Renaissance Of Thoughts

[renaissanceofthoughts]

The Wrong Turn | P-2

It is irritating me so I unplugged it from power. It’s sort of scary and we ask our backseat bartender to get us a drink. Having a few peg down we are at a point on the road where there are no road signs up, the GPS has also stopped working because of no cell reception. Figuring something out on the offline map we took a left and are going on an unknown path it’s very scary. We are laughing and teasing each other and have come too far, there are just trees on our left and right. Abhishek suggests to stop for a minute and let’s figure out where we are headed, before we could have opened up the MAP app in our phone, something just pushed my car very badly and my car is sitting tilted in the middle of the road, we get out to see who is it, but there is dark everywhere there isn’t any vehicle.

“Fuck! Get in the car now”, said Tarun rushing towards the car seeing something vanish in the woods.

He is scared and he wants to take a U-turn and leave for home. Before I could have said anything the noise from Tarun’s phone says, “Sorry, I can’t help you with that” and it just turns off. All our phones have automatically turned off. We are so scared that we are not thinking anything and just moving forward. I’m driving like a maniac in the valleys the tires are skidding, the car is drifting, suddenly my car headlights are starting to blink I must slow down my speed, unexpectedly a group of bats have started to strike my windshield. We all are scared, Tarun is shouting and cursing, Abhishek has gone in a shock. My hands are quivering my car’s headlights are gone out all we can hear is the salient sound of bats striking on the glass in front of us. The noise is gone everything is so silent we can hear our raised heartbeats and rapid breaths.

The headlights came up with a screaming of a woman and there is a lady standing in front of our car. Her face is dripping blood; she runs towards the car and vanish. I am having goosebumps all over my body, we just wish for this night to get over. I’m pressing down on the accelerator paddle to escape this menace. I’m driving as fast as I can. The sound of a group of people clapping their hands against the car has occurred abruptly. My GPS has also started to scream, “Take a U-turn whenever possible” and it’s not even connected to power. The air conditioning in my car is at Low and we are still sweating. This dreadfulness is never ending. Tarun is crying, “We should have listened to Nilay. Why would you bring this alcohol with us even after knowing what he said, Abhishek? Why? Through that bottle out right now”

Abhishek tries to open the window but I have locked it from master controls. He shouts at me cursing, “Open the window damn it! It’s all because of this booze we must get rid of it”. But I’m in fear and shock and think if I open the window some bad spirit would come in and kill us all.

The car has lost power I’m not able to maneuver it, slowing down and has come to a stop state. Someone’s pushing the car from the right trying to tilt it and land it on the side but no one is visible. Mist has started to form around the door windows and unexpectedly my door has spontaneously opened and someone’s trying to pull me out, I’m screaming, Tarun is shouting and cursing in the air, Abhishek is not able to understand what’s going on he’s still in shock and started to chant mantras. In a moment, a man in grey skin, heavily bearded with a trident in his hand comes running towards me and tries to stab the air with his trident. He’s shouting mantras to whatever is pulling me out of the car. Somehow I’m free and as soon I feel this I rush my hand to myside door and pull it towards me with all the strength I have, to close it. I start my car and pushing down the paddle I’m in a haste to leave this place as soon as I can. I’m driving fast and we can see the sun come up, our raise heartbeats and breath are uncontrollable.

With every step sun takes in the skies we are forgetting the whole incident. It’s like we just made a wrong turn and are back home, we didn’t go anywhere, we have no memory of what happened with us that night. Maybe it is best that way.

Link to Part 1: http://renaissanceofthoughts.tumblr.com/post/159030335360/the-wrong-turn-p-1

[renaissanceofthoughts]

The Wrong Turn | P-1

It’s a great day to celebrate my friend Abhishek’s birthday. Songs on the stereo are playing loud, you can feel the bass thump in every corner of the apartment. It’s quite a crowd partying hard, getting all boozed up and high on grass. It’s been hours now, everyone is leaving one by one. As all have left it’s just me Abhishek and Tarun. The high is leaving now and we have started to feel bored. Getting irritated of the silence Tarun speaks, “Let’s go somewhere, some place in the hills”. I being the designated driver ask to be specific on the location where we will head out to. Abhishek wakes up from his drunkenness saying, “First, let’s get on the road and will later decide the destination”. I am still questioning both of them on which way to head and we all agree upon exploring the valleys of Uttarakhand.

I am about to start the engine but I’m interrupted by a call from my dear friend Nilay. The conversation is going on smooth as always, the curses are fluent. As I tell him about our trip he asks, “Are you guys drunk? Are you carrying Alcohol with you?”. “Hell yeah!”, I replied to his questions. Being concerned on a superstition he asks us not to go and tell us an event which occurred with his friend a while ago when he went drinking and partying around Haridwar to Mussoorie.

“It was around this time only, my college classmate Shubham went to Haridwar on a bike with his friends. He was drunk and also took a bottle or two along with him. He had just entered Haridwar, it was late night at around 2 AM, a baba all covered in grey ash stopped his way and shouted at all of them to leave the place and go back home, he even said to them that you guys are drunk and carrying booze and are violating the atmosphere of the DEV BHOOMI. They all got scared and rushed the bikes into the woods following the dirt road. They were like racing each other to the end of the woods. Suddenly one of the bikers saw some women run across the road. They all scattered, Shubham and the one on his bike with him were separated from others, they tried to reach out to them but were unable as there was no cell reception, soon a hissing noise started to stalk them as they tilted their head towards right they saw a lady in white running next to their bike at a speed humanly impossible. She didn’t have any feet’s showing, her face covered with hairs and they could partially see her wicked grin. She tried to scratch the face of my friend but by Gods grace, the woods ended before she could have succeeded in her wicked desire. All were united at the end of the woods and saw the creepy white lady scream so hard that it cut through their soul. They threw their booze right there and headed back home chanting Hanuman Chalisa”, told Nilay in a convening voice but Tarun and Abhishek won’t believe in such superstitions and they forcefully cut the call saying, “ Yes! Yes! Absolutely we are not bringing the booze with us, we are not drunk now let us leave will call you later, Nilay”.

Now, we are headed our way towards Kanatal in Uttarakhand. Still, in the leftover trance of all the booze, we drank and grass we smoked. Singing songs we are cruising on the highway to the hills. We are now in the dark and lonely valleys of Uttarakhand and there’s nobody else traveling these roads at 2 AM in the night.

Suddenly my GPS has gone haywire and keeps on shouting, “Take a U-Turn whenever possible”.

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Multiverse Panorama

It’s night, time for a good sleep. I step in to my bed room reaching towards my bed, lying down I grab my blanket to give me some warmth in this cold night. But more than the warmth of a blanket I would cherish the warm breaths of my girl, my lovely lady. It’s been more than a year since me and my girl got together. As she gets into bed with me switching the light off. I’m holding her hand near to my breath as I look at her glaring face from the undetected moon light entering through one of the lop-sided blind on the window. Being spent so many months together with her I can realize that the calm of her face is gone, her face looks as if there is a whole another story going inside her which I’m unaware of. I need to know what’s up with her but not tonight. Tomorrow morning perhaps. I’m about to sleep but a good sleep is always incomplete without an interrupting phone call. It’s my best bud. He wants to ask if he and one of his friend I’m acquaintance with could crash at my place for a day or two. They are coming to my town for a job interview and don’t have anyone known here. Cursing him for asking such a small thing, I invited them both and went to sleep hanging up the phone. It is another morning today. I am in a rush to leave for my office, informing my girl that the guys will be joining us by today evening I left for my job. The day has past. It was a tiring one at the office today. I’m picking up the guys from a location they shared with me. As we meet and greet I see new ID cards around their necks and I ask what was up with them. It wasn’t about the interview, they already got the job. It was their first day here. They already had a place looked up, it was to be handed over to them in next two days. Congratulating them both on the new jobs and asking to plan a celebration for the same I take them to my place. We had a few drinks along the way. Reaching home, me, my girl and the guys go around the block to grab a bite. We four of us have been around for a while it is just that I haven’t had such a good communication bond with my BFF’s friend. Talking to each other, cracking jokes, laughing my bud calls upon to a special fact that it is going to be my birthday in next two days. Walking back home we discussed what drinks are going to be there and where the dinner should be at. The next day as I returned from the office I see a hand bag and a suit case lying around in the lobby, might be of the guys as they were going to shift to their new apartment. I look up for milk in the fridge to make a good hot cup of coffee. But my bad luck, there isn’t any milk in the fridge. I take a walk to the dairy booth at the end of the block to get some milk. As I’m returning towards my house. I see my girl calling my cell, I pick it up and in a very low and scared voice she asked me where i was, I’m almost about to reach my house so I tell her I just went to grab a bottle of milk as there wasn’t any in the fridge, listening to me she hangs up the phone. She has been acting weird lately, I must talk to her about it tonight as she gets back from her office. I am at the curve at the end of my tower, where my apartment is. As I turn putting my phone in my pocket. I am stunned to see my girl holding those hand bags and the suit case which was lying in the lobby. I don’t understand what is happening. Before I could ask anything to her she said, “Happy Birthday and Sorry” and just walks out on me. The milk bottle and my phone are dropped from either of my hands. I’m not able to judge what has happened. I’m standing there like a statue looking at her get all her stuff in a cab and walk out of my life. I enter my house sitting on the bed like a mad man I hear a door bell. It’s my bud returned from work. I ask about his friend where was he? “He already shifted”, my bud replied. He asks me where my girl was. I told him the whole thing. He’s trying to reach her number but it’s switched off. He asks me to call any of her friends and ask what has happened, if they know where she went. I have reached one of her friends over the phone and what she told me is rather disturbing. Remember the guy my bud brought with him. My acquaintance. Well, my girl and him have had a thing going on for a while. They have been dreadfully serious as well. That guy who I invited to my place as a friend has taken my girl, my precious away from me. I am in deep sorrow. The pain in intolerable. The head aches, the restlessness, the sore feeling is never ending. And I wake up with a bad head rush. My head hurts I’m feeling pathetic. I am feeling depressed. My roommate looks at me in a curious manner and asks me, “what’s wrong?”. “I don’t know, I had a dream. But it was real. I feel all of it. Even now when I’m awake. I can feel the pain the restlessness the depression.”, I replied telling him the whole thing. “See you couldn’t even get a hold on your girl in your dreams it’s better you don’t have one in real-life”, he storms out laughing at me. It doesn’t feel like a dream. It feels like I just looked inside my own mind in a parallel universe.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

A Valentine’s Day Story

It’s 8:00 o’clock at night time to leave for the office, the weather is quite beautiful. No sign of clouds, the good cold breeze flowing all around. Everything is just perfect for a joyful drive to the office. Igniting the engine, pressing down on the gas paddle I’m all set to cover this distance of 47 KM in the shortest time with the help of my undoubtedly excellent driving skills or so I think. I’m cruising along the streets to the highway. The roads were never this clear to my eyes, ever. It’s like I’m seeing everything better than Ultra HD. The glossy paint on nearby cars, the shine of tar on the road, it has never been more realistic. I have just taken my turn towards expressway, shifting down a gear, pressing the gas paddle making my car roar like a beast on the road I'm furious. Cruising right and left cutting trough the traffic I see a fellow car cruising just the way I am. I get next to her. The driver in that blue hatchback looks at me and we have a hypothetical handshake with a cool smile on our faces. We are now cruising along side by side, no speed limit makes it more interesting. I’m in the lead at one moment and him at other. It is so fabulously amazing.  I look at the speed-o-meter and it says a 140Km/h. We guys are flying on the road. It’s my time to take the exit from the expressways to be on the route to my office. We bid each other a thumbs up and now I am taking the exit towards Gurgaon. My vehicles speed is still about a 140Km/h. The road is dark, no street lights are up. There are only a few people standing by the road staring at me as I go like a flash. Suddenly the smile on my face is changed to a shock. There is a girl walking towards my speeding car crossing the road not looking or listening to my honking horn. I pushed down my brake paddle with all the strength in my legs. My eyes are constantly stuck at her to judge her every step. My heartbeat has spiked, the adrenaline is rushing through my body. My tires are skidding on the road, making a loud noise, I can smell the burning rubber but she is still not looking towards me, she is wearing all black from head to toe. Her face is all covered with her hairs. I'm trying my best to get around her. Finally, after a long few seconds, i have managed to save her. I'm stopping my car to walk back and check if she is okay. As I get out of my car and run back to where she was crossing the road, I'm stuck by confusion and fear. What I see is I can't believe. There is no one on the road just a few men standing by the road staring at me like I am a fool. I ran to one of the men standing there and ask if he saw where that girl went. Making a confused face he replies, " What girl? Are you drunk?" Shocked by his reply I ask him again in a stammering voice, " There was that girl crossing the road wearing all black, she was just there. You saw me break. Why else would I break so hard?". Thinking either I'm drunk or crazy he walks away saying, "  You are crazy, nobody was there. You were coming too fast and braked like a maniac in the middle of the road." My hands are shaking as I look around. I see a man staring at me from a distance. I walk up to him and ask about the girl and what he said left me speechless. "You saw her too? Many people claim to have seen her. It is said on this day, 14th February of 2014, there happened an accident right there at the spot you hit the brakes. The girl was crossing the road when a speeding vehicle came and hit her. She bled out through her face on this road and was kissed by Death itself before any assistance could have arrived. She is only seen by speeding drivers here on this night every year. On this night it was you who she met. Drive carefully young man", telling me this story he started walking towards a car parked at the side of the road very unevenly like he was just next to me while I hit the breaks. I am so scared and confused as I rush to my car, getting inside I locked my doors. As I try to start my engine my attention is brought to the fact that there was no other car on the road while I forcefully maneuvered my car. I'm starting to sweat as I try to look back through my rear window. What I saw just made me lose my calm I rushed my car key through the ignition ring starting the engine, I took off like a Jet attempting to meet the skies.The fact that there was nobody on the road has scared me pretty well. Was it just my imagination or I had a conversation with a ghost about another ghost. I can not determine. 

[renaissanceofthoughts]

The Switch

No body knows if they want to be a saint or a thief from the beginning of their life. It does not work that way. Most of the time it’s the situation that leads the path of life. Same is the case with love. You do not choose to love some body it just happens. Out of the blue. It’s all of a sudden that you start to have sleepless nights, mind full of thoughts and you start dreaming with your eyes wide open. Well, not all dreams are meant to be true. Some learn it the easy way and others, the hard way. A broken dream feels like if you were flying your wings out in the sky and some one just pulled your leg, put you down on the ground and cut the wings so you could never fly again. A broken dream is a phenomenon which often results in a broken heart. Need less to say that a broken heart feels more painful than 10 snakes biting you simultaneously. You sure can deal with a snake bite but there is not a quick fix for this crack inside your chest. Science says a human body can only bear upto 45 Dels of pain, until and unless you are kicked in your balls, then you can handle upto 9000 Dels of pain. The point is when there is a limit set for physical pain, a bar is also set for the emotional pain one can carry. And when you have that amount of emotional pain resting in you, You just start to love the feeling of sorrow. You won’t find joy in friendly gatherings or the comfort listening to your favourite genre of music. You like this bad and filthy feeling of sadness and sorrow and suffering. Your addiction to this feeling is begun. It’s a world truth that some way or the other each and every addiction is injurious to your health. If only there was a rehab centre for this addiction too, but there isn’t any. And one day while staring at your wall you get your eyes across one of the most useful innovation of all time, THE SWITCH. You wish if one was there inside of you, labeled with every emotion a human body feels, to turn it on and off. Is it crazy to think so? May be. But if it helps then, why not? Soon you realise it was there all this time and you never noticed. As religious people say, if you have faith in GOD you can find GOD, all you got to do is look hard enough. In this case its just a man made switch, you just need to believe it to be there and there it is. “Congratulation! you found the switch, bravo.”, says the devil in you, wanting to pursue you to flip the switch and get over your good/bad judgmental part. As soon as you flip the switch the addiction is gone. You don’t think twice doing anything, you just do it like NIKE. It is a better feeling, you don’t give a damn for anything. You now own your own leash and you choose to let yourself free. We all have that switch within us. While some choose not to some of us have to flip this Switch. For well being of our own or others, let keep it selfish because, who cares? I flipped it ; )

[renaissanceofthoughts]

The Phase

There is no catching up with time, whats gone is gone, either we can mourn the past or live up fully to the present to make the best of our future. All these wise words and saying keeps no meaning over a broken heart, a lost love. All the mind can understand is that somewhere you are in pain, somewhere it hurts overlooking the facts and reality of life, what’s prioritised is the sorrow, the mourning of that part of you which died as the love of your life took off. All the senses are dead, all the emotions are flowing all over irrespective of the situation creating a sense of confusion, whether to cry out loud for help or just laugh at your own-self being it a “I told you so” situation. The one thing thats happy at this moment is the subconscious, emotionless, fact based, logical, judging part of you, smiling all over your un-broken tears and saying “You fool, why don’t you learn to trust me, why don’t you listen to me huh?, YOU better listen to me now and give some meaning to what i say”. All you want now is to silence this part of you, to stop all the mocking, the best possible solution you see is getting drunk, bathing in alcohol. At a moment you get a 70% water to booze volume by volume in your body, you don’t see that you are killing yourself, Why do you do so?, you ask, well because you think you are already dead, you think you have lost the very thing that made you feel alive, what made the miserable life of yours worth living. You forget all the time that you lived before the love stuck, no remembrance of the memories before this time what so ever. All you know, all you remember is the time you loved and were loved. This mourning goes on until the very first tear of recovery breaks down from your eyes and by the time passes that one drop of tear acts as a seed of coming showers of tear. Every single, little or big, thing about your love starts flashing in front of you, the memories, the promises, the imaginary world you had in your mind passes in front of you giving you the last salute of remembrance. The time has come to stand tall on your feet and move on, but that move on is just an alias for just suppressing everything and putting it in a box inside you somewhere locked safe. You see you never really move on, you just learn to live with everything good and bad, the empty side of your bed. You laugh, start enjoying again, people think you are all good now you have moved on but what they don’t see is that while you are taking a selfie you are not alone your love is still there standing right next to you all posed for the click invisible to the eyes of who didn’t lived that moment at the first place.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

The End

She came in my life as a miracle when i had no hope for one to happen. She is the prettiest face of love, an angel from above sent for me. The bond between us has grown over time. She is very close to me now. Just the way i want her to be. When she is with me i feel i have everything, everything i could ever ask from my life. She makes me happy. The way she smiles, the way she laughs wins my heart every time. She has touched me in a way that i feel like she has started living in me and when i miss her i want to rip myself and find her, to see her, to tell her, that i love her. I just want to keep her for me. Keep her by my side always. Holding hand in hand. Kiss her every second of my life. But it is not all. I just don’t want her to be with me physically. I wan her with me emotionally too. I don’t only want to kiss her but i also want to know that the same storm raises in her too which arise in me when i kiss her. It may not mean her a lot but it matters to me the most. I know she feels for me now, i don’t know how much, may be a bit but she does. 

Why don’t she say it?

What is she scared of?

What is holding her back?

I want to know because it hurts me when she walks away on me when i ask her about it. I don’t want to rush anything on her. I just want to calm my heart by knowing that this thing, what’s going on between us right now, is real. It would really make me happier and joy full and keep me holding on to the believe in us. It depresses me when she don’t want to talk about us. I don;t know if she feels that my love is worthy of her or not, or may be i am not worthy of her. I know she cares for me but i am still in a dilemma if she values me. May be one day she will move over me like i was nothing to her where as i already gave her my every breath and every beat of my heart. Every morning i wake up alone on my bed makes me feel sad and the very first thought that comes in my mind and the very first name that comes on my tongue is hers. Every second i pray and wish that i could hold on to her for ever and not as just a friend but much more than that. Even when is with me, the moment where i can see her, feel her my prayers do not stop. My love for her is growing every moment i live with her and if she keeps denying me if she keeps walking away from me with out confrontation i am going to drown in my own sorrow and every thing i wished for will just leave me as a dream not lived. My life will end and i am scared to live my last breath without her being mine.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Possession

Till now i felt there was nothing good in my life, when she knocked the doors. I have been amazed by the fact that how much change can some one bring in to you as they keep their first steps in. Time changed each day. I had no clue when i started to develop feelings of attraction towards her and when did that little feeling of attraction changed in a unshakable feeling of love and promises. Promises i had done to myself to always make her laugh, always be the guardian whenever she needs one, always be there in her worst to help her to support her to share the pain she feels yet never to be around to share the happiness as i always wish all of it to her. I am happy today even if i am hurt because i have a believe that she going to come around to ease my pain. It’s all going good, it’s all going great. I was blindly following my heart. A strange thing happened today. I am put under some serious series of questions. I am stunned. I have no answers to them. I have just lost my mind. My lips are sealed my head is down. I could deny the questions put on me but the way my heart has started to ache is the proof of that it’s all true. All i want right now is to bath in booze but i have my reasons not to do so. I am scared. I just lost my way. The only path i knew has been taken from me. I am broken and i am down, nothing feels right regardless of the fact that every thing is. I am no stone. I breath, i feel.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Embrace

I am sitting and listening songs as i browse through some pictures in my laptop. I am seeing a picture of a place where i first met her at an event. The current has started to flow in my brain and here it is, a connection has been created, a memory has been triggered. Flash back moment. As the moment ends i am thinking of her. It’s been two days i have not heard from her. I am lonely, i feel alone. She is the only one person completing me, the one who makes me feel alive, one who has opened the door to a beautiful world, that i didn’t know co-existed with a horrible world i lived in, for me. I miss her. It’s been around more than 22 times i have checked my phone for a call or a text from her. But i find nothing. It really hard for me to hold myself together sometimes when she is not around me. Although she has opened the door to happiness, she has kept the key for herself so it could be opened only by her. I don’t feel like i am wrong in loving her, missing her and neither is she in feeling just the opposite of what i do. I can understand she might have been busy for these two days as i was too. She do not owe me anything, she don’t have to life her life on my terms, she will decide to talk to me or not, to think of me or not, who am i to decide for her or to ask her to do so. All i can do is just suffer in silence and let the poison of loneliness and unexpressed emotions do its job to kill me slowly. I have to brace myself for time to come, its not going to be any easier on me. I have chosen a road paved of burning coal and thorns, on which i have to walk bare feet for endless miles and i have come too far to even know where i started and go back. I am going to keep walking till i find my destination or burn down to ashes, let the stars play their games and hope for a better tomorrow where i enthral the one who possesses the key.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Loneliness

 It has been a hectic day. I am tired. It’s night. I haven’t talked to her properly since morning. I am missing her way too much. I am texting her. After a whole day of her thoughts i am talking to her. It feels good and relaxing. She seems to be busy some where. I have no idea. It’s not feeling like she’s interested in talking right now. She didn’t say so i am still texting her. I am online listening to some songs and i see a link to a song named “TU PYAAR HAI KISI AUR KA TUJHE CHAHTA KOI AUR HAI”. It sort of fits to my situation right now so i thought i would give it a listen. As the songs start i am frozen. It’s feels real. It feels like some one is singing my pain to me. I am depressed. I am upset. I cant think right. I feel like crying, throwing stuff, i feel like breaking something. My eyes are all red. I have scratched my own wound and now it bleeds. 

“Tu Nazar me hai kisi aur ki tujhe dekhta koi aur hai”

“Tu pasand hai kisi aur ki tujhe mangta koi aur hai”

“Tu jaan hai kisi aur ki tujhe janta koi aur hai”

“Tu pasand hai kisi aur ki tujhe mangta koi aur hai”

I am speechless i can’t describe what i am feeling right now. It’s just horribly painful. I can’t control myself. I am just drowning in sorrow. What i want right now is to be left alone. I want to just dope and ease my mind. It hurts bad. It’s really late in the night, i am picking up my car key and i am just driving to no where. It’s been a while i am driving. I am just crossing the front of her residence. And i kept driving. Engine is roaring, rubber is burning. I can listen to the the sound of tyres as my car drifts from corner to corner. My eyes are wide open. I have no idea where i am. I don’t know what place i am at. I am lost. It’s been an hour she is still busy somewhere where as i burn myself in hell. I hear my music system playing songs and i turn up the volume.

“Bass ek haan ki Guzaarish”

“Fir hogi khushyioon ki Baarish”

“Tanhayee dass rahi h aur dadhkan bad rahi h”

“Ek pal bhi chain aye na”

I don’t know at what speed i am driving and i don’t want to know. I just want to keep driving and escape this world forever. 

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Hurt

It’s a beautiful life living with her. I feel complete. I am happy. She is all i need from this life. Life is good, it’s going great. A million thanks to the universe would still be nothing for bringing her in my life. As i live a great happy season of love, peace and joy with her there is always a storm coming to crush all my hopes, to ruin everything. Days that later in time are going to covert in beautiful unforgeable memories are always followed with the time of a little heartbreak, pain, tears, sadness. I am talking to her, she is curious about my post on tumblr. She thinks there is something going on with me, while my post is just as casual as anything i do. In fact it’s something beautiful for her, all she need to do is remember some time we spend together and read it. But it all is going the wrong way. She seems to talk uncaring. It is hurting me. I don’t know how and what i did to make her mad but i did something wrong. As i am hurt i am getting angry and as i am getting angry my thinking capabilities are getting low. It’s been hours none of us has spoken a word, we are both mad at a reason unknown and it’s killing me. I want to talk to her but she isn’t replying. I am getting depressed. I can’t stand the thought of her being mad on me. I am apologising to her for everything i just wan’t to make up with her. She replies. I am at peace to hear from her. I am explaining her “it’s all my fault that you are mad at me i am really sorry for everything”. She understands. My eyes are full of tears in them. Tears just ready to drop out of my eyes and run down my face. The pain is not what makes a hard heart mellow, its the patching of the wound, the treatment of the pain by the one you love that makes a stone heart melt. I am ready to apologise to her all of my life, for my mistakes or her’s, till she is there for me to accompany me in this journey of mine called LIFE.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Parallel Universe

What ever i do, where ever i go she is always in my thoughts. Every time i feel tired of this busy life i am having her thoughts are always here to relax me. The smile of her kissable lips. The depth of her compelling eyes. Her fascinating fragrance. They are just not leaving me alone for even a single second of time.  The feeling i have is overwhelming. By now she knows everything what i have for her, we have some great memories together that i hope she also does not want to forget ever. Lost in her thoughts i am living in a parallel universe created by my mind. Here the first thing i feel, first thing i see and the last thing i remember every day is she. There is no distance between us here, neither between our heart & soul nor between our bodies. She is always close to me. She is always with me. We laugh, we cry, we cuddle, what ever we do there is no me and no you, all there is just us and we. Here i am not afraid that i will hurt her. Here she is only mine. Here i kiss her, i hug her, i sing for her, i cook for her when ever i want. Here none of we both hide anything.  Here we are connected. Here, whenever i tell her how much i am in love with her, i don’t hear the silence, here she replies. And her replies are worth suffering any pain for. This place created by mind is so real to be unreal. But i cant stay here for ever as she awaits me in the real world. I know she have things in her she wants to say but what i don’t know is what’s holding her back, why is she not letting her thoughts her feelings for me come out. She like the things she should not she is comfortable with the situation where she should not be. She knows what’s in her or not i have no idea but all i know is you just cant tell anyone how they feel for you, they must figure it out by their own. I wish and pray that she gets all the answers to her questions soon as it’s going to be hard for me to even breath without her. The time is near when i will be blind without her. 

[renaissanceofthoughts]

10 posts!

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Rain

It’s 6:00 in the morning, she just gave me call to wake me up as i requested her to do last night, i am out for a walk. Weather is cold than other days though its the start of summer. Cold wind blowing past me makes me remember of the time i spent with her at Mussoorie. I have lost track of the path and i am just watching the movie of thousand thoughts of her combined in one. My sleepy eyes have started to glow the dull face of the morning is brightened with a smile. I am remembering the time she teased me while we took photographs of ourselves. I am reliving the time of our talks on the open roof of the hotel we stayed at. I am seeing her as i first saw her look so cute, beautiful, pretty through my phone’s camera as i took a picture of her with a cute puppy. My time just froze for a minute there and now too. I am feeling the crazy feeling that i had for her that she just for once open her arms for me so i could stay in them forever. I am back to my room after a long walk and the movie is not over yet. As i enter my room my eye’s are stuck at my bed my foot stop walking. I am remembering the nights she spent at my place sleeping like a beautiful princess. I am feeling the same urge as i had for the first time to hug her to keep looking at her, in her eyes searching for myself. I can hear her voice all around me i can feel her presence in me. The air i breath is filled with her aroma. This day is no longer my day. She and her thoughts have stolen it from me. Its her name written all over it. After such a beautiful morning i am burning, my soul is on fire. The realization of the fact that though she’s in my life but i won’t be able to life it with her has set me on fire. Sitting outside thinking of her feeling the screaming of pain i feel water dropping from wide open skies, its sunny yet it’s raining just on me it’s like the universe feels my pain and want the suffering to end.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Helpless

I am sitting and remembering the night i recently spent with her just a day ago. It was the greatest degree of happiness i had till now. Whenever she is around it seems my stars change and the time becomes so beautiful that i want it to freeze right there and keep on living the same day, same night over and over again. I seem to have figured out a way to call her over again, i am going to cook her dinner tonight. I have called her and told her that i would be picking her up in next two hours. I have a short window for making some tasty food for her, i am out shopping for the ingredients. It’s been an hour i have been cooking, i am hungry, can’t even stand right, feeling dizzy but i have to do the job. I want her here with me. The food is cooked, i hope she likes it because not only there are spices in it but all the love i have for her. She is here now and we are going to start our dinner. She says it looks good, the food. I hope it’s worth of her taste too. Her expressions are saying that i am successful, and i am happy, happy that i could have such an opportunity to do so little for her. We finished our meal and now we are talking about stuff and plan to watch a movie. By movie it means that she will be watching the movie and i would be staring at her, admiring how adorable she is and so it happens. As the time is passing my heart starts beating faster and heavier, it’s all her spell. I feel funny inside so i hold myself together and step up to ask for hug, if she could provide me with one. She say’s no as she is lost in the movie. I start to feel sad. I am lying down quite. After a few minutes i feel her hand on my face, she is petting it with love. There is a tsunami in me. I try to stay calm from outside but from the inside i am distorted. I feel like bound in chains i want to break free of. I am screaming inside, crying and helpless inside. It’s the first time in years i feel like shredding some tears but these damn eyes make me feel like i am dead inside. I just want to stand up, hold her and pull her towards me and hug her tight. Movie has ended she’s going to sleep now, she asks me why am i being so quiet. I tell her it’s about a hug i requested a while ago. She explains me her reason and she welcomes me with open arms. As i hug her i feel free of those chains, the screaming has gone and i don’t feel helpless any more. I am just giving her a piece of my mind that i know she does not feel anything for me, that i am just a friend for her, but it does not deny the fact that she is not just a friend for me she is the one my heart beats for. I am letting her know that i don’t ask her to love me as whatever she is doing for me is already more than i deserve but i ask her to provide me with a hug once in a while to let me hold hands with her because these small things brings so much joy to me that nothing would ever will. I ask her if i am asking too much of her. She denies in a very different voice i never heard coming out of her. It’s been morning we lost the night to the beautiful talks i lost my night loving her as i always do. Seeing her tired i take her hand and with a simple and gentle kiss on it i bid her a beautiful sleep. I can’t stop looking at her and i am having her dreams though she is just a breath away from me.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Connection

She’s coming over to my place today, we will be watching movies, enjoying each others company and i wish she spends the night here. I want to spend the most of the time of my life with her. I am very impatient, i can’t wait any longer for her to be in my sight. Finally i am leaving to pick her up and bring her back to my place. She’s finally here. She is sitting right beside me. She looks so pretty, so beautiful. We are watching a live cricket match on the TV set. As i look upon her i see her playing with her hair, it’s cute. I start to tease her on that and now i get back a few punches from her in return of it. Although it hurts me physically yet provides me joy and peace emotionally. Feeling loved. It’s beautiful how our parent’s love us for years and still can’t teach us what love is and then that one special someone comes in life and teach us everything, to love and to be loved. I can’t take my eyes off of her. My Cinderella.I want to hold hands with her and be in the same state as long as i can. I try to reach her hand but can’t. I lie down on my bed as i feel little sleepy just to relax for a while as she sits right next to me, i am unable to find my pillow so i take her hand and rest it under my head. No pillow could be this comfortable ever. I ask her if it’s uncomfortable to her and she denies. But i know she is being uncomfortable, may be her hand hurts. It’s been a good time watching the game with her now we are eating. There is something special about her eating too and that’s her expressions. I just can’t describe them, they are lovely to observe. It’s night and it’s late. All day i have been trying to just get her hand in mine and let them connect me to her. We had dinner and are about to sleep now. Getting her glasses off she is all set to travel the dream land of her beautiful imaginations where as me, i am already living the dream from which i never wan’t to wake up. After a while i turn back to her i find her sound asleep. Don’’t know why i am still up. All i can do is stare at her pretty face. Her hand is right next to my face, i hold it, i wan’t to kiss it, but instead i take it under my head. I wish it could connect me to her and take me to her dream world where we could be together forever. And now i sleep at peace right next to the one who’s my sunset and my sunrise. I wish i could keep her for me to eternity.

[renaissanceofthoughts]

Believe

I am starting to give up me, since i haven’t talked to her i feel broken i feel lost. I made the choice of not talking to her i am the one suffering my demon is destroying me. The only saviour i had is the one i let go, my angel. Was my feelings for her that little that anger could come between our spirits? What has happened? i ask myself, i am at sorrow. It’s been a whole day of suffering for me not talking to her. It’s not that i don’t want to, my demon holds me back. I have to believe in what ever i have for her to get her back to get myself back. I am texting her now with the believe that its not that weak of a bond between us that anything could take her away from me. I have her reply and i know she is mad at me and she’s not wrong. I am who’s at fault. I apologize to her for whatever i did for what ever i said for however i reacted to her. Turns out she is a greater person than me, she the angel with a wise heart forgives me that very instant. I can’t stop apologizing to her. I can feel she has forgiven me. We are talking casually. Its been a while talking its late i am saying goodbye for the night. A simple text from her saying Miss You strikes me. I am at joy, i cherish but at the same time i am upset realizing i hurt the girl who cares for me. But one thing good that one simple text did was to make my believe much stronger and i am not going to quit believing in whatever i have for her because she’s the potion to my poison. Without her the poison i have in me is going to kill me. I believe.