#tw depressive

[deadlett3r]

Às vezes gostaria de voltar naquela última noite, antes de tudo acontecer. E fico dividida entre dois pensamentos… o de nunca ter me envolvido com ela ou ter prolongado aquele último abraço por tempo suficiente para impedir que ela fosse embora.

[subjectnumber-zero]

IM BEING FUCKING NEEDY AND SENSITIVE AGAIN

[subjectnumber-zero]

What is normal?

I can’t remember anymore

how it feels to be happy

in withering moments the is a spark of joy but it all turns to dark

northing can escape that darkness of my mind

I break everything I touch

I kill it all away

so I would like to know

what does normal feel like?

what it feels like to be happy for more than a moment

[subjectnumber-zero]

feeling happy only makes all my problems worse solution stop doing things that make me happy the plan is now in action let’s see how long I stick to this not very long probably because that would entail pushing away all my friends and I can’t do that to thems

[tidalblazex]

tw depression (again)

I suppose this is becoming routine for me. How nice.

Whatever. Depressionposting once more, because I don't feel like there's any other way to sufficiently vent my feelings. And I've probably already said this before. I don't know. I'm not keeping track.

It's all just going through the motions, day by day. Nothing that gives me joy lasts more than a few days. I'll have a week, if I'm lucky. Then it's back to nothing. And it's not due to a lack of trying, mind you; I'll force myself to keep trying to enjoy something and have fun doing it because "I liked this before, I liked this just yesterday, I liked this last week, why isn't it working?" So I force myself to do something that, so recently, I wanted to do, but it's gone now.

I go through phases of trying to make music, make art, make a game, make a story, something. Anything. But inevitably, I lose interest, and that "passion project" becomes another unfinished file in a folder on my computer. And if it's ever opened again, it's merely to think about how it could've been. What it could've been like if I had the will to just finish it. I struggle to improve in any creative field because I lose interest so quickly and for so long that it's nigh impossible to improve in any lasting way.

And maybe that's why I struggle to start any more projects. I know how it's going to turn out. It's always the same. It doesn't matter how passionate I feel now. I won't feel it for nearly long enough for it to matter.

Hell, I'll even go through these phases with games. I'll have one or a couple games I play for awhile and then, eventually, I don't care anymore. I can't bring myself to enjoy it anymore. Doing something I like has become forcing myself to do something I used to like. Going through the motions of doing something, but without any of the joy or mental reward.

I just want to enjoy my hobbies. Why can't I just enjoy being creative? Why does it have to go away so fucking fast? Why can't the feeling stay for anything?

[subjectnumber-zero]

I can feel the shadows creeping in, this is so very fucking bad, he’s gonna show up, I can’t deal with this, it’s so dark and I can feel them

[subjectnumber-zero]

I want to bleed I want to bleed I want to bleed I want to bleed I want to bleed blood blood blood blood I want blood I qant blood let me bleed I need to bleed I need blood give me blood now’s I need it now I need it blood blodd blood

[subjectnumber-zero]

I love this thing

I hate this thing

I hate that I love it

I hate that I hate it

it is amazing but it ruined my life

it’s horrible but it’s so good

Every time I watch it it hurts but I still love it but I hate it oh so much