
Andulka

Love Begins
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Misplaced Lens Cap
No title available
Keni
cherry valley forever

#extradirty

tannertan36
Sade Olutola
Stranger Things

Product Placement
taylor price
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Cosimo Galluzzi
Show & Tell
The Stonewall Inn
No title available

ellievsbear
YOU ARE THE REASON

seen from Norway
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States

seen from Norway
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from India

seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Türkiye

seen from Malaysia
seen from United Kingdom

seen from Malaysia

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Ireland

seen from Canada
@restlessandmessless
Happy Felix
Monday 12:04am, August 31st
Kind of just now realizing the reason why I’m so paranoid about being judged, especially from Davis kids, is because I find myself super observational and tend to have people “figured out”, when in reality I don’t know half their story. Although the difference between observing and judging are the people who act on their judgements and fiend off of finding flaws in people to make themselves feel better. Truthfully, I can’t stand anyone who condescends others. That’s what high school/ the Davis (and probably other places) kids were all about and that’s why I want no part of my hometown. I have great memories with people and truly hope the best for most of em. But Im not interested in playing the catch up game or comparing myself with others who I went to school with.
Wednesday 10:46, August 26th
I so helplessly feel like shit. I’m also an asshole for making my boyfriend who lives with me feel like shit. Yay. Just wanna numb and not feel like a loser numbing, so fucking healthy. I also must seem reeeeeal attractive, having all these amazing things in my life, and feeling still so unsatisfied and worthless. God i hate that mike has to see this side of me. But thats who I really am, a fiend for fulfillment and happiness, who looks past the things I already have. Hah its so frustrating that I see the situation for what it truly is but cant fuckin do anything about it
Tuesday 4:07am, August 18th
Ok wtf is up with my sleeping. I seriously don’t remember the last time I slept soundly through the night and woke up at a decent time. Mehhhh this really isn’t helping my mood throughout the day. I really need to fill my meds but fuck that lady I’m not seeing her. Both Felix and I need doctors appointments. So much effort finding the right person for us though. Everyone sucks and how can I rely on people to fix me or my bunny. Uhg. Uhg uhg uhguhguhuhgughughguhg. It’s so frustrating not being able to help myself. I know its not the meds I need to be relying on, I need to focus on something that makes me feel of worth. I just don’t have that right now. Feeling worthless is one of the most awful feelings and I just want to not feel awful which leads me to drugs which leads me to feeling worthless which leads me to feeling awful. It’s a vicious circle.
Thursday 1:18pm, August 13th
Uhggggggghg I hate feeling unproductive I can't stand it like idk what to do with myself. I got two applications today but I don't even know exactly what I'm applying for. I just wish the first place would have worked out. I can't believe that fucking bitch told them not to hire me. I feel so helpless and angry. But yay mike just made me a grilled cheese. Now I am happy
Thursday 11:22pm, August 6th
I hate when I feel it's necessary to smoke to numb my feelings. Idk why i go thru random major mood kills but once every couple days this has been a pattern. I'm really happy with where I'm at with my family and boyfriend but my mind will physically not allow me to just feel happy. It's frustrating too because I can't understand why I feel so upset. Like what is it that makes my heart hurt and makes it difficult to be at peace with the present. I think a major issue is that I'm fucking scared of my own feelings. I hate feeling anything that isn't content and I don't do well with trying to improve on that. Feel good or feel nothing at all. Such a sane, healthy mindset
Advice from A-Z by yours truly
Ask for help at the god damn grocery store. You know how much time you save doing that rather than trying to find the item yourself.
Bunnies- get one.
Consider other people’s feelings, it will get you so much farther in life ultimately.
Don’t be an asshole.
Eat anything you fucking want. Just stop eating when you’re full at any moment.
Feel your feelings. This one sucks but fuckin do it.
Good vibes seeing the light in everyone.
Have fun, even if fun for you means being lame, just do it.
Irresponsibly responsible.
Joke around but be serious and real.
Keep only the exceptional people in your life.
Love deeply and know that you are loved deeply.
Make connections. Never speak again, or do, but make connections with random people.
Netflix is cool, but not netflix is cooler sometimes.
Open your heart to every human being until they give you a reason not to,
Pass the weed. Never be stingy about that.
Quit degrading people.
Reach out when in need, reach out when sensing others in need.
Sleep is a good thing. Naps are good.
Try to care. About things and like, yourself.
Understand someone’s silence.
VAGINA i couldn’t think of a v
Wine drunk is necessary sometimes.
Xi is a word, just in case you’re ever playing scrabble or words w friends one of these days.
You have no control over the future but you have control right now.
Zillions of times you’re going to be let down.
See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.
Wayne Dyer (via wordsnquotes)
Wednesday 3:14am, August 5th
Can you actually fucking believe its August now. The weeks and months have been going so fast I feel like at this point we’re all just floatin thru time. I wouldnt ever imagine being where I am today one year ago. It’s weird how my one year ago self was so “happy “ so “carefree” so “healthy” so obsessed with the idea of God.. so wrapped up in my own head in freakin LaLaLand... Uhg. Not to say i have 0 faith in God or completely out of Lalaland, but damn I have gotten better at chilling the fuck out. I’d still consider myself an anxious, low self esteemed freak but compared to last year, I am a better anxious low self esteemed freak !!!!!!
Currently Felix and I are posted up on my couch. I feel his nose scrunching while he breaths right next to my ear. Fuck best 15 bucks Ive ever spent. A 15 $ bunny ball of love. Mikes in my bed sleeping soundly.
I got so fucked up throughout the day. My body didnt really know what to do with itself with benzos, copious amounts of weed, half an energy pill, coffee, and champagne to top it off. I thought for sure I was gonna be puking but thankfully I just blacked out. I love when that shit happens. Bug uhg I woke up at 3am and now I’m like awake and ready to start the day. So what do I do? Blog. Boom Bam. Mike sleeps, Felix is accompanied, my mind is stimulated. Everyone wins. Mike and I crack up that we start talking similarly and using each others lingo. Mostly me getting his lingo so engraved my brain that it starts coming out of my mouth, it’s pretty funny. Ok Felix is straight sprinting in circles in around me off and on the couch and under my feet. This is exactly the kinda shit I do to get attention so ya obviously he is currently being held like a newborn baby and cheeks rubbed.
Ok back to my topic on how much changes in a year. I feel like I used to be so synthetically happy. Like all throughout high school, dorm life in Arizona, working at scummy restaurants, living in santa cruz.... thats right santa cruz.... how does one not be genuinely happy living in a place like that. At the time obviously I thought I was stoked and high on life but turns out I was just as unfulfilled there as any other place. I definitely got my time to shine some light and receive some light back while living there but my soul was still unsatisfied. Now I’m living in fucking Folsom. How much more random does it get. and my dad is fully supporting me living in my own apartment. I feel so undeserving, it’s the worst feeling. Part of me wants to sit back and enjoy this while I can and the other part of me just feels like a mooch whose not going to school and useless to society. I’m so lucky to have a job at a place like the retirement home where I can truly use my gifts and make people happy. Too bad the management are fuck faces and take away from the love of my job. I’m ready to move on to bigger, better things, I’m just patiently trying to figure out what. Lol “patient” more like ANXIOUSLY RESTLESSLY.
This night was a big night. I don’t know what happened to my words and my voice but I feel like my heart was completely speaking. When telling someone you want them to move in with you I would usually think for hours and hours on how to say that /if I even want to say that with the possibility of rejection. But tonight I just opened up my heart completely and told him exactly how I felt. Without even having to think. Without losing the words. Without sounding dumb. Without prior anticipation. Crazy man crazy i tell ya.
Other than what is written here I don’t remember much else from my day. Other things happened too I know it. More really good sex did. But I still feel like I’m forgetting important chunks
Would you put a 20$ bill in a grinder and smoke it if it got you high?
Tuesday 8:55pm, July 14th
*rips bong* Damn it, definitely got back into my old smoking ways. Maybe even worse by now than when I was livin in Santa Cruz. Uhg. I don’t understand how I feel about that. I don’t even really wanna try and explain it honestly because I’m just so back in forth about it in my mind and I don’t really wanna make a decision how I feel about it anyway. Days are just going by. Its been awhile, too long, since I’ve done something that made me feel of worth. It’s been awhile since I’ve been nice to my body, which is weird because someone else is so nice to it. You’d think that would make me want to treat it nicer but honestly nope. I’d rather just be high, eat, and sleep in my spare time for right now. I’m deeply afraid of change but hopefully that is one of the things that does. *hits bong again* ***cough attack**** aaaaand I’m alive. Its funny what inspired me to write this evening was that Mike said writing could be a potential hobby/ something that I am interested in. (One of the many responses to me bitching that I have no hobbies or talent lol) I thought it was cute. Idk if I’d consider it a hobby but I don’t mind it from time to time. And might as well be putting that shit on the internet because I can. This way I’ll have shit to look back on and be even more disappointed in my poor decisions. It’ll be awesome. Btw I have a bunny and he is so fucking overwhelmingly cute and holy shit I cant even stand it