repertoire of abandoned dreams

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

The Mind of Me

I’ve realized I’m not built for the relationship everyone desires Yes, there are times when I despise my independency  But realistically my need for solidarity surpasses my want for intimacy. I don’t care for such things but with the absence of that kind of love I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me Because even if the opportunity arises And they do everything right, above and beyond what any girl would want  I have a hard time accepting that I’m wanted from the long time spent unwanted.

And I know what I think of myself is untrue My high self standards stem from our society’s expectation of perfection And appreciation for materialistic lifestyles and temporary fixations. I can’t help but compare myself to my peers  I’m proud of their current successes and future careers But I put them high on a pedestal that to me is unreachable And I dedicate myself to keep their happiness a flight Despite the cost that my feelings will be sacrificed. 

So whoever you are, if you are a wild card Played when I have my hand planned out I can’t assure you that I’m willing to put everything out on the table For a variable I never considered to factor into my calculations Because even the heavens won’t know when I’ll be ready to love you A kind of uncertainty that no one deserves to go through And it’s not fair to keep you on stand-by  For a flight of potential could-have-beens that may never see sky. 

 ~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

forever is never forever

Forever is a promise that can never be kept. 

No one can escape their inevitable failure to keep this promise.

~

Forever is a promise that can never be fulfilled.

People throw around “I love you forever.” He told me though they’re not together, he won’t break his promise and be a liar. But he fell in love again. And after her, there’ll be another. 

50 soulmates in Fifty First Dates can’t colour his life that’s 50 shades of gravestone grey.

Forever will never see it through.

~

Forever is a promise that can never be eternal. 

You swore the boy you met at 9 would be your best friend for life. A love that’ll stay perpetual. You learn the only certainty in life is that life will eventually lead us apart. Yet,

You’ll remember their birthday just in case; how they love pickles but hate how cucumber taste.

Forever becomes just a casual phrase. 

~

Forever is a promise that can never be kept. 

No one can escape their inevitable success to break this promise.

- t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

duplex duo

ONE 

Like blossoms fluttered to the ground, the butterflies fluttered away.

A mysterious soul, solacing spirit, you took my breath away. 

Now with the anxiety you give me, you take my breath away.

I stand in the shower to obscure my sobs and drown my thoughts.

If only I can shower away my doubts and drown my insecure thoughts.

I despise that I overthink and I think over every smile you gave me.

Our demise proved I didn’t overthink the fake smiles you gave me.

They say you’re just a page in my book and there are chapters to be filled.

You’d read pages of fairytale books, spiel sweet deceits till my mind was filled.

Now I go to bed tucked in with questions above my head.

Monsters tucked in every corner of my bed haunting my head.

I reach for you but all I felt was lifeless sheets and empty space.

You are unreachable and thus my body lifeless; what filled this empty space

Was blossoming feelings I tried to ground but the butterflies fluttered away.

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

THE OTHER

Like blossoms fluttered to the ground, your butterflies fluttered away.

A cordial soul, delicate spirit, you took my breath away.

I fear shattering your glass heart; that anxiety takes my breath away.

So I distanced myself and made it seem like my love was just a con.

I’m distant and aloof. Our seemingly drifted love was something that I conned.

I despise my desire to be the king of my own stars and Mars.

Our demise caused by my desire to stay king of my stars and Mars.

You’re my dearest chapter, a rapture that changed the trajectory of my story, 

Chapters of rapture that I’ll retell of you, the dearest trajectory in my history.

Thoughts of you as I tuck myself in bed, questions above my head. 

Thoughts of ghosts I chased tucked away by myself, haunting my head.

I could’ve had you next to me in place of sheets and empty space,

But I made myself unreachable; all that fills the empty space

Are blossomed feelings I tried to deny as your butterflies fluttered away.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

~

Answer all that calls if

Bestowed the honour to be 

Confided in, laughed with, journeyed with.

Dare not think about the inevitable 

Expiration dates and last-times that’ll slip unnoticed.

Forget the taunting thoughts or else the

Gallows await the

Haunting shadows that attempt to escape. 

I don’t mind if my kindness is imposed but perhaps I’m just

Jonesing for small stitches of serotonin

Knit between moments of sadness and I

Lament for my naïve self and blurry

Memories of happy times as time unravels away.

No one knows who will remain in a matter of months.

Only God knows and therefore I shall

Pray,

Quietly and steadfast,

Remembering and ingraining the voices from the

Screens before me, straining my tired eyes. 

Till life do us apart,

Under the stars that

Veil our estranged futures.

What am I thinking? For now, just be

Xenial, welcome all hearts near or

Yonder, my shoulder where they can find  

Zen or comfort.

-t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

duplex duo

ONE 

Like blossoms fluttered to the ground, the butterflies fluttered away.

A mysterious soul, solacing spirit, you took my breath away. 

Now with the anxiety you give me, you take my breath away.

I stand in the shower to obscure my sobs and drown my thoughts.

If only I can shower away my doubts and drown my insecure thoughts.

I despise that I overthink and I think over every smile you gave me.

Our demise proved I didn’t overthink the fake smiles you gave me.

They say you’re just a page in my book and there are chapters to be filled.

You’d read pages of fairytale books, spiel sweet deceits till my mind was filled.

Now I go to bed tucked in with questions above my head.

Monsters tucked in every corner of my bed haunting my head.

I reach for you but all I felt was lifeless sheets and empty space.

You are unreachable and thus my body lifeless; what filled this empty space

Was blossoming feelings I tried to ground but the butterflies fluttered away.

~t.w.

[thegingerpowers]

[drearydaffodil]

What if once we had wings?

Is the heaviness we carry

A memory of wind? Of

The smell of snow and

Clouds? Once we had tails

Vestigial remnants worn

By genetic aberrations

Swinging in the trees but

Now we walk upright with

The world on our shoulders

Maybe the melancholy

Is just generational sadness

Perhaps the bluest of us still

Taste the sky beneath our

Tongues when our toes touch

Only soil

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

present

Answer all that calls if Bestowed the honour to be  Confided in, laughed with, journeyed with. Dare not think about the inevitable  Expiration dates and last-times that’ll slip unnoticed. Forget the taunting thoughts or else the Gallows await the Haunting shadows that attempt to escape.  I don’t mind if my kindness is imposed but perhaps I’m just Jonesing for small stitches of serotonin Knit between moments of sadness and I Lament for my naive self and blurry Memories of happy times as time unravels away. No one knows who will remain in a matter of months. Only God knows and therefore I shall Pray, Quietly and steadfast, Remembering and engraining the voices from the Screens before me, straining my tired eyes.  Till life do us apart, Under the stars that Veil our estranged futures- What am I thinking? For now, just be Xenial, welcome all hearts near or Yonder, my shoulder where they can find   Zen or comfort.

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

october

1 person was all it took

To break the walls I carefully built.

3 am, just between you and me

Forever fossilized as could-have-beens.

5 days was all it took for you to stop waiting

6 more weeks for our fairytale meeting.

7 hours of sleep for me to accept the

8 weeks of wasted potential, leaving cloud

9 with bags of our taken-down plans.

10 times I’ll wonder if your regrets will ever maim you.  

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

You. Never in a million years did I think I would fall for a boy like  You.  I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn’t fall for someone like You.  Yet, with every passing night and every falling leaf, I only thought of the winter that could be. But the snow came and gone, fell quickly as it melted, Before any snow fights or snowmen could be built. I was only looking up at the flakes that fell and  Imagining the beauty that would come when they land But you were already thinking of the grey slush that’ll come. You were only focused on the fact that it will melt. I was looking forward to the beauty the cold brings Even though I knew that the frostbite would sting. I should’ve trusted my intuition to stay inside,  But I really thought we could bear the cold together if you really tried.  So now I’ll let my feelings and heart freeze over Perhaps this is better than it becoming a tragedy Though I can’t deny I don’t think about an alternate universe  One where the december that we’ll never have would be. You. I threw away all caution and disregarded all storm warnings for You. Who knows how long my heart will stay in hibernation this time after You.

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

Nights like tonight I wish I can take everyone’s pain Disperse the tears, engulfed by waves Feed every hurt to the fish and sharks Every dagger and knife-shaped remark

Nights like tonight  The shadows creep a little closer than before Reminding me of their existence evermore Their hands with bad intentions,  Covered by love that started with good motives

Nights like tonight  Deep dark green becomes pure black that’s evergreen Not a tree but a weed surviving in cold or heat My vain efforts to turn on every light A persistent shadow chase behind anything left to right.

Nights like tonight  When everywhere, there’s nowhere I desperately search for pigmented colours So every corner of black can become a dazzling sight Like a sunrise overwhelming a seemingly starless night

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

The tears of laughter, anger, and hurt fell on our pages Of fond memories, like cockled paper,  A permanent deformation on the records of our adventures.

We buried our future in unmarked gravestones And the promises we spoke, now a eulogy for the to-be memories  And sometimes I re-open our books of what-ifs and it'd be as if nothing changed As if everything would’ve been okay if I just saw how you saw us  Then maybe… 

But there’s no looking back now. Here’s to happier memories and new adventures, For all of us. 

~t.w.

[repertoireofabandoneddreams]

The memories we made became mushed together Each scene passed by like a blur And by the end of the movie, I couldn’t remember what I watched Yet, I can remember tight wistful embraces, night blissful sun chases And twinkling eyes that met when we laughed Why is it that the seemingly ordinary moments are engraved in this timeless watch? I safe-keep the hidden whispers of care from the fiends. But perhaps these are all just part of my own fever dream A fever dream that can only be grasped in faint fragments, never fully re-watched.

~t.w.