About a year ago, I started volunteering at a suicide and substance abuse hotline even though I only had like 2 months sober from alcohol at the time and wasn’t seeing a therapist for my depression and whatever the fuck other mood disorder I probably also have. I was good and stayed the course and completed all 200 hours you commit to when you sign on for the super intensive training. During my last shift, a lady I was talking to asked why I volunteer, and for some reason, I decided to be honest. I told her that it was because I know what it’s like to feel so worthless and hopeless that you just want to die and that I wanted to be there for others who also felt that way. Then she asked me what’s keeping me from just killing myself and even though I tried to take it in stride, all I heard was, “What makes you think you’re special enough to keep living?” After that, I took the month of March off to decompress with the goal of returning to my weekly 4 hour shifts this month. My first shift back was scheduled for tomorrow, and part of me wants to go so bad. Being there for my fellow sadsacks and lonely hearts is one of the only things that makes me feel like I have any value in this world, but as today went on, my heart became heavier and heavier, weighted by the dread of shuffling into the office tomorrow knowing that I’m nothing but a fraud who can barely even keep herself functioning. I just called to cancel my shift, and almost starting crying to the volunteer coordinator who picked up my call, and I just feel so pathetic and ashamed. But tomorrow, no matter what, I am going to bite the bullet and finally find a therapist because I know I can’t keep going on like this. Refusing to get treatment is nothing but selfish at this point, and it needs to stop. Anyway, I know probably no one is reading this, but if you are and can relate at all, please learn from my failures and don’t let yourself get to this point. It’s no fun. No fun at all.
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