"Wake up! It's half past six, don't prove your deadbeat father's words to be true, don't be a disappointment" Lying on the bed, Preesha stared aimlessly at the ceiling, as her mother's usual rant flowed through her ears. She had been long awake, even before the sun rays had filtered through her window pane illuminating her room, in perfect contrast to the darkness that filled her heart. The clear morning sky with only a few fragments of clouds was battling with her tears to reflect itself on her retina, which blurred her vision.
She felt a suffocating weight on her chest, a pain piercing her heart and unlike the sky, her mind was cloudy, like the perfect storm. The storm that promised pain and misery, the storm that uprooted everyone's life. The storm that was surely followed by a rainbow but no one left to appreciate it. She was having a hard time and it was not a phase like her 'friends' had referred to. She felt lonely, deserted and worthless. It took her everything to drag herself off of her bed to face her mother, not even caring about brushing her teeth, it seemed pointless.
After what felt like counting on stars except for the fact that she had no one she could count on, she was finally free from the morning chores. The breakfast was cooked, the dishes were done and in a family of three members, two plates were presented at the dining table.
Preesha, who once loved eating, ignoring her mother's constant taunts about how she was getting fat and bulky, stayed away from food. The dopamine that was released in her body relishing her favourite cuisines did not excite her much these days, she had lost half of her weight, hollow, sunken eyes with prominent dark circles, chapped lips and skin so dry, that it had started to shed off, but only if anyone noticed. Her sibling was way too young to understand all this while her mother was so caught up in her own bubble of grief that she failed to notice her own daughter's longing, lifeless eyes.
She fell on the bed with a thud, as she grabbed her duvet to cover herself completely, curling up as if she was shielding herself from her intrusive thoughts. Her mind ran wild and though her eyes were dry, her heart wailed, it screamed silently, even breathing seemed hurtful. Each heart beat was excruciatingly painful, each gasp for air felt like a torture to her lungs, each pulse in her vain seemingly added a load of burden upon her worn out soul.She wanted to end this, she wanted peace, it was getting overwhelming to live in a world where she did not feel appreciated, a world where she was casted aside as if a punctured tin can, deserted by her father, treated like a burden by her mother, she felt uncared, unloved. Even the closest of her friends failed to understand her, maybe they never cared, maybe she had always been delusional, believing she was wanted. She should have known that her existence was just a mere burden, no one would have cared she disappeared or better, died. She felt like an obligation that everyone just had to fulfil, like paperwork that nobody enjoyed doing, but they had to do it, like a job, a duty.She stumbled upon something as she made her way to the drawer, deserting her bed ridden with piles of clothes, loads of laundry, the walls of her room had scribbling all over, 'Papa', 'Mumma' and 'Preesha' 'Happy family', the scribbling said.
A section of her white painted wall had a bit of red to it, the red which flowed through her veins, the red which caused her misery, draining that red, she knew would end her misery.She picked up the object that made her steps falter, it was her bunny, her Toto as she and her father decided to call in while he was still there beside her. Thebunny was a precious relic to her, she had once loved it dearly but as she crossed her adolescence, Toto was just another stuffed toy kept in her drawer that she hardly opened. Toto reminded her of herself. It reminded her of her childhood days, the days where laughing did not require any reason unlike the present where even tickles fail to crack her up.
She compared herself to Toto, who was once loved but now deserted, a friend whom without holding close, the goddess of sleep never visited her, but now a toy hardly dreamt about. She hugged it closer to her chest as a sob erupted from her throat, loud and distinct followed by her helpless scream for relief. She wailed her eyes out, shrieked with all the air in her lungs, and after she had no energy left in her vocal chords, she rocked herself back and forth with her knees folded up close to her chest and her hands hugging her knees. All the memories started to play like a movie in her head, from her earliest giggle to her recent grief, from the memories about the coffee she and her friends shared to the memories she did not dare to share with her friends, from her father's loving pats to her mother's sweetest kisses, she started shivering, her body started to heat up, her voice seemed to have frozen, her limbs started burning, loud voices started to ring in her head, "YOU'RE WORTHLESS" "NO ONE LIKES YOU" "DISAPPOINTMENT" "UGLY" UNWORTHY ""UNGRATEFUL" she felt lifeless but her heart was still beating, she wanted to stop it, put her heart to rest, she needed to end this, she had to end this, she will end this.
With Toto tightly clutched close to her heart as if assuring herself that there was someone listening to her heartbeats, she aimed for the upper drawer, the one with the magical weapon that would end her misery. The one with a blade sharp enough to drain her out of the red that caused this pain. Glancing one last time at the door of her room, she used the weapon on her pulsating vein not before shifting her eyes to watch herself for the last time in the mirror, she felt a warm liquid gushing through her wrist as she fell lifeless on the floor to sleep but this time with Toto clutched beneath her arms to summon the Goddess of slumber for a good lifelong sleep. She finally felt at peace as the voices fell still and her heart paced down.
