balance

balance Δ your only limit is your mind Δ

[restorebalance]

going low sugar

and losing the will to live. kidding. kidding. has going low sugar been rough? so far, yes. but I do not regret making the shift at all.

until recently, I paid sugar no attention. I saw no difference between honey and maple syrup (save for the fact that one of them tasted better. honey isn't my favorite thing but it's growing on me). I would add maple to every smoothie I made and I cared not how many grams of sugar were in the 3+ cups of coffee I drank every day. I embraced the concept that natural sugars- like those found in fruits and carbs- were healthy which I still believe and I don't count or include those sugars. but I also thought as long as my sugar source was maple syrup, or cane sugar it wouldn't matter how much of it I consumed.

but I started to notice some patterns. first, I noticed my sugar cravings worsening because I've been struggling with under-eating at work. this makes sense; after hours without any fuel my body needs quick energy and makes me want sugary things. the problem is, I kept giving into that instead of challenging myself to eat more and avoid the sugar cravings all together. and whenever I would give in and eat the sugary things I felt just really freaking awful for hours afterwards.

initially, I didn't notice the correlation between the sugar and me feeling terrible. but after a couple of weeks of that same pattern of under eating, eating sugar, under eating, eating sugar etc., I got sick. this is what really helped me realize the effect sugar was having on me. I made the connection that I pretty much always go through a time period - even if it's just one or two days - of eating high sugar (and sometimes other junk foods but always high sugar) foods in the days leading up to me getting sick.

I thought this was just because it was junk food and I wasn't giving my body enough nutrients until I listened to one of Nat and Amie's pod's and they talked about the effect of sugar on your immune system.

my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe that sugar was so harmful to our immune systems. and as I continued listening, digging into their other podcasts, and researching some on my own I learned it's also incredibly inflammatory. I don't know all there is to know about sugar, but I do know that I feel like D E A T H when I eat it. apparently your white blood cells will use sugar in place of vitamin c and use it to make their little 'shields' but since it is not vit c, the shields are weak and when our wbc's attack intruders they end up dying off because they had faulty sugar-shields instead of strong vit c shields.

fascinating stuff. and fascinating to learn I wasn't making the whole sugar-to-sick correlation up. it's been about a week and a half since I decided to shoot for under 25g a day (the real goal is as little as possible, but that's my max), and so far I have had insane cravings, headaches, brain fog, and am perpetually tired. and a wee bit grumpy too.

I went from putting toxic chemical filled oil and sugar soup creamers in my daily coffees to using plain and simple half and half and 1 packet of stevia. it took me about a week to get used to the aftertaste of monkfruit and stevia and erythritol but that quickly faded and now I can't even taste it.

I noticed my coffee cravings went down. because it wasn't only the coffee I was addicted to- it was that beautiful, glittery sugar. and I also noticed my sugar cravings got even worse. I don't have that big of a sweet tooth, but lately all I want is pie and icing and sugary lattes and all of the above baked into a shell with whipped cream on top.

*update* I'm finishing up this post a few weeks later, so I've been low sugar for about a month now. my experience has been really good! I had to rein myself in in the first few weeks because I kept reaching for sugar free chocolates and candies to try and satisfy my cravings and those treats are supposed to be eaten in moderation as they have a lot of crappy ingredients. I was eating a bag a day for the first week...... so I cut myself off of those and decided it would be better for me to have something real with a little real sugar than it would be for me to over-eat fake foods. if you're thinking of going low sugar I do want to give a word of caution. most if not all of the natural sugar-free sugars I found in stores near me were a blend of stevia, monkfruit, etc. AND erythritol or another sugar alcohol. Nothing wrong with sugar alcohols BUT they are really very fermentable in the gut which means they can give you gas or digestive distress. the first week of my using a stevia/erythritol blend in my coffees I got a lot of bloating, bubbling gut etc. so take it slow and maybe just replace ONE of your regular sugar sources at first. Say, the first cup of coffee for your day you switch to sugar free but everything else you consume is not sugar free. slowly swap out anything else you want to switch and you may be able to avoid some of the distress. I went cold turkey (there's a lot wrong with me) and it was hard for my digestive system to adjust. Now, unless I eat a high high volume of erythritol or xylitol I feel pretty much fine.

would you ever reduce your sugar intake?

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ins & outs Δ june

lately Δ I'm going to sound a bit repetitive since my last ins & outs post included this, but it's the truth - I'm struggling with my eating problems and they are flaring up this past 2 weeks. I've noticed I'll have time periods where I'm doing really well and they're always followed by a regression of sorts. strange. I still haven't gone to see a practitioner but I feel like I've finally reached a point where I'm ready to address this head on, so I will be doing that soon.

because of my ed flaring up, I've had verrrry low appetite and if left to my own devices I would 10000% eat nothing and live off of coffee and the occasional cracker. I've been resisting the pull to the dark side though, and I have done my best to push myself to eat three "meals". It's definitely making me feel like trash though and I'm tired all the time and I wake up hungry in the middle of the night. so that hasn't been fun.

I have also gone to low/no sugar. let me tell you that has been an event. I never dreamed it would affect my mood as much as it has. I'm writing a post on that so I'll say no more.

I have also been sleeping pretty well and have started up my workouts again, so that's good.

ins Δ sunlight. I'm trying to get morning sunlight, but even if I miss out on that I've been trying to get my vitamin d stores up and spend an adequate time out in natural light. I love how it feels to soak up that sun it's delicious. being authentic. faking makes me feel physically ill. it hurts my heart when I don't live as my true self. this will be a priority of mine from now on; live true. meals. yeahhhh I'm struggling with this but I know what happens to my body when I only snack. I'm trying my best to learn the art of a well rounded meal. coming from a 10 year vegan background where I thought my dinner could be different forms of flavored sawdust arranged on a plate, this has been interesting. meal prepping. I've been gathering tips and wisdom to enhance my meal prepping skills. that way I can eat whole, healthy dishes every day. I'm not a leftover person so I just gave up on meal prepping before but I realized I can prep ingredients to be used for several days and even pre-make meals that I can eat the next day. I don't have to do the five day meal prep that makes me gag so hard my toes curl. legs up the wall. I've been doing this when I get home from work and it has helped so much. I can either sit or stand at my job and I go back and forth between the two all day. sometimes I take a lap around the office but by the end of the day my calves always feel nasty and swollen. it's like I have to choose between my butt being numb or my shins huuuuurting. I need to get a little stair stepper, but at least putting my legs up the wall has been helping to reverse some of that stress and get my lymphatic system flowing.

outs Δ sugar. oh, sugar. sweet, sweet, sugar. I got rid of you and I don't regret it. love, me. not preparing. if I know I'm going to be out of the house for hours, and I also know I do not eat anything from fast food restaurants, then I need to pack and prepare something I will eat. It's no one else's job to care for me but my own, and I need to take it seriously. not moving daily. I know this is important. everyone pretty much knows this. but you'd think..... that I didn't. lol. favorites Δ my new daily coffee combo is a pour over made with medium roast grounds, 1 packet of stevia sweetener and half and half. sometimes I add cinnamon and it has been so good. my loosey linen pants for work. they don't push on my tummy and they allow me to sit cross legged in my desk chair. I really feel like I'm in pjs. or star wars trousers. migrazap roll on. it's a magnesium migraine roll on that smells like peppermint and I use it for headaches or when I feel nauseated at work. it works very well.

what changes in your wellness has june brought your way?

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fixing my routines

I'm spontaneous and flighty. I guess you could even say fickle. it's not my favorite thing about myself, but I must admit it's true. one of the biggest challenges in my life has been sticking to things. and that includes routines.

maybe you're sick of hearing the words 'morning routine' because I kinda am. when I hear those words a dark and scary image of all of the social media creators whispering into their microphones describing every little detail of their perfectly curated mornings flashes before my eyes and leaves me with a shiver down my spine.

not only do I struggle with consistency, but I realllly dislike inauthenticity. absolutely hate it. and not just in others, but if I catch myself being inauthentic I usually know because I'll get sick. I'll become physically ill from it. the consequences of behaving that way are heavy for me.

regardless of all this, I have found myself waking up with anxiety and a low mood repeatedly. I feel scatterbrained, unsure of what I'm doing or where to even start, rushing to get to work every morning, feeling unfulfilled in the evenings, not knowing when I should fit my movement into my day and therefore letting it just drop off the priority list and feeling like every day is going by so quickly.

this Saturday, I absolutely couldn't take it anymore and I had a conversation with myself. I'm a fairly ambitious and driven person and I pretty much always have a goal. but my lifestyle wasn't supporting any of them and I was slowly starting to feel not only like a mess, but like they were all out of reach and I was wasting my time. when I was praying on Saturday, I felt God telling me that I could be doing more. not so much that I'm not working hard enough, but that I could be living more passionately. that He wants me to really live and go for it. He wants me to be proactive. and that gave me a burst of inspiration to tackle this habit I have of just leaving my days up to the world and circumstance.

if you struggle to formulate a routine for yourself these tips might help you! there's no shame in struggling with something; only in refusing to do anything about it.

start small. I started this transition by sitting down and asking myself, "what is the least I would need to do with my morning to feel proactive and ready for the day?". that's right, the least. you may not need to start this simple, but I've been so petrified by morning anxiety in the past that I couldn't handle anything other than 1-2 expectations. it may look like this: get ready and shower before watching tv. that is genuinely what my list started as years ago when I first realized I had a problem with routine and wasting my mornings. (I had a huge problem with living for my shift at work only, basing everything around that, and rotting at home otherwise so this was part of that). thankfully, I am in a better place now and I was able to skip to step 2.

expand that list. but don't get weird. I advise you to still think as minimally as possible. once you get to a point where you can see the positive impact step 1 has had on your mornings, add another step or two or if you're ready go all the way, write down everything you expect yourself to do in an average morning. my list turned out like this: drink water 5 min stretch (if I'm doing yoga that morning I just skip this) morning sunlight (drink coffee outside or go for walk. depends on what I have on the schedule. I only need 5 mins of natural light if it's a sunny day, 10 if it's a little overcast. this is for circadian rhythm regulation not for vitamin d production) breakfast & planner be positive about the day & pray for it movement (might be yoga, might be pilates just depends) shower & get ready tooth care skin care lemon water tidy up you might be looking at this thinking that's not the most minimal version I could do, but a lot of it has deeper meaning to me and is directly related to a goal I have. water is on there because I constantly struggle with dehydration and if I skip that and go straight for my morning coffee I feel like death. my stretch is to encourage myself to even get up because I really struggle to fully wake up without sitting for 20 mins and staring at the wall. write it however makes sense for you and write what you think you can actually do.

do the same with your evening. I repeated the process for my evening and also kept it as simple as I could.

time it. that way you can plan accordingly especially on mornings before work. if you know your routine takes you about 1 hr (without rushing. I would try to carve out enough time for you not to have to add rushing and stress on top of all of these new expectations) then you can plan better!

go for it. but be flexible. life is cyclical. there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes, baby) and there are days where you will be energetic, you will meet every expectation, you will finish the day as close to perfect as possible, but that's not going to happen every day. not even close. and that's okay! just go with the flow, and remember that if you kept your list simple and attainable, you shouldn't have a problem meeting the expectations most days and that's all you can ask for.

finally, you'll notice I called these tasks expectations and not habits. because that's what they really are. habits are things we try to trick ourselves into doing or getting good at. we worry over the science of how long it will take until we'll just always want to go to the gym. to me it's just kinda stupid. I'm not trying to build a habit of not wasting my mornings, I'm setting an expectation based on my values and the life I want to live and I try to meet that expectation. you don't make a "habit" to show up to work. you have an expectation of yourself to show up because you're committed (maybe just to receiving a paycheck, but still). that's how I view lifestyle changes I make. there's no trick or secret timeline or recipe. I just choose what's important to me and move towards it, I guess. sometimes it's two steps forward one step back. sometimes it's standing still for a few days and then pressing on.

do you have a routine you try to follow?

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a no makeup week

my skin is going nuts. it's been less than good for over a year now when I suddenly got something that looked suspiciously like perioral dermatitis around my smile lines when I was working in healthcare and needed to wear a mask every day. I thought when I left that job my skin (and my sanity) would return to normal. only one of those things happened. and barely, at that.

I've only ever used really simple skincare. a cleanser and a moisturizer, sometimes an exfoliant. anytime I've used special serums or sprays there's no real difference. my skin just always feels dull and dry and now I have all of these red speckles appearing along my jaw. I'm sure the main cause is something internal, but I think I can help it if I pay a little more attention to the external too.

so, I'm going a week without any makeup. I'll only be using my burt's bees gentle cleanser, nivea creme moisturizer and occasionally a charcoal exfoliating mask from lush. I also gave myself permission to use tanning drops (I don't want my face to be white while my body is tan. that would be a look I'm not sure I could pull off), and also brow gel & lip balm. day one was thursday and I used a little bit of coconut oil as a sort of "highlight" on my cheekbones, nose and forehead and I thought that helped brighten up my face a bit. I did the same thing today + my lip balm and brow gel.

I never wear heavy makeup so this isn't the hardest thing for me. I really only wear what I need to help me look healthy and bright. but, I'd rather not have to wear it at all except on special occasions. I really do not like the feeling of having heavy products on my skin, dry rigid lashes, sticky lip gloss etc. but I love to look my best! and of course it gives me confidence to smooth out my skin and elongate my lashes etc. I just want to get to a point where I use as few products as possible and as many of them are actually beneficial/skincare products instead of makeup as possible.

I'm curious to see if my skin improves at all!

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How can I get a tight little body? Asking for a friend.

well, I'm sorry to say but you're asking the wrong person. little? I guess. body? sure. but tight? nope. I've got wings that could take me south with the migration. if you find out how to do it let me know....

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ins & outs Δ may

while listening to this pod episode (link) about avoiding burnout, I was inspired to start a new post. nat gives really good instruction and tips on how to manage your emotions and your body to avoid crashing and burning out and the one that really stuck out to me was the idea of checking in regularly. she suggests doing this as frequently as every day, and I certainly want to fix my morning routine (I'll be posting on that soon; it's a mess) and implement that, but I think on a larger scale I would really benefit from doing a monthly check in of my over all health. what's working, what's not working, habits I've picked up, goals I have, things I've been loving, etc.

it really is so easy to just coast and as life happens you pick up little habits or cluttered thoughts, or bad attitudes, and you don't even realize they're affecting you because you won't slow down long enough to evaluate. it's important to evaluate yourself objectively, too. that's a skill I've realized not everyone has. anyone can learn it, but many people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing so. what they don't understand is that being objective with yourself is so freeing. it isn't incriminating or punishing like it seems to be from the outside looking in. it doesn't condemn you, it convicts you. it feels really good to be able to objectively scan yourself and call out the bad, but this also gives you permission to celebrate the good without a cloud of self-hate or loathing or resentment. it's you just looking at what is and what isn't.

lately Δ

my eating issues have flared up. I noticed my poop protocol helped recenter me but I definitely am struggling with frequent stomach upset and low appetite. I will hopefully be going to see a practitioner for some functional testing soon!

I haven't been sleeping well for the past 4-5 days. I'm waking up with dry mouth and tossing throughout the night. it's strange because I was having really good sleep right before this sudden change. I am trying to drink more water to see if that helps with the dry mouth, but I know sleeping with my mouth open is something I do when I'm stressed. I don't feel particularly stressed right now though??

I'm eating pretty well, there are a couple of things I consume regularly that aren't the best but I'm slowly working on improving overall.

ins Δ

lemon water every morning/night. I've carried this on and I think it is really helping my digestion. it's also reducing my coffee cravings. a big reason why I want coffee all day is because I want a comforting warm drink.

oil pulling & natural toothpaste. I'm working on completely revitalizing my oral health care routine. I'll probably write a post dedicated to that but I will say I started oil pulling in the morning and I switched my toothpaste out for a fluoride free xylitol one and I have already noticed a HUGE difference in the sensitivity of my teeth, how white they are, how clean they feel etc.

yoga as medicine. I'm not and never have been a yoga for a booty type girl. I have always used yoga to heal and support my body and mind and it has been helping me so, so much.

more protein each meal. I'm trying so hard with this, but I haven't had a ton of success. I have succeed at adding more just not the desired amount, but that's okay! I will get there. I had a day at work last week where we had run out of most of our groceries as I was supposed to shop the next day. I didn't have my usual snacks, and brought a salad with no added protein for lunch. I thought I was going to lose it. I went downstairs to the dreaded snack room three times in one shift to get little salty bags of pretzels, chips, and then at the end of my shift when I felt like I either HAD to go brew a cup of toxic coffee with the powdered creamers they keep at the office or eat something with sugar, I chose the latter and it was diabolical. I had a zebra cake. and it tasted....... salty? I made it through but when I got home I felt like I had been run over. note to self was made: don't skimp on protein anymore.

positivity. I work hard to stay positive and it's something I never regret doing. it's a personal choice I started working towards about a year or so ago and it was definitely the right choice. choosing to stay positive is like giving yourself a loving gift every day. I love giving myself that gift!

outs Δ

staying up too late. obviously not a good idea. sometimes I'll stay up so late my eyes hurt and are closing forcefully but I am in the middle of being fixated on, say, this blog and redesigning it or some other little hobby of mine and I don't want to stop being creative. I always regret it in the morning though.

being too available. I want to start using the 'do not disturb' on my phone more often. sometimes we don't realize how much of our lingering stress or anxiety or our inability to focus on tasks has to do with a portion of our mind constantly being on watch for the next text, call, or notification. it's not normal to be available to people 24/7. we should be unavailable for a good portion of the day in my opinion.

replacing meals. I do this when my eating issues are flaring up. I will revert to eating a safe food like having one protein waffle with another cup of coffee for dinner (did that last night.) I am trying to discipline myself to choose what is right for my body and let my body deal with it how it can/needs to. if I always cater to my ed I will never get out of it.

crapping on my morning. forgive the lingo, but I'm sick of this habit of mine. it's so stubborn. I've had morning anxiety on and of for my whole teenage to adult life. I am going to be working on this as a top priority because it's lowering my mood, my quality of life, and my ability to reach goals. so, it has to go bye bye.

when you check in, what does your body tell you? what are you trying to shed this month to become the best you there is?

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making granola

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dealing with constipation

you know when you're so constipated you have to call off work?

no? just me? oh, cool.

I'm going to share everything I've done to try and get my body out of this agonizing constipated state. so, if you don't like poop don't read. everyone who knows me, knows I love to poop and I love to talk about poop.

yesterday evening I started to feel like everything I ate was not moving along. I felt full as if my abdomen was stuffed like a teddy's tummy. but not as cute. I could see a visible 'poof' that was not where bloating from my period would be, but that was in a perfect rectangle around my belly button. I lost my appetite about mid day. tried to eat a few things but my stomach just felt like it was begging for me to give it a break. so naturally I woke up starving around midnight but I resisted the urge to have a snack and fell asleep.

this morning I felt largely the same. had my coffee and decided to just have a slice of toast. about 10 mins after I ate I started to feel nauseated and dizzy. I sat down and that helped but I could just tell my digestive system was working overtime. I have gallbladder issues and so my body already has to compensate for that. adding constipation on top was just a little too much. my nausea didn't go away so I called into work and got down to the real work (so much fun. I hate being constipated but spending a day doing multiple yoga routines and trying herbal remedies was really fun!)

I drank lots of water. I struggle with hydration all the time. dehydration can lead to constipation and I do believe it's one of the main reasons why I deal with this often.

I didn't say no to coffee. I love that coffee helps with constipation. cold brew seems to be the best at getting people to poop, but I had a drip brew and a cold coffee I purchased from the store. it was one of those in a can. tasted like death, honestly. then I had another drip brew in the evening.

I drank warm water with some lemon juice and honey in it. I have to add honey I just cannot do straight lemon. I take about four gulps of that and chase it with regular water and swish so lemon isn't just sitting on my teeth. I did about 6oz of water at 175 degrees with two thin slices of lemon juiced through a strainer & about 2 tsps of honey.

I did this yoga routine (link) 2x with this one (link) in between. I spent more time on the abdomen massage each time I did the first routine. I also modified the twist where you press your abdomen into the rolled up mat or blanket. lifting the leg I'm crossing over the other twisted my torso so much it lifted it off of the blanket entirely, so I wasn't able to put pressure of the side of my intestines. I ended up just crossing the leg over my other, keeping them close enough to touch.

I ate easy to digest foods with fiber like beans & bread for lunch and a sweet potato lentil bone broth "soup" (wasn't really thin enough to be soup) for dinner. I added coconut oil to the soup as well as lots of garlic and yummy spices. it was reallllly good. you could put it on top of rice like a warm churna.

I had some constipation candy. here's the recipe (link). the coconut oil is supposed to butter up your intestines. they were surprisingly delicious. I only had one though since my gallbladder isn't fully functioning and I didn't want to fat bomb it.

I finished the day with a strong cup of senna tea. this was hard for me to get through. I hate floral tasting teas. hate hate hate. like, to me chamomile tea is poisonous. but I managed to drink most of it right before bed.

I didn't strain. this is very important and I had to change bad habits for this. don't strain and push your poo out. if you have to strain you aren't ready to pass it. you can injure yourself, stress your pelvic floor which will worsen constipation issues, give yourself hemorrhoids etc. I gave myself opportunities to poo but if it wasn't something I could do with minimal strain, I waited. (*I should note if you're constipated your poop is likely dry and it will require some straining but if you wait until you feel like you're actually ready to poop you should be able to without, like, passing out)

by the end of the day, I did regain my appetite. I also noticed the lump I felt directly beneath my stomach move down to my lower abdomen. but, I still hadn't pooped. I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad dry mouth. I'm not sure if it was the senna tea because I drank it directly before bed, or if my nasal passage was a little clogged or what. I also woke up to pee which means I wasn't getting deep sleep (felt that this morning), and my intestines felt like they were working. movement was happening.

update: it's the next day. I had to be to work early. I should've had warm water with lemon but I only had enough time to make that or coffee. guess which one I chose. lol. I had a small amount of greek yogurt with maple syrup, pumpkin seeds, cranberries and some peanut butter for breakfast. I was literally typing in this post 'still no poo' when I actually felt like I might be able to go and I DID. I pooped. best day ever. I felt instantly better. that clogged, nauseated, rock hard, full of fluff feeling was gone, baby.

it's hard to tell what really moved it along since I did so many things, but I believe the senna tea and the yoga are what really helped get everything moving. the rest was supportive and preventative. I'm going to eat the leftover sweet potato lentil soup when I get home, have some more hot water & lemon, and do another round of the yoga this evening. I'm trying to avoid getting re-constipated, obviously.

what natural remedies or tactics do you use to keep everything moving?

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fake food

I was vegan for 10 years and vegetarian for 14. I'm no longer either and this is a big reason why. I went grocery shopping today and as I was searching through the cheeses I found this plant-based "cheese" option- something I would've eaten years ago.

If you read the ingredients it says: water, coconut oil, modified food starch, potato starch, sea salt, acid beta carotene (for color), and paprika extract (for color). There are 0g of protein, 0g of fiber, no vitamins, some carbs, 7g of fat, and a crap ton of sodium.

I used to see ingredient lists like this and think "cool, no meat or dairy must be healthy" and toss it in my cart. because my main goal was just to avoid animal products and that took precedence over my health. I didn't understand that this is a big problem.

as with many vegan and vegetarian food products, when you look at what it's made of, it becomes clear that it is a slop mixture of oils and gums/starches + coloring + preservatives + chemicals to make it taste like dairy, bacon, sausage, whatever. the result is a plastic putty with no nutritional value. look at what this food offers your body. almost nothing but negatives. I used to eat this stuff and wonder why I felt so crappy all the stinking time. why I was still hungry and why my gut would go crazy trying to digest it.

let's compare this to the block of real cheese I bought. (note: I reached for a bag of real shredded cheese first but promptly put it back after reading the ingredients. I'm learning not to assume something is clean because it's at least "real". the shredded cheeses have a load of crap in them. colorants, anti caking agents etc. so I purchased a block and will shred it myself to avoid extra fluff. I lived off of factory plastic and chickpeas for too long to voluntarily put more of it in me now...)

ingredients: pasteurized milk, cheese culture, salt, microbial enzymes. it contains more fat than the plant-based (9g) but think about how it's not fat from oil, some cholesterol (30mg), less sodium (almost half the amount), no carbs (I'm not against them, just observing), and 6g of protein vs 0g in the other. it also contains some vitamins like vitamin D and calcium as well as digestive enzymes that are good for your tum.

looking at the difference between these two foods (if you can call the first one that) shocks me. I can't imagine why anyone would choose the first if they just looked past the "plant-based" packaging. mind you, these are meant to be daily foods. it's not a cupcake someone eats every once in a while so who cares how bad it is. it's "cheese" to be eaten daily. eating the first cheese instead of the second over months and months makes you start to feel like you're eating dust bunnies and playdough. your belly is full but your body is screaming for real food. for nutrients and substance and it's struggling to get rid of the inedible crap you're putting in it. eating this stuff destroyed my health and today I was reminded of that and I felt so grateful that I set boundaries and stopped feeding myself that garbage.

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an update

I'm making some changes to the blog & will be reformatting all of my past posts. It will take me a while because my last theme was all wonky and I had to manually adjust every line of writing. so if you hop on here and there's random picture of taylor swift that won't go away, don't fret. (real life example of what I just wrestled with for 30 mins....)

*I might edit or remove some past posts as well. it depends on how aesthetic I feel like being/if I will actually commit to posting more on here. I think about posting often, but I get overwhelmed by the idea of explaining things or anxious about differing opinions and I leave the post in draft. I have looots of posts in drafts for this blog. I need to stop that and just be me. no one even reads this blog, so what have I got to lose, right!?

p.s. I cannot figure out how to fix the fact that there is no infinite scroll or page navigation on this blog. I realllly like the theme so I'll keep trying to fix it but for now you'll have to go to archive to see anything other than the last 2-3 posts. I miss when blogs and using custom themes were a thing.... *sighs*

p.p.s. figured it out. it's kinda ugly but I'm keeping it!

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last night I had an acai bowl for dinner. the first one I've had since summer and it gave me life. I felt so energized and hydrated. when people say acai is a superfood they mean it.

[restorebalance]

there is peace + joy in the pursuit of health

I'm finishing up a messy work week wherein I did the bare minimum to care for myself and my health. I paid close attention to how I felt and compared it to previous weeks since I've been pretty consistent with prioritizing health before this busy week. I thought I'd share how I felt because I find this fascinating. it made me realize that I used to live with these side effects constantly. every day. it's no wonder I was dealing with pretty wicked anxiety. I have felt a surge in anxiety and panic already and I've only been trashing myself for about six days. these symptoms aren't just from what I ate they are also from me not working out, sitting too much at my new job, having too much screen time, not enough water, and poor sleep too.

bloated. big ol' belly.

inflamed. my whole body feels like there is a layer of water trapped under the skin. it's so uncomfortable.

overheated. I usually run cold but this week I've been overheating and feeling itchy.

poor sleep. I didn't sleep well pretty much all week. even when I did "everything right" I just felt hot and had acid reflux from eating bad food and my joints were achey too.

dehydrated. so thirsty. so so thirsty.

waking up with cotton mouth. I woke up a throat so dry I wouldn't be surprised if my spit turned to sand. several times a night.

no energy. I have felt soooooo tired like I could take a nap anywhere at any time. or just stare at a fluff on the floor for 2 years.

aching muscles. I often get restless legs while trying to sleep but this week I had them even while sitting during the day.

brain fog. I have felt like my mind can't even decipher my own face in the mirror. I'm brain dead.

irritability. I feel bored and overwhelmed and tired and wired all at the same time and it has made me GRUMPY. super grumpy.

anxiety. I've had a flare up of anxious thoughts and anxiety around eating this week.

heart palpitations. I had one or two that were big enough to make me loose my breath for a moment. now that I've had these for so long I've begun to recognize a DIRECT relation to either under eating or eating junk for days in a row to me experiencing heart palpitations. without fail for the last year and a half that connection has been prevalent.

swollen ankles. my ankles and calves look fat. I've been resting my legs up the wall at the end of the day to help because they look weiiiird.

neck pain. my neck feels all knotted up. I often feel twisted and crooked but it has gotten worse this week as I haven't prioritized stretching, standing at my desk, or working out to improve my posture.

cravings for junk food. when you eat bad food it makes you want it more and man have I wanted it. bad.

needless to say, I've felt like trash all week. I have been working full time and it has definitely tipped the scales of my priorities from balanced to just trying to make it to my next day off. I hate living like that and it is definitely one of my greatest struggles that I can't maintain commitments and priorities when anything gets too busy/stressful. this coming year I want to focus on improving my resilience so I don't fall apart and have to go through putting my whole routine back together every time I have a busy week or two. I'm still trying to figure out how to support my health journey at my new job. I've always had the opposite problems at work vs. what a workday is like for me now. I used to struggle with moving too much. running around too much. exhausting myself. struggling to find time to sit and digest after eating. not being able to drink enough water because we weren't allowed to have drinks out of the break room (retail is killer). now, I could sit all day if I wanted. literally sit. on my butt for 7 hours. I can drink or eat whatever I want at my desk and nothing could stop me from eating the junk food, candy bars, chips, and poptarts that they have in the office. I can make endless cups of coffee. I can stare at my phone or laptop all day long too and never see the light of day or get fresh air. I definitely do not want to start bad workday habits that hinder my progress and harm my health.

I look around at my coworkers and see that they will sit for their entire shift. eat heavy, fatty foods or eat out every day for lunch. drink several refills of big gulp cokes and coffee after coffee. I don't want to condemn others or judge them but as I am focused on improving my health I notice these things. it actually makes me a little sad. I understand lots of people aren't on a health journey. they are fine with where they are at and they aren't pursuing anything more. I am pursuing more. and when I see the way people who aren't on that path live I wonder how on earth do they manage it? when I lived like I have this week 24/7 I ended up going to the emergency room 3+ times in a single summer. but when you're used to something, or when you don't know the difference/have never FELT the difference, it's easy just to think it is what it is. but I have progressed my body into a state of better being relative to myself and I have felt how much LIFE can be inside of me. I have felt a small portion of my potential and that is largely what keeps me going. keeps me pursuing even more. I wish everyone knew how good their bodies can feel. how possible it is for them to live to their fullest capacity and potential. how they are supposed to feel energized and clear minded and strong and capable. I try to find a healthy balance between caring about my health and maintaining a carefree nature. it sounds like an oxymoron but to me it's not because being carefree doesn't mean you let all of your responsibilities go to crap and you take nothing seriously. it means you have your priorities set and you have learned how to lean on God and not worry about every little thing. I have found so much peace and joy in caring for my health. I wish those who just see health as a fad or a hobby for the elitists could understand that.

[restorebalance]

[restorebalance]

[restorebalance]

my current health routine

this is everything I do at the moment to take care of my body and improve my health. I have found so much joy in prioritizing my health + am slowly layering more habits and routines into my every day to help me feel strong and energized and like I care about myself.

multivitamin + propolis throat spray in the AM. (I started using propolis as a daily supplement to boost my immune response and help keep my body from getting sick. when I bought it I had a sore throat and stuffy nose. the day after I used my first dose it was gone. could've been a coincidence but there are no bad side effects of using propolis daily and so far I haven't felt ill at all unless I didn't eat enough that day but that's for obvious reasons.)

mushroom coffee w/ LAIRD superfood creamer instead of regular coffee. (I sometimes use regular everyday creamer too or just do organic half and half w/ coconut sugar. it depends on how badly I'm craving a sugary drink. the LAIRD creamer is powdered and I'll add a dash of fairlife milk and a little bit of maple syrup if it's not sweet enough for me and I don't want to use the crappy creamer. I'm currently drinking this combo right now and it is very good.)

after 1st cup of coffee switch to matcha, tea, or hot chocolate. (I'm still struggling with this one. I usually crave matcha in winter, so as the seasons change this will be a little easier for me to achieve.)

drink 2-3 water bottles full of filtered water during the day. (I'm pretty good at this at work, but when I'm home that's when I reach for another cup of coffee. I need to drink even more than this but I struggle with the feeling of a lot of liquid in my stomach so this is my first goal!)

bible study + meditation daily. (when I make time to do even just a minute of simple bible study, I feel so much more peaceful and driven and purposeful throughout the day. I've also been working on meditating but I haven't done it daily. I listen to inspiring music and visualize myself being healthy, happy, free, and living the life God wants me to. I feel amazing after I do this, like I gave myself a chance to just dream and feel happy feelings. I also repeat to myself I am healthy. I am strong. I am powerful. with God, I am limitless. I don't believe in manifestation as a power, I don't believe in mantras as magic spells, I believe that I have to believe in myself and be my own biggest encourager. that I need to speak with conviction what God can do over my life. these things have had a huge impact so far.)

working out daily. (I say daily because my goal is to just move every day unless I need to rest. when I need to rest I do. I've been doing MADFIT no equipment workouts and stretch routines and I really enjoy them. I'm trying to shift my mindset into being grateful for my body and believing that it is not weak but powerful. it is a necessity to work out. like brushing my teeth or showering, it should not be overlooked unless I need rest.)

eating one vegetable and one fruit a day. (I'm trying to implement this because I've noticed if I don't keep an eye on what I'm eating I can go a whole day eating starches only. especially if I'm having a difficult eating day.)

sunshine and fresh air. (I try to take a walk every day but I definitely do not always get one in. the fact that I wake up, go to work indoors with stuffy air and artificial light, then drive home in a car, go indoors to my house with more artificial light and recycled air and then sleep in it makes me itchy. I want to make sure I get more raw sunlight and raw air.)

stretching and improving my flexibility. (I used to have my oversplits and be able to fully sink into yoga poses. now, I'm surprisingly stiff for a 20 something. I want to improve my flexibility.)

standing for at least half the day at my desk. (at work I can raise my desk for standing or lower it for sitting. I will usually sit for a bit when I first get there as I drink my coffee but my goal is to at least stand after lunch. I'm so scared of chair butt.

having a positive attitude. (a big lesson God has been teaching me is that I have to choose to be happy + accept the light and peace He offers me. I can wake up and choose. am I going to be happy or am I going to be defeated and sad? I've been exercising this - and it is like exercising a muscle, it takes work- it has had an incredible impact on me. I'm so grateful that God gives me authority over my life and that I can choose so many things.)

limiting highly processed foods. (I still eat processed stuff. I don't have a veggie garden in my back yard. but, I try to limit highly processed foods and make better processed food choices. instead of buying just any crackers (like scrumptious cheez its the bane of my existence), I go for simple mills cheddar crackers or sunnie grain free crackers. my husband and I switched to Primal Kitchen for a lot of our sauces and condiments etc. I'm not psycho about it especially if it's like, mustard. but, breads, crackers, pastas, canned foods I try to buy smarter.)

breath work. (I'm working on my breathing and my goal is do breath exercises daily. I'm not currently doing that but I hope to get there! I like Wim Hof's breathing method and also traditional yogic breathing patterns.)

calisthenics. (this is a generous way to describe what I've been doing. I've been squatting by the wall and trying to walk up it to eventually get a handstand someday haha. I've always been fascinated with and inspired by calisthenics and bodyweight strength but I'm afraid of somersaults. I've got a ways to go.)

challenging myself. (it is so much more important to challenge myself than I ever realized. I used to challenge myself all the time but not in the right way. those things were usually fueled by a need to impress others, honestly. I mean challenge myself like challenge my negative thoughts. put them in their place. or challenge the idea that I am weak, or when I'm sick refuse to think of it as being ill and sorry and instead considering it as my body taking care of me and defeating bacteria and viruses. tackling things that scare me little by little and telling myself I CAN. even staying in a plank ten seconds longer than I want to because it is good to push those boundaries we tell ourselves we have.)

what are all the little things you do to live out a full and healthy life?

[freedom-cycle]

when I close my eyes…