet. Maybe I'm crying again. WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
Nev stays behind and talks to Alicia. She brags about all the people she catfishes. Max goes back and tries to talk to her. He tells her he thinks she really does love Aaliyah and that she wants to be with her, but that she just doesn't want people to know. She sticks with her "I did it for boredom" story. Max doesn't buy it.
Alicia then admits to enjoying the friendship and agrees to see Aaliyah tomorrow.
Aaliyah just can't imagine what kind of person would do what Alicia has done, but they all head back to Alicia's the next day. I'M SO NERVOUS AGAIN.
Alicia apologizes to Aaliyah for leading her on. "I'm not a lesbian," she says. Aaliyah can't get past the fact that she's in love with her. Alicia was real about being friends, but the relationship stuff was fake. Alicia says she hurts the people who love her the most. Because people hurt her. She's also heard everyone on television say that same line. Alicia wants to figure out what's wrong with her. Also a line she's heard on television.
Aaliyah tells Alicia to keep the iPhone, but she won't be paying any more of her bills. Well, that's good, I guess.
Update: Alicia is trying to fix herself. They don't talk.
Mistresses: When One Door Closes...; Or: The One Where April's Daughter Leaves Breakfast In Her Room All Day
I've been busy. I've been lazy. Please excuse the lateness of this recap.
Please note that I will finally stop calling Karen "Dr. Sun." While I still call her Sun in my head, I realize it might be confusing to some of you who didn't watch LOST. And let's be perfectly honest, the crossover crowd probably isn't huge.
April busts into Dead Husband's hotel room to see if he's stolen Lucy. Apparently she assumes he's so dumb that had he taken her he would have just brought her back to his hotel. It IS safe to assume he's THAT dumb, but he doesn't have her.
I can't concentrate because April's shirt is so ugly.
Is that a sweater? A shirt? Is it a croptop sweater over a shirt?
Anyway, April is sure that Miranda has Lucy.
Over at Karen's not-trial, the judge throws out the lawsuit. This'll give Karen more time to not do anything all day long.
Dominic calls Savi to let her know that they lost. She's obviously excited for her BFF, Karen. While she's on with Dominic, Jeff calls. (Jeff is Savi and Harry's business partner at the restaurant.) He lets Savi know that he needs the money from her the next day if they want to keep the restaraunt open. Savi obviously has no idea what he's talking about. All these Mistresses, etc. keep so many secrets.
Joss is back in the guest house because she's a whore. Harry comes over to ask her to go into the main house and get his hoodie. He refuses to go in. You know, since last time he went there Dominic was there with Savi.
I really don't care about April and Lucy. But I'm SUPER grossed out when April gets to her house and runs in to look for Lucy and sees her breakfast on her bedside table. So you let a child eat in bed and then you just thought it was OK to leave a plate of half-eaten eggs and toast and a glass of orange juice next to the bed? What kind of animals are you?
Oh, the police found Lucy. She tried to get on a bus to go to a concert in Santa Monica. Wait, what? That was anticlimactic and makes no sense.
Karen shows up at work. I say work because it's an office, not because she does work. Anyway, she shows up and her assistant wants to toast to her trial being thrown out. Her partner kind of hates her so he has one sip and leaves. As Karen is leaving (She's been there for 15 minutes so it's been entirely too much time at the office for one day!) some fool from the state licensing board calls to set up a meeting. Girrrrrrl, you in trouble.
Jeff and Savi meet about the $25,000 he needs to keep the restaurant open. She tells him they'll have to get the money from somewhere else or shut it down.
Joss bangs her boss again. I have no idea what he's saying after the banging other than the fact that he's leaving. She's shocked. She's so stupid. She is angry at him for screwing up her life. Uh, you did that, stupid. HOW IS SHE BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR THE FACT THAT SHE'S A WHORE?
(I wonder if he'll still want her to run the office after she called him a douche?)
April's homosexual boyfriend comes over to tell her that he dropped his phone in the toilet. I don't trust him. Did he abduct Lucy? What are the odds that his phone was broken on the same day Lucy went missing? He stays for 25 seconds and then leaves. Presumably to go home to his husband.
Dom tells Savi that they're making him partner. He thought she'd be upset because she wanted it so much. She's actually on the same page with me when she says she didn't earn it.
They make a date for the next night.
Karen meets with the license board man about possibly assisting in Thomas' suicide. "You've crossed one too many ethical lines," he says. Then he says the craziest thing I've ever heard: "But because of the important work in our community the board felt that a 6 month suspension was more appropriate." WHAT WORK? WHEN HAS SHE EVER DONE WORK? (I have no idea how she pays her mortgage.)
She's outraged at the 6 months. I'm not sure why. She claims she can't abandon her critical patients. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PATIENT. Well, you saw one, but you slept with him and he died.
Joss heads to the bar and does tequila shots like any classy, adult woman. Turns out she's at Harry's restaurant. He tries to keep her from making a fool out of herself, but that's probably an impossible feat.
Elsewhere, the other broads are at Savi's playing a drinking game like they're not adult women. Karen is even worse drunk.
Joss gets almost raped in the bathroom at the restaurant, but luckily Harry is there to stop that. The next day she wakes up hungover with Harry on her couch. Odds are in favor of her banging him at some point, too.
When Joss runs off to vomit Harry sees Savi's paternity results in the bedside table.
April and Dead Husband meet AGAIN to discuss Lucy. Just get back together or something. He thinks Lucy should see a therapist. (YOU THINK?) Her gay boyfriend oversees this meeting of the minds.
Jacob tells Karen that he's the one who turned her into the board. He also doesn't want her to come back once her suspension is up. That's good since she's never been there anyway.
Joss goes to tell Alex goodbye and show her the space she found for her (Alex) to open a yoga studio. Alex asks her why she tried to be a lesbian. She says she did it so they could have a relationship. If being in Alex's life meant being gay then Joss would totally be gay for a week or something. It's a real emotional goodbye. (So they'll probably be best friends next week.)
Savi and Dominic have a lovely time on their date, but she thinks it's too soon. She's probably right since Harry moved out 13 hours earlier.
Savi calls Jeff and tells him she'll give him the money tomorrow, but he can't tell Harry it came from her.
Paul misses his flight [again] and tells April he wants a second chance. I WILL SET HER ON FIRE IF SHE AGREES TO THIS NONSENSE.
Mistresses: Full Disclosure; Or: The One Where Karen Doesn't Go to Work [AGAIN]
Hello. I'm back for Mistresses Monday. Yeah, I just made that up. And yeah, I hate myself for it.
I've been in the throws of a Parenthood marathon. WHERE HAVE I BEEN THE LAST 4 YEARS? Why did I miss Parenthood? (I mean, aside from season 2. That season could kind of be thrown out.) I'm almost caught up so I'll be back to recapping more frequently when I wrap up season 4 in the next day or two.
Moving on to Mistresses. Last week's was super creepy because Dr. Sun banged the time machine child version of Andrew McCarthy. Sam might not be an actual child, but he kind of is. And she banged his dad. What she didn't do last week was furiously press her iPad to try to get it to work.
Dr. Sun (Dr. Karen Kim, whatever.) is meeting with her lawyer (THAT SAM HIRED FOR HER.) going over her testimony. Sun can't seem to comprehend that she needs to take the 5th on some of the questions. It's no wonder Sun never has any patients, she's clearly too stupid to be a doctor. Her lawyer tells her she hasn't committed a crime just by prescribing morphine, but assisting in suicide is another story. Uh, duh, lawyer. THANKS FOR THE HEAD'S UP THAT THAT'S A CRIME. Not all of us are as dumb as Dr. Sun.
Plead the fifth on any questions involving the morphine, the affair and any dates. Sun thinks that's super suspicious. Pleading the 5th is never not suspicious, fool. The lawyer tells her that the judge will review her testimony and decide if the case is going to trial so she has to give as little info as possible. Then she asks her if she's figured out her alibi for the night Thomas died. LISTEN LAWYER, SHE'S WORKING ON THAT. HER CHILD BOYFRIEND SAID HE'D BE HER ALIBI. Lines are being crossed left and right on this show. (I don't think lines exist here.)
April goes to visit her dead husband as his hotel. Again. Even though she's said goodbye 15 times. This time he really wants to say goodbye (Yeah, I'm sure.) because he's flying back to Florida. He wants April to give Lucy a locket with his picture in it. I feel like this locket is bugged. Dead Husband is trouble now that he's alive.
Joss meets with her creepy boss. I have no idea what he says because it's like he's actually speaking French. He flirts with her (I think). I'm sure she'll bang him. COOL IT, JOSS. (Also, he only likes you because you're kind of gay now.)
Joss goes to meet Sun at April's store/coffeeshop/whateverthehellthatplaceis to discuss the fact that Frenchy is into her now. It's a good thing Sun doesn't have any patients and can just drink coffee and chat all day. It's weird that no one has ever said, "Hey Sun, how'd you pay for your house? You don't ever go to your job."
Sun whines about preparing for her deposition. Joss panics about Sun and Savi going head to head in court. Luckily Savi doesn't do her job either so she's off the case.
April shows up. They talk about Dead Husband and stuff. She wants to know if they think she should tell Lucy that her dead father isn't dead. NO, IDIOT. Although Sun agrees so maybe I'm wrong.
Savi and Dominic are actually in there office doing work. He gives her a ticket to New York as though a paper ticket is still something that exists. He says she needs to go meet with a client there. He wants her to go to New York so she's not breathing down his neck about Sun's deposition. She's really nervous when he tells her he thinks Sun might lose.
I wish Sun would go to jail.
Ohhhh, hey, Alex. Where you been, girl? She's planning some sort of couples evening with some friends. But she wants to do it at Savi's. Who plans a party and then asks to do it at another person's house? Especially when that other person isn't even invited to the party. Joss says it's not a problem. Then Alex asks Joss if she misses nude men. Then something about sausage. Then I throw up so I miss what happens next, but it's definitely terrible. Alex says something about it not being the worst thing in the world if Joss bangs a dude. Wait, what? NO ONE SAYS THAT.
Savi tells Joss it's OK for her to have the dinner party at her house. Then they talk about Dominic and Harry. Somehow Joss is the voice of reason, asking Savi why she's just immediately running into the arms of another man just because Harry hasn't talked to her in like 36 hours.
Sun's deposition happens. The first witness is Anthony. That creep (who looks like a black albino) who investigated the death and then installed a light at Sun's. Oh yeah, and they kissed. Sun's a bigger whore than Joss. So this should go well.
Is Anthony a werewolf?
Sun's lawyer grills Anthony about being rejected by Sun. Sun's a mess about it. Shut up, idiot. This broad is trying to keep you out of prison.
April and her weird homosexual boyfriend not boyfriend maybe boyfriend take their kids to Disneyland together. I'm sure they'll get back together.
Joss and Harry meet. She's trying to save Harry and Savi's marriage. He says Savi must have received the paternity and it's clear he's not the father. But Joss says Savi has gotten them, she just hasn't opened the letter. So Joss has the ridiculous idea that Harry should walk into the paternity store place whatever and just demand the results. THIS SEEMS EXTREMELY ILLEGAL. Ask Sun to do it. She HATES legalities. Also she has a lot of free time.
I wonder if April knows her boyfriend is super gay.
Joss' cell phone is massive. She's food shopping for the dinner party, but she's terrible at it and then Frenchy calls her and says she needs to go show a house. So they'll totally be banging in that house soon. COME ON, JOSS.
Elizabeth (Tom's wife) testifies that Tom said he banged Sun twice, but that she was crazy and he didn't want to be with her. Then she says that Tom was too weak to administer the morphine himself. Sun cries and says that Elizabeth called her and said Tom called out for the morphine and SHE gave it to him. Then Elizabeth says she wasn't at home. She was...DUN DUN...out with SAM.
Ohhhh, shit, Sun.
Sam is the next witness. FOR HIS MOTHER. Sun, you've been played by time-machine-Andrew-Mccarthy. Sun totally can't believe what she's hearing. At least I don't think she can. As I've said in the past, her emotions are impossible to read. Is she happy? Sad? Dead? THE JURY IS STILL OUT.
Frenchy surprises Joss at the house she's showing. She sucks and falls for his antics. I have no idea what his antics are because I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD HE'S SAYING.
Really, Joss? (Him?)
Uh, Frenchy wears a pinky ring. It's huge so Joss obviously sees it and still thinks it's a good idea to bang him.
April's gay boyfriend tells her she should tell Lucy that Dead Husband is alive. Gay Boyfriend is obviously an idiot person. Lucy's like 4 (She could be 6. Or 12.) SO SHE'S NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND THIS.
Sun's lawyer tells her she needs to find a new alibi by tomorrow night. The lawyer tells her to ask Jacob (her "business" partner) since he's in love with her. I don't know how he loves her. I can't imagine he's seen her for more than 15 minutes since she NEVER GOES TO WORK.
Sam goes to Sun to apologize. He says he's been trying to call her to tell her he had to do it, but she's a bitch who won't return his calls. Then he's a bitch and storms off. Everyone's a bitch here.
April tells Gay Boyfriend that she's going to take his advice and tell Lucy the next day.
Joss sneaks home and lies to Alex about where she's been. But then Alex sees a human bite mark on Joss, but decides it's not a conversation she "needs to have." Huh. It seems like a pretty major conversation that needs to be had.
Jacob says he was with Sun the night of Tom's death. Why is everyone so into Sun? As he's about to say he was with Sun the night of Tom's death, Sun is an idiot-person and says Jacob wasn't with her. She was home alone. HEY SUN, YOU ALWAYS LIE UNDER OATH. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.
She says she and Tom had spoken that morning and he didn't sound good. She wanted to be with him because he was the love of her life and he loved her. She says she prescribed him morphine because she loved him so much she didn't want to see him suffer. That's so sweet, Sun. She says she agreed to help him end his life, but that call never came so that has to mean Elizabeth killed him. Then Sun saunters off. (Can you just leave a deposition?)
Harry goes to the paternity place and asks for the results. The front desk lady says he's not on the consent form, but he gets all flirty and women are idiots so she almost falls for it, but then a doctor comes out and asks if there's a problem. Harry wanders off.
The next morning Alex says she does want to talk about the fact that her girlfriend banged her boss. "Don't overreact," Joss says. Uh, OK. I don't know if I'd call it overreacting.
THIS IS THE WEIRDEST CONVERSATION EVER. IT MAKES NO SENSE THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER BE OK WITH ANY OF THIS.
Then they fight. Mostly because it's about Frenchy.
This relationship is stressing me out.
Joss tries to whine about this "not a big deal" thing to Savi. Savi doesn't really get it either. Although she banged her boss, too, so this is all just crazytalk.
Savi is already back from New York? She's going on and on about how Dominic put her up in the Four Seasons. Oh, and that she's had feelings for him and wants to give something with him a chance. YOUR HUSBAND MOVED OUT LIKE 13 HOURS AGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND START ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP?
April goes to pick up Lucy from school, but she's been kidnapped or something.
Catfish: Mike & Kristen; Or: The One Where Nev [Campbell] "Doesn't Know Anything About Glass Eyes"
Throw me a bone tonight, Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ and have at least one person on the show stumble out of a shed.
The gentlemen are in San Francisco when they get an email from Michael with the subject: SEPARATED BY LESS THAN 40 MILES. So what kind of fatty weirdo is going to be catfishing this fool?
Michael is a 25-year-old from Sterling Heights, Michigan. 3 1/2 years ago he met a broad named Kristen on Facebook. She looks normal. Not your typical Catfisher that looks like they're lips were glued on to another human's face. She's 22 and from St. Clair, Michigan (an hour north of Michael). She's in beauty school. Well, it had to be either that or nursing school. If you ever meet someone online who informs you that they're being educated in either of those fields, RUN FOR THE GODDAMN HILLS. They're either your ex or a fatty with low self esteem and a basic knowledge that Google image search exists.
After a month of talking they started saying I love you and talking about the number of kids they're going to have.
OH, CRAP. SHE'S PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED. So now I'm going to feel bad writing all the things I'm thinking.
I'm not positive she's handiCAPABLE, but Michael seems to think that's the reason she hasn't been able to meet up with him. He's not good with computers (or brains, apparently) so he hasn't really tried to videochat with Kristen. It's all been via text and phone calls. But somehow Michael figures out how to videochat with Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™.
GET ON TO THE HANDICAP EXPLANATION PLEASE.
She was apparently involved in a head on collision with a semi-truck. The window shattered, etc. This all sounds like a Lifetime movie so far. Anyway, some glass got into her eye and the doctor couldn't fix it SO SHE HAS A FAKE EYE! YES! (This is something I won't have any trouble discussing.)
I WANT TO SEE HER EYE. I can't really even pay attention to anything that's happening because I'm so excited to see this fake eye. She better have it. I'm getting Catfished by proxy if this fool doesn't have a glass eye rolling around her face when we meet her.
Michael thinks Kristen thinks he'll reject her and her glass eye and that's why she won't meet him. Yeah, that's the reason.
Nev Campbell, you look so tired.
Mike tells them that he and Kristen were exclusive for a while, then they started seeing other people. But every time he'd start dating someone she'd ask him to break up with her. HEY GIRLS, COOL IT WITH THAT MOVE.
Now Mike kind of reminds me of Eminem. Maybe that's just how all dudes in Michigan speak? Huh.
Mike wants to trust her and really does believe her. He just really needs to know for sure.
"I don't know anything about glass eyes," Nev Campell starts saying. ME NEITHER. TELL ME EVERYTHING. I also kind of thought glass eyes were from the Dust Bowl™, like peg legs and math, but apparently they still exist.
They investigate a picture to search for a glass eye. "I don't know why she'd make that up," Mike says. ME NEITHER, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT.
Then he talks really creepily about her "nice curves" in the "provocative" photos he has. So they sext! He's sexting with a glass eyed stranger who may just actually be a fat homosexual from down the street.
Mike has apparently sent her full frontal nude pictures with his face included because he's the smartest man on Earth.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ head back to the hotel to investigate ol' Glass Eye. They just can't believe she hasn't found an afternoon to meet up with Mike since they live so close. (It's probably really hard to drive with a glass eye.)
First they call Kristen's beauty school to see if she goes there. (They do this every week [since every week some broad is in nursing or beauty school] and it just can't be legal for the schools to be giving out this information, but let's just forget about that fact.)
Kristen Parkers is not enrolled there, but another Kristen is. That's not a common name at all. There couldn't possibly be more than one Kristen in Michigan. Oh, and this one doesn't have a glass eye. SO SHE'S DEAD TO ME.
Nev Campell and Silver Fox™ do some fighting over whether or not a good glass eye is detectable.
HOLY CRAP. THEY FIND A 57-YEAR-OLD NAMED KRISTYN HILLOCK. Spelled differently, blah blah bla. BUT IS THERE A GLASS EYE?
Ugh, then they find a Kristyn Hillock who is 22. YOU'RE SPINNING ME IN CIRCLES, GUYS.
They find Kristyn Hillock's Facebook page. It's filled with horses and tattoos of scissors and stuff. But her Facebook is mostly private so it's unclear as to what she actually looks like and IF SHE HAS A GLASS EYE.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ meet Mike and his friends at the driving range. They report back with what they found the other day. Mike's friends look like extras from 8 Mile. They also all just found out that he's never met Kristyn.
Mike seems kind of pissed. Even though most of Kristyn's information matches up to what she's told him. He's apparently really into her name since he's so consumed with that part of the lie.
He says he's done. So...are we not going to find out about that eye? (Is MTV going to go dark for the next half hour?) Oh, then he says he's not going to quit until he finds out everything. He changed his tune REAL quick. Thank God. I'd never recover from not getting to find out about this eye.
Nev Campell decides to go looking for Kristyn's high school yearbook to see if they can find her picture. They find a girl who I think looks like the broad he's been talking to, but no one else seems to think so. (DO I HAVE THAT DISEASE WHERE YOU CAN'T RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT FACES?)
Mike seems like he might have roid rage. He looks so angry. I'm a little scared of him.
They call Kristyn. "I'm confused," she says when they call. BUT DO YOU HAVE A GLASS EYE?
She agrees to meet him even though she's scared. He's scared, too. SO AM I. (But seriously...do you have a glass eye?)
THE TIME HAS COME TO MEET HER. (I MIGHT THROW UP I'M SO NERVOUS.)
It doesn't help that they play horror movie music.
This is her:
I CAN'T TELL IF SHE HAS A GLASS EYE. Both of her eyes blink. She does drag on of her legs so THERE'S THAT. (Fact: I love when people drag a leg.) She keeps apologizing to him. She also has some weird part of her face pierced. I think she does have a glass eye. "I don't want to cry," she says. DO GLASS EYES CRY?
She does have a fake left eye! She started the fake profile right after the accident and Mike really helped her get through it and stuff. She tries to make us all feel bad by saying she "needed a mask." Uh, but you're a liar and your self esteem and glass eye don't negate that.
She does say she was about to kill herself and talking to Mike helped so that's good. "We talked about my eye a lot," she says. IT'S ALL I'D TALK ABOUT.
The accident turned her into the fat girl. (Also the hamburgers.)
"Good luck in everything you do. I hope stuff turns around for you," Mike says while he walks away, visibly upset that he hasn't been talking to a babe for 3 1/2 years.
When they leave he says he doesn't want to see or talk to her again. He also deletes her number from his phone.
The next day Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ go back to Kristyn's house to talk to her. She tells a really depressing story about her accident and her asshole boyfriend who was driving the car, but was fine and then dumped her when she was so injured. People are the worst.
Kristyn is starting to become her old, wacky self again. "Taking my eye out. Now I'm just like, 'hey, wanna hold my eye,'" she says. OH MY GOD AND THEN CHRISTMAS HAPPENS AND SHE TAKES HER EYE OUT.
It's like going your entire life not knowing you're missing something and then stumbling upon that missing piece and realizing your life wasn't complete until that very second. THIS IS MY VERY SECOND.
The guys come over to wrap up things with Mike. They sit around drinking beers with Mike's "boys." Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ tell the guys Kristyn's sad story. His friends are awesome. They tell him not to be embarrassed by everything. He was a good guy and he saved a girl's life. I'M CRYING. (Just show me that eye again.)
He claims he's not going to talk to her again. But two weeks after filming ended he changed his mind and started talking to her again. They aren't dating, but they're friends. It's real sweet and stuff.
Kristyn has a boyfriend. She and her family are moving to Orlando and her new boyfriend is moving with her. That seems soon, but whatever. I don't care about anything other than that glass eye. I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
Big Brother: 8.4.13; Or: Oops, Here's a Recap of 20 Minutes of the Show
I keep trying to start recapping tonight’s Big Brother, but I turned on the TV and a 90210 marathon of SEASON 2 IS ON AND I CAN’T STOP WATCHING IT. It’s the first time Brandon and Kelly ever kissed, Kelly and Brenda wore the same dress, Brenda and Dylan MADE LOVE for the first time, it’s the first time I used that phrase without throwing up. It’s a big night for everyone. Also, my power keeps going out so I’m missing some pretty big goings on. On 90210, I mean. I’m kind of glad it’s cutting out some of Big Brother.
The power is out right now, for example. So…how’s everyone doing? I have nothing to look at so I’m not doing great. It’s beautiful all day, everyday and then it storms every night. Get it together, mother nature (I hate when inanimate objects are refereed to as ladies. Except my BBQ grill. I like to light her up and let her burn all day.)
Uh, the TV is at 0% loading itself back up. Let me use this space to speak directly to Directv. Hello. One, I think you should spell your name DirectTv. I always type the extra t and I think it should be there. Two, I only have you because I’m currently residing nearly in the Gulf of Mexico and no cable providers will run the cables down here. Something about hurricanes. More like something about stupid. Third, the power goes out a lot here (summer storms and such) and a lot of times it’s for less than a second (and every so often it’s because my body zaps the electricity from anything near me and has nothing to do with storms), but it takes your DVRs 10 minutes to reboot and reload or whatever science they’re doing in there. Frankly, I haven’t a clue how television works and how I’m seeing ANYTHING on a screen, but that’s not for me to understand. What I’m saying is, it shouldn’t take 10 minutes to reboot this nonsense. We’ve been to the moon.
Anyway…the cable came back on, rebooted and I’m seeing that Big Brother didn’t even start recording tonight. So you’ll all be getting the last 20 minutes of this episode recapped. YOU’RE WELCOME.
So some stuff happened for 40 minutes. It may or may not have been important. Maybe someone died in the house. Maybe someone didn’t. We’ll probably never know. But now McCrae is harping to Jessie about loyalty. Once again, it’s like no one has a clue that they’ve all shown up to play a game. It’s also weird how cool Don Draper makes smoking looked and how terrible Jessie makes it looks. It’s about as appealing as that tracheotomy lady commercial. I HATE HER. (May she [probably] rest in peace.)
McCrae can’t understand how people aren’t loyal. He also says his team hasn’t controlled the vote for the last three weeks. Jessie says she’s not about to be a person who starts taking orders from people.
THEN THE WORST THING EVER HAPPENS:
DOES SHE KNOW WE CAN SEE HER? I mean, DOES SHE KNOW THOSE CAMERAS ARE TRANSMITTING HER TO US? It’s Amanda and she sits down and acts as though she’s wearing pants and a full length shirt. No one even says, “Hey, where are your pants?" or “Hey, do you know people can see you?" or “Hey, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE WITH YOUR PANTS SITUATION?"
McCrae is still harping on the fact that Jessie made a mistake by kind of turning on Amanda. Amanda takes over the yelling and Andy just sits there. Amanda calls her crazy and attention seeking. “I’m attention seeking? You’re in your underwear," Jessie says back. THANK YOU FOR FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOMEONE WAS SITTING THERE SANS PANTS.
More fighting. They just keep throwing around the word bully. YOU’RE PLAYING A GAME, YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE NICE. Do you know how to win? By being awesome and good at something, NOT BY BEING NICE. GET IT TOGETHER, PANSIES.
Amanda threatens to target Jessie to go home this week, but Jessie just throws that threat back at Amanda.
Later in the house, McCrae asks Amanda why she said that to Jessie because it just makes her (Amanda) look bad. He wants her to stop taking everything so personally because it’s a game. THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU WIN, MCCRAE. Since you’re the only one in the house who knows why he’s in said house.
Looks like there might be trouble in paradise.
Elsewhere Ginamarie calls Jessie up to come upstairs and talk in the HOH room. Ginamarie proceeds to tell Jessie she looks “sexy." This is the exact moment where Jessie is told this:
Huh. So sexy is obviously subjective. (She’s bursting out of her [studded] shorts and her shirt is too small because her stomach grew out of it not because it was purchased as a crop top.)
Jessie tells Ginamarie that she got emotional the night before and put a target on her back. She’s now seeing things more clearly. Then she tells Ginamarie that, due to Amanda’s influence, it might be harder to get Candice (the target) out this week if Jessie is put up. So Amanda needs to go on the block.
Time for the nomination ceremony. Candice and Jessie are nominated. Ginamarie tells Candice that while she might be beautiful, she isn’t loyal. Then some stuff about being a tattletale and a rat. “Be the best that you can be," she says, and then just keeps talking nonsense. She tells Jessie that she’s nominated for being a flipflopper. Then she explains what flipflopping is. Thanks for explaining that. I never would have figured that out.
Pretty Wicked Moms: Pajama Party Brawl; Or: I Wish I Had Died An Hour Ago And Could Have Missed Watching This
I haven't recapped Pretty Wicked Moms in a while because, frankly, it makes me want to murder anyone I can get my hands on. A lot of shows make me sad about the state of humanity, but this is the icing on the HUMANITY SUCKS cake. It's actually difficult for me to hold back sometimes when I write about this show. (The furthest I've gone is when I called Emily a cunt. Trust me, I've wanted to go way further than that. Recapping this show is an lesson in restraint for me.)
Here goes...
The episode opens at poor Meredith's house. She really does look like that sad BEFORE picture in a magazine. But it's like that picture has sprung to life and is an actually sadder living being. I don't know if I hate her because she's terrible or feel sorry for her because she's so desperate for Emily and Nicole N. to like her. God knows why. They're just dried up old hillbillies who married OK-ish, but think they married well. They aren't something to aspire to be. They're something to aspire against. Like with cyanide or something.
Anyway, Meredith was totally molested and is just walking around all meek and creepy. She smiles and smiles and says nothing. It's really riveting television.
Over at Nicole N.'s house, she's getting her dogs ready for the day.
Nicole B. is hanging out at home getting her kid ready to go to the zoo. Her fitness class teacher boyfriend (or whatever) comes in. Everyone does some kissing. I do some vomiting. Nicole B. reminds him that she put together a play date for the zoo (uh, Emily hates play dates and her kid so this should go well!) Nicole is making some healthy snacks to take because all the other moms will show up with vodka and Kit Kats and call it a day.
Nicole B. also reminds Craig that the following night she has something terrible to go to so he'll have their daughter. "Is that cool," she asks him as though he's not her father, but just some stranger who has to watch the child. (Hey Dads, it's not babysitting when they're yours. Idiots.)
Craig drinks out of the sink.
Oh God, it's Emily. Just hearing her voice makes me want to end my own life. She tells that stupid lost cause of a child, Amzee (Still? STILL KEEPING THAT NAME?) that they're going to the zoo. But who will hold down the Swank store? HOW WILL BUSINESS SURVIVE IF EMILY IS AT THE ZOO ALL DAY? (Also, how does the business survive when she's there? What, with the ugliest clothes ever produced. And I accidentally went in a Sears once so I've seen ugly.)
Miranda is preparing her son for the zoo. But she says they're going to have to hustle home because the next day she's having a pajama party with all the whores women assholes. I can't wait for that. I hope someone brings enough poison to go around. If not, just start with Emily.
Miranda announces to Chris (her husband) that Meredith mentioned maybe wanting to watch her wedding video at the slumber party. The last episode I watch was the wedding video one. It went really well then so I can't wait to see how it goes at the slumber party. She's going to go full force molestee on everyone. Chris seems thrilled to be involved in this entire relationship conversation.
Time for the zoo. They're all dressed like rejects from a Vegas club. (And Vegas club rejects are just worst dressed rejects from any other club in any other city.) Emily's choice of a fur vest was a good one. It's always a good choice. When in doubt, put on a fur vest. Classes the shit out of an outfit.
They get to go "backstage" to meet some animals in private. (That's not as sexual as I made it sound.)
Nicole B. becomes my favorite when she announces that it's clear Emily isn't hands on at all because Amzee is too sweet.
Ledger hits Amzee in the face (GREAT WORK, LEDGER. YOU'RE MY HERO!) and Emily's first reaction is TO HIT LEDGER BACK. Sadly she doesn't do it. I say sadly because I want to asshole to go away and have her child taken away. But the fact that that's her first thought? HE'S A TODDLER, YOU CRAZY BITCH.
[SOAP BOX ALERT: If you are one of the people on Earth who hates gay people/don't think they should be allowed to get married/raise children/etc. PLEASE, PLEASE watch an episode of this show. Watch every move Emily makes. Listen to every word out of her mouth. You'll soon be on a bandwagon to ban straight marriage and not allow straight people to have/raise children. SHE is detrimental to society. SHE is detrimental to the welfare of a child. SHE IS AN ACTUAL MONSTER. She is, without a doubt, the worst human being I've ever seen on the television and real life. END RANT.]
Later that night Emily brags to Pete, her homosexual husband (are his scrubs dirty? He's not wearing them. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE'S A DOCTOR DENTIST?), about how brave she was in the room with a snake.
Miranda is a mess at home, going on and on to Chris (Who doesn't care because his phone is more important. Duh.) about how Ledger hit Amzee. "Of course it was Amzee, Emily already hates me," she says. HOW DOES NO ONE SEE THAT AS A GOOD THING?
Over at the world's ugliest store for sluts, Swank, Emily and Nicole N. are gossiping about how Miranda must really be freaking out that Ledger hit Amzee of all people. They couldn't care less that Amzee might have a black eye (I also doubt they even know where Amzee is.), just that Miranda must be freaking out. Emily also makes the poor decision to wear this [and look like this, although that was just a bunk draw of the genetics hand]:
Emily goes on and on about how Miranda is so jealous of her. Yeah, that's it. You should keep telling yourself that.
Emily and Nicole can't believe Miranda is having a pajama party. "We're thirty...something," Emily says. Well, you look 65 so you should keep announcing your age.
Miranda is crazed preparing for this horrible party. It doesn't even look like she has good snacks. What the hell is the point of going to a party if there aren't good snacks there? (No point, that's the answer.)
Wow, she had some REAL junk made for this party.
Marci is the first to arrive and she apologizes for something, but I kind of zoned out because I was focused on all the ugly stuff Miranda set out for the party.
All the husbands are at Emily and Pete's playing cards. They're really keeping a close eye on their children. Some of the kids could be upstairs overdosing on Emily's Xanax for all anyone knows. Chris thought it would be a good idea to wear a cowboy embroidered shirt and a giant dollar sign belt buckle made of jewels. HE WAS RIGHT.
Emily wore her fur vest again. Classed it up, once again.
Nicole B. and Meredith arrive last. Meredith looks like Cinderella. But the Cinderella who is still the help and hasn't yet gotten involved with at slipper.
Emily and Nicole N. go upstairs to put their ugly stuff away in the room where they'll be sleeping. They make fun of it. I mean, it is ugly, but it's not anywhere as horrifying as Emily's face. But if does have Miranda's wedding dressed DISPLAYED ON A MANNEQUIN IN IT. They taunt each other to try it on and while they're posing for pictures with it it crashes to the ground. Everything in the room is destroyed. I wish the mannequin would come to life in the night and kill them.
Marci and Miranda can't believe that Emily and Nicole locked the door to the bedroom and won't let anyone in. Why can they not believe that? Emily and Nicole are like two demon assholes who escaped Hell and just roam the Earth unnoticed.
Marci and Miranda sneak in through another door and find out that Emily and Nicole destroyed Miranda's wedding bouquet. OK, so it was an asshole thing to do, but why the hell is your wedding bouquet just sitting out in a box in a guest bedroom if it's THAT important too you?
Everyone fights about the ruining of the bouquet. They spend the next hour fighting about how they all hate each other and they're all bitches who never say what they mean. Uh, all they do is say what they mean.
Miranda has another breakdown. She's pushed Meredith out of the way to take her place as ugly stepsister in this horrorshow.
They decide to move on to the wedding video portion of the evening. But first they have to put on the pink robes that Miranda provided for everyone. This wedding video part is so awkward. Why is this even happening?
No one poisoned anyway. TERRIBLE SLUMBER PARTY. JUST TERRIBLE.
Big Brother: 8.1.13; Or: The One Where Amanda's Boobs Explode
I was going to recap this in the morning, but I was alerted to the fact that they go visit Judd's (who is Judd?) family and it's like they got in a time machine and went back and re-shot Deliverance or something. So I obviously had to GET AT THAT. (This is a phrase I recently learned from Lebron James and I've really developed a real affinity for it.)
Yellow looks good on no one, Julie. But nice try with not looking like you were going on your first dinner cruise like last week.
As you might remember, Aaryn became HOH. She apparently became Helen's puppet over the course of the week. I wouldn't know. I was busy eating sheet cakes and doing other things so I haven't seen or heard anything about the goings on in the house. She put up Spencer and Howard. America secretly named Amanda as the third nominee, but the blame was put on Howard because he's black. (I just made that last part up. I have no idea why they blamed him.)
Spencer won the veto. Helen led a smear campaign against Candice so she was put up in Spencer's place.
Why are there still so many of them? It's like they just keep secretly adding someone when no one is looking. Julie just announced that we're not even halfway through the game. WHAT THE HELL? Is this crap ending at Christmas?
Well, she looks really smart:
Howard and Candice do some talking about what they think is going to happen. Candice is being the realist of the two and she's not sure they're safe.
Spencer is trying to get 5 votes to get Howard to stay. He really wants Amanda out. He's outside conspiring with Ginamarie. Ginamarie has to go inside though to cry into some shorts so doesn't have any time for this.
Howard, Judd, Andy and Spencer proceed to sit around trying to figure out how to keep Howard in the game.
Spencer goes to Candice to tell her that the plan is to get Amanda out. Riveting. Tell me that story again, Spencer.
Later that night Andy gets lost on the way to the gay pride parade:
and finds Amanda to tell her that he and Judd formed a deal with Howard and Spencer to flip the house and turn on her. He assures her it's not actually going to happen.
She has a nervous breakdown in the pantry. He lets his ginger chest hair comfort her.
Amanda tells Spencer that she knows what he's doing and it's not going to work. She says it's going to backfire on him. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING HIM YOU KNOW, STUPID? YOU'RE SO DUMB.
Amanda tells him to turn on Candice. If he does then she'll help him. He says he's not going to be some punk bitch that lets her boss him around. He tells her to shut up and that really pisses her off. "Who tells a woman to shut up," she says. Uh, all people. SHUT UP, AMANDA.
Has Candice always had a baby voice? Who molested her?
She calls a house meeting to discuss the fact that everyone is lying to everyone else. WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CANDICE? Have you ever seen this game? Do you even know it's a game? Do you ever know you are alive? What is happening here?
Everyone in this house looks like they might be drifters in the real world.
More backstabbing and campaigning.
Right now it seems like they're all gunning for Candice. Nice work calling that ridiculous house meeting.
Julie talks to the house guests. She gives them a little current events quiz. She tells them that former BBer, Britney, had a baby. Then she asks what they think Kanye and Kim (REALLY? REALLY?!?!) named their kid. Then she asks what they think the sex of the royal baby was. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Oh good lord, it's time to meet Judd's family in Tennessee. Andy and Tana are his parents and they speak...a language. I guess. It's something. Kind of a cross between muttering and whatever sounds Helen Keller probably made. (It's not a pleasant sound.)
"Judd being on Big Brother is probably the biggest thing in this town since electricity," some random broad says. You know what electricity is? Huh. That's an actual surprise.
His dad is just thrilled he was on the front page of the paper for something other than the police blotter. A family of dreamers, this one.
The Mayor of Judd's small town looks like he fell off a hobo train and just landed in town and was squatting in Town Hall and they just made him the mayor.
Time for the live vote. They do their stupid pleas to stay.
Julie asks him why he thinks they thought he was such a huge threat. He makes up some nonsense that doesn't make sense. He also says he wasn't on the power team (Helen, Amanda, McCrae) and made the mistake of getting with the Moving Company™ so early.
The audience seems to be into Howard.
Tonight's HOH competition is called Bull in a China Shop. (That's what I call my dog. In case you're wondering.) The idiots have to hang on to a bull while something spins under them. If they drop the bull a bunch of china breaks. Elissa always falls first but somehow gets back up. Julie then gives them an option to quit the game and open a box to possibly win $5000.
Ugh, I hate HOH competitions where we have to wait for the next episode to see who wins. I'm going to Google it and see if anyone has one yet. SO DON'T READ PAST HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED:
Catfish: Jen & Skylar; Or: The One with the Full Blown Sociopath
IT'S CATFISH TIME! IT'S CATFISH TIME! It makes no sense that my three favorite shows that are currently running are: Catfish, Mistresses and The Fosters. I'm not sure if I'm Nielsen's worst nightmare or their dream. (But hey, Nielsen, I WANT TO BE A FAMILY PLEASE. It's only been my dream since birth.)
Tonight a broad named Jennifer emails Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ to tell them her story. She's an 18-year-old in small town Iowa who is stuck in an online friendship. I say stuck because she seems to want the relationship to be more than just friendship. She met a guy named Skylar Hazen on a site where you meet and build world's with strangers. So that doesn't sound scary or weird at all. They make avatars and build fake lives. You can build rooms and invite people to hang out and play games. Jen's avatar looks like Pippi Longstocking and Skylar's looks like he tried to eat two sharp rocks but they got stuck in his cheeks. Anyway, why does something like this exist? Do people know that you can build lives and stuff in real life? You can also hang out and play games in real life so I'm really confused.
Skylar is a junior in college [for computers. OBVIOUSLY] in San Francisco. For someone who is going to school to do stuff with computers you'd think he'd have a webcam or something. I think actual hobos have access to FaceTime now so my mind is blown when catfishees continue to believe the "I don't have a webcam" lie of the catfisher.
Oh, Silver Fox™ agrees with me. We're always on the same page.
Jen says she was bullied in middle school. Yeah, probably because she builds rooms online and invites robots into them.
Jen, Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ video chat about why she's so into him. It's his personality. He's totally going to be 65. HE'S GOING TO BE THIS GUY (PS, NSFW OR WHATEVER):
She's only seen two pictures of Skylar AND he doesn't have Facebook. He's going to murder her like crazy. This episode MIGHT prove to be my very favorite ever. It has the makings of something great so far.
The gentlemen go to Iowa. It looks pretty awful.
Nev Campbell doesn't seem to have any sense of personal space. He loves being close to the catfishee.
Now we have to listen to Jen's story of being bullied. She was a fatty and no one liked her so she went online and made friends [who will prove to be total liars and creeps].
Jen could totally meet a nice guy in real life. I wish she wasn't about to ruin the rest of her life with this nonsense. Because when he turns out to be the guy pictured above SHE WILL NEVER RECOVER.
Jen has a spiral staircase (my least favorite of all stair varieties) that looks like it's covered in a cat scratched. But that's really neither here nor there.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ start their investigation process. They don't have much information to go on. Just his phone number, name, two pictures (that don't even look like the same person) and his school. They start with a search of his phone number. It brings back a bunch of unknown/unlisted information, but he does live in Northern California.
They do the ol' image search and nothing comes back. They call San Francisco State to check his enrollment. SURPRISE! HE'S NOT A STUDENT THERE. I'm totally shocked I'm not shocked at all.
They Google him and find a Skylar Hazen that is her age, but in Nebraska. He also has a Facebook page and looks like a real cool dude not a cool dude at all. He's into all the same weirdo stuff Jen likes so it's looking like it's going to be him.
Uhoh, Skylar has a girlfriend. Well, it's an avatar saying it's his girlfriend. WHAT IS WITH THESE NERD WEIRDOS?
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ reach out to some Facebook friend of Skylar's to ask some questions. Austin (the friend) confirms that Skylar has a girlfriend that he met on some nerd game, but that it's not Jen.
OUT OF NOWHERE, SKYLAR MESSAGES THEM. That's never happened before. IT'S THRILLING. Skylar claims he doesn't know anyone named Jen. He says he has a girlfriend and he's never been in touch with someone named Jen from his nerd game. Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ seem to believe him.
We meet Jen's family. I'm never into this part unless the family is super creepy or they make me cry like that one a couple of week's ago.
The guys tell Jen all the stuff they've discovered, which is not much. Nev Campell goes outside to call Skylar. Skylar seems to think that Nev Campbell is catfishing him. ("They don't know that we know they know we know.") Anyway, Skylar says he's really busy with finals and stuff. HE JUST DOESN'T HAVE TIME. He's really busy and hectic and just has to go. He'll think about it or something. He doesn't sound like an old man so there's that.
The next day Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ call Skylar back. I don't even answer my phone when people I know call and this fool has answered two calls from a stranger. He's obviously retarded.
Skylar agrees to let them all come to San Francisco. PLEASE BE A CREEP. PLEASE BE A CREEP. PLEASE LIVE IN A SHED!
(I like Jen's nail polish color. I consider myself a nail polish enthusiast.)
They all arrive in San Francisco. Jen is super nervous. So am I. I might throw up. I'M SO NERVOUS.
Err...his name is Brian. He's not fat or old. But he does make me really uncomfortable. Then this happens:
Silver Fox™: Do you have any true feelings for Jen?
Brian: I don't have any emotional feelings for her. I would never be able to have a romantic relationship with her. I just want to brush up my game.
BRUSH UP YOUR GAME?!?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING? He's online dating a bunch of nerds so he can brush up his game. Uh, he's never going to have game. (Also, "game" should cease to exist as a phrase people use when not referring to Scattergories.)
Brian claims he wanted Jen to fly out there so he could tell her who he really was and end the whole "Skylar" charade. Also he claims he was "giving her a gift" by online dating her. So this dude is a sociopath and this isn't the last we'll be hearing from him. He'll definitely be heavily featured on Nancy Grace at some point in the future.
This guy is totally creeping me out. What an awful human being.
Jen goes back over and tells Brian what an asshole douchebag he is. I wish she'd set him on fire. Brian calls her cool. "So you picked the coolest girl to come clean about what an asshole you are," Nev Campell says.
BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS CREEP, EVERYONE. He's just going to murder a woman in the future.
Brian can't wrap his brain around the fact that he's an awful human being.
[HEY MTV, STOP WITH THE NICKI AND SARA LIVE TIE-INS WITH CATFISH. THOSE BROADS SUCK.]
Nev Campell and Silver Fox™ want Brian to have learned something from all this. That's never going to happen, but he agrees to sit down with them and discuss the whole situation.
His eyes are totally dead.
Jen says all this has helped her find herself and she's learned how to be herself. So that's good.
I don't know how I felt about this, but I do know that if I ever see Brian out and about that I'll be running in the opposite direction.
Mistresses: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner; Or: The One Where Savi & Joss' Mom is a Drifter
It's 1988 and a young Savi and Josslyn are at the beach with their [obviously disturbed] mother. She's topless and it's a public beach not in France. There are A LOT of people around. Children, normal sized people, etc. If this were their dad he'd be in jail. This is really pretty creepy.
Also, the casting of young Savi and Joss is terrible. They should have just cast the same actresses and put wigs on them. If a 40-year-old Beverly D'Angelo can play a minor then so can Alyssa Milano and Jes Macallan.
I'm not sure if the mom drowns or not because the phone rings and we're back at Savi's in real time.
Karen Dr. Sun is on the horn, waking Savi up. It's probably noon.
Cut to all the ladies at Dr. Sun's house. She's having a nervous breakdown because Elizabeth (the wife of her ex-patients that she was banging before he committed suicide) told her last week that she knew Dr. Sun was banging her husband. Sun is panicked. She should press her iPad buttons repeatedly. That helps all situations.
Dr. Sun doesn't know when Elizabeth found out. WAS IT THE SUNGLASSES SHE LEFT IN TOM'S LOVE NEST, SHE ASKS? She's a really good actress. Just kidding, I'm not totally sure if she's scared or sad or happy or sick.
The ladies proceed to talk about sunglasses for the next 45 minutes. Then Savi tries to get everyone to stop saying bad things about Elizabeth since she is still Savi's client. Uh, and Dr. Sun is your best friend. I'm still not totally sure why, but that's not the point right now.
ATTENTION EVERYONE: STOP WEARING SCARVES WITH SHORT SLEEVE SHIRTS. STOP WEARING SCARVES WHEN IT ISN'T SNOWING. STOP WEARING SCARVES IN LOS ANGELES.
A SUMMER SCARF IS NOT A THING. STOP DOING IT, EVERYONE. STOP DOING IT. I HATE YOU.
Moving on...
Dr. Sun is really consumed with the fact that Elizabeth has been lying to her and she's totally less consumed with the fact that she banged Elizabeth's husband for a while and then prescribed a lethal dose of drugs so he could take his own life. Not to take sides, but I'm totally on Elizabeth's side.
Now Dr. Sun thinks Elizabeth may have killed Tom because of the affair. That's voodoo science, Sun. Even for you.
Josslyn, still proving to be my favorite, says that even if he was murdered that he was going to die soon anyway so it hardly counts. (Marry me?)
Harry's hanging around his kitchen just looking at a picture of he and Savi lounging around in the grass. Someone comes in the back door and he assumes it's Savi so he apologizes for being home, but it turns out it's Janet, her not-dead mother. From far away I thought it was Shelley Long and I got so excited I almost threw up, but it's not Shelley Long so now I'm just totally bummed and missing Shelley Long.
Janet hugs Harry for entirely too long and then asks if Savi's there. She follows up with, "of course she's not here, she's always working." So she obviously knows nothing about Savi. She's always eating breakfast or having coffee or sitting on someone's couch or napping, but it's safe to say she's rarely working.
Janet wants to know why Harry is packing up the kitchen. Her first guess is a bizarre one: catering camp. That's a thing? Anyway, he tells her he moved out and she should talk to Savi about it because he has to go to work. He wanders out, leaving this drifter alone in his house.
Oh crap, with all the hullabaloo with Paul being alive I totally forgot that April had a homosexual boyfriend named Richard. He comes into her store or restaurant or whatever it is that she owns and asks how Lucy took the news that her mom was dating again. Oops, she didn't have time to tell Lucy because she was busy finding out her dead husband was her alive husband.
April tells Richard that Miranda is gone and she's going to tell Lucy about them tonight. She fails to mention Paul being alive. Cut to Paul being a total creep and lurking outside her restaurant or store or whatever it is she owns.
Savi's at work! It's a big day. But she's not working. She's watching a horrifying video about babies having tails in the womb. WAIT, WHAT? HOW'D I MISS THAT PART OF SCIENCE CLASS? (PS I missed all parts of science class. I was busy not being a loser.)
Dominic comes in, thinking Savi isn't there (the odds were in his favor), to drop off some papers on her desk. They have an awkward encounter. Savi tells him that Harry moved out of the house. Uh, he's not your friend. MAYBE TELL THIS STUFF TO SOMEONE WHO YOU DIDN'T BANG ON A DESK A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. Maybe.
Harry calls. He warns her that her mother is in town. Apparently she doesn't hear from her mom for months, then dreams about her being a slut on the beach in 1988 and the next day she shows up.
Harry can't talk for long because he's busy starring in a summer stock production of Newsies:
Savi continues to just hold on to the envelope containing the paternity of her unborn child. OPEN IT, FOOL. I'M DYING HERE.
Dr. Sun is at April's store or restaurant or whatever it is that she owns. Shocking. You know, since all of her patients kill themselves. April tells her she should hire an investigator to look into Tom's death. Or she can just move on and focus on the positive things in her life. She doesn't have any positive things though. She has a stalker, no clients and her ipad camera system doesn't work when she just smashes her finger into it over and over. What's positive in her life?
April is afraid Richard is going to break up with her if she tells him about Paul. She also wants to enjoy the fun part of the beginning of a relationship. You know, the part before you tell the new person you're dating that the person you married and then buried never actually died. That's always the WORST part of a relationship. I hate when we get to that point.
Janet goes to visit her other daughter, Joss. Joss calls her mommy and is, therefore, no longer my favorite.
"So you're a homeless lesbian with a crappy job and a withholding older sister," Janet says to Josslyn after she explains everything that's been going on in her life. Nailed it, Janet. You're my new favorite.
Josslyn and Janet head to lunch, but first Joss goes into Savi's office to try to drag her to lunch. She claims she's too busy and can't possibly go to lunch. She goes to EVERY OTHER MEAL (PLUS SNACKS) EVERY DAY, BUT SHE'S TOO BUSY TODAY? This isn't even remotely believable.
Oh, and then Savi tells Joss that she's got the paternity results back, but that she's a total asshole who hasn't even looked yet.
Savi finds time in her busy schedule to go to lunch with them, but she makes Joss promise not to tell their mother about this whole pregnancy thing.
They go to lunch at a place that looks like they're on a cruise ship.
It's really clear that Janet favors Josslyn. Duh. Josslyn goes on and on about Alex. She's at a yoga retreat so Janet won't get to meet her. Savi's a real bitch when Joss says that Janet will get to meet her next time she's in town. Hey, you banged your co-worker on your desk, Pot.
Janet announces she's moving to Brazil in 2 days.
Elsewhere, Dr. Sun calls a private investigator to discuss what she's trying to figure out. The PI is either missing one tooth or has a brown tooth. It's unclear. YES, SUN GETS OUT HER IPAD AGAIN. I love when that happens. Her doorbell rings so she checks to see who it is. I wish I had that technology. I just hide on the floor when my doorbell rings, hoping the person leaves. (Unless it's Fedex or UPS. I love their visits with gifts.)
It's Paul.
In non-continuity land, it's night time at April's and she lets Richard know she told Lucy about him. She invites him to Janet's going away party and then they go into his house to bang.
Janet wanders into Savi's room to talk. We find out that Savi's dad left when Janet had a baby with another man. No wonder Joss is so much cooler than Savi. They change the subject to discuss what's going on with Harry. Savi doesn't tell her what's going on.
Dr. Sun yells at Paul. He tells her he needs to talk to April. Paul calls Sun the reasonable one of the group. JUST as he said that I was typing that she's the least reasonable one of the group and Paul was an idiot for going to her first. I'd describe her as the group's loose cannon.
Janet's party looks terrible. It's Brazilian themed and there are like 8 people there. Two of them are kids so they don't even count as people.
Savi gets a call from work saying that new evidence has come in on the Thomas Grey death case. Uhoh, Sun. You are trouble, girrrrrl.
Josslyn asks Janet if she can come with her to Brazil to help her get set up. Janet clearly doesn't want her to come, but tells her she can anyway.
Sun and April go into Savi's bedroom (uh, why?) to discuss the Paul stuff. Sun tells April that Paul came to see her. April's obviously very upset. Sun tells her he needs to talk to her. April asks for Sun's advice, but she has none. EXCELLENT THERAPIST!
Over at Savi's office, Elizabeth is meeting with Dominic because she's lost her entire settlement. New evidence has come to light that he was suicidal at the time of his death. He shows her Dr. Sun's notes. Elizabeth says it's impossible that the notes are from when they say they are. Tom was in Hawaii with Elizabeth when Dr. Sun says he was in a session. SHE'S THE WORST AT HER JOB AND AT LIFE.
Elizabeth wants Dominic to get to the bottom of Dr. Sun's lying.
Back at the party Josslyn tells Savi she's going to Rio with their mom. Then Harry comes in and tends to a burn Savi just endured when she tried to cook. He asks her if she's going to tell her mom that she's pregnant. He thinks that if Savi's pregnant that Janet will stay in town. Don't count on it, she says.
Why is Richard just wandering around a stranger's house? April finds him and doesn't think it's weird. She says she feels sick so they decide to leave.
Harry tries to leave, but Janet begs him to stay. She says all men cheat, but it shouldn't break up a marriage. SO THINGS ARE GETTING AWKWARD. Janet figures out that Savi was the cheater and runs to chase her when she walks out of the house. Then Savi lets Janet know that she was a pretty awful mom because she was never there. Janet seems to think she was always there, but Savi lets her know that she was never there. "I did my best," Janet says. Did you? (You didn't.)
Paul comes over to April's to do some more whisper-talking to her. She won't invite him in, but asks why he's there. "I want to see Lucy," he says. THAT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.
The next morning Janet and Savi have another heart to heart. Janet apologizes for never saying the right thing. But she doesn't apologize for being a terrible mother. Janet tells her that she's in awe of the woman that Savi has become. It's real moving and stuff.
OPEN THE GODDAMN PATERNITY RESULTS, PLEASE.
"Do you know anything about firewalls," the PI asks Sun. He clearly hasn't been around her for more than 20 seconds if he even asks that question. She's dumb as rock. He tells her he can't find what she needs so she just needs to ask Elizabeth if she killed Tom. He's a real sleuth.
April tells Richard about Paul.
Janet leaves for Brazil without Josslyn, but with a 20-year-old bartender. Wow, she really learned a lesson from all that stuff Savi said the day before. MOTHER OF THE YEAR. (I hate you now, Janet. You really hurt Joss. [My heart is broken for her.])
Luckily Savi is there to pick up the pieces again. Joss thanks her for being her mom her whole life. It's REAL sweet.
Then Savi has Josslyn open the paternity results, BUT WE DON'T SEE IT.
Dr. Sun calls her office to...YOU GUESSED IT...CANCEL ALL OF HER AFTERNOON APPOINTMENTS because she's going to Malibu. As she gets in her car she's served papers by Elizabeth's lawyer.
WAIIIIIIIT, MISTRESSES IS OFF FOR 3 WEEKS?!??! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT UNTIL AUGUST 19TH?!??!?
Big Brother: 7.26.13; Or: The One Where I Introduce Kaitlin to Michelle Bachmann
It's so hard to recap this show because every single time I watch it it's like I'm just meeting a house full of new people. No one looks familiar. Ever. I feel like Julie Chen is duping me every Thursday by just changing the entire house. Also, every other season that I've watched I've kind of kept up with their shenanigans online, but this season I couldn't care less. Unless, of course, the house caught on fire and we [tragically] lost them all. (That would be a real shame. Humanity would probably never find a way to fully recover from the loss.)
Julie Chen looks like she's wearing what she thought people wear on sailboats. It's like her first date is on a sailboat, but she's never been on a sailboat, but she wants her date (not Les Moonves) to think she's been on a sailboat.
Anyway, it's the first week of the summer where a lady will for sure be going home.
Quick rundown: Judd is HOH. He nominated Kaitlin and Aaryn for eviction. I've never seen Katilin before in my life and I've only seen Aaryn because she's the one who is the most racist. Spencer and Howard formed an alliance, make some deals, etc. Everyone panics about the BBMVP twist. America voted Elissa as the third nominee. Uh, what? She's the only one who I:
1. Know
2. Don't totally hate
Nice work, America. Anyway, no one knows who put up Elissa. Everyone just runs around panicking and playing with their hair.
In more important news, this douchebag wore this:
(IMPORTANT NOTE TO AMERICA: The gay people that you see on reality television are not the norm, despite being THE ONLY ONES YOU SEE ON [REALITY] TELEVISION. Keep that in mind when you vote and stuff. [And maybe go watch an episode of The Fosters. Or even Mistresses, for God's sake.])
Elissa saved herself and Ginamarie became America's next nominee. THERE, AMERICA. You got it right. Although I'd love to see her cry into a stranger's underwear again.
Julie proceeds to recap what has happened all week. Even though WE JUST SAW A RECAP OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED ALL WEEK.
Ginamarie is totally confused as to why she's on the block. She's also confused about the Earth being round and how being alive works.
Aaryn has one messed up grill on her face. If she wins this game she should spend the money on getting those teeth fixed. She'll never rise the ranks of the Klan with a mouth like that.
Everyone does their campaigning. It's thrilling.
I'd love a time-lapse video watching the houseguests get progressively fatter as the summer progresses.
I almost never know what Judd is saying. He's certainly never speaking the English language.
I say this every years, but I'm saying it again: I'd be terrible at this game. I'd either:
1. Hide in a corner the entire time, never learning anyone's name.
2. Somehow drink enough poison to die.
My two least favorite things are strangers and idiots. And this show is the cream of both those crops. (I also hate mushrooms.)
Aaryn is really working Helen. She tells her she'll throw HOH or give them (Helen and Elissa) the nominating power if she does win. Helen drags Elissa to the pantry to tell her the plan. Helen seems to think Kaitlin is the bigger threat, but Elissa hates Aaryn. A rift might be brewing.
I really don't enjoy this show.
News of the new alliance puts the nail in Kaitlin's coffin. (I've never seen Kaitlin so I don't know if I should be excited about this.)
Elissa tells Kaitlin that she isn't safe. Everyone is secretly out to get her. Hey, cool it, Elissa. It's supposed to be a secret. This causes Aaryn to pull Helen aside to tell her what she overheard. Uhoh, Helen is pissed.
Why is their pool table so tiny? They have a normal size backyard that would fit a normal size pool table.
(I'm ready for this to end. I'm going to do some fast forwarding and stuff.)
HI, JULIE! Julie tells Judd that Twitter is abuzz with talk of his bear shirt. He mumbles some indecipherable gibberish. Then Julie says she'll wear the shirt next week. Please let that happen.
Wait, they had a competition where they had to suck frozen yogurt out of a machine?!?!?! My dream for years was to suck Diet Coke out of a fountain. (I finally saw that dream realized at the Universal lot commissary a few years ago. [So if any of you are reading this from there, uh, my mouth's been on that fountain drink machine.])
So I guess this is the first and last time I'll even see Kaitlin. I'll really miss her.
Julie asks Kaitlin why she bolted out of the house. Apparently she's been unaware that she's been playing a game for the last month and says it's because everyone worked behind her back to get her out. (Kaitlin looks like she should be the star of a Lifetime movie.)
Julie lets Kaitlin know that the internet has been calling her alliance (Aaryn and Ginamarie) the Mean Girls. She's shocked. I mean, she's from Minnesota. No one in Minnesota is mean at all!
Oh hi, Kaitlin, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Her name is Michelle Bachmann. She represents Minnesota's 6th district in the United States House of Representatives. AND SHE'S A REAL DOOZY.
Apparently America gets to vote on the 3rd nominee again this week. Oh, I can't wait to vote. (I'm totally kidding. Unless they start letting us vote for who gets to go up against a firing squad I'll be abstaining from voting.)
Time for the HOH competition. It's kind of like Roulette or Plinko. It's a game of chance!
Ugh, Aaryn wins. Oh, great. Everyone seems just absolutely thrilled to be alive!
Then they end the show by wasting some time by interviewing former-houseguest/current-idiot. They should have just cut to a black screen and played dead air for 8 minutes.
Some fool scheduled their child's birthday party on the night of Catfish so I am just now watching it. It's like I went 2 days without oxygen heroin oxygen and I'm finally getting some.
I really like the names of the two people tonight. Dorion. Do you think his parents were Oscar Wilde fans and the hospital screwed up the spelling? (I doubt it.)
And the real kicker...her name is Jeszica. Not Jessica. No, that would be too easy. JesZica. That Z classes up the name times 1000.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ are in Los Angeles when they get an email from Dorion. He's in love or something with Jeszica. Well, he's actually torn between two broads. He's been dating a lady named Raffinee (I'll give you a little time to take that one in.), but he's also only dating Jeszica. Jeszica looks like a tranny, but to each his own, I guess. She's beat up, yo. (She's more or less a monster. I mean, she actually looks deformed.)
She looks like a Criminal Minds episode. Like all of her parts were removed from a bunch of other people and glued on one face. (You're welcome, Criminal Minds, I just wrote you an unsub for next season. Hi, Joe Mantegna!)
He met Jeszica at a real tough time in his life. He was homeless. Of course he was.
Oh, Jeszica is a model and college student. WE'RE ALL MODELS AND COLLEGE STUDENTS. Hey catfishers, get a new gig. No one is buying into this "I model on my days off from nursing school" nonsense you're spewing. Who am I kidding? Every man on the internet is buying that nonsense.
Oh, and she has a kid. SHE'S VERY BUSY.
Dorion trusts Jeszica more than anyone. They talk and text all the time, but [SPOILER ALERT!!] they've never video chatted. Probably because Jeszica is really busy with her important life.
So Raffinee is "letting" Dorion go through with this because she wants him to make up his mind: her or the fake weirdo on the internet.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ video chat with Dorion. He's so excited to be alive. I don't think I've ever been as excited as he is at this exact moment. To be honest, it doesn't seem like that great of a time to be excited. His life is in turmoil. But whatever. You do you, Dorion.
Apparently Jeszica came to Atlanta (near where Dorion lives) two times to meet him, but they didn't answer her phone when they were supposed to meet. I'd venture to guess she didn't waste time coming to Atlanta.
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ head to Cartersville, Georgia. "Is this an actual ghost town," I mutter, out loud. Seriously, is this a ghost town? I once stopped for gas in a town in California that turns out had been totally burned to the ground so I've been into ghost towns ever since.
They arrive at his house. Well, it's not his house so much as it is Raffinee's house. That's cool. Just bring the crew helping you find some internet prostitute into the house your girlfriend has been kind enough to let you live in SO THAT YOU AREN'T HOMELESS AGAIN.
Dorion has some pretty pink shoes with Raffinee's name stitched into them. I wish they had Jeszica's name in them. Raffinee has matching ones. It's very sweet. Or something.
Dorion is into Jeszica because she reminds him of his mom. (Because she goes to school, works, pays the bills and is a mother.) I REALLY HOPE JESZICA TURNS OUT TO BE HIS MOM!
Anyway, it's REAL creepy that he wants to bang his mom. #Gross
Dorion feels real bad and stuff about having two girlfriends. Not bad enough to not giggle and make light of it, but bad.
Oh, and look how excited to be alive Raffinee looks:
TRUE LOVE!
Dorion says Raffinee tells him she's OK with all of this (is she retarded?), but he doesn't think she's OK.
Then they go and look at Jeszica's profile. There are no pictures of her baby. It's because the baby is always napping when the camera is out. Got it. That's believable.
Oh, and then Dorion says there used to be 4 pages using Jeszica's name, but only some used the same pictures. So they do a search and there's 250,000 (rough estimate) Jeszica Monique Morrison pages. I mean, that is a VERY common name so this could all turn out just fine. (This will not be turning out just fine.)
Jeszica has told Dorion that a lot of people on the internet are trying to be her, but she's totally real. He kind of doubts it, but not enough to STOP TALKING TO HER.
Jeszica doesn't know about Raffinee. Dorion put a picture up of them once and Jeszica went nuts so he took it down.
Let's meet Raffinee please! PLEASE!
First Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ head back to the hotel to do some research on this creep. They reach out to some people on her Facebook page that seem to actually know her. One gentleman named Sammie is missing his boo so they message him. He calls back and tells them he and Jeszica had been online/phone dating until ONE WEEK AGO and then she disappeared.
Then the ol' image search takes place and the picture brings up like EVERY SINGLE PAGE ON THE INTERNET. She's listed as one of MySpace's most faked girls. Really? HER?
Yes! Time to meet Raffinee. She's obviously not thrilled to be here. "I'm not happy," she says, before saying that Dorion is her first love and best friend, and then wandering out of the house crying.
Dorion and Raffinee seem TOTALLY IN LOVE. (No, they don't. They don't even look like they know each other.)
Raffinee is really just hoping Jeszica isn't real so Dorion can let her go. She loves him and doesn't want to let him go. (Uh, let him go.)
Nev Campbell and Silver Fox™ show Dorion all the fake pages. Then they question the fact that none of her fake pages show her daughter. "I don't like being lied to," he says. Huh. I would never have guessed that based on EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED THIS EPISODE. It appears that being lied to is one of your favorite things. (If Dorion were Oprah it would be a Favorite Thing™, even.)
Dorion can't believe that Jeszica and Sammie had been "dating" up until a week ago. He still wants to meet her. You're blowing my mind, Dorion.
Nev Campbell calls Jeszica to surprise her with the fact that her story is about to be told on national TV. She agrees to meet everyone. Apparently she's in Texas City, Texas. (The model-slash-nurse capital of the World, if you as me!) Also a ghost town.
The next morning the gang all heads to Texas for this [sure-to-be] debacle.
Every episode right before they reveal the Catfisher I feel like I'm going to throw up. (You'd think all of this somehow affected my life.)
Here's the real Jeszica:
Oh, and her name is Alexis.
"What was real," Dorion asks her. "Everything," she says. You know, except EVERYTHING.
She says she loves him and he means the world to her. So it totally makes sense that she broke up with her other internet boyfriend last week. It's hard loving so many people, you know? IT'S HARD.
Dorion seems the most upset about the fact that Alexis lied to him about having a baby. REALLY? That's the worst part of this? THAT SHOULD BE THE BEST PART OF THIS. No baby! Alexis' niece was "around a lot" so she totally felt like a daughter to Alexis. EXCELLENT LIE, ALEXIS. NICE WORK COMING UP WITH THAT ONE ON THE FLY!
Alexis apologizes about all the lying and stuff. Then they ask her about Sammie. She claims he's just a good friend of hers. "My feelings for Dorion were way stronger than any of those relationships," she says. THOSE RELATIONSHIPS? Why does no one catch that slip? There were more dudes than just Dorion and Sammie. ASK HER MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT.
This broad needs to be institutionalized.
Then Dorion lets Alexis know that he's dating Raffinee. Dorion has some things to think about. The boys head back to the hotel to do some talking and stuff. Dorion has to make a decision. "I have to decide which one of them I'm going to be in love with," he says. THAT'S TOTALLY HOW IT WORKS!
He makes his decision overnight. He video chats with Raffinee to tell her he chose her. She's happy, but it's going to "take a minute" to get back to how things were. Dorion is willing to work to fix the things he's broken. Until the next time some blow-up doll messages him on Facebook and he falls in love again.
Dorion calls Alexis to tell her he wants to meet and talk. So they meet and talk. Alexis tells him that she's really upset that he lied to her about being in a relationship with Raffinee. HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH, YOU'RE MAD? You're spinning this all wrong, broad. You made up pictures, modeling, nursing school, and a baby. YOU'RE THE BAD ONE HERE.
"I don't want to pursue a relationship with you," he says. To which she responds: "it's totally understandable. I honestly feel the same way." Suuuuuure you do, Alexis. Bitch, you crazy! (I feel like this isn't the last we'll see of her. She'll be on trial for murder sometime in the nearish future.)
I don't know how I felt about this episode. STEP IT UP, CATFISH.
Let's talk for a second about how much I love Mistresses. I love it. Monday nights have turned into my favorite night of TV this summer. I mean, can you even name a better two-hour block than The Foster's (ABC Family) and Mistresses (ABC)? Be still my heart, Disney conglomerates. I love you!
Even you, little Shannyn Sossamon, have captured my heart.
How'd this show go from "I'm going to jokingly watch Mistresses" to "IT'S SUNDAY, I CAN'T WAIT FOR MISTRESSES TOMORROW"?!?!?! (I don't know if I'll ever be able to answer that question.)
Paul is alive. April is screaming at him for being alive. "I faked my death," he says. Makes sense. Lucy threw up in car pool so April makes Paul leaves. He tells her where he's staying because he needs to talk to her.
Over at Savi and Harry's, they're talking like civilized individuals in their exquisite kitchen.
"It's a little after noon, shouldn't you be at work," Paul asks her, as though she's ever been at work before dusk. "Oh, I'm going in a little late today," she says, as though she's ever gone in not late before.
Josslyn and Alex are out and about shopping since they're roommates now and Joss hates Alex's apartment. Guess who they see? Sally! That bitch ALREADY has a new girlfriend. Shocking! (Is it? Not really.) Her girlfriend is super ugly and named Story. Seriously, she's one of the ugliest people I've ever seen on the TV. She's certainly no Shannyn Sossamon. The run-in is super awkward. Alex says she's fine because she's the one who broke up with Sally. (I doubt she's fine.)
April goes to Paul's motel to slap him and then find out why he faked his own death. He doesn't even make up some wild excuse about the mob being after him or something. He did it because IN HIGH SCHOOL he promised her all these things he didn't deliver on so, you know, he faked his own death. That makes total sense. Oh, and he's been living with his mistress and that kid for the past three years. WHAT THE HELL, PAUL? You're a dick. Turn him into the police, April. Or kill him yourself. He's sketchy.
Savi is at her gynecologist. I hope she doesn't have to stay there for 10 hours like last week. She's REAL depressed at the appointment.
Where's Dr. Sun?
"You were my everything," Paul tells April. Well, except for my mistresses. You and my mistress were my everything.
Paul claims that he had no idea that Miranda was coming to meet April. Then he lets her know that Miranda has been tracking her bank account. You know, since she didn't change her password and Paul gave her said password. APRIL, WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID? Go change your password online from your phone RIGHT NOW. STUPID WOMAN. STUPID, STUPID WOMAN. (She'll probably forget to change her password.)
Anyway, I don't know who to believe here. Paul is probably lying.
Savi is finally at work. Everyone is looking at her like she has tiny hands. (It's because Harry punched Dominic last week.) She has some random office worker deliver some papers to Dominic so she doesn't have to see him. Surprise! They're "SIGN OVER YOUR PARENTAL RIGHTS IF THIS BABY TURNS OUT BLACK" papers. He's not thrilled.
Josslyn is at work and Olivier seems to be liking her a bit more. He asks for help with some property he's developing. He's totally faking that French accent, right?
OH, HEY DR. SUN. Of course, not at work. She's roaming around Santa Monica, giggling and stuff. She sees Harry looking at the water, contemplating life. She stops to talk because she totally has time since she doesn't have any patients and only goes to work to check on her computer and to see if anyone has broken in and whatnot.
She tells him that if he ever wants to talk she's available. Like really, really available because she doesn't have a single patient. He says he can't really talk to her since she's Savi's best friend, but then he proceeds to talk and talk. I can't focus much because he mentions that Dr. Sun surfs and my mind is blown. Her?
Anyway, Harry says that Savi thinks they're on the mend, but they aren't really. He thinks he'll be able to get past her banging a dude on her desk, but he won't be able to get past the baby not being his. She tells him he'd be surprised at what he's capable of. Will he?
Josslyn gets home to find Alex internet-stalking Sally. Alex doesn't even understand how Sally and Story can already be a Facebook couple. Joss consoles Alex by rubbing her hair. Then kissing her. Then banging her. Just as friends are wont to do.
Dr. Sun goes to her office to check on her files. She sees that Sam is now seeing her partner as a therapist. Sam is a real creep.
April calls Dr. Sun to see if she can round up the troops so they can discuss the fact that Paul is alive. Luckily Dr. Sun doesn't have any patients so she was already on her way home.
All the broads meet to discuss what's happening. Every time the 4 of them are together I feel like someone is missing, but I can never figure out who it is. (It's because no one is actually missing.) Josslyn says she's going to kill Paul. Get in line!
None of them know what to believe. They can't figure out if Paul's lying, if they're both lying, if anyone knows anything about anything. Joss thinks they were in cahoots, then they turned on each other, then Paul decided to kill Miranda and take all the money they were cahooting for. "Cahoots happens," she says. Marry me, Joss, I say.
The next morning things are a little weird with Alex and Josslyn. Uh, maybe because you guys banged? That probably makes things a little weird. Alex tells Joss that she like-likes her so they can't be friends anymore. Joss makes Alex feel safe. Oh no, she's really in love with her. Now I'm sad. GET BACK TOGETHER, YOU TWO.
Dr. Sun actually arrives at her office at a normal hour, but she's getting dressed while she walks in. Oh, and she doesn't stay. She just comes to talk to her partner about the fact that he's treating Sam. Turns out he canceled the second appointment and the doctor is worried and wants Dr. Sun to talk to Sam's mom. THAT'LL GO OVER WELL, I'M SURE.
April is at her house setting up a plan to make sure Paul and Miranda run into each other so she can see if Miranda really does know Paul is alive.
Josslyn goes to Savi's office (WHY IS SHE THERE? IT'S MORNING!) to discuss the Alex thing. But Savi can't really do this chat right now so Joss storms off. Savi is a sucky sister.
Now it's night. THE CONTINUITY IN THIS SHOW IS WORSE THAN THAT ON SWITCHED AT BIRTH.
Sam shows up at Dr. Sun's house to tell her he's in love with her and he's sorry she's scared of him. Maybe stop breaking into her place of kind of business and stop stalking her. That'll make you less scary, weirdo.
Sam's psychotic.
AND THEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS (Bat For Lashes' SAD EYES) ON THE PLANET PLAYS AND I'M A WEEPY MESS. (Although I wish it would have played over a Alex/Joss scene because then it would have been REAL emotional.)
Harry is really sad in the kitchen. He tells Savi he can't raise the baby if it's not his so she's going to have to make a choice: him or the baby. (Does anyone blame him?)
April's plan for Miranda to see Paul works. Surprise! She's not surprised to see him. So April promptly takes back the check that she used to lure Miranda to the meeting. This Paul-April thing is boring me to tears. Paul and Miranda do some fighting. April tells them to go back to the Florida swamp from which they crawled.
Josslyn and Olivier are at their meeting, but luckily everyone else is late so they have time to talk. She tells him that she's confused and sad about Alex not wanting to be friends with her anymore. She says the friendship is the single most important thing in her life right now. He tells her that she's not a quitter and if the relationship really matters she'll find a way to keep it. YES, GO DATE ALEX. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. STOP BEING A SLUT AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Savi tells Harry that she's having the baby either way. She wishes he'd be on board either way. Bitch, it's not that easy. He just doesn't have any fight left in him.
Joss has set up a sprawling Mexican feast at Alex's to try to win her over. They decide to try to date. YAY! I LOVE THEM. I HOPE THIS WORKS OUT! (This is totally not going to work out.)
Oh, and Savi gets the paternity test in the mail. She promptly puts it in her desk and locks the drawer. OPEN IT, STUPID. OPEN IT!
Hello, everyone. Here's Justin Case's weekly installment of drug addicts being too dumb to realize they're about to be interventioned. Also, if you'd like to check out Justin's (and some other people whose names I don't know) excellent podcast go here: http://www.whmpodcast.com/
It’s all hitting me now. This is really happening. Is it really over? I don’t know what I’m saying!
Intervention’s farewell episode is a fever dream. We never really get introduced to Eric (our hero-in crisis) he just kinda shows up and is all of a sudden smoking dope on the roof.
It's mentioned briefly that Eric was a Marine. Maybe this is all shell shock.
Additionally, there’s much mention of a raccoon that may or may not be living in the basement with him.
First thing Eric said after trying the drug was:
Want a sneak peek?
Here’s what Eric thinks every time he sees a boom mic:
He means to say this.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WvufFwdqMzg#t=53s)
It’s more Waiting for Guffman (Guffman being a man that sells drugs) than a traditional Intervention: Prime. I call it Prime in hopes… desperate hopes the cancellation is just a jumping off point for spinoffs. A ‘vention franchise. Ice Tea and Munch could take turns as interventionists. History will remain incomplete, human kind imperfect unless those guys lead an intervention. Our journey has just begun.
If something happen to him, I would blame myself. - Eric's Father
Eric almost immediately falls off a ladder. I think you just did, daddy.
A good amount of the episode is culled from Valerie’s submission video.
Oh… you don’t know Valerie? Claire’s employee of the month three months running! (she probably owns the Clair’s) Valerie is Eric’s ex-girlfriend and front runner to play Audrey in the Little Rascal Playhouse’s production of Little Shop of Horrors.
And according to Eric.. her "hooters look huge right now." Giggle.
Eric is a master thief. He steals air conditioners right outta windows and expensive vacuum cleaners from department stores. What's his edge? It's simple silly. He gets doped out of his mind, walks in and steals them. He steals from Target constantly. I suppose big corporate thievery is a staple of the American organism but Eric brings it all to a new level. He threatens the security folks if they try to stop him. I would be less interested in the theft and more in the skuzzy Pawn shop owner that buys the items fifteen minutes later. Where's Lester Freamon when you need him?
With no mention of PTSD, we'll have to assume it was the pressure of growing up in the shadow of his brothers, famous celebrities and pipe enthusiasts.
A case could further be made that it was very traumatic for Eric to realize that after returning from a War on Terror his brothers are still asshole Boston cops that clearly like beating on black kids for not “movin’ when they supposed to” The fallout must have been tremendous. But in spite of all that. Eric makes a full recovery. A female interventionist who probably plays bass guitar leads the groups but doesn't do a heck of lot. Eric accepts treatment and is now one of 156 people that have stayed sober past their Intervention. Inspired no doubt by Valerie's impassioned plea for him to accept treatment.
I've asked my best friend (a Robot) to help us out here.
Five Steps it's 0verrrrr
The season closes with a nice Guess Who of Whos, a round robin of former addicts.
Your New Background:
I’m going to throw up! Check the car, Barry.
So Intervention is over. I started to feel withdrawal almost immediately. The parade just ended and it's started to rain. Fortunately in the absence of pill grifters, sex swappers and smack swindlers.
I have everything else on television ever to make fun of. Watch out world. I just kicked the habit.
Behind the scenes, I've got a real 'vention situation of my own. Not have... had.
I've seen a friend fight and win a serious drug addiction. I remain in unearthly awe and jaw-dropping respect for anyone that's been asked a really shitty question and answered, "Yes, I'll go."
I discovered the 1992 Lifetime movie, A CHILD LOST FOREVER, yesterday and I can safely say that it has changed my life. It’s my favorite movie. Not Lifetime movie. MOVIE MOVIE. I can’t get enough of this film movie. So I recorded my favorite scenes and had someone ( www.4adfan.com if you’re wondering) edit it together for me so I could watch it over and over. (And I have. It’s starting to take over my life.)
A couple of things.
1. Beverly D’Angelo is 40. For the first 20 minutes of this gem she plays “a minor."
2. The 2nd scene is when she’s in solitary confinement at a juvenile detention center. (Still a minor.) There’s a window that’s nearly the size of one ENTIRE wall. And when the baby kicks? That’s the scene every acting teacher should use to show people how to act.
3. She’s no longer a minor at this point in the talkie. That’s how she’s able to be dancing at this trendy nightclub. The other lady in that scene (You know, the one she points and winks at?) is her daughter. (Not the child she gave up for adoption. That’s Dennis. Spoiler alert: He’s dead [and she doesn’t know yet]. His grave comes into play next.) I could watch her dance for the rest of my life. (In fact, it’s playing on a loop in my head right now.)
4. Speaking of Dennis’ grave. Does anyone know where she can find it? She’s lookin’.
5. Still lookin’. Thank God she found this creep who knows exactly where it is. What if he hadn’t been in the cemetery that day? What if he didn’t know the layout of every single grave in the cemetery? Would she have found the grave? Would she have announced to another stranger, “I’m lookin’ for a grave," later? I have a lot of questions.
(ADDENDUM: I just realized said "creep" is from Waiting For Guffman. My head can officially burst.)
6. I don’t buy street drugs so when she goes looking for microfilm, does she actually mean drugs? Why is she so suspicious? What is she eating?
Thank you for making this movie, Everyone involved.
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