What Was Left Unsaid @remnants-ofa-melted-mind - Tumblr Blog

The answers are not in your thoughts

They’re in your reality

— anxiety

I have died a thousand times

I leave my womb bare

In fear of being like you

My lips twitch with disgust

As memories for this truth creep in

I could not bare the chance of pieces of you seeping in through the cracks

So mourn the mother I’ll never be

My tongue glides over the one crooked tooth the orthodontist couldn’t fix

It got that way from being impacted by a rotten baby tooth

A baby tooth that stayed until I was 15

And now at 32 I’m left with the crooked reminder of your neglect

Why have a child if my needs weren’t of value

It’s why I leave my womb bare

In fear I’ll be just like you…

My lips tingle with disgust

These distant memories make me wonder what I’ve forgotten

How could you let us be in such danger

I fear a man’s attention was always more attractive then flesh you created

Maybe you hate us because we are pieces of you

Bliss as numbness reaches my finger tips

Relief

My heart aches quietly but I’m too elated to care

My arms yearn for an embrace, “I love you”

But instead I sit here living a fake reality

If only I’d could keep this for longer

But the price for temporary peace seems to want to eat what’s left of me

I crave just a sip

The pain in my heart is too great

A break down too chaotic to control

Work lingers around the corner

15 minutes left

Storms rush my mind,

thunder and lightening on the horizon

I want to give in but I’m afraid it’ll consume me

My hearts raw beats scream

I can’t hold it at bay much longer

I have to buy time

I have to numb it

A sip to my lips for a moment of false peace

If only you knew the pain you left inside of me

You get to an age where you realize, your only friend can end up being just your partner.

Family grows and takes different paths

Maybe family wounds never heal and you begin to see strangers in place of blood

Your friends you’ve known for a decade are married, have children, or just living life that doesn’t include you….

You start to realize that somehow, you ended up alone…

You realized along the way you isolated yourself to one person that though was a ‘best friend’ was just as bad questionable of a choice as others

You’re alone and part of you feels you deserve it

Kicking

I imagine this is what bloodlust must taste like

As my skin crawls with an insatiable itch

tingling up to the nape of my neck

An unquenchable thirst the lingers deep in my veins

radiates through my bones

begging for me to just take the edge off

Mind over matter

I promise I’m stronger then this

4th times the charm

I know now I’m too weak to ever let it touch my lips

I can do this

Protestant rage dances on my tongue

ready to tear my world to pieces

The snarls bargain peace for a quick hit

One last time, I remind myself

This is only uncomfortable for a short time

We deserve to live.

I wonder what parts of myself are me and what parts are you

When I love I mimic your kindness

Your devotion

Ready to give my last breath

But when betrayed

My venom comes with just as much passion

Cold, vicious tongue

Stripping love bare

Taking every ounce back and more for interest

I take until they break

Until justice is paid for the pain they stirred inside of me

The unhealed childhood wound from your mother

And your mothers father

The cycle continues

I sit here and feel my heart beating to break

And I realize

He and I are just our mothers

Love we learned and love we didn’t.

I know it’s not the answer

But sometimes you just need a fucking drink

Beer for a chill time

Liquor for numbing the pain and getting into trouble

Wine for a broken heart and ease of stress to reconnect

No it’s not the answer

No I’m not saying to chose to cope in such a manner

I wish I wasn’t this way

But it’s the only way right now I know how to survive

The monster does not lie dormant after his ego was wounded

No

He calculates

Recalibrates

Watches you from a distance and wonders

Why tf is she so happy for

He sees you with teeth sharp

A threat ready to come for your neck

He paints the story so vivid and quietly

You’ll only be left with second of wonder

Before you bleed to death

Sometimes I sleep because there’s nothing else to do

I can’t escape this reality

I can’t escape being a fool

Your anger is good for your protection

But it is bad for your ego

I miss my mother

The funny thing about this kind of loss

Is that it feels wrong to mourn

considering

She’s not even dead.

It’s hard to mourn someone that’s still alive

2025 is about to end

and there’s things I can’t talk about with friends

No father since I was young just grandpa but he’s been gone

My mother chose to numb her soul

My sisters have chosen a path of their own

I’m alone

There’s no one to talk to about these things

I can feel the stress tighten my chest

My scalp tingles

As if threatening another shed

Why am I like this

Why can’t I just be like them

If it wasn’t for my mother

If it wasn’t for heartbreak

If it wasn’t for those “fake friends”

….

But …

that’s not true …

is it…

Stress turns my anxiety into a vicious beast

Sharp teeth on the throats of all those around me

Vengeance for my misery

Who am I

The question that been asked of myself a million times

And yet…

All I have to explain is ..

Nothing …

Just a scared girl begging to not be human anymore

The decades get collected

My skin ages

But I can’t let her go

I don’t know who’s in front of me

I don’t want to be anything…

I’ve spent so long trying to heal from them

Now that they’re going to soon be gone

All the books and writings

Seem pointless

“Healing” seems so lonely

I wonder if I’m selfish

And there’s a small voice in the head that knows

Just a bit yes

I search for the validation to my reactions over the past 16 years and I wonder

Why couldn’t I have been better

I know I’m not the full problem here

But I know I’m not the solution either

I just held on to the hope that one day

My mom would stop using drugs

She’d stop being heart broken over a weird guy who’s darkness wasn’t unfortunate, it was born

That my sisters would make it safe for me to be emotionally close to them

To see me as more then just the odd one out, the “pussy” cuz I found no interest in the lifestyles they glorified

Because I wanted a life not under the thumb of a color or territory

One where young lives drop like flies

And if your lucky to survive, drug is the only richness

I didn’t find value in a life that worshipped danger

They’re men didn’t honor them

They’re children recycled anger and depression

Soldiers. For a war that was created

I can see where I’m seen as weak

When it’s comes down to it

I cannot fight, heal, or survive the real world

Money chasing I guess will leave me alone in the end.

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