{ DESPONDENCY ;

indie private & selective Dazai Osamu from Bungou Stray Dogs. please read the rules before interacting.

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

“Shut up.”

He turns away from the other, his eyes downcast in order to hide the raging blush on his cheeks. He was tired of the conversation at that point, back slouching as he began to walk past the other with hardly another glance. It seemed something had heavily set itself on the man’s mind. Something more pressing and numbing than even Dazai’s presence.

Something that was making him ten times less obnoxious than usual as he ever so slightly brushed up against Dazai on his way out of the alley. He doesn’t even turn back to say the last words he has for the other.

“You’re a real bastard…” Perhaps if he said it enough, he’d convince himself.

something heavy indeed; chuuya’s not usually one to walk with slumped shoulders unless he’s really exhausted, or completely drunk. of course, physical exhaustion isn’t the only kind of exhaustion one can feel... and so dazai hums, thoughtful, curiousity intensifying all the more when chuuya barely brushes against him on his way. that can’t have been anything but intentional, judging by the lack of reaction.

“... chuuya’s being awfully quiet! don’t tell me i actually comforted you a little~?” that should earn him something snappish in response, but dazai turns to follow regardless, “hm~ i really am good at acting like a good person, huh~?” just teasing to coax chuuya further...

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

The feeling of Dazai’s finger on his cheek rouses the younger man from his stupor, eyes widening with surprise and fear. This motion was an intimate one ( or was he reading too much into it? ), and Chuuya froze in response. It’s been a while since someone other than Kouyou had comforted him in a time of weakness.

He stared at the other for a moment, lost in thought before he snapped back to reality, flinching back and away from the touch as his cheeks reddened with embarrassment. Why did he feel so heated all of the sudden? This togetherness they were sharing should have been dead and buried long ago.

What in the hell was he doing?

“What are y…” His words are a struggle, his mind still reeling from the onslaught of emotions he had just had moments prior. He raised a hand to wipe at his face, looking away from the other. What kind of idiot let his guard down so much around another?

“Bastard…”

the surprise is fine, but the fear is a little... well. there’s nothing to  be done about it. of course chuuya is suspicious - anyone with half a brain who knew dazai would be - but no, dazai doesn’t intend to hurt him or use this against him or anything. alas, their relationship isn’t the kind where dazai could say such a thing and be believed, so he plasters on a cheerful smile ( fake, as always -- ), looking to get chuuya back to normal as quickly as possible.

“ahh, the blush is more familiar~! this is why i called chuuya a tsundere, geez~”

it seems like chuuya’s already raising his guard again, which is for the better in this case. their relationship, whatever camaraderie had been between them before... while they can still trust one another in life or death situations, that should be the extent of it. there shouldn’t be anything more.

so dazai will tease him back to normal and they’ll both pretend like this never happened, same as always. predictable.

boring.

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

He knows, frankly. Chuuya knows that being on the better side of the law is possible. He knows that he could be a benefit to society rather than a hindrance and murderer. However, something inside him couldn’t bear leaving. Something that told him he wouldn’t fit. He’d be like a square peg in a round hole, as well as abandoning those who had cared for him for so long as well as forsaking all of the people whose lives he had taken over the years.

I care too much.

“…”

At this point, his fists loosened. Arms dangled limply at his sides as drips fell from his cheeks. He cared so much it was painful. It felt as though he was being stabbed in the chest ten times over, as well as being stepped on. He couldn’t bear to hear what Dazai was pointing out, and yet he did nothing to stop it.

Did Dazai say these things out of concern? Or of pity?

... damn it all.

it isn’t like dazai doesn’t know exactly how chuuya feels about it, about how even if chuuya doesn’t always like his lot in life, it’s not like he hates it, either - all things considered, he has quite the cushy lifestyle, and he’s still got subordinates who look up to him and people who care for him. friends and colleagues; even people he’d probably consider family. chuuya, indeed, cares too much, to the point where it traps him there. 

dazai knows that.

with a sigh, he raises a hand, reaching up to brush his thumb over chuuya’s cheek to rub some of those tear tracks away. “... i can’t remember the last time i saw you cry from anything other than the pain of corruption.” maybe not the best way to change the conversation, but clearly chuuya can’t hear this right now, so dazai will respect that. “sadness doesn’t suit you. chuuya’s much prettier smiling~”

he’s supposed to be a better person now, after all, right?

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

Was this what he got for bearing his soul to a devil?

The thought of chosen loyalty was laughable. Chuuya as a child held no place in the mafia. Everyone knew that, but where else would he have to go? It was either he learned to kill, lie, and steal, or he was killed himself like a rat in a sewer. Kouyou’s generosity could only go so far; he had to repay her with living, or all the suffering she went through was pointless.

Not to mention… “You think my loyalty to the mafia is voluntary?”

“Everything I have built, I suffered for. Everything I’ve done, I did to survive. I killed as a child so that I was allowed to live. Because that was the only way I could continue to live.” The brim of his hat now shadowed his eyes, glistening streams beginning to fall. His face was now tightly scrunched, teeth grinding against eachother as he spat out every word. “If I turn my back on where I am, what was the point of it all?!”

He was loyal because there was no alternative.

he really should know better by now.

... but then, for all of dazai’s cruel words and actions, he’s never done anything to truly hurt chuuya, to hit where it matters - even though they’re on opposite sides now, dazai would still save chuuya from corruption even without being asked. in his own way, dazai is loyal to their previous partnership; not so much that he’d explicitly help chuuya with things without being ordered to, no, but if he saw chuuya in trouble, he’d still step in to help without being asked. that doesn’t mean dazai would never put chuuya in danger, of course, but never so much that he thought chuuya wouldn’t be able to handle.

“... i know, chuuya. i know how hard it’s been on you, of all people. but you should be careful; if that sort of conversation is overheard, you might not be let off the hook so easily.” perhaps that isn’t true; kouyou’s own loyalty to the mafia is more based on the fact that she has no other offers and that she wants to keep mori in line than anything else, so even if chuuya’s tension was known, it may be overlooked so long as he continues to fulfill his role, but there’s no need to test that theory unnecessarily.

“... there are always alternatives. you’re strong enough that mori couldn’t hurt you if you didn’t let him. but i’m not telling you to leave, of course; i realize that the thought of abruptly cutting ties and fleeing the only life you most likely remember properly isn’t exactly an appealing one. but you’re not as stuck as you’re acting. even ane-san tried to leave, once. and kyouka-chan has now, too. it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. that’s all.”

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

Having to listen to the other degrade himself down to a tool and nothing more — Chuuya’s chest tightened, knowing the lengths he had gone to when rising the ranks. However, this, in the shorter man’s mind, meant nothing. Dazai had been his partner; his comrade. If Dazai was off his game, they lost. Knowing the other had lost so much faith in himself…

…it made him want to be sick.

“DO YOU THINK YOU WERE NOTHING MORE?! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU ON?!” His fist grasped at the other’s shirt, bringing Dazai in close in order for him to yell directly into his face. “What kind of useless PAWN do you honestly think I am?! Forget about you? Forget about the pain you caused? The pain that you still cause?!”

At that point, he realized he’d said too much. His teeth clench, pushing the other away abruptly as he tried to hide the stinging sensation in his eyes causing him to blink.

How long had it been since he’d shed tears for his enemies? What about his friends?

dazai only really sees being considered a tool a bad thing because it’s kept him alive this long; if he wasn’t so useful, he wouldn’t have been able to leave the mafia without mori putting a bullet in his skull - no, before that, he wouldn’t have been able to join the mafia. if it weren’t for his strategies and the use of his ability, what use would he be to anyone? surely he’d have been killed long ago. it isn’t particularly a lack of faith in himself, because he knows exactly the situation he’s in, it’s just something he and chuuya feel very differently about.

or, well, another thing.

he doesn’t bother even attempting to shake off chuuya’s grip, allowing himself to be yanked in, expression emotionless as he listens to chuuya yell at him. the way he cuts off abruptly and withdraws tells dazai that he hadn’t meant to say that much, but it doesn’t matter.

“... i don’t think of chuuya as a pawn, i merely know how deep your loyalty to the mafia is.” blind devotion... chuuya’s not an idiot, but he certainly isn’t smart. that faith in the mafia will get him killed someday. “as for myself, it’s just a fact. if i weren’t useful, i’d be dead by now. if you mean what i was to you, then yes, i was your partner, but i don’t see why you’d be sentimental about that - you may trust me to save you from corruption and to suggest effective plans for our missions, but you don’t trust me with anything else.” a quiet sigh, “can’t you just hate me properly? it’d make things easier for us both. i blew up your car and everything.”

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

He can’t help it. Dazai had pushed too far; Chuuya, after all, knew very well that Kouyou had resigned herself long ago. He knew very well that Dazai and her had met on multiple occasions without either of them having to lash out at the other.

He wished for the old days.

His leg swings up, as if to smash Dazai’s face into the wall nearby, only for his foot to meet with the brick directly in front of the other’s face. The brim of his hat covered his eyes, hiding the pained expression that was forming.

“Leave.”

and indeed, dazai knows he’s gone too far, but perhaps it can’t be helped; chuuya’s comment had struck an odd nerve - dazai can be sentimental. it’s not like he’d never thought about going back to the mafia even after he left. it’s not like he’s forgotten all the time he and chuuya had spent together when they were younger. it’s not like he’s forgotten the time he spent with odasaku and ango, but look at how all of that turned out.

it isn’t that he’s never sentimental, it’s that it always hurts when he is.

chuuya is, clearly, no different.

even with that clear threat, dazai only sighs, leaning into chuuya’s space a bit more to speak to him quietly.

“... sentimentality only causes pain, chuuya. i thought ane-san taught you that already. you really should just forget about me, except when you need me for corruption. just think of and use me as everyone else does - as a tool and nothing more - and you’ll be fine.”

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

“If I know anything, it’s that you’re the least sentimental man I’ve ever known.” He ground out the words, venom drenching every letter. He didn’t know the pain in Kouyou’s face whenever Dazai was promoted. No, he never looked back. He didn’t have to; it wasn’t as if it meant anything to him.

“And you complain about me not being sentimental toward a girl two thirds my age. You really are terrible.”

and dazai could say it, could say that kouyou knew he was disloyal, could say that kouyou knew he couldn’t stay, could point out that she herself hadn’t lashed out at him even when they were alone together after she was captured by the ada, but... none of that matters, not to chuuya. even though kouyou really isn’t that hurt by dazai having left, even though she knew dazai wasn’t happy and would have died if he’d stayed, now that chuuya’s imagined this slight on her behalf, he won’t listen to reason. there’s no point arguing.

“... that’s me, the worst person there is!” ah, the words are clearly sarcastic and almost bitter, showing just a touch of his annoyance-- but he can’t let chuuya question that. “but i can assure you ane-san doesn’t need you to be offended on her behalf. she and i have an understanding. if you weren’t so stubborn, even you’d be able to see it, but alas.” there’s no hope for that. “shouldn’t you be running back to your cage now?”

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

“…”

Wait for it to sink in, Dazai. He obviously has been buying too much foreign wine on sale to realize that Valentines presents in Japan are just one-sided. As if on cue, his arm shoots out, pointing at the other in a rage.

“AS IF SHE WOULD GET SOMETHING FOR A BASTARD LIKE YOU! What would be the use, catering to your treason?!”

“You best not come with gifts. I’ll really kill you.” Dazai already broke Kouyou’s heart enough.

“you’re the one who brought it up~!” he starts, chipper as usual when he’s harassing chuuya... just before he notes that ah, he seems to have pushed it just a little too far, slipping into uncomfortable territory. he doesn’t need chuuya’s accusation to know why he’s telling dazai not to give kouyou presents, knows that it’s because chuuya doesn’t want ane-san hurt by the gesture because it would only be out of obligation, an expression of slight sentiment towards a woman who helped raise him, not a promise of return or any such thing.

“... relax, chuuya. i’d rather not get anything from her, either. that sort of sentiment... it’s fine if she gives kyouka something, but i wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

[rephaeve]

#1 enemy of women:

“I did appreciate it!” Simply not in a way most people would. Chuuya obviously didn’t crush the girl’s hopes and dream; he just lied to her face about eating it later. “I said thank you to her and used it in a way that brought me joy; that’s what should be done with most gifts, yes?!”

“I doubt you even got nee-san anything, bastard. Seeing her on such a day without a present would he horrible of you.”

“tsk tsk chuuya, still so much to learn~! thinking that it’s okay to just use a valentine’s day chocolate as a projectile. how do you think that girl herself would feel if i told her that you used it as a weapon against me, hmm~? do you think she’d think that’s fine, or do you think she’d be sad~? chuuya’s so cruel~” he’s really looking for a bruising, clearly.

“and of course i didn’t get her anything! it’s valentine’s day, women get men gifts. next month on white day i’ll get her something if she gives me something today~” though honestly speaking he doesn’t really want anything from her. that would be a touch too sentimental for his tastes...

[rephaeve]

#1 enemy of women:

“What? She used her small allowance on getting me something I don’t like. She should be happy I got more use out of it than if I were to try to eat it.” A scowl emerges on his face, fist clenching at the other’s continued attempts to insult him. He really knew what buttons to press.

“Nee-san raised me perfectly fine! It’s you she messed up on!”

“’small allowance’?! that’s even worse! if she’s not even rich and she’s using what little funds she has to get you something, shouldn’t you show proper appreciation?! chuuya! even if you hate it, you’re supposed to smile charmingly and say ‘thank you’ and eat it anyway!” of course he knows what buttons to press, he’s been antagonizing chuuya since they were children. maybe this time he’ll finally snap and kill dazai properly, and be chased from the mafia because of it-!

“clearly i have better manners towards women then you do, so clearly ane-san did just fine with me! i’m going to tell her you’re like this, she’s going to be so disappointed in you~”

[rephaeve]

tsunchuu:

“I said trying. Obviously you fail every single attempt, or I’d be celebrating.” He turned up his nose, folding his arms as he walked away from the other.

“You think I bought that trash?” What kind of taste did Dazai think Chuuya had? It was almost insulting…but it was coming from Dazai. “I got it from one of nee-san’s attendants.”

an affected gasp, of course - he doesn’t mind chuuya turning to leave, but he can’t let that last comment slide! it’s injustice! scandalized, dazai speaks, “chuuya! and you called me an enemy of all women!”

and thus, the elaboration that nobody asked for, “how could you throw away a woman’s gift to you? what a waste! though, well, to be fair, it was always a waste, since chuuya’s got such a terrible personality, but still--! to think he’d be so cruel as to destroy a gift from a lady--! i thought ane-san raised you better than that!”

[rephaeve]

tsunchuu:

“What the hell are you talking about? You think that was a gift?! Did you bash your head too many times trying to hang yourself?” He scoffed, hand flippantly waving the other away. “You obviously cant see that your presence is a nuisance to me.”

“i mean, it is valentine’s day and you did throw chocolate at me. come now, surely anyone would think it’s a gift~? you took the time go buy something specifically for me! i’d be flattered if it wasn’t coming from you~” he knows he’s being annoying. this is how things always are between them. “and by the way, you don’t bash your head when you hang yourself, chuuya~ are you so flustered from your tsundere actions that you forgot that?”  

[rephaeve]

tsunchuu:

“…”

“WHAT THE HELL, BASTARD!? OF COURSE I DON’T WANT THAT, YOU USELESS FISH!! HOW DARE YOU—”

“uwaaahh, what a strong reaction~ you really are a tsundere after all, aren’t you~? well, i’m afraid i’m very busy anyway... ah, but if chuuya’s giving me a chocolate, i suppose i should at least give him an answer~? hmm...” 

ah, he knows he’s digging his grave deeper, but he just can’t help himself--!

[rephaeve]

FULL SPEED PITCHES A CADBURY CREME EGG AT DAZAI'S HEAD

reaches up instinctively to catch it, too used to chuuya’s antics and presence not to, about to make a quip about chuuya being a tsundere, giving him chocolate on valentine’s day and everything--

-- but the sensation of the chocolate smashing in his hand and a creamy substance coating his fingers makes him wince, instead. ah. 

“... there’s a lot of jokes i could make about this.”

( hint: none of them would be appropriate for public. )

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

“Bastard…” At least what he was buying was completely useless to Dazai. “I’m shopping for vinegar, if you must know.”

“vinegar?” it’s probably best not to ask why chuuya needs vinegar, because dazai’s been known to swap some of his alcohol out for it... and yet, “that’s booooring~ what are you buying vinegar for?”

[rephaeve]

chuuya:

“Why do you insist on making my shopping trips annoying by showing up?!“

“it’s not like i want to run into you either, you know! ... but since i’m already here, what are you buying~?” aka mooch time

[rephaeve]

there, header and url change for this blog too, thanks to wifey for the psds!

shinitaiisms -> rephaeve !!