Figments

[redicurious]

The ex gave me a new URL and brand new space for my rants.

I was so touched, I cried.

So, here goes.

[redicurious]

How wonderful it is, to imagine a world without, me.

[wnq-writers]

“You scare me, ’ he said. ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘Because I tell you things I can’t even tell myself.’

mysheriamour (via wnq-writers)

And I want you to tell me things you can't even tell yourself.

[aseaofquotes]

Stephen King, Bag of Bones

[redicurious]

And yes, it is a rare kind of happiness I doubt anyone but me would understand. 

But I am :)

[redicurious]

Naughty confessions

The conversations finally took a turn to talk about that particular day. After a day of him skirting around the topic, switching on the charms, full blast, no less.

Thrice, as I tried to steer the conversation away, he swayed to how he was distracted by me. 

And then the witty comebacks to the suggestive jokes to what was once, us.

The day we put our poker faces to the ultimate challenge.

I thought we aced it. 

It only hit me after it all ended, after we had parted our ways.

"It was seamless."

I didn't think you would notice, though the thought did cross my mind it might be a secret, cheeky joke between the two of us.

"The dress hugged you well."

Nope. Not gonna let you drag me down the rabbit hole again. 

"Your bra was that colour. I noticed."

I am not gonna be an enabler again.

"You were carrying your black bag."

"You were wearing a watch with pink face."

"Your face looked flushed."

No no no. Hold it together. I am not gonna give in to what you are doing to me again.

He started describing my ever detail.

And I didn't even catch him sneaking me a look nor throwing me a glance throughout.

Wow. I am definitely impressed. 

But that was his way of telling me that he was doing things in his mind to me, and I had sneakily invaded his imagination, without intentionally doing so.

This was how he threw a spanner to the situation where we had tried pretending nothing ever happened.

"Naughty confession. The thought crossed my mind. How badly I wanted to rip the top of your dress, flip the skirt up, tear your undies, and turn you around."

I guess that meant all bets were off?

"Were you mentally raping me when you saw me?" I think that was his way of wanting validation and attention. And I have no idea when did he start to up his game to this level.

Or perhaps, the weeks of suppressing all these desires had made him more expressive than I remember him to be.

Well, what harm can words be? Since we have relegated to the comfort of not taking responsibilities nor actions for our words. 

A quiet understanding we have reached.

"No. I wasn't. In the version in my head, it was you dominating me. That was my way of punishing you."

"How is that punishing me?"

"Sometimes to gain control, it is by relinquishing it."

He didn't understand.

"Well, it is an act of defiance. To make you give in. That you have to vent it all ot out on me, forcing it out of you, out of your comfort zone." I smirked.

Just like how you always said how you are sometimes so pissed off with me, that you just wanna take me so hard.

Just like how I would walk one step backwards, just so you would walk one step forward. 

Me - 2. Him -1.

You crossed the line first this time round, so, I am just going with the flow.

How would you do it?

The way you like it. On a table. Just so you couldn't say no.

You got my attention.

"Naughty confession. The day when I saw you again, I got home and took matters into my own hands, imagining it was all you."

Because, we know fully well the safety of words these days.

[aseaofquotes]

Robyn Schneider, Extraordinary Means

[redicurious]

The unspoken

It was the first time we met again after that conversation that pretty much brought us back to the level of friends, despite the constant emotional support he craved.

Besides the attention, obviously.

And how reactive he was when I just couldn't take it anymore, and I received what was perhaps one of the first phone calls from him.

I had to take a picture to assure him I was in the midst of a meeting, and not actually throwing a tantrum to avoid him.

Ironically, I thought my disappearance will actually do him good. 

I think he never did realise how selfish he was. 

There was never space for a "you". But that unawareness, is perhaps what brought some form of comfort to me, he isn't intentionally taking advantage of that, nor was he intentionally disregarding all that I was going through or feeling.

He simply doesn't have the emotional, logical spectrum to work it all out himself, which was the reason why he thought he needed me as a friend all along.

He had fun being in control.

Alas, I didn't tell him, me making him thinking that he has all the control, was my way of having control.

I saw how far he would take it, and my dear, you are playing it all wrong.

It did hurt. But you don't have to know.

Surprisingly, I could bear your presence in my atmosphere, as we both pretended that we didn't have quite a ride for the past half a year. 

Like a dirty little secret, shared only between the both of us, while the world looks on and makes jokes at the expense of us.

Little did they know...

[redicurious]

Gone.

[redicurious]

I'm not mad

... at you.

One of the hardest things to read, was when you pleaded, "Please don't be mad at me."

That was when I really wanted to hold you and tell you everything is ok, and it isn't what you think it is. I wanted to say everything that was on my mind, I wasn't mad, I was morbidly afraid.

And the realisation of that fear made me wanna run.

And ran, I did.

I'm sorry.

But you would only be upset for a little while, because, you will miss being understood.

But would you actually miss, me?

And then, I swallowed back the words that are probably better left unsaid.

[redicurious]

[redicurious]

Sometimes when we touch...

[redicurious]

可以了

寂寞攀附在等過的門 地板裂縫在時間的河 愛與恨總是一線之隔 這樣下去也不是不可 我們 一路停停走走 越來越不知道自己要的是什麼 我們我們 誰也不肯承認 喔 摀住了耳朵 聽見的笑聲 是假的 真的可以了 我可以了 放棄相愛資格 耽誤的青春 是美好的 天真 你的痕跡還在我這 像塵埃沒有分寸 如影隨形著 狂妄刺痛著 我 真的可以了 我可以了 或許不置可否 讓我當那個 提分手的 罪人 走不到的路就算了 我們永遠停在這了 不在乎的 沒有捨不得 我們我們 誰也不肯承認 喔 飄忽的眼神 絕緣的體溫 是真的 真的可以了 我可以了 放棄相愛資格 耽誤的青春 是美好的 天真 你的痕跡還在我這 像塵埃沒有分寸 如影隨形著 狂妄刺痛著 我 真的可以了 我可以了 或許不置可否 讓我當那個 提分手的 罪人 走不到的路就算了 我們永遠停在這了 愛不愛了 成為過去了 走不到的路就算了 我們永遠停在這了 愛不愛了 成為過去了 只是朋友 我們可以了

[redicurious]

Bugs - Mr Robot

Debugging's actually all about finding the bug, about understanding why the bug was there to begin with, about knowing that its existence was no accident. It came to you to deliver a message, like an unconscious bubble floating to the surface, popping with a revelation you've secretly known all along.

A bug is never just a mistake. It represents something bigger. An error of thinking. That makes you who you are.

This the world we live in. People relying on each other's mistakes to manipulate one another and use one another, even relate to one another. A warm, messy circle of humanity. That's the only way to protect myself. Never show them my source code. Close myself off. Create my cold, perfect maze where no one can ever find me. Bugs usually get a bad rap. But sometimes... When a bug finally makes itself known, it can be exhilarating, like you just unlocked something. grand opportunity waiting to be taken advantage of. Because, after all, a bug's only purpose, it's only reason for existence is to be a mistake that needs fixing, to help you right a wrong. And what feels better than that?

The bug forces the software to adapt, evolve into something new because of it. Work around it or work through it. No matter what, it changes. It becomes something new. The next version. The inevitable upgrade.

And... I'm a bug. I'm your bug.

[redxnightmarext]

Mr. Robot

[redicurious]

How do I

... Deal with all these?

I just deal with my past the way I do when I look onto myself in the mirror.

I pretend like I don't resent it. With indifference. 

But I never said it didn't hurt. 

[redicurious]

10 Things I wish I’d known About Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality. There’s a good chance that you now know …

I always knew. Pays to have a good memory, and ample experiences with gaslighters.

There is a compelling reason why everything I related is always, always backed up by facts or records. 

I don't quite fancy when someone tries to distort my reality just because his own is badly-mutilated by no other but himself.

[redicurious]

The eternal question

I can't help but think back of the relative "evil" I have conveniently turned a blind eye to.

Yours. Mine. His.

We could find all the excuses that besieged us in this quagmire if we want to. You. And him. And her. 

And I.

Which part of myself, made my addiction to you possible? Which part of myself, was readily available to the abuse you delicately crafted?

Without an answer, a doubt is casted over everything I thought I knew about myself. 

The only consolation is, there is no doubt about what I know about you now.

And I have never been surer.