I need to listen to myself before I listen to you.

male // 19 ed/vent blog Block dont report, I spam

[blueberrygemxx]

Vision board.

[reststopblues]

I’m never going to change because change requires me trusting and I cant just take that blind fall I dont want to talk about this shit I dont want to feel like all my fuck ups are my fault I know that I’m saying that. Fuck me I suck

[reststopblues]

I suck

[reststopblues]

I say “hey lets cuddle” and he turns his back to me wanting to spoon him like yeah thats the most connected Ive ever felt to you thanks for rubbing your ass on me and scrolling on your phone while I get to stare into the back of your head with a dead arm. I hate being this hateful. Why cant I just feel the way I wanna feel.

[reststopblues]

Is it crazy to want to feel like your partner actually desires you? Idk what I’m supposed to want anymore. Everything I do and think is wrong. I feel like a friend to him.

[reststopblues]

I just want to feel desired is that crazy? No one actually wants me it’s nuts the way I keep believing peoples jokes on me. The idea of being into me is satirical.

[reststopblues]

Everyones emotions are valid except mine. I’m doing too much or not enough, always doing or saying the wrong fucking thing.

[reststopblues]

Idek if were good together or if he just likes the idea of me because I dont really feel like he likes the actual me. It’s definitely because I’m ugly as shit though and emotionally immature. Idk when someone groans and reels away from you when you get close to them and just laughs never really taking the moment seriously, shrug. I’m psycho

[reststopblues]

I have everything I want and I still feel like shit I still want more. I dont want to do all this work to feel better I just want to be loved.

[reststopblues]

I cannot wait to die

[reststopblues]

Sitting alone in silence thinking is all I ever do. I feel like I’m so cooked theres no coming back from this. Just have to kill myself

[reststopblues]

Why am I even in a relationship knowing I’m going to kill myself soon, why am I such human garbage.

[reststopblues]

I just want to cry he knows what this shit does to me and he still fucking doesnt, he couldnt even ask me whats up he just assumes somethings up and gets upset with me just because I didn’t instantly talk about it. I wasnt being short or rude I was just being quiet and disoriented so everything I did was a fuck up or a frustration to everyone around me. Ill never be understood.

[reststopblues]

I feel like Ill never be understood, not by anyone. I cant just do nothing. No one wants me how I want them.

[reststopblues]

Sometimes I’m experiencing something happy and just think “dang this is gonna be a crazy memory for other people once I kill myself” lmfao

[reststopblues]

Bringing back this one, watching movies or games where the entire characters story is told in montage moments leading upto their deaths I realize Ive done nothing in my life, no single moments will redeem me like my time here has damned me . I was born to kill myself.

[reststopblues]

Am I even doing anything right? Why do I have to suck.

[reststopblues]

My boyfriend making a vent post while sitting right next to me and then when I ask him whats up, everythings fine. I will never be enough.