[rexomnia]

September 24, 2025

So I'm just scrolling through discord channels and lurking in conversations realizing that I really don't know how to make friends anymore LOL. I can talk to people for work but in what I do, I don't share really anything about myself or my personal life unless it's somehow helpful to clients.

Like, how do you make friends as an adult? I'm 34 and while I do have some great friends, we're gonna be moving to a different area, and new area means new people. In the last like 7 years, my socialization outside of friendships I already had before then were interactions with other dog owners at dog parks.

And I go back and forth with this. Am I not already satisfied with my current friendships? Do I even WANT new friends? I think I mostly want community and my friends are pretty spread out. And so I think about my discussions with clients about finding community and how to tap into communities of interest and it's really hard to take your own advice lol.

In the last 7 ish years I also felt like it wasn't worth interacting with others because living in these other places felt so temporary. But this now feels more permanent. I just want all my current friends to move to where I'm moving so we can be merry and have dinner parties, potlucks, and go to community events. But I also wish we were friends with another married gay couple wanting to build a family because this also feels very unique to us and isolating in some ways just navigating this process.

Clearly my mind is going all over the place. I'm excited for our new home but worried about isolation yet still appreciating the idea of stability.

[rexomnia]

July 23, 2025

Life has been pretty good in the last couple of years. I'm back in another "I should journal more" state of mind. Being a military spouse is very isolating especially in the area where we're stationed. The thing that prompted the need to journal is something that happened on base while grocery shopping. I still feel like I can't be direct about it because of that fear of it coming back to me. But some homophobic comments were made and a demand that my husband and I leave the grocery store was made by another shopper. We felt so angry and uncomfortable and decided to leave. Husband left out of spite but I left out of fear. It's hard to walk around here and feel safe. I had some dog park friends but now I'm just uncomfortable everywhere because I'm just wondering who can I even trust? Kind people are kind until they're not, you know? Until the find out something about you that goes against their value system. This man approached use twice. The first time was like okay fine whatever. The second time was intimidation. And the gestures he made and comments about not belonging or welcomed here gave us the hint that he was pointing out that he did not want us there getting produce because we're gay and married. My husband is taking the steps he needs to in reporting the incident. And I'm basically sharing what happened with everyone I know who will listen because that's how I cope lol. And it's helped me feel community again. And that's also why I'm back on Tumblr for now. I've been missing community and I don't think I've really had one since living in Arizona. Virginia felt temporary even though we were there 5 years. Now we're back in California but a very rural conservative part of California. We're also a boring married couple doing some family planning and that feels isolating too.

But also reflecting on the positive things in my life. Stability of our marriage. Progression in both of our careers. Feeling close to actually settling somewhere finally. Having easier access to close friends we weren't able to regularly see while living across the country. Gotta remind myself to reflect on both negatives and positives. And a positive is that my depression stuff hasn't really been an issue in a few years. Oh and seeing my own therapist lol I finally did that. Right now it's in pause due to some stupid insurance issue I'm working on resolving but fully intend to continue it.

Well that's it for now I think. I'm back for now ish maybe lol if I remember.

[rexomnia]

Journaling

It’s been a few years. I’m in my final year of my social work program. And as I gain more “clinical” experience, I’ve decided to practice more of what I’m preaching to my clients and that includes journaling. The emotional space I am now is vastly different from where I was 2 years ago when I last posted. We have two huskies; Azu is almost 3 years old. We’re estimating Nivali to be about 2.5. I’m a lot more comfortable talking about my change in career-focus and it’s less triggering now to engage with medical students and physicians. I’m less defensive when the “what do you do” conversations come up. My mother is...still the same but she now knows that I am married to my husband. And we are welcome at her house and it isn’t as big of an issue anymore. She just appreciates that I visit.

Reflection is interesting. Looking back to two years ago, I can say that I was clearly depressed. But at the time, I did not have the insight to identify it as depression. I knew the criteria, but I denied it so terribly hard. In my field experience through my social work program, we talk a lot about identifying warning signs and triggers for emotional distress with clients. I never took the time to actively think about what my warning signs were until after my life circumstances changed and it went away. But if I knew back then what I know now, I probably could have cut that depression time down sooner or at least ease the intensity of the experience. That being said, I’m so grateful to have a supportive husband, sister, and friends to help me through that time. I am thankful that I had FFXIV because that was an escape that I needed for the time being. I am thankful for my dogs who motivated me out of bed and brought routine back into my life.

I have a newfound confidence in my life and the worry for the far future no longer weighs down on me. I’m left what what I consider to be eustress that keeps me motivated and performing. I still don’t have an income because I’m doing grad school full-time, but my husband and I made that decision together. Guilt comes in waves but in the end, I know that he knows the demands of grad school and just wants me to succeed. And so far, I am and I am loving it. Our future is moving forward and it feels amazing not to live in stagnancy. We’re in the process of closing on a house and we are very excited to have a place we can call ours.

[rexomnia]

I'm so happy to bring you home with us and I hope you will be happy too 😭😭😭

[weirdbuzzfeed]

[rexomnia]

This had been in my drafts for well over 4 years. I keep it just so I could watch at it every once in a while. And now it is finally being reblogged haha

[rexomnia]

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death. My cousin told me about an hour ago. I feel a little guilty that I completely forgot. I mean, I didn't forget... She was on my mind today but I never memorized the exact date. I'm not religious or even spiritual. I do not believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or nirvana. But I think I'm still going to set up a mini alter or shrine and provide a food offering. Light a candle since I don't have incense. Just out of respect and love I have for my grandmother.

[rexomnia]

Thank you, Jon, for sharing your journey on Tumblr. I am incredibly touched by your vulnerability and I aspire to be like you. It crushes my heart to know that you went through similar struggles (withdrawing from medical school, being the only son and gay son in the family). I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and I send you warm, positive vibes. It gets better. Much love ❤️ 🏳️‍🌈

Thank you for your thoughts :]

[rexomnia]

Kinda ignored Tumblr for a while. Doing pretty well. Last month has been hectic. We moved and now just trying to settle into a new state. Went on a vacay with the fiancé and took a lot of nice photos. Currently in process of deciding what I want to do in regards to future education and career. Will look into shadowing PsyDs working as therapists and ask why they chose to pursue a PsyD versus a Master's.

[rexomnia]

Hey Rex, sorry med school didn't work out. Don't let that get you down - and don't let others be the standard for which you compare yourself to. In other words, don't feel like you have to be in a rush to get where you *think* you should be. I'm still trying to find out what I want to do with my degree, myself. I came out to my Mom 2 years ago and she still hasn't come around. I later came out to my Aunt this year and she took it much better than my Mom. I dread what others will say, still.

Thanks. What's funny is that I have been out to some of my closer relatives for a few years now. And some distant ones I guess. And they are all fine and accepting. Lol. I'm amused because my mother is worried about what extended family and would think. And I'm thinking "Um they were/are more okay with it than you are" haha

The med school thing is what bums me out the most. I've worked toward it for so long only to have to switch gears into a completely different direction. I could have saved several years worth of time and money. What hurts most is admitting that I'm not qualified and couldn't make it through with the rest of my original cohort. Match day was a really hard day for me. Happy for friends but sad for myself lol.

[rexomnia]

So. I withdrew from medical school. Things didn't work out as planned. Gave myself time to cope with it while I figure out a new career path. My backup plans from before are no longer appealing. Like...I don't like the idea of working in a research lab. I was working toward becoming a psychiatrist, so I'm still interested in the mental health sort of field. Won't be able to practice medicine but would like to provide therapy. Thinking MFT but leaning more toward PsyD to be a clinical psychologist. Clinical psychology because I'd still like to work with more than just...families and anxiety and depression and adictions. But also means more schooling and more money that I don't have. And I'm gonna be 28 in a few months. I feel pressure from myself to get a job and have my life and career sorted out.

Told the news about school to my family. Sister is supportive. Father is indifferent. Mother is...still sorting out what she thinks. She was supportive about the med school thing. But that ultimately lead to me coming out to her. She wanted me to move back to Oregon and live in her house. But I had to explain why that wasn't something I was going to do. Moving to Virginia in May ish. Since that's where D matched into residency.

She didn't really take it well but she took it better than I ever expected. She went back and forth between the "med school problem" and the "gay problem." Asked her how she felt and she responded a lot with "I don't know. No one in our family like this. It embarrassing. I can't believe I have one kid that crazy and now one kid that gay. Why always problem like this fall on me?"

Lol I got salty and posted something on Facebook for the first time in like 4 years since getting into medical school. And everyone who commented basically said "she'll come around! You're a good guy!" And in my head I'm just like okay thanks I appreciate the kind words but you also have no context of my family life to be certain of that lol. And then I got private messages from a few white gay and lesbian friends who shared their own personal experiences with coming out to their parents. And these weren't close friends of mine, so I said thanks for sharing but in reality I'm still thinking "your life is so different lol and this doesn't help me in the slightest."

Messages from the gay Asians were a little bit more helpful. Understanding of what it means to be the only son and the weird preoccupation with carrying on the bloodline. The Asian guilt of causing problems for the family. Potential of not just being ostracized by family, but the idea of immediate family being ostracized from the extended family network.

What helped most was talking to my sister, cousin, and close friends. And if course D (I don't mention him usually because I figure that's given). Sometimes you just need to vent and have someone agree with you without protest. Like, you aren't looking for advice. You just want to complain and have people complain with you lol. You can start being productive afterwards.

In other news, I've been working out with D for almost 2 months. I'm filling in my shirts better and I'm pretty proud of myself so far haha.

[rexomnia]

He said take pictures if the birds and so I did. And I turned out to really like this shot.

[rexomnia]

It's amazing how much medicine I've learned and still feel like I know nothing lol

[rexomnia]

Was in the OR this morning and listening to white people go off about Crazy Rich Asians

Doc: I mean it was okay. It wasn't as amazing as everyone said it was.

Scrub Tech: Yeah I think people over hyped it. I thought it was good but didn't seem anything special. It was in Singapore, right?

Me, only one of Asian descent in room: *smiles, nods* And some parts shot in Malaysia. *internally screams*

[rexomnia]

On surgery rotation and I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like a dumb dumb 😫

[rexomnia]

do you ever worry that youre getting old

I've been worrying every day of my life after turning 20

[rexomnia]

Thank you so much for the color tip! I kept seeing others say to use 'class' but yours was the one that works! SO THANK YOU THANK YOU! I hope you have a lovely day!

:D

[rexomnia]

Someone with my name is using my email address for their SEPTA account and I tried calling SEPTA before about it but all they did was hotlist/suspend the account but my doppelganger called in apparently to unsuspend it and now I’m getting emails again :|