C h e l s . @repeating-daydreams - Tumblr Blog

Body dismorphia is becoming my enemy. Weightloss had always been a hard thing for me due to childhood trauma. I’m really trying to do it right this time but I still don’t feel like I’m making progress. The scale has gone down 50lbs but mentally I tell myself I just lost water weight or the scale needs to be calibrated or some other excuse. I’m so tired. I’m losing myself during this journey but I have to lose weight to be healthy.

#weight loss #body dismorphia

So this is kind of a post thirsting for compliments if this even manages to get any interactions. I’ve been on a weightloss journey for a little more than 3 months, I’m 30lbs down so far but I’m not feeling different or seeing a difference in myself. Left photos are from April right photos are from today. I desperately want to see a difference. I’ve been on weightloss journeys in the past and failed and I’m so scared I’ll do it again, or retrigger a past eating disorder. So if anyone has any kind words or advice I would greatly appreciate it

#weight loss #i need to lose this weight #need to lose more weight #weightlifting #gymmotivation #encouragement

I’m seeing a guy I’ve been talking to for nearly a year today, we’ve gone on 2 dates previously but it was 8 months ago. I’m so nervous, and I’m sure I shouldn’t be? But he hasn’t seen me other than snapchats in 8 months. What if he decides he’s not physically attracted to me anymore? I’m a bigger girl, and that’s always kinda been a barrier for me and dating, but I really adore this man, he’s never made me feel undesired or unattractive. He tells me time and time again that he finds me beautiful/sexy/hot but I’m just so freaking nervous he’s going to change his mind.

#plus size #blue eyes #blonde #plus sized dating #date #advice #help #i’m nervous

neckkiss

RIGHT?

I thought the way I was losing weight this time would help control relapsing again, but today I went to breakfast with my family, buffet style. I didn’t know. I thought we were going somewhere where I could see the calories on the menu. It threw me into a panic attack. I put scrambled eggs and pineapple on my plate and sat down. Picking at my plate to make it seem like I ate a lot.

When I got home I told my mom it hurt my feelings that I wasn’t given a heads up about it being a buffet, and that I felt like I needed to skip the rest of my meals for the day. In response I was told I ate fine but she understood skipping meals.

It’s been years since the thought of calories made me physically Ill, and I’m horrified.

#tw ed thoughts #tw ed mention #tw ed vent

A year ago I was in New York. I was constantly uncomfortable with a man I wanted to love. Constantly bribed or guilted into having sex. Constantly reminded that I needed to eat a different thing on the menu or work out more. I spent the trip crying in the shower quietly. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I thought it was love. I wanted to be loved so badly. I was so blind to the treatment. The manipulation, the embarrassment, his shame.

I wish I could hug myself back then, tell myself I deserve so much more. Tell myself that loving myself is far better than wanting to be loved by someone that wants nothing more than to change you to who they want you to be.

I’m really just an absolute emotional mess and I refuse to talk about my issues with people because I’m just too scared to show how stupidly sensitive I am and honestly it’s tearing me apart.