Perhaps Itâs Better To Give In
He should have gone home by now. He should have called his boyfriend and told him that he was alright. He had been gone for almost two days now. Yesterday he had left for work to model some more like he usually did but when he left there for some reason he didnât go home. He had stayed out even slept in a cheap motel room that he was debating if he should bother to go back to for another night seeing as it was getting late once again.Â
His phone had been turned off since he had gone to work. He knew he should turn it on. He knew that he shouldnât even be out in this rain. He knew that he should have been home a day ago. He knew he was probably worrying his boyfriend at the moment it was like he didnât really care.Â
Maybe it was his depression kicking in again. Maybe it was the fact that he really couldnât pretend that his crest wasnât there. There was no other reason for him standing out here and not talking to anyone. Not even calling Taichi. He and him didnât get into any fights. There was no other problem on why he didnât go home after work. He just felt empty and sad. An unmotivated feeling washing over him where he didnât even want to take a step because it seemed like it was too much effort.Â
Letting a soft sigh escape his lips the feeling of the rain drops were starting to soak his jacket. His glasses already full of water droplets. The roads were beginning to be empty. It was rather strange to watch such a busy road in the day time be so abandoned late at night.Â
He moved his right hand to grip his left wrist, holding the sleeve against his skin. Knowing the scars lay underneath. It had been a long time it felt like since he actually used a blade against himself. The last time he remembered using one was the time he got put in the hospital. After that it was like Taichi and him tried to get him out of the habit, out of the need to inflect harm upon himself.Â
And it had worked for a while.Â
Especially since Takeru knew about what Taichi had been hiding. He was so focused on either being almost like a house wife and also having the thoughts about Taichiâs âproblemsâ always on his mind. Well and his newly job. But yesterday it just had hit him so suddenly. He wasnât sure what caused him to feel like this when he got off work. He wasnât sure if it was what he had been reading, posing for, hearing other people chat or anything. Maybe nothing triggered it and maybe it just came all on its own.Â
He felt like he was being pulled back into the dark hole he had been in for so long. He felt like his inner demons were dragging him back down and holding him hostage once again. And even if he could scream he knew he wouldnât be heard.Â
He should just let them in again. Let these feelings consume him entirely.Â
Hearing one last car drive by had got him out of his slight daze. As he stepped back from the road as to move to not get splashed. His hand had let go of his writs and he slowly took out his phone. He turned it on but put it back into his pocket. If he did have unread text messages or missed calls he was just going to ignore them.Â
He leaned against a building, tilting his head slightly. He was on the same sidewalk to head to work or go back home. But he knew he wouldnât go either way. Not even the sounds of the motel sounded good. His legs just felt heavy and another heavy sigh escaped him. He didnât want to do anything. Even moving away from the road felt like it took more out of him than it should have.Â
He just wanted another blade.Â
Maybe then these feelings would slip away just like the blood would from his wrists.Â
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