Just thought I’d post something somewhere and figured tumblr would be a decent place to put something up and not have it somewhere my usual friends, family can see...
Life has been rough these past months. I’ve hit rock bottom roughly about two years ago after being let down from several job opportunities, just being lost in general. I think it initially started when I went to San Diego to continue my education. I’d almost complete my associate in Hawaii and I’d figure I give San Diego a shot since it was originally where I wanted to go because my brother was stationed there for the Navy, but that plan in 2010 was post poned because he had been deployed overseas for a while so he wasn’t home. I ended up going to LCC in Hawaii as a last minute plan and took random classes I could get because it was literally the week before the semester started. After taking classes, in and out, 4 classes sometimes 3 classes a semester, I’d almost graduate with my associate, just needed one more class.
Anyway, back to San Diego. I transferred there bringing some credits with me. Right when I was about to enroll in classes, reality struck and I couldn’t make a living there. My parents couldn’t afford to send me to school so I packed my bags and went back home after a few short months. It didn’t matter anyway because right when I left San Diego, my brother found out he got orders for Hawaii and ended up moving back home anyway. So even if I could make it to school somehow, I still had nobody to stay with.
When I got back to Hawaii, I finished my associate and figured I was exhausted of school. So I tried to find a job in the market. It was rough. I didn’t find anything for a while and was unemployed for some time. I couldn’t find anything so I just went with a full time job at a golf course. While at the golf course, I applied for the Police and Sheriff. Figuring that if I couldn’t get in, my last resort would be to go into the Navy.
When the process for the Police got closer, I left my job at the golf course because everyone was encouraging me that I got the job, even my other brother who was already in the Police force said that I got it. So I left my job at the golf course. Sadly that wasn’t the case. I got a letter in the mail saying I wasn’t selected and my process had ended. I didn’t know what went wrong. Even the sheriff’s department gave me a similar letter and my process ended for that job as well. Not knowing what I could have done wrong, I went ahead and tried for the Navy. Did a few paper work and ended up being denied from them as well. Found out I was a medical liability. Thinking to myself, the military, who usually takes anybody, never accepted me. Being defeated and unemployed for over a year while this whole process was going on, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Shortly after, I went into a deep depression and went to receive help from my doctor who recommended me to see a psychologist. The Psychologist slowly helped me think a little better and I got a job at Target for overnight stock and eventually got another job during the day at Gyukaku, a restaurant.
While working at two jobs I realized this wasn’t going to work and things needed to change. So I applied for the Public Safety Corrections Officer position. The public safety department is also in charge of the sheriff’s department who earlier denied my application for unknown reasons. So I was thinking “what the hell”, I put in an application anyway with no positive thinking. A few months later I completed the process and eventually was just waiting for the training academy to start. My life all of a sudden got better.
I passed the academy and started working at the prison as a Adult Correctional Officer. I stopped seeing my psychologist right when the training academy started because my schedule conflicted. It’s roughly two months when the academy ran and finished. I went to my work post after that and it’s been roughly, two months since I started working officially.
Well, here I am writing this. Before this started, I thought I would have my life figured out after I got in this job. I realized that I was wrong. My job is stable but it makes me miserable. I feel depressed whenever I leave to go to work. I come home feeling empty like i’m missing something. I feel as if i’m working until i’m going to die. I’m working towards nothing and I got nothing to look forward to. I just go to work, come home, sleep, get up and repeat. On my days off I feel discouraged to go out because I feel like that would be a waste of time. All my friends are busy and feel distant from me. I’ve been excluded from whatever circles they have. So all I’ve got is my family at home to look forward to but I feel as if whenever I got to work at night and they’re at home, i’m missing out, i’m missing something that’s going on in their lives. I feel disconnected I guess. I really got no one to talk to I figure and i’m starting to slowly realize, i’m lonely.
I don’t know what it is I seek in life or what i’m looking forward to or what it is i’m supposed to look forward to. Maybe I’ll find that meaning someday but I hope it’s soon. I haven’t been hopefully as of lately. Maybe someone needs to come by and save me. I don’t know what I need. I think I need a friend. A close friend I can talk to. Deep down inside, I yearn for love, maybe a romantic kind of love or a really close friendship kind of love. I don’t know. If you know the answer, please tell me.
2087
vaporwave
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
