By Rhea

[rheasthoughts]

TW- S*lf H*rm, S*i*idal ideation

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I drain everything you do not like out of me like doctor in medieval times

I let the impure blood pour out from my wrists, my stomach, and my thighs.

As I present my fresh open wounds to you,

Am I pathetic enough to you now?

Can you see my vulnerability?

Can you see neediness?

As expected no response

I sew myself back together, and clean myself off the floor.

I restore myself to be presented to you again.

Am I strong enough for you now?

Can you see my resilience?

Can you see my ability to be independent?

Can you see my shield?

As expected no response

I break myself down into something soft, pliable, formless, like a gelatin.

Surely this is what you would want.

I present myself to you yet again.

Am I delicate enough for you?

Am I flexible enough for you?

Once again no response.

I build myself back up and try another method, and hope that this time you’ll accept me.

I turn myself into a perfect diamond.

Putting myself under intense pressure to get off all the unwanted coal pieces.

I present myself to you foolishly another time.

Am I hard enough?

Am I sharp enough?

Am I valuable enough?

After yet another Can you even hear me?

I look at myself in a mirror and see nothing.

I try to speak and finally notice my vocal chords never once move.

No one can observe me, so I cannot exist.

I was performing for an auditorium with no audience.

Or was I?

I was performing for the entity that your hatred created in me.

All the while I was telling myself that I hated me, and to stop hating me I needed you to love me.

I see now it was a fool’s errand

You hate me, because you're incapable of loving me.

I was performing all these dangerous tricks in hope that maybe I could catch your eye and feel the warmth of another even just for a moment, a second.

Though you never gave me the time of day that you hate you spewed towards me forcefully created a home in me.

It became the nagging and pestering voice in my head, silencing my own voice.

The voice telling me all of the insecurities I should have, telling how it wished harm and even death upon me.

Trapping me in a morbid game of I spy where the goal is always to identify all the accessible ways to end a life.

The voice convinced me I was so worthless and shouldn’t exist until I didn’t.

My physical form faded away completely leaving the soul distorted by corruption fully exposed.

Why must needing to be wanted be such a deadly endeavor?

[temarihime]

[rheasthoughts]

Like this is the scene where ik for sure they were endgame.

[rheasthoughts]

“Why won’t you love me?”

I tried to be a mystery.

I tried to be prey.

I tried to be a temptress.

I tried to be a friend.

I tried to be a siren.

I created myself in the image of your desires, after its likeness.

I purged myself of everything you disliked.

I filled all the empty places with your wants.

I severed all the excess, and put it on an altar as an offering to you because love doth demands sacrifice.

A complete transformation like the purification of gold

I rejected all others and made you my one and only

My very essence is to please you.

Now I lay myself at your feet, presenting myself to you as a gift made for royalty in hopes that you will finally claim me.

Still you felt no desire for me

Still it was not enough for you

My mind tearing itself apart from the shame of yet another unrequited love

I let my imagination run wild creating unfounded narratives just to keep a sane level of delusion

I weaved a web of infatuation borderlining on obsession.

Subsequently I like a unlucky bug, fly right into the web

Stuck in another web of unrequited love.

Waiting to yet again be thwarted.

A rejection I knew was coming the minute my heart latched on to you.

I am angered by my folly, but exhilarated by even the minuscule chance of love.

So I wait patiently for your certain rejection to consume me like a spider devouring its prey.

[rheasthoughts]

TW: S*lf h*rm, Sui*id*l ideation

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“Yikes!”

Relationships that were pinky promised to last forever end with me needing a straight jacket.

Left with time that I only know how to waste.

Anxiety has become the conductor for my train of thought.

Dreams of being loved, of being successful, of hope for the future become the thoughts hidden, like old discarded ketchup packets in a junk drawer that keep piling up because “Oh I’ll use it later”.

Later usually comes after the packet is spoiled, and is just as useless as I have become

Similarly on the inside, I am rotten, the horrid odor and appearance barely masked by the artificial outside I learned to live in.

The intrusive thoughts that run through my mind like little children on a playground with no supervision.

The idealization of my demise that becomes so normalized in my thoughts that it’s invaded even my daydreams.

Hands attracted to knives as if they were two magnets of opposite poles, wrists and forearms longing to be kissed by its blade.

Sliding across my wrist like a child going down a slide in the scorching hot Texas summers, Awkward at first, but thrilling nonetheless, each slide getting smoother as you become used to the burn

Sadly the thrill of the slides fades much like the blade of a knife dulls.

Now it’s time to find a new low

Mouth starts watering at the sight of pills, hungry for a taste.

Feeling froggy when passing by bridges.

Throat becomes dry seeing bottles of bleach.

If I hold my head underwater long enough will I die or go through a rapid evolution developing gills like a mermaid.

[rheasthoughts]

“To all the friends I ever lost”

You all cross my mind from time to time.

Whenever I miss our time together you visit me in my dreams.

I made mistakes, I was just a kid who didn’t really know what she was doing.

We both hurt each other, and let words unspoken build a bridge between us.

At first we still would still cross most of the time, which turned into half the time,some of the time, then only a few times, to hardly ever.

Then finally the distance became too far, and the bridge crumbled from lack of care.

I forgive you all for all you did to me because you all were also just kids.

You all had your own baggage, and were struggling to carry

I never shared my hurt feelings, just threw them in my suitcase growing heavier nearly by the day, and I guess you all did the same too.

Communication wasn’t necessarily a strong set for any of us.

Most of us did not have parents we trusted enough to turn to, and our friendships were really a reflection of that

When it was great it was great, but when it sucked it fucking sucked.

Honestly I only think of you all when I have regrets.

All those unspoken words fester like a wound.

All those “shoulda, woulda, couldas” running incessantly through my mind.

I know at this point the past is the past and there really is no use of crying over spilled milk

So I’ll just mop it up with my pen, and let it be.

Until you cross my mind again like a bunch of school children cross the street.

Demanding a full stop and undivided attention.

I wish you all well and hope that both sides learned some lessons.

Maybe one day we’ll see each other and we can laugh at how stupid we were and the air won’t feel as awkward.

Maybe we’ll finally reconnect not in a permanent way, but more of a true conclusion for the chapter that is us,

Or rather was us.

Even if that never happens, I wish you all well and hope that both sides learned some lessons.

For now however I will see you in my dreams from time to time.

And maybe you’ll see me in yours.

Ode to the friendships that ended as unfinished stories.

Some relationships must settle for not receiving a proper ending

Ode to all the friends I lost.

This is a formal goodbye since I never had the courage to tell you in person.

[rheasthoughts]

“My Firework”

From the first interaction I immediately knew i would like you for a long time

Maybe it was the long dark brown hair cut like Nightwing, or when you cut it and dyed a vibrant blood red.

the smooth and sultry voice that makes my knees weak.

The sweet interactions we have.

Your kindness for others.

Your passion for your interests.

Your sharp witty humor.

There’s so much more I could write, but i dont think there’s enough time or space to list all the reasons I have become so infatuated with you.

When I think of you I think of the fireworks shows I used to watch from my bedroom window every Fourth of July as a child.

The fireworks always shined bright in the clear night sky

The fireworks start off small, progressively they get bigger, brighter, louder, longer, and more colorful with each launch.

Until the finale when they launched the biggest, brightest, loudest, longest and most colorful firework into the black night sky.

I looked in complete awe at the beauty of it all.

Those few moments of beauty feel like a lifetime within them as they fill my senses.

Then the last firework begrudgingly completely dissipated.

Show is over and I longed for next year to come.

I remember I wanted to go to the show to see it up close and personal.

I asked my parents with disillusioned conviction if we could go next year to which they of course said, no.

They told me that fireworks are too dangerous to get anywhere near.

The lights were painfully bright in person.

The sound was unbearably loud in person it could burst your eardrums,

Just one spark could cause a monstrous and destructive fire indiscriminately taking down everything in its path,

If you get too close to the firework it could tear a limb off.

My brain’s innate job for survival above all else allowed a fear to be placed in my heart, so I became content with the view from my safe and cozy bedroom every year.

Never daring to get closer.

So I watch and admire you from afar like I watched firework shows out my bedroom window as a child.

I think to myself how pretty, and when it ends I’ll miss it, but I always see it again one day.

Similarly to the fireworks, our interactions are always few and a far between.

Never able to get close because I see that same disastrous heartbreak coming from a mile away.

I keep a safe distance to protect myself (and you).

I’ve been through this enough to know that these burn out as quickly as the fireworks I saw in the clear night sky.

[rheasthoughts]

“Green”

I used to hate the color green

I thought of it as ugly

It reminded me of vomit

Disgusting mixtures,and the dirtiness of nature

Then I met you and I thought green was beautiful

Then I saw the green in everything

I used to not take a second glance at trees

Now I can stare at trees for hours mesmerized by the green of their leaves

I appreciate the beautiful varying shades of green in the blades of grass

I could see green what it truly meant, life and wellbeing

If I could describe us it would be the color green

I was always so blue, and you were so yellow

Together we became green.

You made me feel every shade of yellow, every shade of blue, and every shade of green.

You brought me happiness, and also fear.

You gave me calmness, but so much melancholy.

You made me feel stable, but so much envy that it reaffirmed insecurity.

You provided me with laughs and hand holds, but also with tears, and cold shoulders.

I hate to say it, but when I think of the world before I met you it seemed colorless.

I never realized how much green, yellow, blue, and all other colors surrounded me.

I look at the world and see so much more color

I can’t believe a damn 14 year old white boy with hazel eyes changed my entire perspective of life.

It’s been 4 years I say I’m over you, but I still write about you.

I’ll admit you don’t linger in my thoughts and it’s not really you that I write about:

It’s the emotions that I write about.

I never have felt so much towards another living thing as I did you in the way that I did

You made me question so much about myself and I guess that’s why I still think about you.

I created a you in my mind that wasn’t really you, but the you that I needed

I guess that’s why I still think of you.

I thought of you as a puzzle when really that’s what I was.

I tried to use you to fill in the missing pieces thinking I was figuring you out when in reality I was trying to solve myself.

Still I ask myself how?

How can I miss something that didn’t ever truly exist?

How can I love someone who never was real?

How can I mourn a fantasy?

How are you doing?