Im Krebsgang by Mary Allen
"I just wanted to tell a story of love & it was about fish & it was about me & it was about everything." -Richard Flanagan, Gould’s Book of Fish
“It’s like in this old, edgy French noir film I saw once,” he said, and I was only half listening, my nose pressed into the spine of a book; something about Germany’s post-WWII-guilt.
“In this film,” he said, “there’s this couple on the top floor of their apartment building, uh, fucking.”
My notes said Im Krebsgang, a novel by Günter Grass. The title is defined by the author as “scuttling backward to move forward.” Next to the title I have drawn and arrow and in quotes, “scouring the wreckage of history for therapeutic insight.” Like some sort of collective, national PTSD. I imagined a whole generation of young Germans moving backward toward a source of trauma they had no hand in creating.
“And the whole building, you know, the whole apartment complex, they can hear it. Not them exactly, but, the rhythm, you know, of them fucking, on their very squeaky mattress.”
A few days later I would google “Im Krebsgang” and find the english translation, crabwalk. I think of being a small child on my hands and feet, tummy facing up toward the sky, scuttling backward across the asphalt of my elementary school’s playground, head tilted back so I could see the world flipped over.
“And so,” he continued, “the camera in this film pans to all of the different floors of this building, and everyone is doing things in that rhythm. Some guy vacuuming, a lady chopping carrots, a mother rocking her baby to sleep - all to the same rhythm of this couple on the top floor, getting it on.” He grinned and giggled. I laughed along with him, tuning into the broken air vents of the library cooling system thud-thud-thudding along, a firm, steady pounding permeating every other noise in the building. It was a pattern we loved because it kept us moving. And as long as I saw him in the library, worked with him behind the desk, we kept to that rhythm. Me and him and everyone and everything and always thud-thud-thudding along to the beat from the ceiling above.
When I think about Im Krebsgang, I think about crabs moving backward to move on, never knowing the way the world might seem if they could just turn around. And I have been a crab since the morning I found out about how his shell was cracked wide open by a sleepy driver on the highway and whenever it was I saw him last, maybe it was a Tuesday, that would be the last time. And I scuttle back into my memory trying to think of the last thing he said to me and I can never ever find it, but every time I hear the broken thud-thud-thudding air vents in the library, all I can think of is him.
But the thing is, when his shell broke open and his time scuttling backward was over for good, forever, all at once he became everything I have for so long desired to be. He was no longer a crab, but a fish floating freely in the deep water, watching the waves crash upon the shore like lovers’ lips in the dark; sudden and violent, yet predictable. The foam from the wave consumed every creature, every crab like me, every grain of sand and scattered us just slightly. And for just a moment, everything looked just the same as everything had always looked. But it was not the same. Never had the shore been arranged as it was in that moment, and never would it be placed in such a way ever again. And this was beautiful and this was perfect and this was right because this was the only way it could be. And surely it would change again with the next steady crash but that was somewhere way off in the distance that no one could manage to see. That was all there was and all there would ever be, and that was just fine. And maybe he is out there watching; bobbing gently to the rhythms that keep sweeping us away.