* you start reading
I miss you
…heh listen to me
Laying here talking to empty space like you’re still gonna answer back
you never said much, did you?
…
funny thing is I liked that
you were the only one who didn’t look at me like I was nothing
everyone else looked me down Just a joke
you saw… something else
potential
…heh yeah you made sure I felt it too
pushed pulled tore me apart piece by piece just to see what I’d become when I put myself back together
and I did
for you
because every time you looked at me it felt like I wasn’t just… a mistake
I was something worth it
something worth more
…
so yeah, I hated you for it
for being so damn hard on me that I started hearing your voice even when you weren’t there
…
But…
I loved you for it too
isn’t that messed up?
…
you were the only one who didn’t lower the bar for me
the only one who believed I could actually reach it
and I did didn’t I ?
look at me now
…go on
look
…
hah
yeah that’s the problem
you can’t
you’re gone
just… gone
no one telling me to be better
and I
…I don’t know if I hate that more…
or if I’m relieved
because if you were here
would you still believe in me?
or would you finally look at me the way everyone else does?
…
maybe it’s better like this
maybe you staying gone means I get to keep that version of you
the one who saw something worth it on me
the one I could be proud of standing in front of
…
because I was proud
even when it hurt
even when I wanted to quit
…
…god
listen to me
pathetic
still chasing approval from someone who isn’t even here to give it
still trying to be what you saw in me
still
…
still missing you
…
I hate you
I hate what you made me into
I hate that I can’t stop trying to live up to it
I hate that even now
I’d do it all again
…
just to hear you say it once
just once
that I did good
…
…
…
…I miss you
* it seems this is the end of it
* the rest are hard to understand
*…
* you saw a sketch of a mysterious man next page
* there’s something written small under the corner…
* G A S T E R
