Chihiro

[replicatefish]

Some women throw up. Some feel like their skin is crawling. Some fight back, forced into a role they never saw coming.

Some women swallow every word, take every hit like they were made of Kevlar or chainmetal, a fortified nuclear test zone as their emotional anatomy.

And no one finds out until she’s dead, or he is.

Some women have insomnia or develop auto immune disorders. Their body exhausted from playing his waiting game. Some women never end up with these men at all.

I was lucky to have sleep paralysis. I was manifesting with a demon. But the demon didn’t want me, it wanted out of him. I freed the demon first because I had to.

It took less time to convince the demon to move on from me than it did to free myself from him.

[replicatefish]

Manic. You are manic

Not magic. Why the fuck would you

Of (all) of all (of all people) think you’re majic)

Because mommy said.

How lame are you that mommy defines you ? A reckoning? I couldn’t tell.

[lazyyogi]

Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.

Byron Katie

[replicatefish]

I say ‘I miss my not boyfriend’ a lot.

but I don’t want a not not boyfriend.

I want to be worshipped, but not in a suffocating way.

I want loyalty, but not be a burden.

I want you to be thoughtful, but only if you want to be.

Mostly, I want consideration. Because I’ve never had the opportunity. Never thought I’d want to try it again, but now you’re the focus of every thought and contemplation.

Who knows if it’s possible or encouraged because I know it’s not rational. I’m codependent but what if it’s masking non-commitment. I can’t care either way.

I know it’s an awful reaction, but I also

know I’ll choose my fantasy over You any day.

[replicatefish]

Used to tell them that I loved them

But not literally.

[replicatefish]

I said I’d wait

And I meant it. But my waiting ends the moment

I realize you never stood up. You were never actually on your way.

The intent does not make up for the outcome.

[replicatefish]

good morning from Austria 🌿🐦

[replicatefish]

that kind of heart?

gold. luminescent. shaded but no trace of jade.

I got rid of your shirt. It smelled like it belonged to me now but it took up space

Too much space.

And I don’t have space for that lack of existence. I don’t really have space for anything except myself now that I

Think. About it.

think about it in person. Relish what could have been.

i could care but that would be giving in,

Again.

feel in limbo, forever. What’s that saying? “We could walk away from the past if we had a future”

I don’t think that’s true. You are your future. Your past is you too, just tie a white flag and you

too, could be at peace.

Yeah, I think too much and

my brains all shook

but so are you.

Never can you fuck with my hard-start, fuckin hardcore, with my cold-heart, that 45 side hustler hustlin’ from the very start

don’t lie. That was just my starting line. Take it from me baby you don’t want to take the test. Take it from me baby you don’t want to know the rest.

He a fortyfour but he ain’t no 4 4 4.

But he is 4me & he’s angelic, baby.

[replicatefish]

I don’t got drip baby I’m the whole lake

[replicatefish]

can you feel you’re not the same

but this time, when you’re with

Them

It’s a good same? What have you stopped yourself from saying. Who have you spoken more truthfully of. Where did your eyes land when you realized they were invested in the inflections of your voice. Why have we thrown all of the broken pieces of our needs around the world,

to find the only remaining shovel

that works(?was right at)home

[replicatefish]

(Really)independent

Independently learning to ..let go? learning to lean on,

Someone ,

real?

Really. It’s okay. Come over, I’m making (insert favorite dinner) Yes, really.

No, you don’t take my trash out. You don’t pull me closer at 5am. Sorry you don’t know ‘you’re’ grammar and sorry you don’t _really_ know what being let down

Is.but Silence is more dangerous than forgiveness,

For you & me both. One day I’ll revisit your Sorry’s

And for now I’ll just compare Silence to suffocating.

I hate the rain, not the Twilight Zone rain but the blinding rain when you’re driving on a highway in Houston. I’ll never forget you,

You singing to me,

and telling me I can’t pull over.

I’ll never forget you,

You asking to drive,

and proving we can’t hide fears.

[replicatefish]

It’s only been 5 months and I’ve already started to forget sleeping on the couch

I already forgot how many times I had to lie for you

Lie to you,

I wish I never did. I wish you never looked at me the way you did back then.

do you think of me in the mornings , when you haven’t slept enough

or ask yourself how I left four long years so..abrupt

I see you in my nightmares. I see you in my fears. I wish that’s all it was; a fever(dream),no tears.

I’d ask you what you’ve stolen but the stealing has been done. It was everything you wanted, and I’ve come

UnDone.

[replicatefish]

how many times do I have to apologize to my younger self

/ and why is it starting now

[replicatefish]

I fear what I Feel

and I don’t feel anyThing

[replicatefish]

I have nothing to offer.

[replicatefish]

I will now always question every one of those interactions.

Every time I was out of frame. Every time that name came up and his reaction.

This was too personal, too in-my-face, in-my-God-damn-house for me to just ignore myself.

Which is probably why I let it ruin my life in the span of 3 days.

Hindsight isn’t just 20/20; it’s a bitch.

[replicatefish]

I love the way you look at me,

and the way you pet my hair.

I love the way you say my name,

and the way you’re always There.

I love the way you only see me,

and that I seem to you like royalty.

Your love is like an earthquake

and I can’t evacuate.