I can't think.
Not with this stomachache or my brain fog
With all the regrets
I can't even put words in order anymore. Lol it's so bad. Like my mind crumpled up with so many bs promises.
To just sit still without feeling anxious and regretting the past.
Then build a new future like there is some kind of future when all i had is dumb i mean doom.
Fuck. I don't even know this phone is just as broken as me right now, all my downloaded songs had gone where? Where had it all gone? The years
The rainy season with fucking teary eyes promises that they will be here with me no matter what. Oh come on people always change, I scoff and then memories of teary eyes that sounds so good to be true it is too good to be true.
My stomach is killing me. Please just end me right now.
I can't.
Also my teeth. Probably if I lived in 6th centuries this dental pain will be the end of me. And I am good with that cause there's nothing better to do anymore, nothing will makes me better. My heart already full of bs from other people.
Where have you been?
Where have everyone been?
Is it really been 10 years. It's just so hard to fathom
And gosh this language i wish i could write beautifully like all those novel I had read so much still i haven't mastered it that i can write with smart rhythemic sound which would absolutely sell, instead i just sound so dumb.
Cause this not my language. Now even in Indonesia i will sound not as poetic as I used to be as I ditch those rhytmic indonesian literature long time ago. Funny, you think you already learn language just because it's easy languahe without complicated tenses like this one. Well maybe for colloquial purposes but I can assure you, the literature world is whole lot different. Just like in english, I haven't reach that rhyme shit, it's not easy but to just be able to understand things or read literature I can, producing it is different shit.
That's what happened when your head filled with words but you can't get it out from yourself. It's stuck, and poisoning your mind. It's like what is wrong with me, such bafooney and baloney. Lol
You know when you're old you feel prettier because now you have deeper insight about life (i hope) but your body scientifically less pretty ofc as time is a real bitch. But some people sadly they don't even feel prettier cause their never got the wisdom at all and wishing to be just young and love young people only and it's getting creepy. It's creepy because it's ugly or because they actually just stuck in their mental state of when they were just 20? Well we don't know for sure but that what expected upon us, as we older we get wiser but that's not the truth. The game of shit called love is the same just the body getting older and sicker.
Do you really need insight and wisdom if it makes you miserable? I mean being carefree and doesn't give a f attitude makes people less sad, and just young. Gosh idk how to put it.
When i was 15 i already feel like 50 so now that I am 30 (almost) i really felt like i am 80 years old and I didn't like it a bit. World sucks, and the people in it. Maybe some people less suck but just because they conceal their lies. When i found out about how they really are, it's all just ugly all the same. I am crying about the same old bullshit and i feel so ugly and sick.
There's always beautiful thingโฆ Like my lost downloaded song just because my phone decidedto to wiped out everything?
Yes maybe the beautiful things already long gone.
You know you can always make yourself feel beautiful
Yes back then I put lots of powder and dress myself nicely but that doesn't cut it anymore. I mean I don't even feel like to put up some powder lol. It's just brainwashing thing in this world, when you are white you should feel ashamed and wanted to be brown but if you are brown you should also be ashamed and wanted to be fair. Nothing makes you better. Unless you just stop listening to all bullshit
Even it's tempting, even when everyone doing that. That normality feels like and you're being the odd one out.
I am sick and still missing the time and people who had been long gone. I mean i missed their lies, not the fucking real ugly manipulative people they really are.
Idk. Am I ugly too just because I can't stop ranting about the past because my future already sealed and it's shit.
What happened when you can't do anything. That's when people went insane, cause they feel scared and stuck in dead end.
Yep. That's it. It's all looping. Too much good times, people have become ungrateful and unhappy demanding never ending shot of quick "happiness" too much gloom days people have become bitch and went insane, longing for something that isn't real the idea of "happiness". And once they thought they found it but then they realized it's all just lies.
Nothing real. Yet I treasure it in my heart, just because I can't make better memories. Yet. Yet I hope.
I need a little bit happiness, is not fair. To feel this sick and really sick in my stomach. Is not just feeling. It's a real pain.
i know because of all this overwhelming stress i feel like i could explode at any time but gosh it's just so bad, not helping me at all.
My stomach hurt, everything hurts.
And then all the memories abt how people lied and wronged me so much kinda making me angry but i can't do nothing about it, giving me all the rash. Damn it's so bad.
this is why people won't understand. Especially if they lived in a country with freedom already attached to them. Is not punishable by death though not physically but socially, mentally. Feeling so lonely all the time and now I really want something real for relationship it feels bleak.
I mean the chance to even met people like me is so small and how about if i had a kid i can't just raised her being hypocrite or I can. Just tell teach them ofc because school and society demands it ugh nah it's been so lonely but i was living with parents and yes probably they always wondering why do i didn't use veil anymore nor participate in the events. Oh and every events mostly religious, is just sense of belonging and even back then when i don't question it much
I felt lonely, then now it's lonelier than ever.
Funny thing my dad is the extremist group himself. Well he just fed me enough (mostly no food) but not kicking me to the street because he's saving his own face. It's all still aggressive-and never passive at all.
Again is like being dead but you're alive.
Is hard to get job, it's because i am old and has no degree, fcd up my life from these depression but still... If you got to some jobs they really will discriminate you unless you play along. This is something people won't understand unless they live in it. the biggest majority that called you to bow at least five times. When there are many that do more just like me back then.
I feel so lonely. I have no internet i mean i had enough to open whatsapp even though there's no one and occasionally looking at cute things that will gives me joy temporary but not to watch movie and dwelling with my kind of people even though is just on the internet. It's always baffled me even the country that deemed freedom to believe or not believe, yet if you're in the state of majority of believers is not that easy but sure not this crazy cause at least the understand (hopefully) is your right. Is different here, i have no right to not believe, you have to believe in something otherwise you're sided with the evil being
Great.
Do volunteers work, but it's only happened at the city and so far, ofc they don't pay you it's charity but from my home is like 12km and gas is no free.
Not thay i don't want to do any job, here people competing for bs job, and unless you got degree or more importantly someone on the inside. Is just so hard. I do hate teaching cause i feel like an impostor lol. I mean i like to interact with kids but now every time talking abt grammar kinda making me sick.
tbh i don't even grasp the whole idea of it unless i am paying very close attention and this my miracle of grasping english had came from being isolated, tried to kill myself but failed, covid and lost of my years and faith . It's still confusing though, ofc made mistake here and there but it's better now and it's hard for us because we don't use tenses at all.
We use adverb of time. Simple as that. You just don't change that you eat something every day and are eating something now or have eaten something just now. It's eat the all same just adding the time. Is like in english will be i eat just now. I eat yesterday and i eat every day. Lol that doesn't make sense in english. Yeah funny
Oh but we do have passive and changing of verb as action being eaten, eaten by, and like being eaten we have dimakan, termakan, but wait it could also mean active not passive some words so yes you just have to memorized the words. Dimakan oleh, itu dimakan dia, plus subject err. Terkejap, mengerjap, sekejap, it sounds the almost the same it doesn't and this kinda hard actually if you haven't familiarize yourself yes of course like english just because eat, ate eaten is not that easy unless you've been learning but it's the international language so...
Saksi. Bersaksi. Menyaksikan. Disaksikan.
Sekutu. Bersekutu. Menyekutukan, disekutukan
Okay that's different base verb but with the same way to add suffix and prefix but this is not gonna works will all verbs
Sapu, there's no bersapu, menyapu is but not menyapukan oh you can do it but kinda rare to use, disapukan is weird to you only disapu without kan. Yes memorizing which one needs kan and not. Again hours listening to the native. Well if you want to sound natural but like most verbs has the base menyapu, menulis, like for the verbs but makan you don't need memakan but you can that's the verb with prefix if you want to sound better, but it has nothing with tenses of time cause again we really don't care about the time
It's more like dative case in russian but nope it can change from the subject to object eh? they do use change of prefix so they can swap it, we can't swap it though. So we do have variant of verbs just not ruling by time. Ugh idk i am hungover lol.
By my sadness and longing. Is just that's why is very simple English if you eat cake yesterday? I mean native will know but is wrong still making sense. But there's no prefix for verb in english, eat being ate simply because it happened yesterday already. Ohhh
Kamu makan kue. Kamu memakan kue. Kamu makan-makan kue, kamu makan kue terus. Yes haha there's no even you eat eat cake to emphasize how much you had been eating all the cakes.
Why would i talk abt this, thing is hard to master english because they change time a bit when actually to just go indonesia is easy but to really master like native that's also little bit complicated. It's not time but how long time you have been spent on listening to the people and the books you've read lol
Sigh. Is not that simple. Nope also there's had been v3. Had been read before is just not grammatically correct (lol) see it's passive. My head my head
Oh has been told. Is passive but present perfect.
Ughh present and then perfect. I am presently imperfect
Yeah dia sudah dibilangi. Diberitahu, sudah diomongkan
from formal, informal but english has no base of verb cause swim will have no prefix. Most of them unless the unionize, globalize, globalization the fancy terms. In indonesia the boring verb you use prefix make it natural
Gosh i am sick
OH i forgot yep i thought maybe if i had someone from far away maybe my problem will be none but then the problem is they're not serious and broke and mostly not serious.
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