Sleeping was craved by Steve’s body, so needed that it held him tightly against the bedding despite the world turning around him. He didn’t realize how long he had been asleep until his eyes parted and the world was dark again. The day had swept into the night and as he looked over at the clock he say a flashing ten on the screen. Ten at night? He had slept nearly twelve hours? The feeling foreign as his body slowly allowed him to move, almost sluggish it took him several moment to remember where he was. The guest bedroom. The fog of his brain registered the room before remembering why he had been there. He glanced around looking for Bucky, brow furrowed before he realized several of the things he had brought with him were gone. Steve’s body rolled forward, sitting upright before his gaze danced around, “Bucky?” He called out, his voice almost hoarse from the heavy sleep in it.
He sat quietly for a moment, chest rising and falling before he climbed out of the bed and put his boxers and pants on. Steve moved around the empty apartment, tentatively looking to see if the man had merely came out for food or TV. Empty. “FRIDAY, locate Sergeant Barnes,” Steve directed softly, the AI responding within seconds. “Sergeant Barnes is not in the building.” Steve’s heart sank, the worst thoughts betraying his better judgement as he looked around in the pitch black apartment hopelessly. “When did he leave?” His voice quieter, almost aching. “1300 Hours, sir.” Steve’s brow furrowed before he sunk into the back of the couch, his head dipping into his hands before letting out a breath. Nearly ten hours ago. Meaning Steve hadn’t been asleep long until he bolted. Bucky left Steve there after everything, left Steve after – his heart was crumpling.
Quickly he moved away from the couch and found his phone in the kitchen, moving to flip through the contacts noticing that Bucky’s phone had been taken from the dresser in the room. He thought about calling, thought about demanding to know where he was. Yet he was hurt, his heart aching, and all he could do was punch angrily at the phones messaging center. ‘Thanks for today, now I know what it feels like to be one of your one night stands too. I thought this was different, but I guess not. The great ladies man Bucky Barnes, just had to have me on the list too?’ Steve’s resolve crumpled, hitting the send button before leaving the phone on the counter. He thought about crawling back into the bed to at least savor the smell of him. The pain in his gut forced him to move into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him and forcing himself to go back to sleep. The world of dreams had to be better than this.
Ten hours was a long time to think. It gave him time to run everything he could remember over again. How the night before had gone, how drunk he had been and how he had tried to take advantage of Steve. How in the morning everything had been different. Bucky had been the one to change every dynamic of their relationship. He couldn’t be content with having his friend in his life. He had to have something more that he knew was impossible to ask for. Worst of it all wasn’t what had happened that night or the fear he had felt when Steve shoved him against the wall. It was knowing the moment he left the Tower he would ruin everything completely. It didn’t matter if someone else was the reason Steve slept with him. It didn’t matter that Bucky had admitted he loved him in a language Steve didn’t understand. Nothing else mattered to him except the feeling of how toxic he really was. Everything he touched crumbled at one point or another.
Self hatred was nothing new for Bucky Barnes. There were more days he hated himself than he could stand to face himself in the mirror. Steve was his best friend, but he couldn’t help wondering how loose they used that term. They were familiar. They were an important part of each other’s past. Were they really friends now, though? In this time? It wasn’t often Bucky even saw the Captain anymore. They were both too busy with their own lives, their own business going on. Steve was Captain America, he had an image he had to uphold. Bucky? Well, he was the guy the bad guys really didn’t want to see. Still that ghost that Hydra had created. Still that weapon that could kill without feeling emotion.
He was slumped in a booth at a bar across town, far enough away he was sure Steve wouldn’t find him. It was questionable. It was dirty. The liquor was cheap, though, and everyone looked like they were ready for a fight. No one seemed bothered by the long haired man, though. They focused on their own problems and arguing with one another about some sports team that Bucky didn’t have the energy to pay attention. He had been sitting there a good hour with the same cup of whiskey sitting in front of him when he felt his phone vibrate. The name appeared and his heart sank as he forced himself to read the following message. Each word felt like another cut digging deeper and deeper into his chest. Lips tightened, teeth digging into his cheek until he tasted the copper flavor of blood hitting his tongue. He debated a long time on what to say back. He didn’t know what to say. Apologies wouldn’t work because truth was.... he wasn’t sorry. Steve wouldn’t understand, but it was Bucky’s way of protecting both of them. Bucky from getting hurt and Steve from becoming tainted by the dark cloud that hung over his head.
[ txt ; Steve ] maybe you should learn Russian, then decide to tell me you’re just another fuck under my belt.
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