Subtype Trait Structures: sx4
Devaluation is present in the repertoire of defense mechanisms of this enneatype in all subtypes. The difference in the sexual E4 is that it tends more to projection, to devalue the other, and to openly blame him for his shortcomings and defects. In the enneagram there is no one more devaluing than the sexual E4. Other enneatypes also devalue, but it is in the style that the competition differs; it is the quintessential head trimmer to look comparatively taller. Devaluing the other by belittling and blaming him as a way of not being in permanent contact with his own sense of internal worthlessness.
Guilty and Blaming Others
The sexual E4 is, of the three subtypes, the one that projects the most, and in this aspect it can easily reach cruelty, above all displaying a great capacity for verbal aggression, as we have already pointed out. Sexual E4s have a phobia of feeling how little they value themselves, and also of feeling guilty. He tends to blame the other, compulsively needing to find someone responsible for the feelings that he does not want or accept for himself.
On the other hand, he has no problem admitting his guilt dramatically when he feels that all is lost. The fault can even be of life or of God himself, and it can be a form of manipulation. That is to say, there is great mobility between the extremes that go from “I am not guilty of anything” to the tear of “I am guilty of everything.”
“I have always moved between a very high ideal of myself, and on the other hand a very poor self-image. With little packaging to recognize the pain and refusal to accept the responsibility of life. I have always blamed God, my craziest idea has been that God has a plot against me.” - John Lion
What is observed in this way of functioning is the difficulty and little capacity to assume responsibilities in the affairs of life. As we have seen, the sexual E4 tirelessly dedicates itself to making something or someone (normally the couple) take care of those aspects that they do not feel capable of sustaining or developing by themselves, with a feeling of their own right that is difficult to reasonably question. Only with introspection work do they come into contact with what it means to take responsibility for one's own life. They usually deposit in the other the need for material sustenance or emotional support that allows them to put their energy into creativity or navel gazing as really more important matters, which help them perpetuate the sense of being special. If that sustenance does not arrive, they can develop the aspect of being misunderstood, very present in this subtype, justifying outbursts of bad humor, anger, rudeness, etc. They directly relate irresponsibility to complaint and protest, as a way of reacting to the fact that responsibility is not understood: “The complaint and the protest work automatically in me; I live the realities of life, common to all humans, more closely, as if they only happened to me that way. Complaining is a childish mechanism that allows me to remain unaccountable and is perhaps one of my most common neurotic traits. I protest about everything and if I don't express it verbally, I protest in my internal dialogue. It's so automatic that sometimes the only thing that stops me is the idea of ending up as a bitter and curmudgeonly man.” - John Lion
The sexual E4 also presents obsessive tendencies, either towards a person who is the target of his love, or towards some activity in which he finds comfort, and these become the only lifeline and something essential that is out there to solve the problems. Issues that he does not face on his own, and perhaps to control a depression that he could not contain.
“Here came my encounter with yoga and inner work. I went to live in a community. It was a lifeline and I became obsessed, I've always been very obsessed with the things I like. There has always been something that I have placed my obsession on.”
Everything previously developed is basically based on dissatisfaction and the way of relating to it. Although this topic will be illustrated in the section on love, we would like to underline in a sympathetic way the Gata Flora style (“if they put it in, she screams and if they take it out, she cries”) that this subtype boasts and that shows its almost dissatisfaction permanent in all areas. If they don't hit him, he screams, if they hit him, he doesn't know what to do with it and most likely despises it. Dissatisfaction is associated with the belief that nothing and no one is enough and the experience of a bottomless void.
The sexual E4 swings a lot between euphoria and depression, there are no grays or nuances, they move in extremes from everything to nothing, always or never, in fact they are common terms in their vocabulary. This manic-depressive or cyclothymic tendency is found at various levels of severity depending on the subject. We can read it from the passion for extremes that leads the person to identify at different times with being the most wonderful or the shittiest. These subjects can go from one state to another in very short periods of time, either due to external stimuli, environmental circumstances, or internal ones, related to fantasy. Emotional lability is characteristic of this subtype. This network of functioning leads to the intense way of life with which these people identify so much, and which they use as another refined way of not being in touch with real lack.
Transgressive and Intolerant of Limits
People of this subtype do not easily adapt to limits imposed, either by authority figures, laws or conventions, nor do they have many references to internal limits. We could mention here a certain maladjustment (not as much as the lustful E8), restrained at times by the feeling of guilt that usually appears. The transgression of limits is developed on many occasions at the level of fantasy, before an audience or an imaginary other. It is not so important to break the limit itself, but how this is seen by others; there is a pleasure in causing some kind of stir among the spectators, as if from that place one could obtain a great adhesion or a great rejection, but in short, something intense to enjoy and to talk about.
The sexual E4 is not very reserved, but he feels special pleasure for telling his experiences in a compulsive and shameless way. His position is: “if I don't tell it, it's as if it hadn't happened to me,” and if he feels that this provokes his audience, all the better. Actually, his goal, more than sharing, is to impress and feel superior, even when what he says demeans him.
When they do not obtain with their manipulations (and it finally happens), they can undertake a change and a path inward, taking responsibility, recognizing the lack as such and the drama. In this way, begin to transit creative solitude, inner strength, and finally responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
This trait makes it sometimes difficult to recognize the character of this subtype as it can appear very humorous, funny, and expressive. He likes to occupy the stage also in a theatrical way and not only through the tragic. When he is in this polarity, he is sustained by a grandiosity that makes him feel superior and that “I can do everything.” Obviously it is a temporary situation that can end quickly, because he is very susceptible and sensitive to any adversity.
Always finding a justification for his great suffering, difficulty, or lack of possibilities, it is easy for him to be a person who is not very available to the needs of the other. He uses his suffering to not carry out tasks or to delegate things to the other that he does not like or that require effort. Egoism is also in the conviction that the suffering of the other is never as important as one's own.
We have already talked about aggressiveness and self-injury, here we want to underline the harmful behavior that they can have towards others, reaching physical violence, which above all acts in the relationship of a couple or family. Violence occurs in a special way when you do not support frustration, or fear when you feel that you are losing control over the other.
Sexual E4s are not afraid of originality and often enjoy feeling different. He loves to be special, unique, and original. And he succeeds. You can speak very explicitly without conforming to good manners, as well as dress flashily and against the grain. His desire to be peculiar makes him also brave and adventurous, minimizing risks and dangers.
Despite being very creative and talented people, they often fail to carry out their projects. The self-ideal is very strong and low self-esteem is often hidden. They have many dreams and aspire to occupy special places, and their thirst to be admired is so great that it is difficult for them to sustain the slightest failure or any obstacle. The difficulty in maintaining discipline and tolerating the necessary path can cause disappointment, and feelings of incapacity that are suddenly masked with anger or devaluation also outwardly.
Jealousy is lived with great intensity and is the reason for enormous scenes, especially in the couple; but also, even disguising more or less well, they feel jealous in any situation: family, work, social, and friendship. The constant competition that keeps them alive makes them evaluate in each situation if they are preferring or choosing them with respect to others, and if they do not feel chosen it hurts them a lot, provoking and jealousy projecting the one who becomes their opponent. But he is also very clever, knowing the terrain, to provoke the jealousy of others.
In relationships, in his impulse to be seen, and by his demand and need for things to be as he intends, unable to be even-tempered or feel equal, he imposes himself many times with a modality that runs over, abuses, oppresses, humiliates, and discounts. Although being polar can also be overwhelming in its generosity, care, and concern for the other.
He shares with the neighboring E3 this characteristic, and with the triad dependent on the image, in this case to hide his envy, as if he would dress up and apply makeup on himself attempting to cover the horror of his internal atmosphere that he is so ashamed of. As we have seen, the perception of oneself is in a continual series of ups and downs, and in the moments of ascent, vanity accompanies it, such as the excessive belief in one's abilities and the attraction it causes in others. If he is in a good mood, he takes great care of his appearance (according to his canons, of course) and likes to be recognized, although compliments make him a little uncomfortable because deep down he never fully believes them. So he can manifest himself as arrogant, conceited, self-centered, and with high points of queen/king narcissism, considering others as mediocre.
The sarcasm of sexual E4 is a mixed fruit of his bitterness, and his wit and talkativeness. He does not laugh healthily at himself or at reality, but rather mocks with scathing and cruel irony, offending or teasing. And they have a lot of ability to do it, only, seeking excessive attention, they ridicule, humiliate, or insult. In effect, the etymological origin of sarcasm is linked to “biting the flesh” (of the victim). In their histrionics, they appeal to humor cleverly, but maliciously seeking to make the other look bad or if they themselves, if they themselves are also the object of their sarcasm. However, this trait sometimes serves as an escape valve for anger, to release it before it becomes uncontrollable and dangerous.
They are usually very happy people, especially in moments of euphoria within their manic-depressive peaks. Just as when they are down they are the most dramatic in the enneagram, when they are on top they become the funniest, sharpest, and most capable of laughing at themselves and their misfortunes. Quaint as they come, they can be talkative and very talkative in their attempt to focus the audience's attention on them. If they find the paid field, there is no one to stop them, and they even tire the audience, of course.
Intense for the bad but also for the good, they are usually good lovers, and are well predisposed for sex, since it is something in which they have specialized as a weapon to obtain love. They know how to enjoy sex and also seek their own pleasure, unlike the other subtypes, who may be more content with just giving pleasure to the other. But it's not just about sexual seduction; the sexual E4 seduces even without realizing it. In general, they have a strong erotic charge that permeates all their movements; walking, dancing, eating, talking, and they know how to handle it well when it is directed or focused. Seducing and rejecting often becomes in the sexual E4 the story of never ending, an endless circle. They are attentive to what they like and detect what works and what does not. It is a peacock that only unfolds its beautiful tail when there is someone who, perhaps without knowing it, has previously seduced it. They are good observers, analyze and capture who they want to seduce.
When they take the final steps to grow internally, they can reach high degrees of understanding and empathy with the other, and also be experts in the ability to confront in an open and positive way. They have a deep emotional wisdom that translates into a good understanding of the human being, his emotional range and the availability to connect, and be compassionate. They are highly sensitive and spend much of their lives immersed in internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyze their feelings, and out of a desire to manifest this inner world they tend to have a great interest in the arts and many become real artists in different fields. They have the ability to be very creative, thanks to their emotional richness, and their fertile imagination is usually translated into artistic work or other fields in which they contribute the new, the original. They have an important aesthetic sense of life, they value beauty in all its forms, they are aesthetically concerned with self-expression and self-revelation in the general nature of their lifestyle. If they are given to art they can be profound, peculiar, and novel.
Because of the drama of the character they can be good actors. They seek to give everything an artistic and special touch. They are among the people who investigate, and investigate the most in personal growth. They have an interest in finding ways out of the neurotic. Due to the experience of dissatisfaction and relational problems, they are usually well predisposed to therapies. When they find a bond of trust, respect and affection, they can commit and respond positively to treatment.
Among the E4 subtypes, the sexual is sometimes highly intellectualized. This is revealed in his aspirations, his inclination to knowledge, to study, to research the most varied subjects, but above all humanistic and philosophical. They love to read and be informed and, in many cases, they are strongly involved in social or political commitment. In his stubborn non-conformism, passion for criticism, rebellion against the system, they define him as a revolutionary, although the ideals of justice for which he fights may be based on a very personalized perception of reality that refers to his need to compensate for his feeling of injustice.
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