I don't think I've ever been so lost in my entire life.... I have so much love and so much pain at the same time... I hardly know what to do with myself.... Walking around like a shell of a person just surviving on auto pilot. Must eat, must sleep, must soak, must hand sanitize... 5 times every ten minutes???? Can we say OCD... cause without psyche meds I'm even more loud and obnoxious than I was before. Only now I'm lost and.... sadddddd. Sad Sad boiiiii... That's what she always told me. And now I'm sad and wondering if I'll ever have the family I always dreamt of. Something in my heart told me to run off and join the freedom fighters.... so idk man. I've been having an existential crisis from the day I was born. You can ask any of my teachers. "what's wrong?" To which the reply was usually... "idk, everything?" I guess that's what you learn how to say when you have zero safety or stability and the only contentment you know becomes the bottom of a bottle??? At 12 thoooo like okkkkk. Idk. I've been mezzed up my whole life. But only enough to be able to be called normal... While also being the opposite. I am not Neurotypical I am a bundle of anxiety fear and desperation sometimes. All I've ever wanted was safety security someone to wrap their arms around me and never leave. And now... Here I am again.... Alone and desperate for someone to care. It hurts so much knowing how many people have loved me and left. Women seem to fall madly in love and then change their mind and run in the opposite direction and I honestly have no idea why. Do i see too much? Do I say too much? Why do they have to leave after loving me? Why can they only care at a distance? Why??? Do I really hurt people that much by asking them to take a look in the mirror and treat me with honor and respect??? Why is loving once person at a time so impossible for others? I understand poly whatever, but dear GODDDDDDD could we at least talk about it first>>>>> The thing that has hurt me more than anything in the world is being loved in secret/// No one should ever have to be a secret. No one should ever be whispering behind your back and telling other people how horrible you are. That is not love. That is pain and fear. I get it.... hurt people hurt people. Unfortunately, I have always had the motto that you do your best to leave people places and things better than when you found them. Cleaning trash in a park.... Offering someone hungry some food. Loving the pain all the way out of someone... I don't think I've ever done that before. I don't know if it's even possible, but I don't think I'll ever stop trying if I'm being honest. And right now... HONEST is all I'm trying to be. My soul is all that I have left, and I will make peace with this one way or another.
jacobvanloon
gummygunk
snowghoul
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
annaxmalina