i have been feeling the presence of “someone” looking out for me since 2015, when i decided to go abroad to Ireland to study. when i returned in 2016, i was amazed at how many things worked out so well for me, as if they were all carefully planned. also in 2016, i reached out to WS for a brief chat over wanton mee about what Christianity is about. this year, things worked out so well (again) - so miraculously well for me, even though i was going through a hard time. it amazes me how many chances i’ve earned, the good i’ve been so privileged to receive and the people i have met so far. i am thankful, so grateful and very very interested to know who “this person” looking out for me is. i’ve spoken about this “weird thing i feel about god - whoever this God is” to Kevin, who told me he is unable to feel as much or as overwhelmed whenever he receives goodness, and does not attribute it to anyone’s doing but himself - since he is in-charge of his own life and the choices he makes. i spoke of this issue to Kevin in 2016, although he didn’t really understand the “so darn good feeling” i felt whenever i think about things that worked out so well for me. speaking to WS last year about Christianity gave me an insight about what Christianity is.
in the second half of 2017 to mid 2018, i had no impetus to do something about this - simply because i feel like i have established a relationship with a “god” i can’t give a name to, simply because i am comfortable with how things are - how i always end up recovering from my tough ordeals, how things always turn out well in the end, how i always learn from the valuable lessons. i felt that reading the bible is a chore to me - it requires commitment, time and dedication which i felt was so hard to give.
breaking up with Kevin, then having so many things in my life getting better / pieced back together, made me reconnect with the whole idea of “god watching out for me”. when i first decided to leave the relationship, there was a day when i prayed so hard to this “god” i believed in - praying for me to hurt - but understand hurt, praying for myself to be accepting of my situation and praying for a smooth recovery from all the sadness and grief. so i did. throughout the break-up, i was really torn apart. however, the process of hurting was not as intensified as i thought it would have been. Al came into my life, and treated me as a friend - and helped me way beyond what a “new” friend would have done for me. many friends reached out to me and gave me the support i needed. my relationship with my family has improved tremendously, and i am very happy with how things are right now.
i believe there is a specific role that everyone plays in your life. the absence of Kevin in my life saddens me, some days it hurt so much i wish i would take it off me. he has taught me so much in life, was such a big part of my life, now that he is gone - what good can come out of this? i remember kevin once told me that he is the kind of person who enjoys bringing people together. the insecurity i had in my relationship with kevin made me realise that perhaps i have been hindering kevin’s role of bringing people together. i hope that by being away from kevin, he is able to bring people together to find joy and happiness. i hope the gratification he gets from being able to help form connections make him a happier person, and people around him benefits from this ability that he has.
i am very happy that i went for WS’s service yesterday. the sermon was about spiritual maturity which made me think of WS - how as a friend, as someone who has been going to church for years now - put himself in my shoes and taught me the very fundamental act of reading a bible. it allowed me to think of all the “easy way out”s i have tried to go for early this year, which led to repercussions. it made me be courageous enough to give WS validation of the spiritual maturity that he has achieved thus far and hopefully, have given him a slight push to always continue being good.
these 2 years have been amazing for me.
and i truly believe that i have this “special connection” with the “someone” i pray to in my head every time i bathe or every time i encounter a difficult situation.
hence, i think i am ready to learn how to receive Christ in my life and start shaping my life around the values i learn.
i want to be aware of how people view Christianity, be it through false beliefs or through the representation of Christians i know/see on the streets. i hope to acknowledge others’ refusal towards Christianity and never to be too preachy or force things upon others. i feel as though my relationship with this “certain someone” i have in my head is an intimate relationship, which does not require too much limelight on my social media accounts or i need not be too overt about it. this is my intimate relationship with God and it is precious, and just recording down my thoughts on tumblr allows me to feel. it doesn’t require scrutiny from people i don’t trust entirely. i feel like it is my responsibility to protect this relationship well, to reflect negativity whenever someone hurls it at me just because of this attempt to accept Christ.
growing up is intentional. i want to keep growing for myself, for the people around me and i know that somehow, “someone” has been watching over me and will be there for me.
god helps those who help themselves - was the phrase my dad used on me since i was young. surprisingly, Al completed my sentence when i tried sharing this phrase with him, when i haven’t even mentioned it - sharing that it is his mantra as well.
i know that hurt, sadness, anger - these are all emotions that i face as an individual. but i hope never to hurt someone else based on my emotions.
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