a eulogy for my baby sister, my best friend, my whole world.
As a writer, I have always tried to avoid cliches. Nobody wants to hear the same speech about seizing the day and appreciating the little moments. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and waterproof mascara by just handing you all some Dove chocolate and telling you to read the inside of the wrappers. We’ve heard it a thousand times already and we’ll hear it a thousand more. I’m going to do my best to circumvent the tired, overused metaphors and quotes, but when you’re talking about love and life and death, they are an inevitability. Particularly when speaking about someone like my sister.
I have no recollection the most important day of my life, the day she was born. But my mother certainly remembers because the epidural only worked on half her body. For me, it was the day my heart was completed, my soul’s counterpart arrived, and my very best friend came into my life. She graced this world with her baby blonde curls and a laugh that sounded like music. You had to specifically tell her to “put clothes on”, not “get dressed”, because she would come downstairs in a ball gown with matching shoes and a purse, when we were only going to the grocery store. She was pure sunshine.
Most people would say that my sister and I had very little in common. As children, she loved dolls and dresses, while I loved dinosaurs and overall shorts. Rachel twirled and plied her way through ballet class with joy, while I was knee deep in muck in a barn with horses. Our differences continued to grow as teenagers too. She worshipped the ground One Direction walked on and I wouldn’t be caught within a mile of those guys. (Okay, since we’re in church, I probably shouldn’t lie. The Irish one is really cute.) She wanted to go to London, I want to go to New York. She was a daydreamer and I am painfully type-A. I craft only with words, but my sister could turn an everyday object into something artistic, unique, and beautiful.
But in the end, it didn’t matter. We both loved show tunes and singing in the car together. We both spent far too much time and money in Target. We loved to scare each other with pranks and we both seemed to think that the best way to spend a Friday night was blasting Taylor Swift and filming ourselves lip-syncing and dancing around the house while our parents were out. But most of all, we loved each other more than anyone in the entire world.
Rachel was far and away the most creative, imaginative person I’ve ever met. She spent a great deal of her time creating personalized gifts for those she loved. My favorite thing she ever gave me was a prescription bottle filled with pill capsules she had put tiny notes into, reminding me to stay strong, to keep fighting, and most of all, that she believed in me. Thinking about the hours that must have taken her blows me away. She was also the queen of one-liners that often left my family and our friends doubled over laughing. Just when you thought she wasn’t listening, Rachel would chime in with the most out-there, ridiculous, genius line you’ve ever heard. And like most women in our family, she was quirky, sassy, and filled to the brim with personality. I can still hear her telling me to turn around, take off that ridiculous outfit, and let her fix the ‘situation’.
More than anything, she was unwaveringly kind. Many of her friends have reached out recently and told me that she was there to listen to and love them in their darkest hours. I never really knew that Rachel wasn’t just tweeting on her phone, she was taking care of those in need. If someone needed advice or love or just someone to believe in them, she was ready at all hours. She came into my room every night to say goodnight and ‘I love you’, always asking if there was anything she could do to help me. Rachel was in so much pain herself, but she always offered her help, whether it meant filling a bath tub for me or assuring me that I can win this battle and reach remission. Her compassion inspires me tremendously every single day. She was my whole world and more.
I have missed my sister every moment, every half of a moment, since she passed away. This loss is a tragedy on so many levels. But it’s not just a tragedy. Yes, a beautiful, talented young woman died far too soon after suffering for far too long. Yes, I lost half of myself and my family will never be the same. Yes, this world is far less beautiful without her. Her death broke my heart, but it also let light in. My family fell to our knees, but everyone here came running to help us stand again. This loss smacked me in the face, kicked me in the teeth, and shoved me off a cliff, but all I could think about when I was falling was the incredible amount of love in our lives and how lucky I am that I had eighteen years with such an incredible person. This isn’t just a tragedy. There is grace, love, inspiration, and so many lessons to be learned. If that isn’t beautiful and miraculous, I don’t know what is. That’s why I wanted to stand up here and speak to celebrate her life and spirit, not just to mourn her.
Rachel was the best teacher I’ve ever had. She could find light in the darkest places. She loved freely and deeply when she had every reason to be bitter and cold. She used her talents to make others feel loved and special. And somehow in her death, Rachel gave me the greatest lessons of all: Fill your life with as much love as you possibly can and then add more. She would want us to tell and show our loved ones what they mean to us, whether that means saying “I love you”, “I miss you” or even “Here, I made you a snow globe with glitter and a Harry Styles figurine in it”, I know that’s what Rachel would want us to do.
All I have ever wanted is for my sister to be free of pain and despair. I believe that God brought Rachel home so that she could truly live and be liberated from her suffering. I have no doubt that I will see her again. Until that day comes, she will never miss a One Direction concert. She can draw and craft and dance. She can dye her hair in colors that don’t even exist on this earth. She will never feel another ounce of pain. She will only be surrounded by light. This is not the way I dreamed of my sister’s freedom, but I trust God and I trust my sister. I didn’t lose Rachel, I gained a guardian angel. My baby sister will never leave me and I will honor her legacy of kindness, acceptance, and love forever.
Rachel loved Peter Pan, even going as far to call herself Neverland Rachel online. I believe with all my heart that she finally made it there, the second star to the right and straight on until morning…
I’ll meet you there one day, Rach. Thank you for everything. Every tiny moment. Every huge, loving gesture. And all the joy in between.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
You were my best eighteen years.
2087
germansingergirl
areudirty
dededos
annaxmalina
