Rejoice and Regret

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[rejoiceandregret]

I was young, once, and you were beside me, and that was all I needed. That was everything. I have the receipts in the form of tears down my cheeks when I think of you, and my hands are empty.

I must keep breathing so I can speak your name, so I can keep you here, alive in this world. I must speak your name to know you are still here, still somewhere, to know that, in some way, I can be beside you in time.

[rejoiceandregret]

Sitting in the ER,

Blood down my arm.

Thinking about how you went in,

And never came out;

Thinking about how the cut doesn't hurt,

As much as I expected;

Thinking about how numb I've become.

In fact one of the few times I feel anymore,

Is when I'm looking out the window,

Thinking of you;

Looking for you;

Knowing you are never coming back.

[machinesindecay]

Winter was so long ago, yet so close, like the ice in your eyes that thawed in summer — an ocean quieted by fall.

If you freeze over, a renewing cycle, I must believe all we’ve lost will renew all that died will birth again either here or there, either us or them a longing never quenched a love never frayed — I wear you around my shoulders to brace for the chill, the shortening of days.

Heartbeats slow as cold pierces skin, waiting for them, waiting for Spring, hibernate ’til death denying each breath we were given yet forced to take. Our love delays more grief. Our breaths create more pain.

I was doomed long ago, when the ice in your eyes froze me to the bone, and the Spring of their love birthed new souls, brought us to our knees discovering a faith we never believed.

Our hearts beat but a moment before stilling in the dark. I yearn for a spark, a sign of them and a wish for us: This isn't the end. Our love isn't lost but transformed by a setting sun at a horizon we'll soon cross.

[rejoiceandregret]

Goodbye Autumn

When I was young I thought I owned my fate. What a fool was I, like any child. The older I got, the more I realized I own nothing. I wonder if, by the time I die, I will be old enough to know that this was never my life; maybe I never even existed.

Your love was the only thing that ever made me real. And now that you're gone, it's bad dreams and aching joints. I feel pain, I feel sadness. The beauty is faded, the joy numbed, until I wonder if any of it was there to begin with.

Because time is carrying me farther away from you, the universe is expanding, and your memory is like a fire far away. I remember the feeling of warmth, but I only shiver now—somewhere dark and longing, where the brightness looks more like a pinhole, a star I will never touch.

I think now, when I go, millions of memories will fade away forever, like silt to the floor of the ocean, swayed and pushed by forgettable waves. And maybe it will be like we never existed. Maybe we never did. It's already hard to remember running my fingers through cool grass. The scent of dried leaves in warm, October air. The sound of the ocean tuning my heartbeat. The feeling of utter, unlimited peace.

I stand where you stood. I sleep where you slept. I breathe air you breathed. Everything is the same as you left it, except this home is hollow without you. Truth be told, I no longer feel strong enough to lift my lips into a smile. I used to greet autumn with joy; now I only say “goodbye.” Because your love was the only thing that ever made me real. That made this life real.

What I didn't realize when you didn't come home was, neither did I.

[rejoiceandregret]

the last moment i had you i inhaled—i inhaled so fucking hard; i never wanted to breathe out, never wanted to forget your scent.

and even now, i sometimes wish to walk into wildfires and disappear in the smoke and the dark, let whatever took you take me, too— and vanish before i forget your scent.

[rejoiceandregret]

Halos of Neroli

I wish to follow you, like an echo follows a whisper; you are truth, I am only imitation. I wait each day for sunset to truly come alive, and the sunset—it comes, earlier every day. Yet I feel like a wet fuse; I wonder if I will explode, or fade like dust, like silt, like ash, to the bottom of the sea.

[rejoiceandregret]

I love you.

I miss you.

I wonder sometimes why I'm still here,

If you aren't.

[rejoiceandregret]

Sneak

Like a gate left open, Swaying in the breeze of dusk, purple sky and silhouettes of trees— you were the end of everything that was alive in me.

[rejoiceandregret]

Swamp Monsters Creepin' Green velvet reapers, scythe-swinging stalkers waiting in the shade; come-hither fingers, ready to mislead you and cut that smile into a million little pieces.

Dandelion Pappus Blow it in my face— needle-sharp lashes, cutting through your tears, to sink 'em like zeppelins, to set fire to the blood, to vanish like a thief, like a stranger in the night.

[rejoiceandregret]

It was the best day of my life— and it was so long ago; I can barely remember.

Wide eyes in summer sun; time stretched on forever— or so I thought.

I can no longer remember the details; I can only recall an echo of how it felt.

It was the best day of my life— but it was so long ago;

[rejoiceandregret]

I used to notice the miracles, used to wonder what came next. I used to feel the sun on my skin— until a light inside me began to flicker, until it died out.

Is it too late to care again? Is it over? The very fact that I wouldn’t mind if it was may be my answer.

I trace the ant on the flowers of the Judas tree, and I don’t see beauty as much as I see machine. I don’t see the stars as much as I see the dark between them.

[rejoiceandregret]

Love is not possession; Love lets go, But somewhere along the way, My heart got greedy, As it tends to do. But you were a monsoon, When I expected a raindrop. How am I supposed to say goodbye, And return to the drought?

[rejoiceandregret]

the truth is i'm shell shocked; my body's clock has stopped, and time means nothing anymore, now that my love is scattered like ashes in the desert. because i look for you in the sky, but the day is too bright for my eyes.

[rejoiceandregret]

The pain doesn’t move me like it used to; The ideas ache more than the cuts do.

The yearning stings deeper than my flesh ever will; I see my blood running before I even feel it spill,

Tributaries down my arms like lowland floods, A thrilling cavalry turning dry dirt to mud.

But the truth is, there is nothing left to save, Because grief left my vibrance in a shallow grave.

[rejoiceandregret]

I carry your ghost like a kite on a string. I hope you don’t mind, but my heart won’t beat without it.

If I was better I'd let you go; I'd say goodbye; let you float off into nothing. But just the thought of it, and I fall apart.

I feel like there’s lead inside me. And it's strange, Because I feel so fucking hollow.

[rejoiceandregret]

I once imagined my mind a beautiful forest, every thought a lush, green tree; but grief set my world on fire, and now every thought is born of ash; every laugh and smile carries the faint scent of smoke.

[rejoiceandregret]

I wish to dance with gentle things, but so often they are out of reach; I graze them with the tip of my finger— so euphoric I feel for the moment— reaching through the metal bars in the prison of my mind; it’s like crawling out of my skin, like feeling free.