memoirs of a fangirl @rendezvouswithvam - Tumblr Blog

I think Bam was onto something when he claimed to be haunted by many of HIM's old songs in his open letter to Ville, in fear many song might have been lyrically about him and Ville's relationship to him, which he was too blind to see at the time.

Bam has told in many an interview despite the subject matter, that he would only do the gay stuff when drunk, and he totally wouldn't do the gay stuff if he wasn't so drunk. Which he was. Famously, all the time. He would visit Ville in Helsinki to get drunk with him every chance he got. Meanwhile there's Ville, writing lyrics like "the blood on our hands is the wine we offer as sacrifice." It's really not that far out there for Bam to think some songs might have been about him, in my honest opiNION.

OPINIONS! I know everybody's got them just like assholes, but the thing about yours is I don't want to hear about it. If you think I have too much time on my hands, think again, 'cause yeah, I am that hyperfixating autistic house spouse who will have the time to delve as deep and hard as Bam probably did. Amirite? I will scream ableist at you if u try me. In my personal weird highness, I think it's tasteless to comment on every video of Ville on youtube that they want to have the babies of this hot stranger. But that's ok.

Is it wrong to catch feelings for your friend and write songs about it? Even if he's a famous goth rocker and he's an infamous skater boy? Would you be bothered by that? Cause that wouldn't bother me at all.

Alright.

It was long ago. Got into Bloodhound Gang, thought they were funny as fuck fresh out of age, watched all the tube videos there were, downloaded a bunch of stuff from Limewire and KaZaa for more hilarity, and that is how I got into Viva La Bam, CKY, Jackass, Radio Bam, Dreamseller, Turku's Dolce Vita Festival of 2009, and most importantly HIM. And for the sake of this analysis:

The True Fanfiction Fantasia that was Bam and Ville's friendship from the deepest shadows until their Venus doom.

Let me get some disclaimers out first. Scroll to OK GO for the essentials.

First and foremost. Ville supports and encourages all rumours there is of him and his band. He fabricated lies and rumours about himself constantly, and seems to enjoy the stories the wilder they get. Who is he to cut the wings of all those beautiful stories, Ville asks in that 2014 interview.

Then there was this clip of Ryan Dunn behind a meet and greet table exclaiming to the cameras how thankful he is for all the girls who draw those gay pictures of him and Bam. Wish I could find it now. There's no such thing as rumours for Bam.

So who's to say I can't discuss the biggest rockstar my country ever saw, or the Jackass superstar who made a worldwide spectacle out of his fanaticism of my country's superhero and their friendship? Not many have that kind of authority over Ville's heartfelt commends and my free will.

So if you think his and Bam's relationship all those years ago was all just fanfic, not based in reality any way, even after this little forth coming thesis, you're free to please gtfo or write your own thoughts on your own page regarding some two decade old twisted fantasy from the depths of fansites, that doesn't change anything that was or wasn't plastered right in front of our faces from every direction; a relationship between two strange people I have both never met. Oh! That's right! If you were about to be a dense smartass and spew some expired shit like "you can't talk about the relationships between two strangers you've never met!", you would be WRONG.

It is a true story, but Ville and I had an intimate moment at the railway station in Tampere in early 2009, when he was hurrying to Marko Annala of Mokoma to do an interview with Soundi. I later bought that magazine and every other magazine that starred Ville and his pretty face on the cover. Anyway, Ville walked past me and looked me straight in the eyes and freaking waited for me to go say hi to him a little further down the hallway. He stopped within my eyesight to put a cigarette to his face, and left a little while later after doing nothing else, cause I was too jelly kneed to go over.

It was 6 months later when I tricked my friends to travel 300km to Turku for the infamous sex conference of 2009 solely to meet Bam, Frantz, Chad, and Dunn, and to catch a glimpse of Belladonna. Succeeded in all but catching glimpsi of Belladonna's titties. I had a fun moment with Chad and Dunn. Nobody was asking for Chad's autograph at the meet and greet, but I asked for his and he just lit the fuck up :D He joked to Dunn that "hey this girl knows me!" and Dunn busted up laughing :D This was right after Dunn grabbed my hands with both of his and yelled with the biggest smile on his face that he was glad to have me there. Hugged Bam a minute later but since I was entirely jellied and freaking out more the closer I got, I couldn't even say nothing, but he smiled like an angel at a feak like me, so it coulda been worse.

So THERE. Sucks to be u!

OK let's GO.

From the beginning of HIM's lyrical journey until Razorblade Romance the lyrics are in theme occultic and romantically gothic, often of a love or yearning experienced between the teller and an other. If it was a love song, it was about her. All the old demos and old b-sides, and all the singles. Like Right Here in My Arms for example.

Ville has said many times in the past that he is clumsy in communicating his feelings to loved ones to their face, but is skillful in conveying his feelings into lyrics and music. "Words are just barriers", even if his are such poetry. He has pretty much always written about his personal relationships, and hadn't found a good enough reason to write about anything else.

Bam heard the song on his way to Finland for the first time for a skating contest. The story is a little different in each of Bam's tells, like this completely different story in the Synnin Viemää book, where they claim something insane about Bam initially checking HIM out at their website before ever coming to Finland. The actual gist is Bam saw Ville's photo on a Finnish magazine in the airplane on his way down to Helsinki, kept seeing his pictures everywhere dowtown, and the first thing he sees on the hotel room tv was probably Jyrki Countdown, a music video programme and the gold medal place went deservedly to HIM. Like succumbed, Bam sprinted to the closest Anttila or Free Record Shop to buy that fateful album.

That was it for Bam. He loved every song on that album better than the last. He loved that album so much he bought all the rest of HIM's catalogue that the local Helsinki record stores and Ebay had to offer - the singles, ep's, lp's, t-shirts, belt buckles, the magazines, and posters especially of Ville. Sorry, Bam wrote the rules :P Watch any old CKY video and you'll see.

From that point onwards HIM and Ville was plastered all over Bam's productions and his bedroom walls. Ville brought this up a few times in past interviews, that Bam would decorate his old bedroom walls with the old HER leaflets left behind at the house Bam bought for April and Phil. Allegedly the number of the album covers plastered all over Bam's bed were in the thousands, if you believe anything Ville says.

Cause that man is a liar with a long obtruding appendage in his immediate front, and it just gets longer the more he breathes words out. Bam's a big support of that. Ville lies constantly in interviews, for example: which is true about Ville's assumed sexual orientation? A: he's a bisexual wannabe, B: he's not homosexual, C: him = homo D: he is hetero. The answer is all of them. He has said all of these, in that chronological order over the course of barely knowing Bam and him marrying Missy. Is there a little queen in Ville? You be the judge.

Bam met Ville in 2000 in London on Halloween night at The Garage club, where Jenn got the genius idea to knock on the backstage door and introduce themselves with heavy Philly accents as Bam from MTV to the gate's keeper Seppo. Seppo was intrigued and let them in to meet the band. There's photos and everything. Bam has the cute blond buzzcut in those photos.

That seems to have been it for Ville too. Ville had already finished many songs for the new album, but the lyrics are all different on Deep Shadows. The stories told from that point on are ambiguous in who the opposing party is in the yearning. It's only ever you now, but there are three entities in the stories; the teller, a you: a him or a separate her. The yearned person in these stories Ville wrote, after meeting Bam, was not her anymore.

Album full of stuff like:

I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life ♪ And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time And I'm not going to Lose you tonight ♪

Love is a flame that can't be tamed And though we are its willing prey, my darling, We are not the ones to blame ♪ Our heaven is worth the waiting ♪ Keep on pretending It will be the end of our craving ♪ It's alright. ♪

Just one look into your eyes One look and I'm crying 'Cause you're so beautiful ♪ Just one kiss and I'm alive ♪ One kiss and I'm ready to die ♪ Just one touch and I'm on fire ♪

If Joy And Sorrow, Please Don't Let It Go, In Love And Lonely, Don't Close Your Heart and the rest of the latter album ain't a bunch of breakup songs for a mysterious you then I'm gonna eat my hat and I'm gonna do it with no witnesses around.

At this time Ville had already ended his relationship with the mysterious Susanna, but Ville and Jonna didn't start dating until 2003. All the lyrics after Deep Shadows could all be of Jonna or an other woman, but it's weird that Ville wouldn't specify such a detail like the sex of the yearned opponent in his lyrics from his time with her. If the songs are of a woman, how come the drastic change in the lyrical themes since the previous albums? Why the sudden ambiguity? Think about that until I get to Love Metal lyrics, and hold on to your hat, cause it gets juicy.

Bam saw HIM in concerto more than a few times after the European fall dates of 2000, but invited HIM to play a concert in Philadelphia along with CKY in the next August. Bam brought HIM to their first ever gig in the states and made the band fly in first class for the preview party of Bam's new film CKY3. Ville requested for HIM to be the first band to play that night at the Trocadero theater, but Bam called the shots and made CKY play first.

Perhaps it was during this invitation when Bam suggested the infamous threesome to Jenn (or Missy) and Ville? Who knows. All I know is Ville said no to at least to that. And all I gotta ask, why would Ville or Jenn (or Missy in a million years) ever say yes to that? Would you want to have your up and coming, obsessed hot american friend fucking you in front of his girlfriend who will surely, quickly and inevitably be cast aside out of her impetuous boyfriend's way, left forgotten in the sidelines as soon as her boyfriend is done ripping your panties off staring you down like a predator pupils dilated to the size of saucers? In front of his girlfriend? Idk that sounds freaky to me. Not a good idea. Total annihilation actually. Good call for Ville to say no to THAT.

After all THAT Bam continued to see Ville every chance he got, flying to Helsinki any time he had at least four days to spare in his calendar. They would bar hop together all over Helsinki, get drunk together, barely eat or sleep, meet their friends at bars, get the party started and finally crash at Ville's place in the early morn. And Ville was on board with all of this. Would Ville have let that "annoying fanboy" into his HOME for all those years if Bam was just an obsessive fanboy kissing Ville's asshole and dryhumping his legs? Ville invited Bam to do all of that with a smile and giggle on his face and was left waiting for the fanboy to come back in just days or weeks, cause Bam made sure to always come back. Ville didn't waste a chance for any detour the band could take in order to see Bam in the States or around the world either.

This is the same time when Love Metal is in writing stages, and some aspects in his life inspired Ville to write such hit lyrics like:

Again the burden of losing rest Upon my shoulders And its weight seems unbearable ♪ Your tomb is where your heart is, I should've told her But within me hid a secret so terrible ♪ And it feels like I've been buried alive by love ♪ The kiss of vanity blessed me with a spiritual murder And fed the gods of war insatiable ♪ Your tomb is where the dark is, I should've told her And embraced the fire indestructible ♪

She was the sun shining upon The tomb of your hopes and dreams so frail ♪ He was the moon painting you With its glow so vulnerable and pale ♪

(Ok that makes me cry if it was about Bam and the women in their lives.)

She was the wind, carrying in All the troubles and fears you've for years tried to forget ♪ He was the fire, restless and wild And you were like a moth to that flame ♪ The heretic seal beyond divine A prayer to a god who's deaf and blind The last rites for souls on fire Three little words and a question: why? Love's the funeral of hearts And an ode for cruelty And a plea for mercy When love is a gun Separating me from you ♪

Oh my God Ville you celestial heart breaker. My heart is in pieces. What a tragedy.

The truth that could set souls free Is buried within sweet pandemonium ♪ Drained by the anger and grief Faized by the envy and greed The secret cries for a release ♪

We are like the living dead Sacrificing all we have For a frozen heart and a soul on fire ♪ We're falling for disgrace And hate Will shelter us from the rain ♪ We are enslaved By the sacred heart of shame ♪ Addicted to our divine despair The venom of the cross we bear The guilt will follow us to death ♪

I'm sure The Sacrament has a lot of deep meaning behind it aswell, judging how Ville thought it was a great song to make a video for and act like THAT for the main man behind the camera. Did Bam make him act like that? ...Were those the succubus eyes Ville flashed at the cameras like high beams on a dark road - the nymphomaniac eyes Bam yapped on about in that 2019 interview? Who made them both act like that in the bts videos? Who made Bam edit that god damned deep throat slurp scene over Ville's face when his mouth was most wide open? TWICE?? Bam did that.

In the Haggard movie.... dear lord, Peter Steele give me strength, Bam's character's name is Valo and Valo is a perfect angel of a human who can do no wrong. At the end of the movie there's a scene where Jenn is slow dancing to HIM's song Beautiful, referenced earlier. The lyrics get to a point in song where Ville sings "you're so beautiful" but right then Jenn disappears from the screen and instead there's Ville's pretty face from Rock Am Ring 2001 singing that part, never to be seen again in the entire movie when it cuts back to Jenn. You really need to know Bam and his story to have any appreciation for something like that. Haggard is such a case study in an obsessed fanboy who has no difference for fanaticism, obsession, lust and limerance. You can't just walk in blind to a movie like Haggard.

By this point Love Metal is out and Viva La Bam is in filming. Radio Bam starts broadcasting as well on Sirius XM, a satellite radio with millions of listeners and a lot of the audience tuned in for Bam's show. Ville was on the first episode, and whatever happened after he left the radio studio in the middle of recording to get back to the night's venue in time, is a mystery to me, because that night Ville was so wasted babbling drunk he absolutely bombed the show where important record label bosses from New York were in the audience, and HIM was supposed to rock the socks off those big bosses feet. Bam was there on stage with Ville, just as drunk as him, along with all of Bam's crazy drunken crew. The show was an absolute disaster and embarrasment for the band and management, all thanks to Ville and Bam partying together until it was too late to stop. It's all in Kimmo Aroluoma's book.

HIM and Ville, and their Finnish friends made several cameos throughout the 5 seasons of VLB when the band was in the States and around Europe. The partying did not stop and both Bam and Ville looked like they were in love with their lives, everything was going so great and Ville wrote beautiful music that reflected this bursting hopefulness. What ever inspired Ville to write the following lyrics, I'm all about it:

Heaven ablaze in our eyes We're standing still in time ♪ The blood on our hands is the wine We offer as sacrifice ♪ With hell freezing over in our eyes Gods kneel before our crime ♪ Come on and show them your love ♪ Rip out the wings of a butterfly For your soul, my love ♪

In oblivion's garden Her body's on fire Writhing towards the angel defiled To learn how to die In peace with her God ♪ Dark light Come shine in her lost heart tonight And blind All fears that haunt her with your smile ♪

Death served wine for lovers Brought from the world where devils reign And intoxicated angels with sorrow They witnessed in the eyes of their slaves. ♪ We hide behind the crimson door While the summer is killed by the fall ♪ Alive behind the crimson door While the winter sings: "Your love will be the death of me" ♪

WHICH DOOR? THE CRIMSON DOOR ENCRUSTED IN HEARTAGRAMS AT BAM'S CASTLE? THAT DOOR?

Hiding underneath The veil of broken dreams we find her weeping ♪ On her once white wings She will be carrying the weight of our deeds ♪ We see her struggling For her love's last breath And walk off ♪ We smile when she cries a river of tears ♪ A mirror where we see nothing but a reflection of heaven too far away ♪ Drunk on shadows and lost in a lie Killing ourselves, a kiss at a time Devils dance while angels smile ♪

E. T. C.

It goes on like that the entire album.

The second time Ville was a guest on Radio Bam drunk as a Finn, now that was something else. Jenn had already lost her marbles at Bam and his antics by April of 2005, but in this episode recorded in May Bam is already asking Ville to marry him. Well not really, since it was Ville who proposed to Bam first out of bumfuck nowhere. Bam asked if they should get reverend McCoy, yet Ville declined Bam's proposal a moment later, probably because Bam also just asked Novak seconds prior. So who, again, knows what the hell that was about. Well it's not over, and it only gets juicier in the gayest way possible. It's a few long moments of Novak not shutting up later, when Bam orders Ville to suck his ass and declares what a new HIM song should be named in his opinion. What does Ville have to say to that? Positive and pointy "I will", no hesitation nor mistakes made. ...You will do what now, Ville? And you call me a freak for getting intrigued by this fantastic friendship.

Bam was already with Missy at the time, but obviously she wasn't too pressed about (her or) her boyfriend fucking around town or in Helsinki. Looking into old forum posts and comment threads, I get the biggest gist that loyalty in a "monogamous" relationship was not a concern for too many at Bam's castle.

Ville had been with Jonna for less than two years in 2005, and how he proposed to Jonna was apparently by ordering Kat Von D to put a J on his finger milliseconds after getting the bright idea in a party of drunken stupor. Romantic? Romantic depends which way u see it. Another story Ville told about the proposal involved a ring shaped potato chip in their bedroom. Which is it? I have no idea. Third story happened in Ruisrock 2005.

The grande finale of Viva La Bam was filmed in the summer of 2005 in Estonia, Helsinki and Ruisrock, where HIM played their only festival show in their home country. Something happened in Estonia that many fans still whisper of today, but I unfortunately have not a single solitary clue what that story entails. All I noticed in the episode that Ville wouldn't look at the camera at one point. Whatever that means.

There's two stories about Bam's North Philly faggot tattoo on his bum. One he told in an interview with Jonna for a Finnish tv channel, where he claimed some dull g-rated story I can't remember. The story I do remember was unverified from a forum user, and the story goes like this: Andy McCoy walked in on Bam and Ville fucking, or received the news that they were elsewhere currently fucking, and exclaimed what exactly he thinks Bam is in his unfiltered opinion. That simply has to be the true version. That is exactly what Bam would do. Sounds precisely like Andy too.

In 2005 the filming had started for Jackass #2, and HIM was in the midst of their Dark Light album release tour, they continued their fun with and without each other, and Bam was on top of the world. Ville seemed light hearted on the outside, but swiftly during the day with the press, and at night in front of their audience he was drunk, starting the loop again first thing every morning, getting worse every day.

Ville has been openly regretful of this time together with the Jackass crew, hoping he would forget some of the things he did and experienced. Like he has said in interviews years later that Killing Loneliness wasn't about Brandon Novak, even though in 2005 he specifically has said that the song is inspired by Novak and his addiction to heroin. Him giving up to some of that pressure has given me great joy once or twice in the past, but if things went the way it looks like, again, my heart breaks.

In the second Jackass movie Bam's interest towards all kinds of stunts where his asshole is the butt of countless jokes is actually pretty concerning. His dick-brand-on-bum or golden-dildo-up-his-ass or butt-bead-ass-kite stunts probably would have been hilarious if they weren't so crudely void of tact.

When VLB and Jackass 2 were done, MTV was after a new show for Bam. The perfect solution was of course to get Bam married to his Missy by February of 2007. There were talks of a second season where obviously a baby coming along was the entire point, but thank god Bam said absolutely not to that. Anyway, have you seen that movie Infamous, starring Toby Jones? Ville probably has read the book or knows the true crime that inspired the book.

A cold bullet to the chest. Grazing right of the edge of an ornate Heartagram.

HIM had to cancel the rest of their Dark Light tour - the American leg of the tour - in order to start writing new material for the new album. Ville took off to Lapland where polar night was just setting, away from it all, to write the darkest, most personal, most hopeless lyrics he has ever written. Right in time when Ville got back together with his recent ex-girlfriend Jonna. What would you think if you were her, and you watched your boyfriend cry his heart out writing this in the darkness:

Leave all behind now to watch her crawl Through our dark gardens of insanity ♪ She’ll be the light to guide you back home Just give her a kiss worth dying for And open your arms ♪ Grieve all your hearts out and she’ll writhe enthralled In tragic ecstatic agony ♪ And in her flames we will die some more Just show me her life worth living for And light up the dark ♪

DARLING TAKE ME HOME TO THE CASTLE MADE OF SKULLS AND BONES ♪ SING ME A SONG TO REMIND ME WHERE I BELONG IN YOUR ARMS, MY LOVE IN COLD BLOOD ♪

OH MY GOD? YOU MEAN THE LITERAL CASTLE MADE OF GOLDEN SPRAY PAINTED SKULLS AND BONES, THE HOME FOUNDED IN THE MIDDLE OF WEST CHESTER PENNSYLVANIA, VILLE, DO YOU MEAN THAT?

OK. RIGHT. WHatever. It's not that big of a deal.

It's poetry carved in flesh This beautiful Hell of ours ♪ To the deadliest sin we confess (tears of joy fill our eyes) ♪ We are safe where disfigured saints Cry out their prophecies of doom ♪ At the first kiss the seeds of hatred are sown ♪ Back into darkness we flee (to tear our hearts out) ♪ We are safe where all faiths fail Alive inside of our tomb ♪

You had demons to kill within you screamin ♪ With a gun loaded with guilt you opened their eyes ♪ In the heart of our hearts by death we were wed ♪ Bleed well the soul you're about to sell for passion deranged ♪ Bleed well the heart you're about to fail for reasons insane ♪ Kill and tell, baby we're bleeding well' 'In hell' ♪ 'No love lost under her will', I heard you weeping And on those words a church was built to keep the pain in ♪ If death is the answer to love's mysteries Then bleed on my darling to the sound of a dream ♪

I am dead to you, a shadow doomed My love, forever in the dark ♪ And of all untruths the truest is you Too close to my heart ♪ Embracing memories of dreams long gone ♪ One last caress from the corpse of love is all I want ♪

Well Jonna and Ville broke up for good after he wrote that. Broke up right after Bam had gotten married to Missy and Ville was famously absent from the wedding, and so was the rest of HIM.

I don't want to speculate, but watching your boyfriend drink a case of beer every morning and otherwise lose the moomins from his valley when one of his best mates is getting married and won't go to the wedding despite invitations and worldwide expectations, not having any other timely restraints than having to finish this album as soon as possible - even if he was supposed to be on a tour for the previous/current album and take a little vacation after the tour anyway - must not be a great spot to be for the girlfriend of said sad man.

This breaks my heart for so many reasons.

Bam's photobook from 2009 has a little note about this. Bam had written in his notebook that he couldn't understand what could be so important about the recording for Ville to ditch him on his wedding day, how could he not find a way to be there. Well they didn't see or talk to each other again until later in 2007. Bam was busy all year being happy on top of the world basking in Jackass 2/.5 glory freshly locked in wed to a gorgeous girl next door, ready to release a new series on MTV about a jackass getting married. What a concept!

Well not just a concept. Not for all, even if it wasn't that serious for Bam himself.

Ville finished recording the album with HIM, and finally met Bam again after months, almost a year. They met at Chateau Marmont in California. Bam was there for an interview with Huck Magazine, and Ville was in LA to finish the fine prints of Venus Doom. At Chateau Marmont Ville wanted to play his new songs to Bam and wanted him to hear what he had to say. He was always better at communicating his feelings in his music better than he ever could in words to his face, least of all sober. Which he wasn't. They were both thirty beers and two bottles of wine deep in their born again bromance, which the photographer so brilliantly immortalised forever into the retinas, hard drives and fic fodder of thousands of fangirls and boys in the depths of HIM and Bam forums around the globe - the extempore photoshoot which Bam so picturesquely described next to his wife at the radio studio. Drunk off their assholes as soon as they see each other they get their tongues down each others throats, making out all over each other - like Missy would throw herself on Bam like he's hers, not getting enough of each other, making the photographer nervous having to remind Bam that he's still married.

None of that was fanfiction.

That night Ville played those songs to Bam, the songs where Ville wishes someone special a doomed future in their wicked soul trade and how Ville is dead to him and so is his love, just a shadow in the dark. Bam listened to those songs, looked at Ville's pained face, and laughed at him. Bam laughed again when he told the story to his listeners on his radio show. Missy laughed with him, when Frantz asked stunned if Bam actually said to Ville that Bam wishes he was miserable forever cause he writes great songs when he's sad. "Aaahahah!"

o__o

Bam said all of that.

Astonishing. According to Bam, Ville then told him to shut the fuck up, and they continued to party hard. By my calculations this was the same time when Ville went to rehab after of a night of partying gone wrong with Bam at Chateau Marmont, when Bam handed Ville an adderall on top of two bottles of wine and then some, which ignited an asthma attack on Ville which he needed urgent care for. Seppo and the rest of the band/management were furious at Ville for not being any smarter and furious at Bam for inciting borderline lethal levels of intoxication for Ville, which Bam should have recognised and thus been able to deny the pill from Ville.

That next day Seppo put Ville in to a car and sent him to the closest rehab center that was best enough for him, and sternly told Ville to stay away from Bam's business eg his parties.

I thought I read all this in Aroluoma's book, but I can't find the pages now. Maybe I saw it on a Reddit thread. There's a note about Chateau Marmont and the next morning in Bam's book confirming the dates.

Something I noticed about the way Ville talked about the Venus Doom cover art, and what the woman in the painting reminds me of, and how eerily hand in hand these two aspects go. Ville found the painting in the voodoo district in New Orleans at a window of an art gallery by David Harouni. He thought he found the perfect woman for the cover of Venus Doom. He knew this was the woman to put a face to this music. Ville bought the painting and brought it home to his tower, and hung it over the main spot on his living room wall, to kind of look over for him like a twisted kind of guardian angel. The look on her face says all she needs to when ever Ville sees the reminder.

I'm just gonna say it. This painting reminds me of Missy. There I said it. The cheekbones, the shape of the eyes and the face, jaw, the mouth, the look in her eyes, the way Ville knew instantly that this is the right woman of doom to portray those haunting lyrics. The woman certainly looks nothing like Jonna.

Which is a funny full circle. Someone said that Missy and Nikki both reminds them of Ville, and I couldn't unsee it. Missy is lean with high cheek bones and kinda has the same eyes or browshape as Ville. Nikki also has the high cheekbones and a bunch of tattoos on a slim slim body, she's got dark hair and she too has similar eyes to Ville. Idk what I see, but I do.

In all the interviews, 9/10 times Ville has said the album is about a major relationship of his that went south. Once or twice has he figured to specify it was THE relationship of his. All the rest of the time he talks like it wasn't the main relationship with his fiancee whom he was going to marry.

After Chateau Marmont Ville was never the same with Bam again. He quit drinking, but Bam continued. They weren't on the same page anymore. They wouldn't be playing any more chess any time soon, much to that journalist's regret. Ville started his sober hermit age, but Bam partied on with Novak and Jussi 69 and others. Bam was famously filming HIM's concert in Ruisrock of 2008 getting proper VIP access with his camera all around Ville, and what did Ville say to his newly wedded friend in front of his wife and thousands in the audience and thousands online later? Ville asked so everyone could hear "Are you tired of using viagra or something", and after Bam and Missy left the stage, Ville said to the audience with heavy Finnish dialect that "he (Bam) will watch that later with his dick in his hand". Whatever that should leave to the imagination.

Then (and there) Bam gave Ville that sapphire ring, the one that looked eerily similar to the one he eventually gave Nikki, the ring that only fit his ring finger. Ville spilled the beans to Finnish press that if he ever got married to someone, it would be Bam.

Bam continued having his fun with Missy for a year or two while busy filming the absolute drunkfires Minghags and Where F is Santa, before meeting Nikki for a music video shoot to shove his tongue down the throat of another woman who eerily reminds me of Ville.

Jackass 3D and 3.5 were kind of awkward to watch at some points because of Bam's slurring and the simple exhaustion that was his punching bag, Novak, and their tasteless shit and dick jokes. Saw a glimpse of Tammy in the depths of 3.5, had totally forgotten about her. I was still listening to Radio Bam every week when she came along in 2010. Didn't listen long after that. The show became such a drunken debauched mess. Missy was long gone by then, and Bam slurred his words more in each new episode. I wonder how many stayed to listen to that.

Dunn wasn't on the best terms anymore with Bam, since he was growing old of the constant partying even if he still drank himself, but they were still friends and Dunn was there in Bam's first intervention in December of 2009 after just a few years of being married. Even Missy was having enough at that point dealing with his shenanigans with Nikki. Then in 2011 Ryan Dunn got into that awful accident and Bam's downward spiral took a nosedive he couldn't get out of for 14 years. Like Bam's wedding, Ville was not there for him during this huge life turning event either.

Before Ryan's passing Ville had came out of his hermit tower for Screamworks, fresher than ever. Screamworks was sort of a concept album, an album that Ville wrote allegedly inspired by Kat Von D when he was visiting her, which they have both heavily hinted at or downright believes so. There is one song different from the rest, though, which is Disarm Me With Your Loneliness.

The promise of heaven pushed us right back to hell ♪ Turned three sevens into three sixes again And you laughed at my face when I told you how much it hurts And said… ♪ Disarm me with your loneliness just like always before ♪ You keep on tempting me to go on whatever the cost To witness the prettiest flower in bloom wither to dust ♪ So I'll break all the rules in this endless game once called "Love" for you… ♪ Disarm me with your loneliness just like always before and Deceive me out of my emptiness telling me how you love Me with all your heart No more ♪

If Bam believes the song is about him - that tells me everything I ever cared to know about his relationship to Ville. He didn't even get it from the same clue as I did; there's more than the blazing obvious. You'd think Bam would be all ears when Ville sings, but it took him over decade to hear what he had to say. Ville really couldn't have said it any clearer than he did the final time.

I want to know why Bam found it so suspiciously gay for him to miss his friend Ville, when he for years absolutely could not have cared less about coming across gay with literally/figuratively any of his other friends, once spent an entire episode fucking Jess up for speaking nasty about the gays, and made an entire career of rainbows with Jackass? For what that thought is worth.

Some realisations compelled Bam to reach out to Ville in 2014, as some things made him realise past songs might have been about him or for him.

And that is when Bam completely lost the plot, lost himself into a decade in total darkness.

In 2015 Ville probably knew from day one of booking that interview with the Loudwire guy, that he was gonna ask about Bam and his recent open letter to him. Ville reportedly had seen the original video after Bam initially posted it. There's a good chance the interviewer was aware of that element, since he seemed well prepared for that topic. That guy loves Jackass and CKY and everything in between. He asked an insightful question about Bam the year before, so Ville probably had the wits to refine his answers for the new questions, since he knew the purpose of that chat: to reminisce on each song of every album in HIM's discography - with that Bam fan.

Ville looked at the curious journalist dead in the eyes and knew to say, right away as soon as Disarm Me was on topic, assuringly, that it's an old song written years and years ago which was only finished recently for Screamworks. The interviewer looks puzzled at him and his notes, and says he was under the impression that Bam thought the song was about him. Ville then laughed like I have never heard him laugh before. That's a whole ass fake laugh.

Right off the bat he gets on about how crazy must Bam be, why would Bam Margera disarm him with his loneliness, until the interviewer stopped him in his tracks and gave him an exit from that trainfire of thought, and suggested that maybe the song was about Ville witnessing Bam in a sour relationship or something. Well, Ville stopped the traincrash in it's tracks and gave the excuse everyone accused of Bam before - back when Ville only ever defended Bam over it - that Bam is just taking too much credit. Idk what he must have thought when he didn't catch the water from his water bottle and was already twisting the cap back down before noticing.

Later in 2019 Bam talks about Ville, cause he sure says what ever the hell he wants, and describes his mesmerising gaze like the kind of a succubus; a witch woman kind of ghost who casts spells all over Bam in his sleep, like a sexy girly ghost who tries to tempt Bam and makes him crazy, but there are real people like this! Those sexy ghosts from the past who simply demand Bam to fuck him as good and tender as last time, and there's no way for Bam to resist. The interviewers both look at him like what is this homo sapiens even talking about, and the lady asks Bam who has such a spell on him, so Bam puts on his sunglasses like the cool guy he is, and spoke: Ville Valo has succubus eyes, and promptly changed the subject.

Ok that doesn't help either of their cases AT ALL. What kind of succubuses does Bam know who have eyes like Ville's? Cause that's a unique way of describing the lore of succubi and incubi. I want to know what kind of memories does he have of these entities who have the sultry eyes driving Bam crazy - the gaze that remind him of Ville? I want to know if he's talking about past encounters with Nikki or what.

Anyway. Years have passed and things have finally started to turn around for the better for Bam. His wife Dannii has been a true champion for him, and I'm so grateful for her. I'm so grateful for Bam for finding a way to get better with the Dern Brothers who pushed him, and for Jussi 69 for believing in him when many of us dared to even hope. I truly hope he stays on this good path and can find the armoury to face his demons in peace. Cause whatever Bam and Ville both went through all those years ago and kept going, was pure Hell every waking moment.

Like it is important for me to keep my crafting space in order for me to tinker, and like it is for my partner to make sure the hi-fi system is optimal for the best gaming experience, it is important for me to get this analysis of these teenage heartthrobs out of my system.

As the young undiagnosed black sheep of the herd, it was safer to experience feelings through music, movies, books, and eventually fanfic. I'm far from few in their formative years who felt some type of idolating love towards HIM, CKY, Ville and Bam respectively. I've had so much profound emotional experiences with both of them in so many ways since the dawn of my person - it's no wonder feelings have risen in one way or the other. Through their stories, and the stories of them, thought me so much about love and friendship. What if I felt something real when I saw it? So many of us did.

By the end of writing this, I thought I was seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, gave in, and passed out. In the morning I looked at my screen and saw paragraphs of typos.

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