need to clear up some things
Ok so people have told me that I'm being vagued about, and this has already taken a toll on my mental health but the fact that people can tell that it's me being vagued about is making me concerned that others might be being misled.
Under a cut because woof, are you guys in for a ride.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think it’s cool to share private dms and make an entire call post just to say you’re leaving a fandom due to a fallout with a former friend. Then, portraying it as some fandom social issue.
Like, airing out private dirty laundry for a goodbye post isn’t cool. It isn’t classy and it feels kind of petty. You could have been respectful and moved on if that was your wish but…
Okay.
Exactly what Kuno-chan says. This is something that should be deal with in a private way. I like both people involved here but this is just not okay and shouldn't be supported. It's a violation of privacy‚ privacy you had with a friend.
It's sad to see a lovely creator leave the fandom and you have your reasons but there are ways...
The only thing that's been cleared up is that I've been given a blocklist- which would be anyone who supports this kind of sharing private stuff in public behavior just as a dramatic way to slam the door on fandom. We're adults here, come on.
If you think sharing this kind of thing makes you the better person it backfired.
What's insane about this is that some of you seem to think that the problem here is a shared DM, with all personal info removed mind you, and not the fact that someone is insulting to their friends, and to the rest of the fandom, and has been vagueblogging like a child for half a year because someone wouldn't let them get away with being an asshole
Like, is your issue someone sharing a few private messages or someone bullying others out of a fandom and calling anyone who disagrees with their subjective opinion an idiot? Because to me one of these is a much bigger issue
Amazing how a person who's very anti purity culture is also pro leaking private messages just to announce you are leaving a fandom. Who's bullying who here?
If you think the main purpose of this post was to announce leaving a fandom and not to call out years of bullying behavior and months of vagueblogging, you clearly didn't understand the post. Jelly is talking about standing up for herself after this behavior has continued to go on after she TRIED to handle it, and she got called ableist and then blocked, and then vageblogged about for months. That's just not fair to expect someone to just take that.
And that's just a few things I could say about this situation, which has honestly gone on for far too long because of people covering for and excusing this behavior.
Finally, I don't have to be active in a given fandom to know what decent human behavior is
Sorry, gotta make a separate account to protect myself, but some of these comments are lowkey disgusting.
First, no one has an absolute expectation of privacy. If you’re vague logging someone in a way that everyone knows who you’re talking about and damages their reputation, that person has a right to defend themselves against mischaracterization. Even in that sense, Jelly still took great care to anonymize BNF to protect their identity (in contrast to BNF who actually tagged Jelly!), only did so as a last resort after MONTHS of being vagueblogged and only shared portions of the conversation that were relevant to demonstrating the nature of the interactions, not unrelated personal information. As far as disclosing DMs go, this is probably the most justified and targeted way of doing it.
Second, the DMs actually show the point that Jelly was making, that she was being extremely patient (even though she was clearly frustrated) and clear as to what they were saying. They maintained focus on BNF’s behavior, not their opinions, and every time the conversation shifted to opinions, Jelly calmly brought it back to behavior. Jelly acknowledged BNF’s perspective as valid and pointed out clear patterns and examples of problematic behavior that BNF themselves were asking for, and offered constructive feedback on how to move past this. Even when BNF was being dismissive or defensive, Jelly remained respectful and focused on the issues rather than retaliating or escalating.
Third, another thing that these DMs show was that BNF was downright lying about Jelly. In the DMs, they acknowledged and apologized for their behavior that negatively impacted others, but in public portrayed themselves as being attacked for their neurodivergence (even though the DMs show they weren’t). It also showed that even though BNF was requesting feedback on their behavior, when Jelly provided specific examples they became defensive and rejected feedback before claiming they were harmed by the very interaction they were initiating. Essentially, both the DMs and the follow up post shows that BNF expects others to manage their emotions and reactions while showing little regard for how their behavior affected those around them.
Fourth, BNF is showing some disturbing, borderline narcissistic traits. The limited ability to prioritize other people’s stated emotional experiences (constantly redirecting to their own emotional experience), the grandiosity (their interpretations reflect canon, other opinions are “stupid”), the defensiveness rather than acknowledging the feedback, the self-victimization (framing the feedback *they asked for* as an attack on them personally), the moralizing/mudslinging, the willingness to revise history to maintain their self image even though the DMs contradict that, the cynical exploitation of their own vulnerability, and emotional manipulation (given how starkly different the private acknowledgements and public narrative are, it’s hard to imagine how BNF isn’t just prioritizing their self image).
Fifth, BNF’s supporters here who are attacking Jelly while overlooking BNF’s behavior are showing some wildly hypocritical. On the one hand, Jelly is violating BNF’s privacy by showing anonymized DMs, yet none of the same people bat an eye when BNF outted Jelly by tagging her. They simultaneously accept BNF’s gaslighting that, actually, they weren’t vagueblogging Jelly but that Jelly could only be talking about BNF. Not only is this selectively deciding who gets taken in good faith, this makes no sense - if BNF really wasn’t vagueblogging then, then Jelly’s posts should not have been identifiable enough to violate BNF’s privacy. It can’t be one or the other. But that doesn’t matter because BNF’s fans are willing to throw all standards to the wind and Jelly under the bus all to signal support for the popular blog. TL;DR Jelly did everything she could, BNF has some reflecting to do, and BNF’s friends are hypocritical sycophants riding a popular blog’s coattails.
I would like to second everything that Orca has said. Another point I’d like to add that
This is a pattern.
This is not the first that BNF has thrown around progressive language in order to shit all over other folks in the fandom, whether publicly or privately, and it clearly isn't the last. I have been witness to and/or counsel on multiple conversations where BNF’s behavior has been shades of Jelly’s experience. BNF has:
Taken conversations not about them personally and extremely poorly (despite wanting others to take THEM in good faith…which ended in the creation of a server that’s rules boil down to no negativity allowed ever, which sounds an awful lot like a flavor of purity culture that they profess to be against);
Accused people of arophobia for having shipping preferences and expressing them (God forbid people’s shipping preferences be romantic rayllum and they have FEELINGS about their ship and aren’t just happy no matter what the show does with them. God forbid people not write a meta to support every thought or feeling or opinion they have about the show.);
Accused someone of being racist because of an innocuous opinion, without care for the impact both socially and emotionally on the other person (While vagueblogging about how being called racist isn’t the end of the world…cool, yeah, great, in a private conversation intended for reflection? Sure. In public where randos will come rake you over the coals over it when you didn’t actually do anything? Fucking no. Inconsiderate at best, unnecessarily hostile and cruel at worst);
And finally, it is absolutely fucked up to use Autism as an excuse for this behavior.
Autism is not an excuse, and frankly? The idea that it is, is insulting to Autistic people who have taken responsibility for their social difficulties. This is fandom. So many people here are neurodivergent, and I don’t see every single person running around refusing to think ahead about/acknowledge how their words and actions impact others. I don’t see every Autistic person weaponizing their Autism so that they are never responsible for making meaningful changes to their behavior. It’s not masking or ableism to have to consider how your words and actions feel to others, and it’s unfair to make your friends shoulder the burden of correcting your communication.
And then pushing back when they do give you that feedback? Why, if you really want it? If you really want to be a better friend? Why do they have to PROVE how your words made them feel?
The answer is that you don’t want to be a better friend. You want to continue to do whatever you want to whoever will let you. You don’t listen, and you don’t change because at the end of the day you don’t care about those you’ve hurt.
Let’s not pretend otherwise.