I remember the second time it occurred to me that, you definitely had a problem of harassing people with sexual questions. Even with the couple we were close to (when double dating with) you crossed the line. I remember it so clearly because thatâs when I started to feel I couldnât trust you, this feeling that allowed for our small bickering fights to escalate to these really dramatic scenes that Iâve tried to completely erase and block from my mind.
She said, âLeila, I need to show you something,â I was sitting right next to my pistmate (person I was sharing the bathroom with) in the computer lab. I saw it clear as day, his profile picture asking a sexual favor and asking if she would have a threesome with me and him. Outraged, I told her I would confront you. She continued, âI didnât respond or say anything. But this has been happening to other people on the base.â In response, I kind of just shook my head in disbelief. But it was clear that he had messaged her. And I was mad, internally and didnât know how to let it out. So I kept it inside but when you have too much alcohol-the truth comes out.Â
That night, there was a lot of drinking at his place. But I remember facing him when everyone left, it was dark and I had too much to drink. All he did was laugh at my face saying that she was lying and being stupid. That he wouldnât do something like that. I told him if he was doing what he was doing, to just let me know, I will not tolerate it. If he wants to mess around, I would leave him. I started to cry and then and there is where he started to tell me to shut up. That was the first time, Iâve seen his anger come out. That was the beginning of the fighting.
When we made up, make up sex was great. We liked to dress up and role play. To me, it was like playing pretend. You would get off at the made up stories I would come up with. But I kept it separate from reality. Who knew that you loved playing pretend even in reality.
Time went on, and as it did like one of those time lapse things you see in movies, I kept hearing more and more stories. I would confront you who were in denial of all of them. In the military, there comes a time to where you have to deploy. And it was your time and we decided to be together and give long distance a go.Â
You loved the sex stories I wrote. Only difference between you and I, is that to me it was make believe and it wasnât something I longed for in reality. For you, it was something you longed for-what you got off on. And since you were away, you let me stay in your room of the apartment you shared with your room mate until you got back.Â
There was a time when your room mateâs gal had guys over when your room mate was away. I remember always thinking that something may have been going on between you. Her and I were really good friends including your neighborâs girl. But you had told me to give her the phone and so I did. Whatever you had said to her made her kick her friends out. No one ever wanted to mess with your anger. Â
Days and nights passed until I had to pick you up from the airport. After that it was always the same, fighting, yelling, punching walls, you telling me to shut up as I cried. It was more extreme when there was alcohol and we were always drinking. Then, you started leadership school and because of all the talk about you chatting it up with all the girls on base, it made me crazy. So crazy I was fixated on texting you-blowing up your phone. Always worried that you were talking to someone else if you didnât reply right away.
It was so bad, I remember being called in to the office about bothering you at leadership school. That was our big break up. I remember my supervisor who was known to be the biggest biznitch and my civilian supervisor. They asked me questions and told me could not contact you.Â
The first shirt called me in to his office and assigned a âno-contactâ order or there will be consequences to face. I had a hard time accepting it. It was like I was addicted to you-blinded by what seemed to be love. Â
I had to drive to your place with hopes of running into you. I had begged to see you one last time that I would leave you alone if you did. Why was I like this? Looking back its not the kind of healthy love that anyone wants. You told me you love me, that it was the hardest thing for you to do. But you said it was too much for you. That you needed a break from me. But thatâs how we were to each other especially when we fight.Â
This was the very first time, our relationship made a wrinkle in both of our careers.
